Wisconsin Rapids Bro League
Our eighth official season of blaming Cole Walters for ice patches on the morning roads.
Bro...
I sure hope Cole's health insurance can cover whatever way he injured himself this time around because for the first time since "The Shelby" (our Wisconsin Rapids Bro League championship trophy) nearly impaled him on the Aschebrook driveway ice patch way back in 2016, Cole is crowned champion supreme. As the only active two-time official Bro League champion, it's time to ponder the opening of the Bro League Hall of Fame as the first class would likely include Mr. Walters and his icy cold stare in bronze bust form. Alec Swanson put up a good fight but alas, the true Tax Paying Homeowner still has a ways to go for his first Bro League title and I fully embrace the 2023 Swanson championship drive so long as it doesn't involve me losing to anybody besides the last of the OGs to take home a trophy. Despite first team All-Bro Wide Receiver Justin Jefferson showing up to the tune of a heroic 31.3 points and Travis Kelce doing Travis Kelce things (17.3 points, outscoring every other TE by at least 100 points this season), apparently it takes more than two WRBL MVP candidates to take home the title. Alec rode and died by the hands and legs of Raiders RB Josh Jacobs, who was the NFL's leading rusher until it mattered the most. 6.0 points simply cannot get the job done when it comes from your RB1 that averaged 19.3 points per game in the 2022 season. Patriots Kicker Nick Folk missing two extra points and a field goal ended up giving the shaky veteran a donut in the box score as well. All in all, Alec's players made mistakes where Cole's studs outperformed their averages putting a neat bow on a Christmas present for the Walters house (hi Max) from commissioner Saint Nick. With the widely spaced Week 16 Christmas schedule, things actually went well enough for the 96ers that Cole was able to pull a bit of karmic justice into his rematch with Alec from week 14, a match where Alec won despite TWO empty slots in his lineup for no reason whatsoever. As a response to this debatable disrespectful move, Cole dropped his starting defense and benched WR Jaylen Waddle as his FLEX and rewarded the likely retiring WR Randall Cobb, whose fantasy relevance has disappeared but his reputation as a Green Bay Packer legend and favorite of Cole's should stand pat for eternity despite the 1.5-point minimal inclusion to this week's win. Congratulations to Cole Walters on the win, aided by RB5 Saquon Barkley's 27.3, Hero of the Week TE T.J. Hockenson's legendary 35.9 and 2022 WRBL MVP (as named by the league champion himself) QB Josh Allen dropping a ruthless 22.98 on the pitiful Bears defense.
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David Eulitt/Getty Images
Kansas City RB Jerick McKinnon's 9 receiving touchdowns (and 12.8 Week 16 points) solidified him as this season's surprise late-season waiver wire steal for the Colieveland 96ers. |
The remaining seeding-settlers were filled with excitement and in the case of our Sacko Bowl, excrement! as Gabe Stoltz's Electrifying yada yada clown-show Orca team is taking a lot of shit for finishing in last but hey, the man dropped the second-highest point total of the week behind Hoefs so, who's the real loser here? Probably Brett. Yes, the fourth place team (Kyler's Study Buddies) took a lead so late on Monday Night Football that QB Justin Herbert provided the only excitement in LA's dull 20-3 victory over the Colts by giving the lead right back to The Rule of Law by kneeling out the clock on the final three plays for -3 rushing yards, taking Brett from being ahead 101.6-101.46 to losing 101.3-101.46. If it weren't JUST the Scott Doesn't Care Bowl, we'd be talking about this one for ages and I'd have shirts made of Justin Herbert taking a knee. For fifth place in the Bowl with no name, excitement and dramatics were also had as Jaime Sparks took fifth in his debut season thanks to the Colts' final offensive play, a pass to WR Michael Pittman Jr. that was just long enough to outscore Nick by 0.3 and just short enough for the turnover on downs to give Herbert the ball back for his knees to run out the clock with zero Colt timeouts on the scoreboard.
Time to take one last look at who the GOATs of the 2022 season were as this is the unveiling of our first and second All-Bro Teams...
