Wisconsin Rapids Bro League
Our ninth official season of blaming Cole Walters for Christmas simultaneously being the last day of our fantasy football season.
Bro...
What does an ideal loss in fantasy football look like? Well... For starters, there aren't any Thursday, Friday or Saturday night games. Now, I'm open to the idea of a Saturday night game when it's up against say... the Gronk Bowl or whatever one of the less-heralded 40+ bowl games is on that evening but still, give me 15 Sunday games (8 at Noon, 6 late-afternooners, SNF) and Monday Night Football and I can't imagine anybody being mad at that. As for one's fantasy team taking an L? Hopefully, everybody in the lineup drops at least 10 points... save the kicker and defense, of which 5-7 points are a respectable amount. Total it up and the team finishes with 80-84 points, a truly horrible showing as a team but at least everybody played up to a standard that the team owner can just sort of shrug their shoulders and say "Well, sometimes it's just not your year". This semifinals weekend, we found out that not only was it not my year but hold on a second... it wasn't Nathaniel's year either? Wtf happened? More on that later. For now, I must sulk as my somehow hypothetically 5-10 team put up triple digits in the least satisfying manner possible as I finally caught some bad luck with my bench going ballistic and by riding Rachaad White, Amon'Ra St. Brown and waiver wonder Isaiah Likely to a decent enough total that they contributed 60.7% toward the final team scoring for Lord Pretty Flacco Joey. It's not like my team's odds were all that high coming into Sunday however as Hero of the Week TE Sam LaPorta grabbed three touchdowns on SATURDAY of all nights en route to a Rookie of the Year battle that might just have been settled when he showed up and my RB Bijan Robinson decidedly did not show up versus the 2-12 Carolina Panthers. LaPorta's final touchdown occurred while I was at work, on a 4th-and-2, with the Lions up 35-17 and my boss laughed at me. Fun fact: LaPorta is italian for "Fuck you, Andy Todd". Josh Allen and Stefon Diggs were relatively pedestrian in their week 15 showings and the results of Cole and mine's pre-draft trade were muted in our postseason match. The 96ers advance to rehash Mr. Walters' championship aspirations as a potential repeat trophy-holder and I go back to the lab, nabbing names for the 2024 draft off of waivers and typing rough drafts of my biography on the 2015 title run that I can still reflect on because no one told me life was gonna be this way.
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| The 96ers are staring down a possible repeat, much like the 2012-13 Heat. I am still Mo Williams. Some things never change. Brett's no-show Sacko lineup is Randy Moss on the Titans. |
In the other winner's bracket semifinal, the #4 seed Nick Zurawski got into the playoffs by the skin of his teeth and now also has championship aspirations because for just the second time all season, Hoefs had under 100 points (the previous occurrence being week 11, when his team amassed a measly 99.04 in a loss to Alec). LIVE.LAUGH.OLAVE. was a curiosity coming into the postseason as surely WR1 Tyreek Hill was not the lone driving force behind Nate's dominant run up to this point but alas, his first missed game all season coincided with a total no-show from the rest of the squad and the WRBL #1 seed only outscored Gabe, the lowest scoring team in the league by far this season and postseason apparently. The craziest part of all these no-shows is that Brett, a Sacko Bowl participant who let his lineup go this week with a Thursday inactive (RB Josh Jacobs) and a Saturday inactive (K Riley Patterson), amassed 105.24 points topping both Gabe (expected) and Nathaniel (*spit take*). I know my team has put a damper on my beliefs in the structure of fantasy football playoffs, I can only imagine where Hoefs's head is at after seeing RB James Cook go OFF as the high-scoring Benchwarmer of the Week. These random player's productivity drop-offs got me a bit innovative so here's my official presentation of The Week 15 All No-Show Team. (perhaps the beginning of a tradition unlike any other)
The Week 15 All No-Show Team
QB - Dak Prescott (6.06 for the NFL's QB3 in fantasy) Hoefs
RB - Bijan Robinson (0.4 for WRBL RB4 coming into the week) Andy
RB - Derrick Henry (5 pts. is actually rich for somebody that had 10 yards on 20 touches) Hoefs
WR - Stefon Diggs (8.8 for WRBL WR5 coming into week) Cole
WR - Zay Flowers (1.7, likely lost any chance at WRBL Rookie of the Year) Gabe
FLEX - RB Breece Hall (2.8 in Andy's FLEX spot over Benchwarmer of the Week WR Jordan Addison)
TE - Evan Engram (6.8 for NFL's #2 TE in receptions) Hoefs
K - Brandon McManus (The rare "worse than nothing" -1 with 1/1 XP and 0/2 FG showing) Alec
DF - Pittsburgh Steelers (4, DF2 in WRBL headed into week 15) Hoefs
That completely reasonable lineup would have put up 33.56 (!!!) points in the semifinals of most fantasy league's semifinal round and that's not even including the muted showings of K Younghoe Koo (1), WR A.J. Brown (10.6), RB Austin Ekeler (7.8), RB Saquon Barkley (5.7) , WR DeAndre Hopkins (4.7) or TE Travis Kelce (7.8), who were all ALSO in Bro League lineups this week. Something was in the water and for whatever reason it did not seem to affect the teams starting backup quarterbacks.
