Wisconsin Rapids Bro League
Our ninth official season of blaming Cole Walters for the Jets not stashing Joe Flacco while they had the chance.
Bro...
Greetings WRBLers, as you may all already be aware WRBLers wobble but they don't fall down. This theory was very well tested today as I strained my back carrying my team at work. Now, I know how Sammy Sosa felt that time he sneezed and went on the DL (back before it was renamed the IL) for the Chicago Cubs. If I were still making YouTube parodies of well-known songs, I'd spoof Logic's suicide hotline song with instances of small injuries followed by the chorus refrain of "WHO CAN RELATE? OW!". With that said, I'm not jacked up on pain pills or anything, just raw-dogging my youth away one heating pad and ice pack at a time. The Bro League playoff race might just be too much for fragile mind, body and soul to handle right now as Lord Pretty Flacco Joey shockingly maintains first place in the Shooter McGavin Division (I guess?) because I somehow am 6-0 in inter-divisional games and 1-6 against the Steven Nett Division. If the Bro League had a playoff committee, I'd be on the outside looking in.
Going into our final weekend of the regular season, the final two playoff spots are between Andy's Lord Pretty Flacco Joey, Nick's I Had COVID-19 and Sparky's Dad Weights and Protein Shakes. The oddsmakers are still trying to make the Jaime Sparkes redemption tour a thing despite his sudden decline, dropping two in a row. If he's going to get in, he needs both a win over the best team in the league right now, Hoefs' LIVE.LAUGH.OLAVE. and a loss by either of the two 7-6 teams playing against the two 4-9 teams. Considering the only team to score fewer points than Jaime's team is Brett's, I'd say things are bleak for any last-second shakeups.
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Brad Rempel - USA TODAY Sports
The return from IR for WR Justin Jefferson could be perfect timing for a desperate Jaime Sparkes. |
Going back to the idea of instituting a playoff committee... Boy, Florida State sure got boned, didn't they? I guess that's why they're going to twelve teams next season and then we'll wonder why 2024's Liberty was left out instead. Imagine if they did a playoff committee for the NFL. Who would be on it? Former coaches? (Jeff Fisher? Gary Kubiak? Mike Holmgren?), players? (Barry Sanders? Dan Marino? Ladanian Tomlinson?), is Roger Goodell on the committee? Rich Eisen? I'm really digging this hypothetical. Let's take it a step further and figure out the 14-team playoff field with no conferences and just a committee-based ranking...
#1. San Francisco 49ers: Duh. 42 on Philly is obnoxiously impressive.
#2. Dallas Cowboys: Since Brandin Cooks remembered how to play, Dak has been unstoppable and their defense is the flashiest in the league.
#3. Baltimore Ravens: I often forget just how good they are and the bye week last week did not help.
#4. Philadelphia Eagles: Could easily mix #s 2 through 4 in any order, there's room for leeway in the debates with five weeks remaining.
#5. Miami Dolphins: Now's the time where the committee would point out a team's strength of schedule like the Bills and Broncos won't end up in the actual wildcard at the end of the season.
#6. Detroit Lions: I don't think any team beyond #5 can actually win the Super Bowl but I'm the idiot that doesn't know to not twist one's body at a 180-degree angle while picking up an object. The Lions are good but the Lion'ing has begun.
#7. Green Bay Packers: Recency bias is a hell of a drug.
#8. Kansas City Chiefs: Oh my god, somebody get open.
#9. Buffalo Bills: If the committee were anything like the CFB committee, clearly they'd decide nothing like defense or anything resembling a team's peak years matters as long as the quarterback is good.
#10. Los Angeles Rams: Aaron Donald is sneakily still the best D-lineman alive and they don't need Cooper Kupp to do everything anymore and right on time apparently!
#11. Cleveland Browns: I still believe this is the best defense in the league at the moment and no amount of Quarterbacks we thought were retired will change my mind on this.
#12. Jacksonville Jaguars: Allowing 30+ completions to Jake Browning seemed to say less about Browning and more about this defense PLUS Trevor Lawrence is now on the mend AND Christian Kirk is done for the season.
#13. Houston Texans: The feel good story of the 2023 NFL season felt bad once Tank Dell was lost for the season.
#14. Denver Broncos: No, the NFC South doesn't NEED to have a playoff team. This is a bit of recency bias as well. It's also a bit of projecting on Seattle's stacked schedule.
As for the Bro League? well, the only people that I feel would be suited for the committee are the Aschebrooks and Father Todd. Throw that plan in the garbage where it belongs. We'll settle this in the playoffs like real fake football team owners.
