Wisconsin Rapids Bro League
Our ninth official season of blaming Cole Walters for Jaime Jaquez being the headliner for the NBA's primetime Christmas game.
Bro...
Damar Hamlin's two tackles... Are they enough for him to fend off the almighty and powerful Joe Flacco for Comeback Player of the Year the way he fended off death himself? I'm seriously beginning to wonder as Vegas oddsmakers are trying to push the narrative that this is a real possibility now. Of course, our WRBL Comeback OWNER of the Year was crowned this week as Nick Zurawski has been anointed as the ninth official Wisconsin Rapids Bro League Champion with his second title in three years, this time beating No-Show Cole Walters in the worst final I have ever seen with my two eyes... 128.04-71.88, I put that second number in the smallest possible font to hopefully save Cole some embarrassment. We've all had our teams come up short in pathetic fashion before (see: Nathaniel and I last week) but seriously... What the hell happened to the 96ers this week? Did he somehow trade away QB Josh Allen and WR Stefon Diggs for Week 15 Bijan Robinson and Younghoe Koo? No. In fact, everybody on the 96ers besides First Team All-Bro QB Josh Allen drew up a nightmare playbook that saw them all finish with single-digit point totals this week. Not trying to overshadow what was an impressive two-week run by 9-7 Nick Zurawski and all (hiphiphooray and all that jazz) but did you sense the shifting in the atmosphere just now? That's the momentum being gained by an all-out, Final 4 weeks of the season count, cumulative postseason where we let the cards fall where they may. Fantasy football is weird in its sheer randomness but, it's also a lot like regular NFL football in which the #1 key to victory remains atrophy. First Team All-Bro WR Tyreek Hill misses one game? See ya, Nate. His Dolphin teammate WR Jaylen Waddle gets hurt after two catches? Another no-go, no-show for Cole, yo. Remember: Outside of Quarterbacks dropping like flies, this hasn't been a big season for injuries! Running Backs like Rachaad White and Bijan Robinson were never super exciting but found a way to eclipse 200 points simply by staying on the field for me. The same goes for WRBL Champion and Second Team All-Bro RB Joe Mixon. That guy's gas tank was low before the season and looks only moderately higher in 2023 but he played every game and Nick is eternally grateful he faced no jail time for his past crime. Nick Zurawski: Supporter of Joe Mixon and WRBL Champion.
First Team All-Bro
QB - Josh Allen (Cole Walters)
RB - Christian McCaffrey (Alec Swanson)
RB - Travis Etienne (Cole Walters)
WR - Tyreek Hill (Nathaniel Hoefs)WR - CeeDee Lamb (Jaime Sparkes)
TE - T.J. Hockenson (Alec Swanson)
FLEX - WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (Andy Todd)
K - Justin Tucker (Jaime Sparkes)
D/ST - Dallas Cowboys (Nick Zurawski)
Second Team All-Bro
QB - Jalen Hurts (Nick Zurawski)
RB - Joe Mixon (Nick Zurawski)
RB - Rachaad White (Andy Todd)
WR - A.J. Brown (Nathaniel Hoefs)
WR - Keenan Allen (Nick Zurawski)
TE - Travis Kelce (Nick Zurawski)
FLEX - WR Mike Evans (Andy Todd)
K - Jake Elliott (Nathaniel Hoefs)
D/ST - Pittsburgh Steelers (Nathaniel Hoefs)
When asked to choose a league MVP for the season, Nick Zurawski said the unthinkable "Jason Kelce". This means I have to make a stipulation going forward... In order to receive WRBL MVP, the recipient must have played an NFL down in that season. So congratulations to Eagles Center Jason Kelce on being the most productive Kelce to drag, carry and/or shove Nick into reuniting with The Shelby as soon as he's able to greet our league trophy like Scott Stapp of Creed... "With Arms Wide H-Opuhhn". As far as how the rest of the league falls...