This has been a season with a shockingly low amount of permanently IR'ed skill position players and marred by the injured quarterback and yet, Easton Stick put up garbage time numbers even Blake Bortles would have been impressed by during Brandon Staley's last stand on Thursday night, Jake Browning might just put the Bengals in the playoffs after all and Drew Lock rallied the Seahawks to a last-minute upset victory of the NFC's current #1-seeded Philadelphia Eagles. Monday Night Football's results had me pondering... in an ideal world, who are the 32 starting NFL quarterbacks right now?
The obvious (no particular order)
1. Josh Allen
2. Tua Tagovailoa
3. Lamar Jackson
4. Joe Burrow
5. Trevor Lawrence
6. C.J. Stroud
7. Patrick Mahomes
8. Justin Herbert
9. Russell Wilson
10. Jalen Hurts
11. Dak Prescott
12. Jordan Love
13. Kirk Cousins
14. Jared Goff
15. Brock Purdy
16. Kyler Murray
17. Matthew Stafford
The Less-obvious, "Yeah, sure" types
18. Aaron Rodgers?
19. Gardner Minshew
20. Anthony Richardson
21. Sam Howell
22. Jacoby Brissett
23. Justin Fields
24. Baker Mayfield
25. Derek Carr
26. Geno Smith
27. Drew Lock
28. Deshaun Watson
The HOT TAKE "Put them in the right system and maybe you'll have something" types
29. Jake Browning
30. Joe Flacco (apparently?)
31. Andy Dalton
32. Trey Lance
That'd leave the unheralded "potentials" of Zach Wilson, both New England QBs, Kenny Pickett, Tyler Huntley, both Titan QBs, both Raider QBs, Easton Stick, all Giant QBs, Nick Mullens, Jameis Winston and Bryce Young all in backup positions where they likely (AT THIS MOMENT) belong. Unfortunately for the non-linear development of all of these backups, they've been forced into shaky playing time by poor management, poor coaching or just sheer injury-prone bad luck. I need Cole to start Brock Purdy over Josh Allen so that it doesn't look like Jake Browning outscored the possible NFL MVP in our dumb league.
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time? Well too bad Paul McCartney! It's going to be a dour Christmas weekend for four of us fantasy football owners as the Championship weekend coincides with ten Christmas Eve games and a ridiculous CHRISTMAS DAY MONDAY TRIPLE-HEADER concluding with the most heavily fantasy-relevant game of the weekend and a potential Super Bowl preview of the Baltimore Ravens at the San Francisco 49ers. Let's make a deal now that if those two do in fact meet each other in the Las Vegas that we all recreate their Super Bowl from eleven years ago by sharing a meal at the Buffalo Wild Wings in Stevens Point again. I still have the Ed Reed and Joe Montana jerseys to front-run with the winners at any given moment and besides, there may need to be a transfer of the Bro League trophy!
In a battle between 2021 champion Nick Zurawski and 2022 champion Cole Walters, only one can take the heralded Shelby trophy home after Christmas weekend and all of the injuries and 49ers domination has led to this... zero noteworthy 49ers in the championship (sorry Jake Moody!) and the same old 96ers as last season give or take a few pieces. It's time to preview the ninth official Wisconsin Rapids Bro League Championship...
Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 11-4
QB - Josh Allen (WRBL QB1 playing versus a Charger defense that just gave up 63 to the Raiders)
RB - Travis Etienne (WRBL RB2, looking to bounce back above double-digits at Tampa)
RB - Tony Pollard (WRBL RB8, only one 100-yd rushing game all year)
WR - Stefon Diggs (WRBL WR6, has hit a cold spell but the odds are in his favor Saturday night at the Chargers)
WR - Courtland Sutton (High floor but also seemingly touchdown dependent which is not a bad thing when he's scored ten touchdowns this year)
TE - Sam LaPorta (WRBL TE3, Absolutely no way he repeats his heroic semifinal performance... right?)
