Saturday, February 27, 2016

85 Movies I Finally Watched Recently (Ranked) + I Hand Out More Fake Awards

I will be the first person to tell someone that I am terrible at watching movies or understanding movie references or getting my eyebrows raised with extreme interest at any movies when they are first released. At least... I WAS terrible at all of that. Thanks to my nice cable service (yes, people still use those), I was able to get HBO, Cinemax, Starz and a whole boatload of channels for three months that typically are not part of whatever package of channels I get. Well, I abused the hell out of that privilege and caught up on a ton of movies that were exclusive to those channels or simply movies that I had not seen even though seemingly everybody and their grandparents had seen these before me (Ex: The Usual Suspects). It is safe to assume that my DVR was jam-packed for a majority of the year. 

As is the common practice with end-of-the-year lists, I ranked all 85 of these movies (It's an idea I came up with the moment I saw how many I actually recorded and thought to myself "I could use one more end of year post"). I'll begin with number 85 just to start this off with a controversial opinion...

#85. Lost In Translation


Starring: Bill Murray, Scarlett Johansson, Giovani Ribisi & Anna Faris
This has to be the most disappointing, mind-numbingly dull movie I have ever seen and I did not even come into it with any expectations. All I knew about the dramedy (which features no drama nor comedy besides a phone call about carpet samples) was that Bill Murray (ok, sure) and Scarlett Johansson (100% Yes. I am now in on this) were stars of the film and that LIT won a whole bunch of awards and is best known for getting Murray his first Academy Award after a lengthy career of classic films. Some movies I will just watch, think "this is dumb" or "kind of boring but it has redeemable moments" but no, I legitimately despise this movie. Lost In Translation has forever made me give up on Bill Murray movies and I refuse to watch anything Coppola-related (which is a pretty strong overreaction/commitment to make). This is the least likable movie I have ever seen that does not involve Adam Sandler and if my own family members gave it to me as a gift, I would throw it in the trash right in front of their face. Okay, so I went too far with that but, just trust me on this one, this is not a movie any human being should waste their time on even at it's short 101 minute run-time.

Tomato Meter: 95%

No way, who actually liked this? Get out of here.

#84. 247°F - A horror film about some people getting stuck in a sauna, what could possibly go wrong? Oh yeah, they are confined to one room, there's never a clear antagonist and the ending leaves the viewer with more questions than when the movie began. Also, there is a pointless dream sequence and the opening scene has no reason for existing. It wasn't even dumb enough to the point where one could find it entertaining. Just a blah movie overall.

Tomato Meter: 18%

#83. Summer Rental - A 1985 comedy starring John Candy, I was expecting something along the lines of 1988's The Great Outdoors (also starring Candy) and instead, I got a movie with an unlikable lead (which should be impossible because it's John Candy, everyone loves John Candy) and a whole bunch of unfunny storylines that resolves in a ship-race that was memorable but not entirely worth it.

Tomato Meter: 15%

#82. Are You Here - I actually encourage other people to see this comedy starring Owen Wilson, Amy Poehler and Zack Galifianakis (who, as always, portrays a bizarre character with a mental disability) but, I only ask others to watch this movie so that they can possibly help me understand just what the fuck the point of Are You Here is. At times, the movie feels like a mad lib with Owen Wilson hand-killing a chicken, Jenna Fischer from The Office as Pam from The Office and Zack Galifianakis watching one of those see-sawing horses outside a convenience store. 

Tomato Meter: 7%

#81. Horrible Bosses 2 - I loved the first Horrible Bosses. This movie is just not as funny as the first and too heavily relies on Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis's bantering back-and-forth. 

Tomato Meter: 35%

#80. Spy Hard - There are two memorable gags involving Ray Charles and the entire movie theme song, sung by Weird Al Yankovic. Everything else is forgettable and goes for the easy joke way too often.

Tomato Meter: 8%

#79. For Your Consideration - Certain actors/actresses people always find themselves coming back to or enjoying whenever they make a cameo appearance in whatever it is they are watching. This Christopher Guest film starred Eugene Levy, Fred Willard, Michael McKean, Bob Balaban, Rachael Harris and Stiffler's mom who are all people I thought I always enjoyed. For Your Consideration simply fails to entertain or make the viewer laugh out loud outside of a dinner scene that is chuckle-worthy. 

Tomato Meter: 50%

Viewers seem to either love or hate this movie and granted, I have never seen ANY of the other, bigger-name Guest movies but I did not care for this first sample.

#78. Admission













Starring: Tina Fey, Paul Rudd, Michael Sheen, Lily Tomlin & Nat Wolff
Another movie that wastes a great cast, I have no idea why Fey agreed to do this movie outside of the obvious answer of "buckets full of money were offered". Fey plays a Princeton Admissions Officer and Rudd plays a former college classmate who now runs an alternative school and wants Fey's character to convince the Admissions Office to accept Jeremiah (Nat Wolff) into Princeton University . Yada, yada, yada, there's an unbelievable romantic angle put in and (SPOILER) he doesn't get in and the rest of the movie you couldn't care less about. Ultimately, this movie is Paul Rudd playing Paul Rudd (which works 50% of the time) and a bunch of money spent on casting for a stupid movie.

Tomato Meter: 38%

#77. Sabrina The Teenage Witch - I had watched the show as a youngster, had never seen the movie and thought "it shouldn't be too bad". There's a reason they do not re-run this movie on the many Nickelodeon affiliated channels as it is way too cheesy to even be mockable as it just left me cringing at the thought that I was watching it. The film does have one surprise as among the Canadian-only cast is a super young Ryan Reynolds that looked just about as nineties as you would expect. The film just isn't quite as sharp and witty as the show was at moments and it features a much different cast.

Tomato Meter: 51%

#76. Ruthless People - Terribly miscast. Bette Midler as a likable character? No. Not for me. Devito as the bad guy? Worked in Matilda. The continuous mis-communications between characters was too predictable (although I give the writers credit for the uniqueness of the mis-communications) and ultimately, this was one that just does not age well.

Tomato Meter: 94%

#75. Saving Mr. Banks - Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Where's the fun of a Disney Film? Oh hi, B.J. Novak. Emma Roberts spoke very highly of the script, saying it was the best she had ever read. Ultimately, it's a dramatic timepiece that just does not know what it is until the tail-end of the movie. This is also one of the most forgettable of the 85 movies listed.