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| How it feels, wielding the power to drop a Kyle Pitts at any given moment. |
Official WRBL Standings
Steven Nett Division
LIVE.LAUGH.OLAVE. (Nathaniel Hoefs) 10-3 W2 (1,821.72)
Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 10-3 W2 (1,707.92)
Dad Weights and Protein Shakes (Jaime Sparkes AKA: Sparky) 6-7 L2 (1,490.9)
Stoltzya's Electric Orcas (Gabe Stoltz) 4-9 L3 (1,427)
Shooter McGavin Division
Lord Pretty Flacco Joey (Andy Todd) 7-6 L2 (1,569.94)
I Had COVID-19 (Nick Zurawski) 7-6 W1 (1,765.94)
Tax Paying Homeowner (Alec Swanson) 4-9 L1 (1,687.28)
Jordan Addison's Dog (Brett Weinfurter) 4-9 W2 (1,519.38)
Week Thirteen Final Scores
HOEFS defeats ANDY 165.66-127.32
NICK defeats GABE 131.42-113.08
COLE defeats SPARKY 133.16-113.7
BRETT defeats ALEC 152.86-137.88
Heroes of the Week: WR DK Metcalf (Alec, 37.4), WR Deebo Samuel (Brett, 35.8), WR CeeDee Lamb (Sparky, 32.6)
Waiver Wonders: QB Geno Smith (29.96), WR Christian Watson (27.6), QB Jake Browning (26.66)
Benchwarmers of the Week: WR Nico Collins (Cole, 34.1), RB Derrick Henry (Hoefs, 25), WR Puka Nacua (Nick, 23.9)
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NFL.com
Hero of the Week: WR DK Metcalf (Tax Paying Homeowner) |
Upcoming Week 14 Schedule for both WRBL and NFL (in CST)
NICK v. BRETT
HOEFS v. SPARKY
ANDY v. GABE
ALEC v. COLE
Thursday @ 7:20 PM: New England @ Pittsburgh
Sunday @ NOON: LA Rams @ Baltimore
Detroit @ Chicago
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati
Jacksonville @ Cleveland
Houston @ NY Jets
Carolina @ New Orleans
Sunday @ 3:05 PM: Seattle @ San Francisco
Minnesota @ Las Vegas
Sunday @ 3:25 PM: Buffalo @ Kansas City
Denver @ LA Chargers
Sunday @ 7:20 PM: Philadelphia @ Dallas
Monday @ 7:15 PM: Tennessee @ Miami
Green Bay @ NY Giants
Bye Weeks: Arizona Cardinals and Washington Commanders
Scoring Leaders
QB
Josh Allen 286.76 (Cole)
Jalen Hurts 282.80 (Nick)
Justin Herbert 232.38 (Alec)
Patrick Mahomes 222.22 (Sparky)
Lamar Jackson 222.12 (Brett)
Trevor Lawrence 154.72 (Andy)
Kirk Cousins 104.72 (Gabe)
Dak Prescott 103.22 (Hoefs)
Justin Fields 95.08 (Hoefs)
Joe Burrow 69.5 (Gabe)
C.J. Stroud 61.44 (Alec/Hoefs)
Sam Howell 60.66 (Nick/Gabe)
Brock Purdy 42.24 (Andy/Cole)
Kyler Murray 21.66 (Andy)
Baker Mayfield 18.32 (Sparky)
Geno Smith 16.44 (Hoefs/Andy)
Russell Wilson 15.84 (Brett)
RB
Christian McCaffrey 295.1 (Alec)
Travis Etienne 191.8 (Cole)
Joe Mixon 178 (Nick)
Josh Jacobs 174.1 (Brett)
Bijan Robinson 169.2 (Andy)
Alvin Kamara 166.7 (Hoefs)
Isiah Pacheco 164.4 (Gabe)
Tony Pollard 155.7 (Cole)
Rachaad White 149.1 (Andy)
Saquon Barkley 142.5 (Gabe)
Jahmyr Gibbs 134.2 (Sparky)
Austin Ekeler 129.1 (Gabe)
Breece Hall 110.9 (Andy)
Kenneth Walker 108.5 (Cole)
Rhamondre Stevenson 103.6 (Brett)
Raheem Mostert 97.1 (Hoefs)
Jonathan Taylor 89.6 (Nick)
Kyren Williams 85.9 (Alec)
D'Andre Swift 81.7 (Alec)
Aaron Jones 76.4 (Sparky)
Derrick Henry 76.38 (Hoefs)
David Montgomery 70.6 (Brett)
Alexander Mattison 68.3 (Nick)
D'Onta Foreman 63.1 (Brett)
James Cook 59.8 (Hoefs)
De'Von Achane 48.3 (Nick)
James Conner 47.4 (Gabe)
Jaylen Warren 36.4 (Gabe)
Zack Moss 35.4 (Sparky/Hoefs)
A.J. Dillon 31.4 (Sparky)
Najee Harris 29.2 (Alec)
Javonte Williams 28.8 (Cole)
Jerome Ford 26.9 (Andy)