FLEX - WR Jaylen Waddle (WRBL WR10, value may fluctuate as his most heroic performance came this weekend without Tyreek Hill drawing coverage)
K - Jake Moody (may end up being the tiebreaker on Christmas Night)
D/ST - TBD (The Broncos got the start in last season's title game and play New England's 3-11 offense this weekend but, the Bills are also available and Cole is a Bills Mafia supporter)
I Had COVID-19 (Nick Zurawski) 8-7
QB - Jalen Hurts (WRBL QB2, likely won't be sick next week but has not thrown a touchdown in three of his last five games, plays mediocre Giant defense on Christmas)
RB - Joe Mixon (WRBL RB3???, Hasn't had the same juice since he was on Nick's 2021 championship team but re-read that first part again... this motherfucker is THIRD in Running Back scoring??? How?)
RB - De'Von Achane (Rookie whose points per touch were off the charts for a while there, is now just a nice little pass-catching back playing against the big-play prone Dallas defense)
WR - Cooper Kupp (Former league MVP that's seemingly healthy again, plays Thursday against New Orleans' solid pass defense)
WR - Puka Nacua (Strong rookie of the year candidate, will get targets if and when Kupp is ever covered)
TE - Travis Kelce (WRBL TE2, Has to rely on girlfriend for relevancy)
FLEX - WR Keenan Allen (Questionable as of Tuesday's writing of this preview, playing for a hopeless team with a hopeless QB, a new interim coach in his first game and is really only here to maintain his All-Bro caliber play as his status stands presently at WRBL WR3)
K - Jason Myers (One of the safest kickers in fantasy this season, @ Tennessee)
D/ST - Los Angeles Rams? (Open to possible waiver move much like Cole's D/ST debate, Nick has the higher waiver priority. If nothing else, the Saints offense may have just shown their height of their ceiling this week dropping a piddly 24 on the Giants and are on a quick turnaround with only three days of rest between games)
We may not have the flashing lights of Las Vegas to create a flashy atmosphere around our championship weekend but, at least we'll have the holiday lights shining nearby as it's Christmas weekend as well and while I'll try to put up more than I did the last time I faced Hoefs in the final weekend (see: 65.22 in Week 16, 2021 battle for fifth place), I can only give so much this holiday season. If that doesn't spark your interest, there's always Sparkes around when Jaime sets his fantasy lineup and if Alec thinks his team is just going to roll over and accept sixth place, he'd be wrong! Gabe might just want to step away from his phone for a week and let whatever happens happen because his guessing game has been way off and Brett only fielded 77.7% of a lineup last week so, the Sacko might be Jordan Addison's Dog's for the taking even after the Electric Orcas losing their spark this past week 15. Have a safe and wonderful week 16 everybody!
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| Lindsey Wasson/AP *In my best Michael Stipe voice* Even Jalen Hurrrrrts soooometimes. |
Week Fifteen Final Scores
#4 NICK defeats #1 HOEFS 113.02-95.86
#3 COLE defeats #2 ANDY 130.46-105.64
#5 SPARKY defeats #8 GABE 120.9-80.26