Tomato Meter: 79%

#74. Blended - Believe me, I am fully on the "post-'04 Sandler is garbage" bandwagon but, I enjoyed this movie for what it was (a tween-targeted movie with Terry Crews, Drew Barrymore and too many obvious gags). Trust me, I was ready to bail about six minutes in but, it turns out to be a decent family film despite having too much Sandler and not enough Kevin Nealon. Warning: The stereotypical characters are strong in this one but not quite boisterous enough to be offensive.

Tomato Meter: 14%

Oh hi, Dan Patrick.

#73. The Brothers Solomon - You have to be in the right kind of mindset to truly enjoy this movie. The Brothers Solomon is a comedy starring Will Forte and Will Arnett as the Solomon brothers. Their father is ailing and they just want to make him proud and give him a grandchild before he dies. Kristen Wiig appears and the movie is so dumb that it's funny and that would not have worked with any other cast. It's basically Step Brothers but more likable and with a pregnant woman.

Tomato Meter: 15%

#72. Draft Day

Starring: Kevin Costner, Jennifer Garner & Denis Leary
Well, it certainly was not boring. The entire movie forces itself into being entertaining by ignoring the lack of actual drama that goes on in an NFL front office. This movie is a must-watch for any sports fan as they will laugh at the ridiculousness of a mother showing up with her husband's ashes ON HER SON'S BUSIEST DAY OF THE GODDAMN YEAR and many more hilarious storylines. The trades are ridiculous, the Jaguars front office is incompetent and the best actor is none of these people. I love this movie for completely opposite reasons that the creator's had in mind. It's just so easy to mock with your sports pals.

Tomato Meter: 60%

#71. This Is Where I Leave You - Another movie that squanders what could have been a good movie with a star-studded ensemble cast. I tuned in expecting something more similar to Death At A Funeral but instead, saw a drama mis-categorized as more of a comedy than it actually was.

Tomato Meter: 41%

#70. That Awkward Moment - The casting really saved this one which, just like the previous movie, is more of a romantic drama than the comedy it was being advertised as. It's a decent enough movie to just turn off your brain and watch if there's nothing else on but, I was expecting a lot more out of this movie with the strong trio of Zac Effron, Michael B. Jordan and Miles Teller starring as the leads.

Tomato Meter: 23%

I'm still not selling the stock I bought in those three though. It'll take more than that and some unfavorable Miles Teller interviews for me to give up on all three being superduperstars (I mean... just look at MBJ getting all those favorable reviews from Creed).

#69. Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties - The only thing that possessed me to record this movie was that I had seen the first one (like a decade ago, once) and for some reason, I got it for Christmas one year but proceeded to sell it at a garage sale this past year (it actually might still be out there for all I know). This film went on to get nominated for two Razzie Awards and I could see why as it was intended for very small children but at the end of the day, it was not as terribly dull for adults as the reviews state.

Tomato Meter: 11%

#68. The Other Woman - Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann and Kate Upton are all sleeping with Nikolaj Klippyblahblah Game of Thrones dude. It's your typical semi-romanic comedy with some dull characters (Diaz's character is especially uninteresting and I've seen the business-driven, no social-life woman in too many movies). Nicki Minaj is also a receptionist in this movie so... there's that. Funny-ish, entertaining-ish but overall, not recommended.

Tomato Meter: 23%

#67. A Million Ways To Die In The West - From the same guy that brought us Ted and many animated FOX shows, I expected the movie to have some fairly obvious gags but, I did not expect the entire plot and side-stories to be as predictable as they were. Some of the jokes fell as flat as a recent Family Guy episode but (as with most comedies), it is still an okay watch that at least has a coherent story.

Tomato Meter: 33%

#66. Outlaw Justice - An old-fashioned western starring old-fashioned country music singers, what more could one want out of a movie!? Well for starters, it could have had a less generic story about some outlaws seeking vengeance for a fallen compadre with the help of the late friend's inexperienced son (who is the worst actor among a cast that includes Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Travis Tritt and Waylon Jennings). Your considerably older relatives might enjoy this one more than you (assuming you're younger than 50).

Tomato Meter: 51%

#65. Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The Thirteenth - It's Scary Movie only more childish and with Coolio as the school principal. There's some really funny details that are easy to miss in this film and even though it was direct-to-video, I wouldn't necessarily mind watching it one more time.

Tomato Meter: 14%

#64. Tammy - Melissa McCarthy characters always work well in Saturday Night Live skits, not so much in movies. The character of "Tammy" is a bit too crazy even for McCarthy's standards. Susan Sarandon is great (as always) and what happens to her character at the end of the movie just feels sort of pointless. It's an entertaining road-trip movie with hit-or-miss gags that sometimes last way too long.

Tomato Meter: 23%

#63. Snow Day - A Nickelodeon movie that I had never heard of, Snow Day stars a young Emmanuelle Chriqui, Chevy Chase, Chris Elliott, Jean Smart, Iggy Pop and a bunch of other unknowns. The movie has two main stories about teenager Hal (played by Mark Webber) and his crush on Chriqui's character and the other story is about Hal's younger sister and her band of elementary students fight to keep their school snowed in and closed which causes conflict with Chris Elliot's "Snowplowman". Meh, cute in a kids movie kind of way for 25% of the movie, the rest of it could have been better executed.

Tomato Meter: 28%

#62. A Case Of You - An indie romantic comedy starring Justin Long and Evan Rachel Wood (with cameos from Vince Vaughn & Peter Dinklage as a bizarre barista), A Case of You was a very relaxing movie with no shocking ups or downs (unlike too many films today). Justin Long's character's insecurities ultimately make this rom-com as the first half is about him semi-stalking Wood's character's Facebook and the second half revolves around them both adjusting to each other's real interests. It's refreshing and realistic but, they under-utilize Vaughn and it is not terribly interesting.

Tomato Meter: 41%

#61. The Heat














Starring: Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy
The Heat is just another perfect example of McCarthy's character being written a bit too crazy for the viewer to keep laughing every time she does something zany or outrageous. Also, I don't care how great an actress Sandra Bullock is, in no universe is she going to pull off the "awkward police officer". It has real comedic moments that involve the actual crime they are solving but the personal lives of the two main characters are just annoying.

Tomato Meter: 65%

#60. About Alex - Basically an update on The Big Chill, this one was pretty realistic and had a simple premise of "guy tries to kill self, friends help him regain sanity and happiness". The entire cast is good and my only real issue was Max Greenfield's character being almost too douchey (I'm just out here inventing words again).