Zach Charbonnet 26.7 (Cole)
Miles Sanders 23.4 (Nick)
Nick Chubb 23.1 (Nick)
Devin Singletary 19.8 (Nick)
Gus Edwards 17.2 (Alec)
Chuba Hubbard 10.7 (Cole)
Dameon Pierce 6.7 (Hoefs)
Dalvin Cook 4.7 (Sparky)
WR
Tyreek Hill 302.6 (Hoefs)
Keenan Allen 266.06 (Nick)
CeeDee Lamb 264.6 (Sparky)
A.J. Brown 239.4 (Hoefs)
Stefon Diggs 227.9 (Cole)
Amon-Ra St. Brown 223.5 (Andy)
Mike Evans 215.2 (Andy)
DeVonta Smith 183.4 (Gabe)
Ja'Marr Chase 176.72 (Brett)
DeAndre Hopkins 158.3 (Sparky)
Michael Pittman Jr. 157.5 (Brett)
Jaylen Waddle 150.3 (Cole)
DK Metcalf 137.6 (Alec)
Davante Adams 126.3 (Alec)
Brandon Aiyuk 118.3 (Alec)
Deebo Samuel 117 (Brett)
Chris Olave 113.8 (Hoefs)
Justin Jefferson 109.1 (Sparky)
Puka Nacua 107.1 (Nick)
Cooper Kupp 90.2 (Nick)
Calvin Ridley 89.6 (Andy)
Chris Godwin 83.2 (Gabe)
Adam Thielen 78.4 (Hoefs)
Terry McLaurin 70.1 (Alec)
Tyler Lockett 67.8 (Nick)
Zay Flowers 62.3 (Gabe)
D.J. Moore 51.9 (Alec)
Garrett Wilson 49 (Brett)
Christian Kirk 37 (Cole)
Jaxon Smith-Njigba 34.4 (Sparky)
Amari Cooper 33.9 (Gabe)
K.J. Osborn 31.3 (Brett)
Marquise Brown 27.2 (Andy)
Tee Higgins 23.1 (Cole/Andy)
Jordan Addison 18.4 (Andy)
Christian Watson 16.7 (Sparky)
Courtland Sutton 15.7 (Cole)
Diontae Johnson 13.3 (Sparky)
Nico Collins 6.9 (Cole)
Kadarius Toney 2.3 (Sparky)
TE
T.J. Hockenson 186.6 (Alec)
Travis Kelce 183.3 (Nick)
Sam LaPorta 144.1 (Cole)
Mark Andrews 135.4 (Andy)
Evan Engram 125.5 (Hoefs)
George Kittle 109.2 (Sparky)
Dallas Goedert 91 (Gabe)
David Njoku 80.4 (Brett)
Dalton Kincaid 69.1 (Sparky)
Darren Waller 50.1 (Brett)
Dalton Schultz 49.3 (Hoefs)
Cole Kmet 25.9 (Gabe)
Jake Ferguson 22.1 (Cole)
Trey McBride 21.1 (Nick)
Kyle Pitts 19.7 (Andy)
Taysom Hill 15.4 (Alec)
Pat Freiermuth 13.2 (Cole/Gabe)
Tyler Higbee 7.9 (Nick)
Luke Musgrave 4.5 (Cole)
Zach Ertz 4.2 (Cole)
K
Jake Elliott 110 (Hoefs)
Justin Tucker 103 (Sparky)
Tyler Bass 95 (Cole)
Harrison Butker 84 (Alec)
Daniel Carlson 83 (Gabe)
Younghoe Koo 77 (Andy)
Evan McPherson 74 (Nick/Alec)
Riley Patterson 66 (Brett)
Jason Myers 65 (Nick)
Brandon Aubrey 22 (Hoefs/Gabe)
Matt Gay 16 (Brett)
Jake Moody 11 (Andy)
Greg Zuerlein 11 (Brett)
Brandon McManus 7 (Alec)
Cameron Dicker 6 (Sparky)
Wil Lutz 5 (Cole)
Matt Ammendola 2 (Andy)
DF
Dallas Cowboys 128 (Nick)
Buffalo Bills 101 (Brett)
Pittsburgh Steelers 101 (Hoefs)
Miami Dolphins 79 (Alec)
San Francisco 49ers 78 (Sparky)
New York Jets 67 (Gabe)
Philadelphia Eagles 44 (Andy)
Denver Broncos 40 (Cole)
Las Vegas Raiders 40 (Gabe)
Atlanta Falcons 28 (Nick/Brett)
Baltimore Ravens 25 (Hoefs/Cole)
Cleveland Browns 24 (Cole/Andy)
Los Angeles Chargers 24 (Alec)
Minnesota Vikings 20 (Cole)
New England Patriots 20 (Cole/Sparky)
Jacksonville Jaguars 19 (Cole)
Washington Commanders 15 (Nick/Gabe)
Seattle Seahawks 16 (Andy)
New Orleans Saints 14 (Andy)
Chicago Bears 6 (Alec)
Detroit Lions 6 (Cole)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6 (Cole)
Kansas City Chiefs 4 (Andy)
Green Bay Packers 1 (Alec)
Hypothetical Standings (Top 4 scorers win, bottom 4 lose, no divisions)
Live.Laugh.Olave. 10-3
Colieveland 96ers 10-3
I Had COVID-19 9-4
Tax Paying Homeowner 9-4
Lord Pretty Flacco Joey 4-9
Jordan Addison's Dog 4-9
Dad Weights And Protein Shakes 4-9
Stoltzya's Electric Orcas 2-11
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