#6 ALEC defeats #7 BRETT 143.72-105.24
Heroes of the Week: RB Christian McCaffrey (Alec, 41.7), TE Sam LaPorta (Cole, 28.6), WR Jaylen Waddle (Cole, 28.2)
Waiver Wonders: QB Jared Goff (31.12), QB Baker Mayfield (29.04), QB Aidan O'Connell (25.92)
Benchwarmers of the Week: RB James Cook (Hoefs, 36.1), WR Jordan Addison (Andy, 29.1), WR Terry McLaurin (Alec, 26.1)
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| Rey Del Rio/Getty Images Hero of the Week: TE Sam LaPorta (Colieveland 96ers) |
Upcoming Week 16 Schedule for both WRBL and NFL (in CST)
CHAMPIONSHIP: #3 Cole Walters v. #4 Nick Zurawski
CHAMPIONSHIP: #3 Cole Walters v. #4 Nick Zurawski
Scott Doesn't Care Bowl: #1 Nathaniel Hoefs v. #2 Andy Todd
Tackle For Loss-o Bowl: #5 Jaime Sparkes v. #6 Alec Swanson
SACKO BOWL: #7 Brett Weinfurter v. #8 Gabe Stoltz
Thursday @ 7:15 PM: New Orleans @ LA Rams
SATURDAY GAMES: 3:30 PM - Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
7:00 PM - Buffalo @ LA Chargers
Sunday @ NOON: Detroit @ Minnesota
Seattle @ Tennessee
Indianapolis @ Atlanta
Washington @ NY Jets
Cleveland @ Houston
Green Bay @ Carolina
Sunday @ 3:05 PM: Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay
Sunday @ 3:25 PM: Dallas @ Miami
Arizona @ Chicago
Sunday @ 7:20 PM: New England @ Denver
TRIPLE-HEADER MONDAY CHRISTMAS DAY
NOON: Las Vegas @ Kansas City
3:30 PM: NY Giants @ Philadelphia
7:15 PM: Baltimore @ San Francisco
Scoring Leaders
QB
Josh Allen 323.44 (Cole)
Jalen Hurts 304.72 (Nick)
Lamar Jackson 272.3 (Brett)
Patrick Mahomes 237.92 (Sparky)
Justin Herbert 234.22 (Alec)
Trevor Lawrence 154.72 (Andy)
Justin Fields 129.44 (Hoefs/Andy)
Dak Prescott 127.22 (Hoefs)
Kirk Cousins 104.72 (Gabe)
Joe Burrow 69.5 (Gabe)
C.J. Stroud 61.44 (Alec/Hoefs)
Sam Howell 60.66 (Nick/Gabe)
Jake Browning 42.66 (Gabe)
Brock Purdy 42.24 (Andy/Cole)
Kyler Murray 21.66 (Andy)
Matthew Stafford 18.52 (Alec)
Baker Mayfield 18.32 (Sparky)
Geno Smith 16.44 (Hoefs/Andy)
Russell Wilson 15.84 (Brett)
Jordan Love 8.92 (Sparky)
RB
Christian McCaffrey 353.1 (Alec)
Travis Etienne 218.9 (Cole)
Joe Mixon 214.6 (Nick)
Alvin Kamara 196.2 (Hoefs)
Rachaad White 192.5 (Andy)
Bijan Robinson 189.4 (Andy)
Josh Jacobs 181.1 (Brett)
Tony Pollard 180 (Cole)
Jahmyr Gibbs 176.2 (Sparky)
Saquon Barkley 171.3 (Gabe)
Isiah Pacheco 164.4 (Gabe)
Austin Ekeler 157.9 (Gabe)
Breece Hall 140.3 (Andy)
Kyren Williams 124.7 (Alec)
Raheem Mostert 115.4 (Hoefs)
Kenneth Walker 108.5 (Cole)
Rhamondre Stevenson 103.6 (Brett)
David Montgomery 92.3 (Brett)
Jonathan Taylor 89.6 (Nick)
Aaron Jones 87.3 (Sparky)
James Cook 84.9 (Hoefs)
D'Andre Swift 81.7 (Alec)
Derrick Henry 81.38 (Hoefs)
De'Von Achane 69.6 (Nick)
Alexander Mattison 68.3 (Nick)
D'Onta Foreman 63.1 (Brett)
James Conner 47.4 (Gabe)
Javonte Williams 46.9 (Cole)
Zack Moss 45 (Sparky/Hoefs)
A.J. Dillon 41.2 (Sparky)
Jaylen Warren 36.4 (Gabe)
Najee Harris 29.2 (Alec)
Jerome Ford 26.9 (Andy)
Zach Charbonnet 26.7 (Cole)
Miles Sanders 23.4 (Nick)
Nick Chubb 23.1 (Nick)
Devin Singletary 19.8 (Nick)
Gus Edwards 17.2 (Alec)
Chuba Hubbard 10.7 (Cole)
Ezekiel Elliott 9.6 (Nick)
Dameon Pierce 6.7 (Hoefs)
Dalvin Cook 4.7 (Sparky)
WR
Tyreek Hill 312.7 (Hoefs)