Tomato Meter: 47%

#59. Delivery Man - A surprisingly heartfelt film and not as bad as it sounds, Vince Vaughn stars as a man who owes some sketchy characters a lot of money. One night when it seems like his life is crumbling apart, he comes home to find a lawyer who gives him paperwork from a sperm bank detailing how Vaughn has fathered 533 children and 142 of those kids have grown up and filed a lawsuit against him. He ends up winning the $200,000 lawsuit and guilt follows Vaughn at the end of the movie. Overall, it's a fairly nice film where the real star of the movie is Chris Pratt as Vaughn's personal lawyer and a stressed out dad.

Tomato Meter: 39%

#58. Let's Be Cops - This film does not deserve all of the hate that it gets. It's not a HILARIOUS bro-fest as advertised but, hearty chuckles are had. Much more action than I expected but then again, it is technically a movie about "cops" so I'm not so sure what I expected.

Tomato Meter: 18%

#57. Inside Llewyn Davis - I was disappointed in this movie as the only character I ended up giving an ounce of shit about was a cat that tagged along for half the trip then is never referenced again. The story is there with a disappointing resolution while the music is pleasant and the acting is tremendous. The shout-out at the end to (SPOILER) Bob Dylan was much appreciated.

Tomato Meter: 94%

#56. Mystery Men - I apologize as I watched this movie very early in the morning and was only 50% awake for the entire movie but, I got the gist of what was being presented and could see how it became a sort of cult classic as the humor isn't everyone's cup of tea. The cast is absolutely stacked with names and Greg Kinnear's Captain Amazing is a highlight of the film.

Tomato Meter: 60%

#55. RV - Exactly what you would expect from a Robin Williams-led family movie. Not quite as many cringeworthy moments as I expected and most importantly, the movie is never dull. The biggest laugh it got from me was the realization that the youngest child in the family was a then 13-year old Josh Hutcherson (of Hunger Games fame). I didn't mind it.

Tomato Meter: 23%

#54. For Ellen - Similar to Llewyn Davis in many ways, For Ellen follows one character (Paul Dano's Joby Taylor) and his depressing life. Featuring Jon Heder as Joby's childhood friend and lawyer, the story follows Taylor on the legal fight for custody of his daughter and ultimately, his one day he gets to see his daughter.

Tomato Meter: 66%

#53. Bad Words - A better movie than I thought it would be, the premise of a man entering a kid's spelling bee is ridiculous no matter how you twist it. Jason Bateman is one of the few people that could actually play this main character and genuine laughs are held throughout as he competes with/befriends Chaitanya Chopra, a 10-year old entrant.

Tomato Meter: 65%

#52. 25th Hour - This movie deserves the praise it gets because it is an entertaining view into a man's last day in the real world until he is locked in prison for seven years for dealing drugs. The acting is excellent (as is to be expected from this cast) and the New York vibes are strong thanks to Spike Lee (as is to be expected from this director). I don't see where the "movie of the decade" hype is coming from but, this was a really good post-9/11 New York film in a time where there were no other examples of that type of film working.

Tomato Meter: 78%

#51. Clear History - Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Movie.

Tomato Meter: 52%

#50. The To Do List














Starring : Aubrey Plaza, Johnny Simmons, Bill Hader, Rachel Bilson & many more awesome people
This is not the greatest or most original idea ever crafted into a film but, it is nearly impossible to not like some part of this movie whether it be the juvenile humor moments, the actors or the straightforward way that Plaza's main character discusses her list of sexual acts that she wants to complete in order to gain experience in that field before college. It's a weird but lovable movie that is very pop culture savvy and takes place in the early-90's.

Tomato Meter: 53%

#49. Wet Hot American Summer - Another cult classic, this movie had a ton of now-famous actors acting ridiculous before they were famous. The list of now A-listers (or B-listers, fame is a confusing concept to digest by lists in 2016) includes Elizabeth Banks, Amy Poehler, Bradley Cooper, Paul Rudd and even Christopher Meloni (who was well known as Detective Stabler on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit). I watched this movie a second time with other people and enjoyed it even better during the second viewing. For fans of this movie, I would recommend the Netflix series, Wet Hot American Summer: First Day Of Camp, a prequel that is only eight episodes long and features many celebrity cameos.

Tomato Meter: 32%

#48. Harry and The Hendersons - Family films were a lot easier to find and get made back in the late eighties. Harry and the Hendersons is the story of Bigfoot's existence and how he becomes a part of the Henderson family that discovers him. It's super cheesy but, a good movie-viewing experience for any age even with some outdated references here and there.

Tomato Meter: 44%

#47. Accepted - This movie was one that was relatable for anybody who has been rejected by multiple (or in the main character's case, ALL) schools that they've wanted to attend or just even people who have had the fear of disappointing parents. Accepted is an enjoyable watch with some humor as the movie is eventually hijacked by Lewis Black's character, a professor who is hired to teach at the school that the main characters created out of an abandoned psychiatric hospital. My one issue with the movie (other than being way too predictable) was that there are not many moments that stuck with me as nothing really memorable happens in it's 92 minute run-time.

Tomato Meter: 37%

#46. Small Soldiers - Much like the #48 movie, Small Soldiers is fun for all ages and answers the question "what would it be like if action figures came to life?". The answer is "not good".

Tomato Meter: 48%

#45. The Dead Girl - Five stories all morphed into one, The Dead Girl was an indie film released in 2006 with a major cast that was convincing enough to have me record it. Told in five portions, the first section of the film (The Stranger) presents more questions than answers and sets up the next four portions of the movie that slowly answer most of the questions the viewer might have. There is a part that could have been made clearer (as far as the murder and [SPOILER] his wife not turning him in) but, everything else explains itself in a pretty unique manner.

Tomato Meter: 75%

#44. Foul Play - The only movie to get Chevy Chase nominated for a Golden Globe, this comedic thriller movie was enough of a hit that it inspired a failed television show based on the movie. The entire film is basically what would happen if Alfred Hitchcock made a comedy. Foul Play holds up very well for a nearly 40-year old film and the Goldie Hawn/Burgess Meredith/Dudley Moore combo is still humorous to this day.

Tomato Meter: 75%

#43. The Internship

















Starring: Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Rose Byrne
It's been eleven years since Wedding Crashers and the Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson duo act should be stale by now but, they made themselves out of touch with present day technology in The Internship and it just works for whatever reason. Vaughn and Wilson have been playing the same characters for 15 years (outside of Vaughn's ill-advised stint on True Detective) but, the added dynamic of having the two work with a team as they try to win jobs at Google works as entertainment.

Tomato Meter: 34%

#42. The Maze Runner - (Note: I never read the book so, this was a spoiler-free viewing) Of all the teenage novel-based dystopian flicks, this one lives up to it's potential the least with a whack ending. I cannot say that the viewing was not worth it though, as I was consistently entertained and genuinely on the edge of my seat for most of the first 100 minutes. It's the last 13 minutes that will probably prevent me from continuing onward with the series.

