As The WRBL Turns, S04E07

Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 7
Our 4th semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for Gordon Hayward's ankle injury.

.Current Standings (with regular season won-loss streaks)
The Engine That Could (Andy Todd) 6-1 W1
Scott Bless Scott Damn (Scott Aschebrook) 5-2 W2
Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty) 4-3 W1
Kissin' TDs (Alec Swanson) 4-3 W4
Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 3-3-1 L1
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 3-4 L1
Tremendous Big League (Nick Zurawski) 2-4-1 L1
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 0-7 L7

Week Seven Final Scores
SWANSON  138 ZURAWSKI  116
DOUGHERTY  124 WALTERS  104
ASCHEBROOK JR.  124 SNEEN  102
TODD  110 ASCHEBROOK SR.  84

Heroes of the Week: RB Ezekiel Elliott (Aschebrook Jr.), QB Dak Prescott (Todd), RB LeSean McCoy (Dougherty)

Hero of the Week: RB Ezekiel Elliott (Scott Bless Scott Damn)

Upcoming Week 8 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

Andy v. Scott
Cole v. Alec
Tyler v. Ryan
Nick v. Darrin

Thursday: Miami @ Baltimore 7:25 PM
Sunday Morning London Shitshow: Minnesota vs. Cleveland 8:30 AM
Sunday: Oakland @ Buffalo NOON

Indianapolis @ Cincinnati NOON
LA Chargers @ New England NOON
Chicago @ New Orleans NOON
Atlanta @ NY Jets NOON
San Francisco @ Philadelphia NOON
Carolina @ Tampa Bay NOON
Houston @ Seattle 3:05 PM
Dallas @ Washington 3:25 PM
Pittsburgh @ Detroit 7:30 PM

Monday: Denver @ Kansas City 7:30 PM
BYE WEEKS: LA Rams, Arizona, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Green Bay, NY Giants

Bro...

The leaves are falling and the sky is gray. For some, these conditions evoke dreams of California. For me, it has uncovered a deep frustration that I work with zero non-annoying sports fans (it's not you, it's me and my unreasonable expectations of my acquaintances). While this football season gets more and more unpredictable, the NBA season has lived up to the hype one week in and this Astros-Dodgers World Series is kicking ass so far. I have only barely discussed football  (and zero pop culture/tv shows/music) with those around me. Granted, there is not much to say other than "Joel Embiid is the best", "The Browns are screwing everything up" and "I can't wait for Yu Darvish versus Lance McCullers" but, no one would know what I'm talking about and it's fucking torture. Never has the song "Lonely" by Akon seemed more seriously depressing than it actually is (in reality, it's a somewhat amusing listen) to me right now. 

A week following the first tie in WRBL History, both teams that were involved in the most even trade involving topless photos in fantasy football history lost, sending their playoff odds below 50% (don't fact check this, Nick). The beneficiary of Nick's loss this week, Alec, has now quietly won four weeks in a row. The main push behind the sudden Swanson uprising is Le'Veon Bell carrying the ball thirty times on a weekly basis. Nick's fall can be highlighted by Jay Ajayi underperforming, making it even more strange that the Dolphins are 4-2. Ryan finally re-gathered himself after a three-week losing streak, thanks to LeSean McCoy's first two touchdowns of the 2017 season. The Dougherty win puts Cole at the extremely rare .500 record through seven weeks. Scott hung on to second place in our first division-less season with Alex Smith continuing his MVP campaign and Ezekiel Elliott plowing his way through a 40-point game before his suspension inevitably kicks in (eventually... right?). In our final matchup of the week, controversy was narrowly avoided as the #1 team in the league standings took down a now 0-7 Team ChowHounds. The only potential for "controversy" was a lineup change that went unnoticed on the league website but, was witnessed in person or over the phone between three of the eight league owners. The inactive Leonard Fournette was benched for check-down magnet Chris Thompson sometime ALLEGEDLY prior to the noon games. The only problem was that this was only officially announced to the rest of the league around 3 PM Sunday (Fournette's game was almost over). In the future, we should try to settle lineup conundrums such as this before Noon or whenever the players involved begin playing.

(AP Photo/Matt Rourke)
A 16-point showing by Chris Thompson was not enough to overcome Darrin's 42-point deficit.