First Team All-Bro
QB - Patrick Mahomes (Jaime Sparkes)
RB - Austin Ekeler (Jaime Sparkes)
RB - Christian McCaffrey (Andy Todd)WR - Justin Jefferson (Alec Swanson)WR - Tyreek Hill (Gabe Stoltz)
TE - Travis Kelce (Alec Swanson)
FLEX - RB Josh Jacobs (Alec Swanson)
K - Daniel Carlson (Nick Zurawski/Nathaniel Hoefs)
D/ST - San Francisco 49ers (Gabe Stoltz)
Second Team All-Bro
QB - Josh Allen (Cole Walters)
RB - Derrick Henry (Andy Todd)
RB - Saquon Barkley (Cole Walters)
WR - Stefon Diggs (Cole Walters)
WR - Davante Adams (Brett Weinfurter)
TE - T.J. Hockenson (Cole Walters)
FLEX - WR A.J. Brown (Nick Zurawski)
K - Justin Tucker (Jaime Sparkes)
D/ST - Buffalo Bills (Jaime Sparkes)
So there you have it, another year in the books. I certainly hope to see everybody return next season as we establish some consistency once again in the Wisconsin Rapids Bro League after an offseason of... not necessarily turmoil but certainly change that came as a surprise as we have been doing this for around a decade, eight years officially. In case we aren't back next season for whatever reason, it's been an interesting ride and I've had a ball with you guys. I can't wait to watch this league's homestate heroes somehow run the table after a 4-8 start concludes the NFL regular season with a win over the lowly Lions!
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| - Packers fans, 1/8/23 |
Week Sixteen Final Scores
CHAMPIONSHIP: #2 Cole Walters defeated #1 Alec Swanson 120.38-115.1
Scott Doesn't Care Bowl: #3 Andy defeats #4 Brett 101.46-101.3
The Un-sponsored Bowl Presented By No One: #5 Sparky defeats #6 Nick 117.76-117.46
Sacko Bowl: #8 Gabe Stoltz LOSES to #7 Nathaniel Hoefs 122.3-151.66
Heroes of the Week: TE T.J. Hockenson (35.9, Cole), WR CeeDee Lamb (34, Hoefs), WR Justin Jefferson (31.3, Alec)
Waiver Wonders: RB Cam Akers (34.7), TE Tyler Higbee (30.4), TE Shane Zylstra (25.6)
Benchwarmers of the Week: QB Dak Prescott (27.98, Hoefs), WR Tee Higgins (26.8, Sparky), QB Jared Goff (25.7, Nick)
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John Autey/Pioneer Press
Hero of the Week: TE T.J. Hockenson (Colieveland 96ers) |
Upcoming NFL Wildcard Weekend Schedule (in CST)
First Round Byes: Kansas City Chiefs & Philadelphia Eagles
Saturday @ 3:30 PM: Seahawks @ 49ers
Saturday @ 7:15 PM: Chargers @ Jaguars
Sunday @ NOON: Dolphins @ Bills
Sunday @ 3:30 PM: Giants @ Vikings
Sunday @ 7:15 PM: Ravens @ Bengals
Monday @ 7:15 PM: Cowboys @ Buccaneers
Scoring Leaders
QB
Patrick Mahomes 376.8 (Sparky)