Tomato Meter: 64%

#41. 11:14 - Similar to The Dead Girl, 11:14 takes one mystery about a dead girl and stretches it into a five part film with many side-stories that relate to the main topic at hand all taking place at 11:14 PM. The one thing that gives 11:14 an edge over The Dead Girl was that the creators of this movie still managed to throw dark, humorous curveballs into a pretty depressing story featuring a bunch of loathsome characters. I mean... somebody loses a penis and it's hilarious.

Tomato Meter: 92%

#40. Million Dollar Arm - Based on the true story of Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel and their unique venture into Major League Baseball, Million Dollar Arm stars Jon Hamm as sports agent J.B. Bernstein. Bernstein recruits Singh and Patel from India and with help from pitching coach Tom House, turns two guys in their early twenties from good cricket players with no knowledge of baseball into potential baseball pitchers. The movie is a really nice look into the life of a struggling sports agent (something rarely made into a movie) and even India and small glimpses into their culture. The movie adds in bits of fictional romantic drama between Bernstein and his tenant (played by Lake Bell) but, it never overshadows the main story at hand.

Tomato Meter: 62%

#39. The Devil Wears Prada - I recorded this one thinking it would be too much of a potentially corny "chick flick" for me to get into but, I toughed it out and ended up enjoying the experience of Meryl Streep playing the boss from hell as Anne Hathaway slowly and reluctantly adjusted to being Streep's personal assistant. The two actresses really nail their parts and Streep won the Golden Globe that year (although I thought Hathaway was better) so, it's a film that everyone should probably see at some point in their life (just a suggestion, not a demand).

Tomato Meter: 75%

#38. Mystery Team - Not to be confused with Mystery Men, This movie comes off as incredibly dumb in the first five or so minutes but, quickly becomes a guilty pleasure of cringe-worthy comedy at it's finest as the locally famous Mystery Team (Donald Glover, DC Pierson, Dominic Dierkes) graduate from both high school and from amateur detectives that save cats from trees to real detectives that solve a double homicide. This movie will not be everybody's favorite but, I personally loved it and movies with Donald Glover, Aubrey Plaza, Ellie Kemper and Bobby Moynihan are sure to win some people over.

Tomato Meter: 53%

#37. Coffee Town - Another movie that flew under the radar, this 2013 comedy's leading star is Glenn Howerton of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia fame. If this movie teaches the viewer anything it's that A. Howerton plays a pretty good possibly psychotic person and B. Never try to rob anything. Howerton's character, Will, uses the local coffee shop as his personal office as he cannot get any work done anywhere else. The shop then announces it will be turning into a bistro, meaning Will's work schedule could be disrupted. Will then convinces two of his friends to stage a robbery so that the corporate owners see the shop as unfit for a bistro. A strange idea for a movie that is made better by the banter between Howerton, his two friends (Steve Little & Ben Schwartz) and some good writing.

Tomato Meter: 56%

#36. Thelma & Louise










Starring: Susan Sarandon, Geena Davis & Brad Pitt
Everybody and their grandmother had seen this movie before I did so, I don't need to summarize it for you, the reader (If you don't know about it, that's on you. Like I said, I'm terrible at watching relevant movies and even I have seen this movie before you. Go rent it or find it on Netflix). It's very rare when a movie with a twist ending is still enjoyable even when I knew how the movie ended. The only thing that caught me by surprise was Brad Pitt showing up out of nowhere as J.D., the sketchy hitchhiker.

Tomato Meter: 83%

#35. Divergent - Another dystopian film, Divergent has a shocker of a twist right in the middle of the film which leads to a whole lot of cool action, tragedy and chaos. The movie drew a ton of comparisons to The Hunger Games but, in no way is it just a rip off of that mega-hit of a film. Divergent simply rode the tidal wave of what genre of film was at peak popularity in the 2010's (this post-apocalyptic teen action/drama genre) and based a film off of an already popular franchise of novels. Everything about this movie worked for me until I saw Kate Winslet as the future president and went "hold on a minute...".

Tomato Meter: 40%

#34. The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty - This film probably won't win a ton of people over simply with it's story line of "man tries to find missing man probably in a foreign land through a set of photos that could be clues all while his place of work (Life magazine) shuts down and he falls for a co-worker". That part is nice and all but, the beautiful imagery of Greenland, Iceland and the Himalayas along with the perfect casting of Ben Stiller and Kirsten Wiig make this a worthwhile 114 minutes. The soundtrack is also a good one featuring Arcade Fire, Of Monsters and Men and David Bowie as the songs really add to the viewing experience.

Tomato Meter: 50%

#33. Last Vegas - Morgan Freeman, Robert De Niro, Michael Douglas, Kevin Kline and Mary Steenburgen in a comedy about accepting your age while set in Las Vegas? I AM SO IN ON THIS. The 2013 movie is your typical comedy with all-star actors and works as an hour and 45 minute film and I hope that they don't just go for the cash grab and make a sequel right away the way that so many comedies do today. There is a dramatic angle between Douglas and De Niro which adds a little bit of intrigue to the movie and it's nothing revolutionary or cinematic gold but, I just happened to enjoy it more than 52 of the other films I watched in this short span of free HBO.

Tomato Meter: 46%

#32. Enough Said - The most realistic movie of the 85 ranked here, Enough Said is a romdramcom (Romantic Comedy/Drama) featuring Juliette Louis-Dreyfus as a masseuse who begins a relationship with a fellow divorcee (played by the late James Gandolfini) while one of her few clients turns out to be his ex-wife. This same client also befriended Louis-Dreyfus right around the time she hit it off with Gandolfini. Once Louis-Dreyfus's character figures all of this out, she uses it to her advantage in order to make the relationship work all while her daughter gets ready to move to college.

Tomato Meter: 96%

#31. Children On Their Birthdays - I only recorded this movie for Landry from Friday Night Lights (Jesse Plemons, who has also had parts on Breaking Bad and Fargo). As it turns out, this 2002 film was a kid's movie that took place in 1947. Based on a Truman Capote short story, The basis of the movie is a girl moves to rural Alabama, next door to a boy around the same age (played by Joe Pichler). Jesse Plemons comes into the film as the best friend of Pichler and they end up going separate paths as they fight over many things including the affection of this 13-year old girl. The girl (named Lily Jane Bobbit) could not care less about these two thinking she's the greatest girl to ever appear in Alabama as she is too busy trying to achieve her goals as an actress by performing in a talent show. It's a movie that requires a viewing in order to get the whole feel of the story and to get the enjoyment out of a very well done coming of age film.