Official Final 2023 WRBL Standings
1. Nick Zurawski (9-7)
2. Cole Walters (11-5)
3. Andy Todd (8-8)
4. Nathaniel Hoefs (11-5)
5. Jaime Sparkes (8-8)
6. Alec Swanson (6-10)
7. Brett Weinfurter (6-10)
8. Gabe Stoltz (5-11)
Despite finishing with the same record as Lord Pretty Flacco Joey, Jaime's Dad Weights and Protein Shakes found themselves as winners of the consolation bracket (hiphip...eh?), carried by the breakthrough season of Dallas WR CompactDisk Lamb. Brett knocked plenty of other teams down, only for each one of them to get back up again except for the Wumbiest of Chumbas, Gabe Stoltz. Gabe now must resign to his fate as I believe the first ever back-to-back Sacko victim. The punishment? Wearing that title every year until we think of something better or kick him out of the league for his own good. Poor guy is still rooting for that James Robinson comeback (aren't we all?). With the extra week to fiddle with my lineup and barely try in the Scott Doesn't Care Bowl, I decided to make a couple tune-ups before the offseason...
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| I'm sorry, I thought this was a keeper league? |
Besides, we can't let Nick Zurawski go back-to-back with five All-Bros on his team. Good luck to every other WRBL owner on avoiding T.J. Hockenson-like injuries to their favorite fantasy players these final two weeks of the NFL season and may the Dolphins fly high enough to disrupt a few Ravens en route to the AFC's #1 seed this weekend. After all, Z has earned it.
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| I am being informed that my genuine hopefulness toward the Miami Dolphins could be mistaken as a reverse jinx. Nicholas will explain to me that our friendship is temporarily mildly harmed, yet it will recover. |
Week Sixteen Final Scores
CHAMPIONSHIP: #4 Nick Zurawski defeated #3 Cole Walters 128.04-71.88
Scott Doesn't Care Bowl: #2 Andy Todd defeated #1 Nathaniel Hoefs 176-114.22
The Un-sponsored Bowl: #5 Jaime Sparkes defeated #6 Alec Swanson 149.1-127.72
Sacko Bowl: #8 Gabe Stoltz loses to #7 Brett Weinfurter 103.8-107.98
Heroes of the Week: WR Puka Nacua (Nick, 33), WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (Andy, 28.6), WR Mike Evans (Andy, 27.6)
Waiver Wonders: WR George Pickens (35.5), WR D.J. Chark (27.8), QB Derek Carr (24.96)
Benchwarmers of the Week: WR Amari Cooper (Alec, 51.5), RB Breece Hall (Andy, 43.1), WR Tee Higgins (Andy, 25)
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@NFLonPrime on x.
Hero of the Week: WR Puka Nacua (I Had COVID-19) |
Upcoming Week 17 Schedule for the NFL (in CST)
Thursday @ 7:15 PM: NY Jets @ Cleveland
SATURDAY @ 7:15 PM: Detroit @ Dallas
Sunday @ NOON: Miami @ Baltimore
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
Las Vegas @ Indianapolis
Atlanta @ Chicago
Arizona @ Philadelphia
Tennessee @ Houston
LA Rams @ NY Giants