Josh Allen 353.18 (Cole)
Jalen Hurts 344.86 (Brett)
Joe Burrow 339.1 (Alec)
Lamar Jackson 234.74 (Nick)
Trevor Lawrence 223.88 (Andy)
Kyler Murray 166.5 (Hoefs)
Geno Smith 162.56 (Gabe)
Russell Wilson 99.06 (Gabe/Andy)
Justin Fields 92.08 (Nick)
Tom Brady 55.54 (Andy/Hoefs/Alec)
Kirk Cousins 49.16 (Hoefs)
Justin Herbert 46.88 (Brett)
Daniel Jones 42.92 (Hoefs)
Dak Prescott 32.52 (Hoefs)
Tua Tagovailoa 28.54 (Cole)
Jared Goff 26.1 (Nick)
Derek Carr 20.28 (Gabe)
Aaron Rodgers 15.22 (Sparky)
Jimmy Garoppolo 8.44 (Andy)
Deshaun Watson 5.34 (Hoefs)
RB
Austin Ekeler 331.6 (Sparky)
Christian McCaffrey 299.96 (Andy)
Josh Jacobs 293.5 (Alec)
Derrick Henry 288.96 (Andy)
Saquon Barkley 269.9 (Cole)
Dalvin Cook 228.7 (Nick)
Aaron Jones 201.5 (Brett)
Nick Chubb 198 (Gabe)
Joe Mixon 197.5 (Gabe)
Alvin Kamara 167.3 (Sparky)
Tony Pollard 167 (Hoefs)
Leonard Fournette 154.7 (Nick)
Jonathan Taylor 146.4 (Gabe)
David Montgomery 145.9 (Alec)
Rhamondre Stevenson 140.4 (Cole)
D'Andre Swift 123.2 (Hoefs)
Najee Harris 120.26 (Nick)
Miles Sanders 116.6 (Cole/Brett)
Kenneth Walker 108.4 (Andy)
James Conner 108 (Nick/Brett)
Breece Hall 86.9 (Brett/Cole)
Ezekiel Elliott 76.2 (Andy/Nick)
Travis Etienne 74.9 (Nick)
Jeff Wilson Jr. 68.6 (Hoefs)
Antonio Gibson 58.2 (Gabe)
Raheem Mostert 48.4 (Hoefs/Cole)
Javonte Williams 42 (Cole)
Devin Singletary 41.5 (Gabe)
Dameon Pierce 36 (Andy)
Melvin Gordon 31.4 (Cole)
James Robinson 29.4 (Hoefs)
Kareem Hunt 26.3 (Brett)
D'Onta Foreman 25.5 (Andy)
Eno Benjamin 23.3 (Hoefs)
Clyde Edwards-Helaire 22.3 (Sparky)
J.K. Dobbins 21.2 (Alec)
Latavius Murray 19 (Sparky)
Isiah Pacheco 18.7 (Andy)
Michael Carter 15.6 (Cole)
Jerick McKinnon 12.8 (Cole)
Khalil Herbert 11.1 (Alec)
Deon Jackson 5.6 (Gabe)
Jamaal Williams 5.6 (Nick)
Elijah Mitchell 4.1 (Hoefs)
Rashaad Penny 1.5 (Hoefs)
Kenyan Drake 0.8 (Sparky)
WR
Justin Jefferson 358.26 (Alec)
Tyreek Hill 327.2 (Gabe)
Stefon Diggs 293.2 (Cole)
Davante Adams 288.9 (Brett)
A.J. Brown 266.4 (Nick)
CeeDee Lamb 264.4 (Hoefs)
Ja'Marr Chase 219.8 (Brett)
Cooper Kupp 201.4 (Hoefs)
Jaylen Waddle 198 (Cole)
Amon-Ra St. Brown 186.7 (Nick)
Terry McLaurin 186.1 (Alec)
Mike Evans 176.7 (Andy)
DeVonta Smith 167.2 (Gabe)
Deebo Samuel 164 (Alec)
DeAndre Hopkins 151.7 (Andy)
Chris Godwin 138.3 (Hoefs)
Michael Pittman Jr. 133.2 (Sparky)
Christian Kirk 128 (Sparky)
Tee Higgins 125.7 (Sparky)
DK Metcalf 107.1 (Brett)
Courtland Sutton 101.2 (Gabe)
Mike Williams 92.4 (Sparky/Hoefs)
Marquise Brown 89.8 (Andy)
Christian Watson 86 (Sparky)