Tomato Meter: 69%

#30. Funny Farm - As a person who grew up with a dad that showed me a ton of Saturday Night Live alumnus movies (Christmas Vacation, Wayne's World, Blues Brothers, etc.), I was shocked to find out that there was a Chevy Chase movie from 1988 (right in my dad's wheelhouse) that neither of us had seen. I made sure to watch this one with him and it was a grand 'ole time as Andy Farmer (Chase) and his wife adjusted to life in a new small town in Vermont after living in New York City. The funny scenarios that played out were a joy to watch, including Farmer wanting to buy a dog and (SPOILER) immediately losing him in the woods. It's a great family film that hasn't aged poorly.

Tomato Meter: 67%

#29. Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World - In Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World, the world is ending (duh) due to an asteroid headed to destroy all life on earth. Two neighbors, played by Steve Carell and Keira Knightley break up with their significant others and decide to help each other find the people they love before the world ends. Carell wants to find an old flame named Olivia who sent him a letter expressing her love three months prior while, Knightley needs Carell to find "a friend with a plane" so that she might travel to the UK and reunite with her family. It's a sweet movie with some bizarre comedic moments in the most bizarre of situations (the end of the world).

Tomato Meter: 55%

#28. The Usual Suspects


















Starring: Stephen Baldwin, Kevin Pollak, Gabriel Byrne, Pete Postlethwaite, Chazz Palmintieri & Kevin Spacey
The first 90 minutes of this film are so impossibly difficult to follow that this could have just as easily been one of the ten worst movies I saw recently BUT (this is a huge but), the iconic ending is so worth the grueling wait that the entire film is redeemed in the end. Yes, I literally went into this movie with no knowledge of what was going to happen despite recognizing references like "Keyser Soze".

Tomato Meter: 88%

#27. Now You See Me - Looking back on this list, I probably would demote this movie about twenty spots due to a confusing ending after a great twist. Magicians robbing banks by using their magic of teleportation is fun when there is also a whole team of FBI agents following their every move and always being a step behind. It's not well directed or a piece of cinematic excellence but, it's very entertaining and that's all most people ask for from a film.

Tomato Meter: 50%

#26. Grace Is Gone - John Cusack plays a widow and father of two whose wife was killed in the Iraq War. The movie tells the story of how Cusack's character struggles to tell his daughters the heartbreaking news and instead, decides to take them out of school for a few days so that they can have a fun road trip with their father as he learns how to bond with them at the same time as it fully seeps in that he is a single parent now.

Tomato Meter: 62%

#25. The Station Agent - Peter Dinklage's first starring role came in this 2003 indie film as Finbar McBride, a loner obsessed with trains. McBride works at a model train hobby shop until the elderly owner (also a loner who's only hobby appears to be trains) dies on the job. The shop closes and McBride inherits a small building right next to a train track. He thinks that he will find peace and quiet at what is his new home in the middle of nowhere but, Bobby Cannavale appears outside his home as he operates a food truck while his father is ill. Along the way after shopping for groceries, McBride also meets Patricia Clarkson's character, a divorced woman whose son passed away two years prior. The movie is a moving character study that was successful for me in every way that Lost In Translation failed (Have I mentioned how much I hate that movie recently? because I do.)

Tomato Meter: 95%

#24. 22 Jump Street - If you've seen the Jonah Hill/Channing Tatum remake of 21 Jump Street and enjoyed that, you will enjoy 22 Jump Street just as much, maybe even more than it's predecessor. Sequels in comedy are far less likely to work than in any other genre (besides maybe horror films) and this movie's fourth wall breaking never grows old even though they call back to the first film and wink at the screen (sometimes literally) often. Keep your eyes glued to the screen throughout the entire film as there is a post-credits scene and it is the highlight of the entire movie. 23 Jump Street is in the works and it's nice to have faith in a comedy direction team (the excellence that is Phil Lord & Christopher Miller) to do a sequel correctly for once.

Tomato Meter: 85%

#23. Thank You For Smoking - Struck while the anti-hero iron was hot (The Sopranos was at peak popularity), this 2005 comedy-drama about a spokesperson for tobacco (portrayed by Aaron Eckhart) gives a deeper look at how someone so seemingly awful is ultimately just doing the work that he is best at. Eckhart's character defends tobacco throughout the much of the film, even after a nicotine hypersensitivity scare that results in his inability to smoke ever again.

Tomato Meter: 86%

#22. Marvin's Room - Marvin (Hume Cronyn) is bed-ridden for life after a stroke and his daughter (Diane Keaton) has been taking care of him for nearly twenty years. Keaton's character finds out that she has leukemia and calls her sister (Meryl Streep), who has not spoken to her in twenty years so that her sister might come down and help with Marvin's care. Streep's son (played by Leonardo DiCaprio) has mental health concerns which of course, adds more drama and stress into the picture. Eventually, the family grows closer over the span of the movie and despite it's Lifetime movie premise, it's one of the better non-Lifetime Lifetime films I've ever seen.

Tomato Meter: 80%

#21. Two Night Stand - I've never been snowed into a place temporarily nor have I ever been trapped in a large city (with all of horrifying traffic) during a snowstorm and this movie played out a scenario that was very original. Megan and Alex (Analeigh Tipton & Miles Teller) meet on a dating website, have a one night stand, don't get along the next morning and decide it's best that Megan leaves Alex's apartment. That seems like a pretty short movie until TWIST ALERT! they are snowed into the apartment and cannot leave. It's a really fun rom-com of sorts that everybody can enjoy.

Tomato Meter: 34% (66% of people are just plain wrong)

#20. Neighbors - Mac and Kelly (Seth Rogen & Rose Byrne) are a couple with a newborn baby who purchase a new house. After a short span of time, a fraternity moves in next door and of course, parties into the night causing the baby to lose sleep and most importantly, Mac and Kelly. The rest of the movie has Mac and Kelly tying to stay friendly with the frat leader (Zac Efron) by not calling the police every time the noise level exceeds their wishes. Eventually, the frat quits playing nice and hilarity ensues. It's a comedy that the millennial generation will remember twenty years down the road as this generation's Animal House. The cast is absolutely perfect as well with people like McLovin, Phoebe from Friends, Rafi from The League, Hannibal Burress and a breakthrough performance by Jarrod Carmichael appearing for short segments of the film.