The NFL still makes little sense but, the one game this Sunday that confirmed everything we thought we knew about two separate teams was the Patriots-Falcons Super Bowl 51 rematch. The Falcons choked up on national television and cost themselves some ground in the NFC South race while New England dominated on both sides of the ball despite an awful start to the season for their defense. Dan Quinn is lucky that the Northeastern fog made it difficult for fans to see just how poorly the Falcons have regressed in the post-Kyle Shanahan landscape. Look on the bright side, Julio Jones finally has a touchdown on his second red-zone target of the season! In other news, Mike McCarthy is petrified of letting Brett Hundley try anything fun, the Wentz Wagon is rolling through the league as the Eagles are now the team with the league's best record and kickers had plenty of opportunities this week.

Week 8 sees the return of bad Thursday Night Football (Dolphins @ Ravens) after a nice stretch of watchable short-week contests. This is followed by  another embarrassment in London on Sunday morning between DeShone Kizer/Cody Kessler/Kevin Hogan and Case Keenum. Rumor has it that the NFL might be getting pressured to do away with morning Londos (the Morning Londos sound like a disease that involve depression related to early mornings) and possibly cutting down on Thursday games by TV people much brighter than I. I say we have 7 games at noon, 6 at 3, a Sunday Nighter and two Monday Nighters every week there are no byes. Just put a west coast home game at 9:45 PM CT every week and it might be a sliver of the greatness that is #Pac12AfterDark. With SIX teams on bye this week, there are only two (very nice, btw) games at 3:00 so, there's no need for any "oh shit, my lineup says Player A but, I really meant J.D. McKissic" type scenarios. In our Bro League, my Engine That Could plays Scott Bless Scott Damn in a battle that will be taught in middle school history classes centuries from now. Meanwhile, Nick faces Darrin in a match nobody will remember because nobody notices when the Mavericks play the Hawks. Question: If a Dirk falls down in an Atlanta-based basketball arena, does anybody hear him? The other two WRBL matches will be key in determining our future playoff seeding as the entire middle tier faces each other. Happy Halloween to those that celebrate and to those that don't.... Happy Chanukahween or... whatever.

Scoring Leaders

QB

Tom Brady 139 (SNEEN)

Dak Prescott 133 (TODD) 

Russell Wilson 116 (SWANSON)

Aaron Rodgers 103 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

DeShaun Watson 91 (WALTERS)

Drew Brees 90 (DOUGHERTY)

Alex Smith 65 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Matt Ryan 60 (WALTERS)

Ben Roethlisberger 44 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Matthew Stafford 44 (ZURAWSKI)

Derek Carr 39 (ZURAWSKI)

Tyrod Taylor 31 (ZURAWSKI)

Carson Wentz 27 (DOUGHERTY)

Marcus Mariota 18 (DOUGHERTY)

Jameis Winston 18 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Philip Rivers 14 (TODD)
Mitchell Trubisky 9 (SWANSON)
Cam Newton 7 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

RB

Kareem Hunt 153 (TODD)

Le'Veon Bell 140 (SWANSON)

Leonard Fournette 126 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Melvin Gordon 126 (WALTERS)

Ezekiel Elliott 123 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Todd Gurley 122 (DOUGHERTY)

LeSean McCoy 96 (DOUGHERTY)

Devonta Freeman 91 (SNEEN)

Christian McCaffrey 78 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Lamar Miller 67 (WALTERS)

C.J. Anderson 64 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Ty Montgomery 60 (SNEEN)

Jordan Howard 59 (SWANSON)

Mark Ingram 58 (ZURAWSKI)

Jay Ajayi 39 (ZURAWSKI)

DeMarco Murray 36 (ZURAWSKI)

James White 32 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dalvin Cook 27 (DOUGHERTY)

Joe Mixon 27 (TODD)

Carlos Hyde 26 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Alvin Kamara 26 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Frank Gore 22 (TODD)

Javorius Allen 17 (ZURAWSKI)

Chris Thompson 17 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Ameer Abdullah 15 (TODD)

Doug Martin 15 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Tarik Cohen 13 (SWANSON)

Isaiah Crowell 13 (TODD)
David Johnson 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Duke Johnson Jr. 12 (TODD)
Marshawn Lynch 11 (ZURAWSKI)

Tevin Coleman 10 (SNEEN)

LeGarrette Blount 8 (DOUGHERTY)
Chris Ivory 8 (WALTERS)
Jerick McKinnon 8 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Latavius Murray 6 (SNEEN)
Bilal Powell 6 (WALTERS)
Adrian Peterson 4 (ZURAWSKI)

Paul Perkins 3 (TODD)

WR 

Antonio Brown 144 (ZURAWSKI)

DeAndre Hopkins 108 (ZURAWSKI)

A.J. Green 103 (WALTERS)