Chris Olave 81.5 (Sparky)
Tyler Lockett 80 (Andy/Cole)
Keenan Allen 69.8 (Brett)
Drake London 62.8 (Brett)
Brandon Aiyuk 52.9 (Alec)
Allen Lazard 47.5 (Cole)
Brandin Cooks 45.2 (Cole/Brett)
Diontae Johnson 39.9 (Nick)
Amari Cooper 39.3 (Andy)
Garrett Wilson 38 (Hoefs)
Gabe Davis 36 (Nick)
JuJu Smith-Schuster 33.7 (Andy/Hoefs)
D.J. Moore 33.6 (Hoefs)
Tyler Boyd 28.4 (Cole)
Adam Thielen 19.5 (Sparky)
Joshua Palmer 18.6 (Alec)
Curtis Samuel 10.4 (Hoefs)
Rondale Moore 4.1 (Cole)
Randall Cobb 1.5 (Cole)
TE
Travis Kelce 295.2 (Alec)
T.J. Hockenson 173.7 (Cole)
Mark Andrews 171.5 (Andy)
George Kittle 138.5 (Hoefs)
Dallas Goedert 123.1 (Sparky)
Dalton Schultz 97.4 (Nick)
Zach Ertz 88.7 (Brett)
Dawson Knox 66.3 (Nick/Sparky)
Gerald Everett 61.5 (Gabe)
Kyle Pitts 56 (Gabe)
Hayden Hurst 41.5 (Cole/Nick/Brett)
Darren Waller 39.5 (Brett/Nick)
David Njoku 32.8 (Sparky/Hoefs)
Tyler Higbee 27.4 (Hoefs)Greg Dulcich 23.2 (Brett)
Pat Freiermuth 16.6 (Cole)
Foster Moreau 13.3 (Andy)
Mike Gesicki 12.8 (Alec)
Taysom Hill 1.12 (Andy)
K
Daniel Carlson 138 (Nick/Hoefs)
Justin Tucker 130 (Sparky)
Tyler Bass 126 (Cole)
Evan McPherson 117 (Brett)
Ryan Succop 104 (Andy)
Brandon McManus 80 (Alec/Gabe)
Brett Maher 78 (Cole/Nick)
Younghoe Koo 65 (Gabe)
Jason Myers 54 (Nick)
Graham Gano 32 (Hoefs/Sparky)
Cairo Santos 23 (Alec)
Matt Gay 22 (Hoefs)
Greg Joseph 20 (Cole)
Harrison Butker 17 (Gabe/Alec/Brett)
Jake Elliott 16 (Gabe)
Rodrigo Blankenship 8 (Andy)
DF
San Francisco 49ers 131 (Gabe)
Buffalo Bills 118 (Sparky)
Dallas Cowboys 114 (Brett/Hoefs/Nick)
Philadelphia Eagles 78 (Andy)
New England Patriots 70 (Hoefs/Alec/Cole)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 65 (Alec)
Denver Broncos 57 (Cole)
Los Angeles Rams 47 (Andy)
Baltimore Ravens 44 (Nick/Gabe/Alec)
Minnesota Vikings 44 (Brett)
Green Bay Packers 40 (Hoefs/Nick)
Cleveland Browns 29 (Cole)
Kansas City Chiefs 28 (Nick/Hoefs)
Miami Dolphins 26 (Nick)
New York Jets 22 (Andy/Hoefs)
Pittsburgh Steelers 22 (Nick/Alec)
Tennessee Titans 21 (Sparky/Alec)
New Orleans Saints 16 (Cole)
Jacksonville Jaguars 11 (Nick)
Indianapolis Colts 8 (Andy/Cole)
Atlanta Falcons 8 (Alec)
Seattle Seahawks 8 (Hoefs)
Cincinnati Bengals 7 (Cole/Nick)
Los Angeles Chargers 7 (Nick)
Chicago Bears 6 (Cole)
Final Hypothetical Standings (Top 4 scorers win, bottom 4 lose, no divisions)
Colieveland 96ers 12-4
Here Dad Weights 10-6
Tax Paying Homeowner 9-7
Kyler's Study Buddies 8-8
The Rule of Law 8-8
Scott's Many Endeavors 6-10
No Antisemites Allowed 6-10
Stoltzya's Electric Orcas 5-11