CeeDee Lamb 302.3 (Sparky)
Keenan Allen 278.86 (Nick)
A.J. Brown 266.4 (Hoefs)
Amon-Ra St. Brown 252.8 (Andy)
Stefon Diggs 243.1 (Cole)
Mike Evans 232.7 (Andy)
DeVonta Smith 203.7 (Gabe)
Ja'Marr Chase 193.02 (Brett)
Jaylen Waddle 192.4 (Cole)
Michael Pittman Jr. 188.8 (Brett)
DeAndre Hopkins 187.8 (Sparky)
Deebo Samuel 172.9 (Brett)
DK Metcalf 163.6 (Alec)
Brandon Aiyuk 141.6 (Alec)
Puka Nacua 131.4 (Nick)
Justin Jefferson 129.2 (Sparky)
Davante Adams 126.3 (Alec)
Chris Godwin 119 (Gabe)
Cooper Kupp 115.3 (Nick)
Chris Olave 113.8 (Hoefs)
Calvin Ridley 89.6 (Andy)
D.J. Moore 87.9 (Alec)
Zay Flowers 84 (Gabe)
Tyler Lockett 82.7 (Nick)
Adam Thielen 78.4 (Hoefs)
Terry McLaurin 70.1 (Alec)
Garrett Wilson 49 (Brett)
Christian Kirk 37 (Cole)
Jaxon Smith-Njigba 34.4 (Sparky)
Amari Cooper 33.9 (Gabe)
K.J. Osborn 31.3 (Brett)
Courtland Sutton 27.8 (Cole)
Marquise Brown 27.2 (Andy)
Rashee Rice 24.1 (Hoefs)
Tee Higgins 23.1 (Cole/Andy)
Jordan Addison 18.4 (Andy)
Christian Watson 16.7 (Sparky)
Diontae Johnson 13.3 (Sparky)
Nico Collins 6.9 (Cole)
Kadarius Toney 2.3 (Sparky)
TE
T.J. Hockenson 209.2 (Alec)
Travis Kelce 205.4 (Nick)
Sam LaPorta 177.4 (Cole)
Mark Andrews 135.4 (Andy)
David Njoku 133.9 (Brett)
Evan Engram 132.3 (Hoefs)
George Kittle 116.6 (Sparky)
Dallas Goedert 91 (Gabe)
Dalton Kincaid 76.2 (Sparky)
Darren Waller 50.1 (Brett)
Dalton Schultz 49.3 (Hoefs)
Isaiah Likely 37.3 (Andy)
Jake Ferguson 34.3 (Cole/Hoefs)
Cole Kmet 25.9 (Gabe)
Pat Freiermuth 24.6 (Cole/Gabe)
Trey McBride 21.1 (Nick)
Kyle Pitts 19.7 (Andy)
Taysom Hill 15.4 (Alec)
Tyler Higbee 7.9 (Nick)
Luke Musgrave 4.5 (Cole)
Zach Ertz 4.2 (Cole)
K
Justin Tucker 127 (Sparky)
Jake Elliott 125 (Hoefs)
Tyler Bass 95 (Cole)
Harrison Butker 84 (Alec)
Daniel Carlson 83 (Gabe)
Younghoe Koo 81 (Andy)
Jason Myers 79 (Nick)
Evan McPherson 74 (Nick/Alec)
Riley Patterson 67 (Brett)
Brandon Aubrey 48 (Hoefs/Gabe)
Matt Gay 16 (Brett)
Jake Moody 15 (Andy/Cole)
Greg Zuerlein 11 (Brett)
Brandon McManus 9 (Alec)
Anders Carlson 8 (Cole)
Cameron Dicker 6 (Sparky)
Wil Lutz 5 (Cole)
Matt Ammendola 2 (Andy)
DF
Dallas Cowboys 138 (Nick)
Miami Dolphins 110 (Alec)
Pittsburgh Steelers 109 (Hoefs)
Buffalo Bills 101 (Brett)
San Francisco 49ers 99 (Sparky)
New York Jets 78 (Gabe)
Cleveland Browns 48 (Cole/Andy)
Philadelphia Eagles 44 (Andy)
Denver Broncos 40 (Cole)
Las Vegas Raiders 40 (Gabe)
Atlanta Falcons 35 (Nick/Brett)
Baltimore Ravens 25 (Hoefs/Cole)
New Orleans Saints 25 (Andy/Cole)
Los Angeles Chargers 24 (Alec)
Minnesota Vikings 20 (Cole)
New England Patriots 20 (Cole/Sparky)
Jacksonville Jaguars 19 (Cole)
Seattle Seahawks 16 (Andy)
Washington Commanders 15 (Nick/Gabe)
Chicago Bears 6 (Alec)
Detroit Lions 6 (Cole)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6 (Cole)
Green Bay Packers 5 (Alec/Cole)
Los Angeles Rams 5 (Nick)
Kansas City Chiefs 4 (Andy)
Hypothetical Standings (Top 4 scorers win, bottom 4 lose, no divisions)
Live.Laugh.Olave. 11-4
Colieveland 96ers 11-4
I Had COVID-19 10-5
Tax Paying Homeowner 10-5
Lord Pretty Flacco Joey 5-10
Jordan Addison's Dog 5-10
Dad Weights And Protein Shakes 5-10
Stoltzya's Electric Orcas 3-12
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