Carolina @ Jacksonville
San Francisco @ Washington
New England @ Buffalo
Sunday @ 3:05 PM: Pittsburgh @ Seattle
Sunday @ 3:25 PM: Cincinnati @ Kansas City
LA Chargers @ Denver
Sunday @ 7:20 PM: Green Bay @ Minnesota
The Following Week 18 Schedule for the NFL (TIMES TBD After Week 17)
Sunday: Buffalo @ Miami
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
Atlanta @ New Orleans
Minnesota @ Detroit
LA Rams @ San Francisco
Houston @ Indianapolis
Chicago @ Green Bay
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Denver @ Las Vegas
Jacksonville @ Tennessee
Philadelphia @ NY Giants
Kansas City @ LA Chargers
Seattle @ Arizona
Dallas @ Washington
NY Jets @ New England (The only game currently with no playoff implications whatsoever)
Scoring Leaders
QB
Josh Allen 348.42 (Cole)
Jalen Hurts 328.16 (Nick)
Lamar Jackson 294.88 (Brett)
Patrick Mahomes 254.62 (Sparky)
Justin Herbert 234.22 (Alec)
Trevor Lawrence 154.72 (Andy)
Justin Fields 153.94 (Hoefs/Andy)
Dak Prescott 145.84 (Hoefs)
Kirk Cousins 104.72 (Gabe)
Joe Burrow 69.5 (Gabe)
C.J. Stroud 61.44 (Alec/Hoefs)
Sam Howell 60.66 (Nick/Gabe)
Jake Browning 56.06 (Gabe)
Brock Purdy 42.24 (Andy/Cole)
Matthew Stafford 39.24 (Alec)
Kyler Murray 21.66 (Andy)
Baker Mayfield 18.32 (Sparky)
Geno Smith 16.44 (Hoefs/Andy)
Russell Wilson 15.84 (Brett)
Jordan Love 8.92 (Sparky)
RB
Christian McCaffrey 378.2 (Alec)
Travis Etienne 225 (Cole)
Joe Mixon 223.6 (Nick)
Rachaad White 212.2 (Andy)
Bijan Robinson 208.6 (Andy)
Alvin Kamara 204.7 (Hoefs)
Jahmyr Gibbs 200.2 (Sparky)
Saquon Barkley 190.7 (Gabe)
Tony Pollard 185.3 (Cole)
Josh Jacobs 181.1 (Brett)
Isiah Pacheco 175 (Gabe)
Austin Ekeler 169.5 (Gabe)
Kyren Williams 141.1 (Alec)
Breece Hall 140.3 (Andy)
Raheem Mostert 115.4 (Hoefs)
Kenneth Walker 115.1 (Cole)
David Montgomery 107.2 (Brett)
Rhamondre Stevenson 103.6 (Brett)
Aaron Jones 101.8 (Sparky)
Jonathan Taylor 99.9 (Nick)
James Cook 89.9 (Hoefs)
D'Andre Swift 81.7 (Alec)
Derrick Henry 81.38 (Hoefs)
De'Von Achane 69.6 (Nick)
Alexander Mattison 68.3 (Nick)
D'Onta Foreman 63.1 (Brett)
James Conner 47.4 (Gabe)
Javonte Williams 46.9 (Cole)
Zack Moss 45 (Sparky/Hoefs)
A.J. Dillon 41.2 (Sparky)
Jaylen Warren 36.4 (Gabe)
Ezekiel Elliott 30.6 (Nick)
Najee Harris 29.2 (Alec)
Jerome Ford 26.9 (Andy)
Zach Charbonnet 26.7 (Cole)
Miles Sanders 23.4 (Nick)
Nick Chubb 23.1 (Nick)
Devin Singletary 19.8 (Nick)
Gus Edwards 17.2 (Alec)
Chuba Hubbard 10.7 (Cole)
Ty Chandler 7.7 (Brett)
Dameon Pierce 6.7 (Hoefs)
Dalvin Cook 4.7 (Sparky)
WR
Tyreek Hill 331.6 (Hoefs)
CeeDee Lamb 327.5 (Sparky)
Amon-Ra St. Brown 281.4 (Andy)
A.J. Brown 280.4 (Hoefs)
Keenan Allen 278.86 (Nick)
Mike Evans 260.3 (Andy)
Stefon Diggs 251 (Cole)
DeVonta Smith 221.6 (Gabe)
Jaylen Waddle 198.6 (Cole)
Ja'Marr Chase 193.02 (Brett)
DeAndre Hopkins 191.8 (Sparky)
Michael Pittman Jr. 188.8 (Brett)
Deebo Samuel 182.3 (Brett)
DK Metcalf 179.2 (Alec)
Puka Nacua 164.4 (Nick)