Tomato Meter: 73%

#19. Gravity


















Starring: Sandra Bullock & George Clooney
Clooney's character in Gravity is really stupid. He's the chillest person in the universe that at one point you could even picture him holding a martini with how chill Clooney's character is acting (basically every Clooney role as of late) even as he gets sucked into space. The rest of the film is Bullock floating through the tremendous CGI of outer space, trying to find her path back to her home planet (earth). It's a gorgeous film with believable (for us, the non-rocket scientists of the world) drama.

Tomato Meter: 97%

#18. Akeelah And The Bee - Seven years prior to Bad Words, there was a movie that actually took the spelling bee seriously. Akeelah and the Bee stars Keke Palmer as 11-year old Akeelah Anderson, a girl who enters the school's spelling bee by her principal's suggestion and ends up winning. After a series of tests, Akeelah is discovered to be good enough to compete at the national spelling bee. Once she qualifies for the regional spelling bee, Akeelah joins a spelling club with a variety of characters including Javier, who she becomes close with. Akeelah is also coached by Dr. Larabee (Laurence Fishburne), a man who sees the potential in Akeelah but also sees his deceased daughter. The film is uplifting and avoids all stereotypes that could have easily added unnecessary twists into the plot and Angela Bassett does a great job as Akeelah's disapproving mother.

 Tomato Meter: 84%

#17. The Judge - Robert Duvall plays a judge whose wife dies and three sons reunite at the funeral, thus bringing tension into the air in the small town of Carlinville. One of his sons (Robert Downey Jr.) is a successful attorney in Chicago who clearly has some animosity toward his father for reasons explained throughout the film. The judge leaves in a fury after an argument with his lawyer son and Downey Jr.'s character notices the next morning that the judge's car has a few dents and scratches in it from the previous night. As it turns out, Duvall may or may not have been in a hit-and-run while intoxicated and Downey Jr. has to defend him in his own court while Duvall is also hiding a deep secret. There is an unnecessary old-flame love story twist with Downey Jr.'s character that takes up way too much time in a movie that was 142 minutes long but, could have just as easily been 120 minutes without the love story. It's a very real, sad film where a father re-bonds with his forgotten son and they use Bon Iver's "Holocene" twice and it's just the best possible usage of that song.

Tomato Meter: 47%

#16. Never Let Me Go - This movie is way too deep to even begin to describe. It's a dystopian romantic drama starring Andrew Garfield and Carey Mulligan that goes into which characters in this movie's universe have souls and it is just really different. Rarely are romantic movies done this well but, this movie is on the same tier as The Notebook when it comes to twisty twists and heart-wrenching moments. It is easily one of the three most depressing watches on this list but, that seemed like the point of Never Let Me Go.

Tomato Meter: 71%

#15. Dallas Buyers Club - Matthew McConaughey plays a straight man in 1985 Dallas who is diagnosed with AIDS and given a grim diagnosis (as most AIDS patients were in 1985). He ends up getting fired and evicted and his health declines due to drug use until he ends up in the hospital, where he meets Rayon (Jared Leto) a transgender woman who has HIV. After McConaughey leaves the hospital, he drives to Mexico to get more of the only American legal drug (AZT) as his health is deteriorating quicker until a doctor introduces him to a new unapproved drug ddC and the protein peptide T which help him immensely. McConaughey sneaks the drugs back into America and starts a business with Rayon selling the drugs illegally. It is a fascinating piece of American history (this is mostly based on the true story of Ron Woodruff) and without any knowledge of who dies or doesn't or who gets arrested or who doesn't, it's a thrilling watch that is fantastically played out by McConaughey, Leto and Jennifer Garner as Dr. Eve Saks.

Tomato Meter: 93%

#14. Gone Girl - We are now in the territory of basically flawless movies in my opinion and Gone Girl has some of the twistiest twists I have ever seen. I loved this movie from a dramatic perspective, a horror perspective and even as a slight look behind the scenes of Nancy Grace's steaming dog turd of a show and how easy it is to manipulate the public's opinion of an individual. The thing about this movie that I loved the most is how much it forces the viewer to think. "Should I be rooting for Ben Affleck?", "Where the hell is Rosamund Pike?", "Should I be rooting for Rosamund Pike?", "Is person A going to kill person B?", "IS THERE ANYBODY WORTH ROOTING FOR IN THIS MOVIE?". With zero knowledge going into the movie, I loved every minute of it (even creepy Neil Patrick Harris) and love a film that can start and end with the same scene with a totally different meaning by the end of the movie. Shit, this movie revived Tyler Perry's acting career potentially.

Tomato Meter: 88%

#13. Dreamgirls - Much in the same way that there was a McConaugh-sance in 2014, there was a huge Jamie Foxx-essaince in the mid-00's with his starring in Ray and appearance in Dreamgirls. Granted, this was more of a Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce' Knowles film than a Jamie Foxx film but, the entire casting was a success. Dreamgirls is an entertainingly fast-paced biographical flick based on The Supremes and the Motown record label. It's another fascinating look back in the history of American entertainment and what it was like for black musicians coming up with segregation not too far back in the rear-view mirror. Eddie Murphy does a great job in this movie and that's something that has only happened once in the last twenty years so, not much more convincing should be necessary for someone to see it that has not after it's been out for a decade.

Tomato Meter: 78%

#12. The World's End - The comedic pairing of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost continues to be an overwhelming success. The film begins with Pegg's and Frost's characters going back to their college town along with their two friends. There is a pub crawl consisting of twelve pubs (all perfectly named) that has a legendary feat of attending and drinking at all of the bars that this group of four has yet to accomplish. Sounds like a pretty fun premise right? Well, then aliens get involved and I'll leave it at that for all of you to now watch this apocalyptic action-comedy.

Tomato Meter: 89%

#11. Lee Daniels' The Butler - Loosely based on the life of white house butler Eugene Allen, Forest Whitaker plays Cecil Gaines, a man with the same title as Allen. At 7 years old, Gaines' father is shot in front of him after the farmowner that owned his family raped his mother. This movie is tremendously played out by a cast of all-stars as the life story of Gaines is told from his rise to becoming a butler at the white house to his return to the white house to meet the first ever black president. It's a film that touches on the issues that Gaines and his family dealt with including the Black Panther movement, John F. Kennedy's assassination and the relationships that are broken and repaired within the family over multiple decades. It's a fantastic piece of dramatic cinema and none of it was nominated for any Oscars.