Mike Evans 100 (DOUGHERTY)

Jordy Nelson 90 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Julio Jones 84 (SNEEN)

Michael Thomas 84 (TODD)

Tyreek Hill 83 (SWANSON)

Stefon Diggs 80 (DOUGHERTY)

Jarvis Landry 77 (WALTERS)

Odell Beckham Jr. 71 (TODD)

Chris Hogan 69 (TODD)

Keenan Allen 67 (DOUGHERTY)

Brandin Cooks 66 (SWANSON)

Demaryius Thomas 64 (SNEEN)

Larry Fitzgerald 63 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Emmanuel Sanders 61 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Davante Adams 58 (WALTERS)

Michael Crabtree 58 (ZURAWSKI)

Doug Baldwin 53 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Dez Bryant 50 (SWANSON)

Golden Tate 48 (DOUGHERTY)

Adam Thielen 47 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Pierre Garcon 43 (SNEEN)

Martavis Bryant 34 (SNEEN)

DeVante Parker 33 (SWANSON)

DeSean Jackson 27 (WALTERS)

Danny Amendola 26 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Amari Cooper 25 (WALTERS)

Terrelle Pryor 22 (SWANSON)

Nelson Agholor 19 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

T.Y. Hilton 8 (TODD)

Eric Decker 7 (SNEEN)
Rishard Matthews 7 (DOUGHERTY)

Randall Cobb 6 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Devin Funchess 6 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Alshon Jeffery 6 (ZURAWSKI)
Sammy Watkins 2 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
John Brown 1 (DOUGHERTY)

Mike Wallace 1 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

TE

Rob Gronkowski 96 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Travis Kelce 95 (TODD)

Zach Ertz 65 (SNEEN)

Jimmy Graham 57 (ZURAWSKI)

Martellus Bennett 37 (WALTERS)

Jason Witten 29 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Hunter Henry 25 (DOUGHERTY)

Kyle Rudolph 25 (SWANSON)

Jack Doyle 22 (DOUGHERTY)

Charles Clay 21 (DOUGHERTY)
Evan Engram 18 (WALTERS)

Jordan Reed 18 (SNEEN)

Vernon Davis 16 (SNEEN)
Austin Seferian-Jenkins 16 (ZURAWSKI)
Delanie Walker 13 (SWANSON)

Cameron Brate 12 (SWANSON)

Greg Olsen 5 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Eric Ebron 2 (WALTERS)

Tyler Eifert 1 (SWANSON)

K

Stephen Gostkowski 71 (SNEEN)

Wil Lutz 62 (DOUGHERTY)

Matt Prater 53 (WALTERS)

Matt Bryant 51 (ASCHEBROOK SR./SWANSON)

Dan Bailey 42 (SWANSON/TODD)

Jake Elliott 33 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Greg Zuerlein 31 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Justin Tucker 30 (ASCHEBROOK JR./DOUGHERTY)

Giorgio Tavecchio 27 (TODD)

Mason Crosby 19 (ZURAWSKI)

Adam Vinatieri 17 (ZURAWSKI)

Ryan Succop 14 (WALTERS)

Robbie Gould 5 (SWANSON)

Chris Boswell 3 (TODD)

DF

Minnesota Vikings 52 (SNEEN)

Denver Broncos 43 (DOUGHERTY)

Seattle Seahawks 42 (SWANSON)

Carolina Panthers 37 (ASCHEBROOK JR.) 

Houston Texans 35 (WALTERS/ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Jacksonville Jaguars 34 (ZURAWSKI)

Kansas City Chiefs 33 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Los Angeles Rams 31 (TODD)

Baltimore Ravens 28 (WALTERS/DOUGHERTY)

Pittsburgh Steelers 25 (TODD/WALTERS)

Buffalo Bills 14 (ZURAWSKI/TODD)

Arizona Cardinals 11 (ZURAWSKI)

Cincinnati Bengals 9 (WALTERS)

Philadelphia Eagles 9 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

New England Patriots 8 (TODD)

Washington 5 (WALTERS)

Atlanta Falcons 4 (SWANSON)

Miami Dolphins 4 (ZURAWSKI)

San Francisco 49ers 3 (ZURAWSKI)

Detroit Lions 2 (SWANSON)

Hypothetical Standings

Team Easy Breesy 6-1

The Engine That Could 5-2

Scott Bless Scott Damn 4-3

Tremendous Big League 4-3

Colieveland 96ers 3-4

SNEEN MACHINE 2-5

Kissin' TDs 2-5Team ChowHounds 2-5