Brandon Aiyuk 158.9 (Alec)
Justin Jefferson 155.3 (Sparky)
Chris Godwin 132.9 (Gabe)
Davante Adams 126.3 (Alec)
Cooper Kupp 126.2 (Nick)
Calvin Ridley 115.4 (Andy)
Chris Olave 113.8 (Hoefs)
D.J. Moore 92.7 (Alec)
Zay Flowers 84 (Gabe)
Tyler Lockett 82.7 (Nick)
Adam Thielen 78.4 (Hoefs)
Terry McLaurin 70.1 (Alec)
Garrett Wilson 64.8 (Brett)
Christian Kirk 37 (Cole)
Rashee Rice 35.8 (Hoefs)
Jaxon Smith-Njigba 34.4 (Sparky)
Amari Cooper 33.9 (Gabe)
K.J. Osborn 31.3 (Brett)
Courtland Sutton 27.8 (Cole)
Marquise Brown 27.2 (Andy)
Tee Higgins 23.1 (Cole/Andy)
Jordan Addison 18.4 (Andy)
Christian Watson 16.7 (Sparky)
Diontae Johnson 13.3 (Sparky)
Nico Collins 6.9 (Cole)
Kadarius Toney 2.3 (Sparky)
TE
T.J. Hockenson 219 (Alec)
Travis Kelce 214.8 (Nick)
Sam LaPorta 182.2 (Cole)
David Njoku 150.3 (Brett)
George Kittle 136.2 (Sparky)
Mark Andrews 135.4 (Andy)
Evan Engram 132.3 (Hoefs)
Dallas Goedert 91 (Gabe)
Dalton Kincaid 76.2 (Sparky)
Darren Waller 55.3 (Brett)
Dalton Schultz 49.3 (Hoefs)
Isaiah Likely 45.9 (Andy)
Jake Ferguson 42.8 (Cole/Hoefs)
Cole Kmet 25.9 (Gabe)
Pat Freiermuth 24.6 (Cole/Gabe)
Trey McBride 21.1 (Nick)
Kyle Pitts 19.7 (Andy)
Taysom Hill 15.4 (Alec)
Tyler Higbee 7.9 (Nick)
Luke Musgrave 4.5 (Cole)
Zach Ertz 4.2 (Cole)
K
Justin Tucker 143 (Sparky)
Jake Elliott 142 (Hoefs)
Tyler Bass 101 (Cole/Nick)
Younghoe Koo 100 (Andy)
Harrison Butker 84 (Alec)
Daniel Carlson 83 (Gabe)
Jason Myers 79 (Nick)
Evan McPherson 74 (Nick/Alec)
Riley Patterson 67 (Brett)
Brandon Aubrey 57 (Hoefs/Gabe)
Jake Moody 21 (Andy/Cole)
Matt Gay 16 (Brett)
Greg Zuerlein 11 (Brett)
Cairo Santos 10 (Alec)
Brandon McManus 9 (Alec)
Anders Carlson 8 (Cole)
Cameron Dicker 6 (Sparky)
Nick Folk 5 (Brett)
Wil Lutz 5 (Cole)
Matt Ammendola 2 (Andy)
DF
Dallas Cowboys 138 (Nick)
Pittsburgh Steelers 121 (Hoefs)
Miami Dolphins 110 (Alec)
Buffalo Bills 106 (Brett/Nick)
San Francisco 49ers 102 (Sparky)
New York Jets 86 (Gabe)
Cleveland Browns 48 (Cole/Andy)
Philadelphia Eagles 47 (Andy)
Atlanta Falcons 46 (Nick/Brett)
Denver Broncos 44 (Cole)
Las Vegas Raiders 40 (Gabe)
Baltimore Ravens 25 (Hoefs/Cole)
New Orleans Saints 25 (Andy/Cole)
Los Angeles Chargers 24 (Alec)
Minnesota Vikings 20 (Cole)
New England Patriots 20 (Cole/Sparky)
Jacksonville Jaguars 19 (Cole)
Seattle Seahawks 16 (Andy)
Washington Commanders 15 (Nick/Gabe)
Houston Texans 8 (Alec)
Chicago Bears 6 (Alec)
Detroit Lions 6 (Cole)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6 (Cole)
Green Bay Packers 5 (Alec/Cole)
Los Angeles Rams 5 (Nick)
Kansas City Chiefs 4 (Andy)
Hypothetical Standings (Top 4 scorers win, bottom 4 lose, no divisions)
Live.Laugh.Olave. 11-5
I Had COVID-19 11-5
Tax Paying Homeowner 11-5
Colieveland 96ers 11-5
Lord Pretty Flacco Joey 6-10
Dad Weights And Protein Shakes 6-10
Jordan Addison's Dog 5-11
Stoltzya's Electric Orcas 3-13
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