Tomato Meter: 71%

#10. Disconnect

















Starring: Jason Bateman, Paula Patton, Alexander Skarsgard, Hope Davis, Frank Grillo & Andrea Riseborough
An under-appreciated movie, Disconnect alternates between three stories that are all somewhat connected by all involving the same cast of characters and all main plots being caused by the internet and the culture it has created. It's not difficult to find something to watch that talks about the negative sides of the internet (for god's sake, CSI: Cyber is still on television somehow) but, it is rarely portrayed and written as well as it is in this film. One storyline was really predictable and still made my heart jump when I saw the result of the online bullying in the Jason Bateman plot. The other two stories that are told are the crumbling marriage of Skarsgard & Patton being made worse when Skarsgard discovers what Patton has been doing online and the story of a chatroom stripper named Kyle (Max Thieriot) and a news reporter (Riseborough) who wants to save him from a toxic lifestyle. This movie is a very well done piece of drama and film critic Richard Roeper put it best when he said "there wasn't a moment during this movie when I thought about anything other than this movie".

Tomato Meter: 68%

#9. The Great Gatsby

















Starring: Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan, Leonardo DiCaprio & Joel Edgerton
Everyone in the world knew the story of The Great Gatsby before I did because I was never forced to read it in school somehow. I greatly enjoyed the story of Jay Gatsby (DiCaprio) but, the thing that really won me over in the newest adaptation of the film was the vibrant color and quirkiness Baz Luhrmann added to the film (as he has been well known for over his career. See: Romeo & Juliet). DiCaprio truly is one of the best actors working right now and this film showcases it. Bonus points for a completely original modern soundtrack that actually has some bangers on it.

Tomato Meter: 48%

#8. Philomena












Starring: Steve Coogan & Judi Dench
Based on a true story, Philomena Lee (Dame Judi Dench) is an elderly woman whose son was adopted by another family as she lived in a convent fifty years ago. Her daughter ends up meeting with journalist Martin Sixsmith (Coogan) and convincing him to look into the location of Philomena's son. Dench does a wonderful job of portraying a deeply religious Irish woman whose spirits remain high no matter how hopeless the search for her son seems or how dark the subject matter of the movie gets. When Sixsmith realizes that the convent has been hiding secrets from Philomena after all these years, the confrontation between him and the nuns at the convent is as intense a scene as you'll get from a movie listed as a "comedy". There are comedic moments and uplifting moments but this movie transcends genres.

Tomato Meter: 92%

#7. Boyhood

















Starring: Ellar Coltrane, Patricia Arquette & Ethan Hawke
A coming-of-age drama that took twelve years to film, Boyhood is the most realistic film I've watched this past year. Get ready to sit down for a while if you are thinking of watching this one because it is nearly three hours and the time will be well spent viewing this 2015 Oscar nominee. It is a surreal feeling to witness Coltrane literally grow up on screen over the span of three hours as Mason Evans Jr. His father (Ethan Hawke) rarely sees him after a divorce from Mason's mother (Patricia Arquette). and the movie touches on all the topics of the typical boy's life including his relationship with his father (and future stepfathers), his friendships, his growing interest in females and his experimenting in drugs and alcohol. Eventually he moves away for college and the build-up to the last few scenes of Coltrane at college features one of my three favorite monologues from any movie I've ever seen in Patricia Arquette's realization that she would now go throughout life with neither of her children living at home anymore. Granted, Coltrane isn't that good of an actor after he turns 13 but Arquette is the real star of the film as the strong mother who goes through a ton of bullshit in Boyhood.

Tomato Meter: 98%

#6. The Grand Budapest Hotel













Starring: Tony Revolori, Ralph Fiennes, Adrien Brody, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum, Saoirse Ronan & Edward Norton
At this point every movie was flawless and I can only share part of the story to convince readers and my reactions to the film. I adored everything about The Grand Budapest Hotel, the acting, the cameos, the quirks, the writing, the story, the characters, the costumes and in general, the whole look of the film that is commonly found in Wes Anderson-directed projects. This 2015 Academy Award nominee for Best Picture is worth the hour and forty minutes even as it challenges the viewer to pay attention 100% of the movie as every line of dialogue feels important through the whole ride.

Tomato Meter: 92%

#5. The Way, Way Back













Starring: Liam James, Toni Collette, AnnaSophia Robb, Sam Rockwell, Steve Carell and Allison Janney
In another coming-of-age film, 14-year old Duncan (Liam James) is less than thrilled to go to a summer house down by the shores of Massachusetts for vacation with his mother (Collette), her boyfriend (Carell) and his daughter (Zoe Levin). Steve Carell plays a douchebag in this movie so, that's fun. This is the perfect coming-of-age movie because James does such a great job of playing the shy 14-year old that eventually opens up, has problems with his potential stepdad and is assisted along the way by Sam Rockwell. Rockwell's character is the cool uncle/cousin we all have (or wish we had) but, multiplied by ten as he gets the kid a job and helps Duncan become the coolest person to ever grace the local water park all while not even knowing him prior to the Summer. It's an uplifting movie that reunites two of my favorite actors (Carrell & Collette) from one of my favorite movies (Little Miss Sunshine).

Tomato Meter: 85%

#4. Fruitvale Station













Starring: Michael B. Jordan
If one does not know the story of Oscar Grant, do not worry as everyone is introduced to the story's tragic ending within the first minute as Ryan Coogler made the brilliant decision of showing the actual footage that ends up being the inspiration for this movie. Everybody knows where the movie is going and yet, when the climax of the film occurred, I wasn't ready. The movie really does something special by not having a ton happen in it for the first 60 minutes as the creators of the movie decided not to make it any more dramatic than it needed to be in order for the climactic scene to have a much stronger impact. If the final scene of this film doesn't make you cry, you are made of stone. That last scene is enough to silence a whole theater of people even as they leave. SEE THIS MOVIE.

Tomato Meter: 94%

#3. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

















Starring: Thomas Horn, Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock and Max von Sydow
I promise this is the last controversial opinion I have on a movie as a shocking (to me at least) amount of people hated/disliked this film. Based on the 2005 novel with the same name, this 2011 drama was advertised as a Tom Hanks/Sandra Bullock movie so I could see how viewers were disappointed in the movie turning into a series of adventures for their characters' son, Oskar (Horn). Clearly, Oskar is somewhere on the autism spectrum based on how socially awkward he is for the entirety of the film. He does learn to conquer some of his many fears during the film while traveling around the city, looking for an explanation as to what one mysterious key left behind by his father opens. The reason he is so obsessed with this key is because while alive, his father would often take him on adventures involving riddles. The reason his father did this is because not only would it be bonding time for the two but, he had hoped that some of Oskar's social awkwardness would be cured as some of the clues to the riddle would involve him having to talk to strangers. It's a complicated story for a movie that barely passes two hours but, I just thought it was incredibly well done and one of only two movies (Fruitvale Station being the other) that I legitimately teared up at and I did that throughout this entire film.

Tomato Meter: 48%

#2. The LEGO Movie











Starring: Chris Pratt, Will Ferrell, Elizabeth Banks, Liam Neeson & Morgan Freeman
This is the best type of kid's comedy. The LEGO Movie is fun for the whole family, fast-paced, stacked tall with catchphrases and even has a surprisingly heartfelt twist between father and son at the end. If the soundtrack for much of the film doesn't convince everyone to watch this one, I've lost all hope in the human race. The movie blends together every super hero that has their own well-known movie and every LEGO character ever into one movie about LEGO characters while everything is made in LEGOs. It's LEGOception and it's awesome.

Tomato Meter: 96%

Before I reveal my favorite movie of the 85 I remembered to rank, here are some films that I neglected to rank for whatever reason...
Ask Me Anything
Birdman
Black Snake Moan
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
Fight Club
Foxcatcher
5 Flights Up
Garden State
Hard Candy
Kentucky Fried Movie
Shrek Forever After
Still Alice
Whiplash

I'm also planning on handing out DMV (AKA: Delayed Movie Viewing Awards) Awards (most of them are just rip-off categories from the upcoming Academy Awards) to these films so, I might as well hand out the Best Picture Award right now to the #1 movie that I've watched in the last calendar year...

#1/Best Picture. Her












Starring: Just read the photo above, lazy.
This is as close to a perfect film as I have ever seen (and I've seen Airplane at least 1,000,000 times). It's the best possible blend of rom-com/drama/science-fiction all while seeming totally realistic in the future with the quicker and more human-like trends of technology. Her is also beautifully shot by the same guy (Spike Jonze) who directed The Breeders' "Cannonball" music video in 1993 and so many memorable pop culture events like Kanye West's "Flashing Lights" video, Being John Malkovich and Where The Wild Things Are. Please, see this movie if you have yet to, it's a beautiful masterpiece of cinema and the story is phenomenally written and acted.

Tomato Meter: 94%

Now presenting...
The Delayed Movie Viewing Awards (The DMV Awards)
As I am sure most are aware by now, this Sunday is the 88th Academy Awards Ceremony on ABC at 7:30 PM CT. Chris Rock is hosting and my sources tell me that you will want to tune in as the crowd will be uncomfortable during the monologue and that's pretty much a guarantee with the discussions surrounding this year's ceremony. In honor of these awards conveniently falling one day after I finish this super long post, here are a bunch of awards (some real, some fake) that I will hand out to the films I have seen in the last calendar year and/or discussed above.

Best Cinematography
and the nominees are...
- Birdman
- Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
- The Grand Budapest Hotel
- Gravity
- Whiplash

and the winner is...
Birdman

Best Usage of Music
and the nominees are...
- Fight Club's final scene featuring "Where Is My Mind?" by Pixies
- Garden State's final scenes featuring "Let Go" by Frau Frau
- Her's original "The Moon Song" by Karen O 
- The Judge's usage of "Holocene" by Bon Iver over home videos
- The LEGO Movie's original "Everything Is Awesome" by Tegan & Sara featuring The Lonely Island

and the winner is...
Fight Club - "Where Is My Mind?"

Best Soundtrack
and the nominees are...
- Boyhood
- Dreamgirls
- Garden State
- The Great Gatsby
- The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

and the winner is...
Garden State

Best Child (18 or younger) Actor
and the nominees are...
- Thomas Horn in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
- Liam James in The Way, Way Back
- Ellen Page in Hard Candy
- Keke Palmer in Akeelah and the Bee
- Tony Revolori in The Grand Budapest Hotel

and the winner is...
Ellen Page

Ellen Page is terrifying in the 2005 thriller Hard Candy.


Worst Screen Combo
and the nominees are...
- Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in Blended
- Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day in Horrible Bosses 2
- Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson in Lost In Translation
- Danny DeVito and Bette Midler in Ruthless People
- The entire cast of 247°F 

and the loser is...
The entire cast of 247°F

Most Shocking Moment (SPOILERS BELOW)
and the nominees are...
- Ask Me Anything (most of what the narrator told us was a lie & she goes missing)
- Fight Club (Brad Pitt's not even fucking real)
- Gone Girl (Rosamund Pike is still alive & she straight up murders Neil Patrick Harris)
- The World's End (The gang's college town is inhabited by robot-alien-things)
- The Usual Suspects (Keyser Soze)

and the winner is...
Gone Girl

Best Supporting Actress
and the nominees are...
- Patricia Arquette in Boyhood
- Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls
- Natalie Portman in Garden State
- Emma Stone in Birdman
- Meryl Streep in Marvin's Room

and the winner is...
Patricia Arquette

Best Supporting Actor
and the nominees are...
- Ethan Hawke in Boyhood
- Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club
- Sam Rockwell in The Way, Way Back
- J.K. Simmons in Whiplash
- Max von Sydow in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

and the winner is...
J.K. Simmons

Worst Supporting Actress
and the nominees are...
- Jennifer Aniston in Horrible Bosses 2
- Cameron Diaz in The Other Woman
- Nicollette Sheridan in Spy Hard
- Tiffani-Amber Thiessen in Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The Thirteenth
- Kate Upton in The Other Woman

and the loser is...
Nicollette Sheridan

Worst Supporting Actor
and the nominees are...
- Terry Crews in Blended
- Zach Galifianakis in Are You Here
- Paul Rudd in Admission
- Harry Shearer in For Your Consideration
- Travis Van Winkle in 247°F

and the loser is...
Travis Van Winkle

Best Actor
and the nominees are...
- Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
- Michael B. Jordan in Fruitvale Station
- Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club
- Edward Norton in Fight Club
- Joaquin Phoenix in Her

and the winner is...
Michael B. Jordan

Worst Actor
and the nominees are...
- Zac Efron in That Awkward Moment
- Jake Johnson in Let's Be Cops
- Bill Murray in Lost In Translation
- Adam Sandler in Blended
- Owen Wilson in Are You Here

and the loser is...
Adam Sandler

Best Actress
and the nominees are...
- Sandra Bullock in Gravity
- Dame Judi Dench in Philomena
- Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Enough Said
- Julianne Moore in Still Alice
- Rosamund Pike in Gone Girl

and the winner is...
Rosamund Pike

Thank god that's over with. Now, enjoy the never-ending award season and please, do yourself a favor and watch some of these movies on this list. I was surprised with how little of it I disliked.