Week 5
Our 4th semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for the death of journalism.
.Current Standings (with regular season won-loss streaks)
The Engine That Could (Andy Todd) 5-0 W5
Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty) 3-2 L2
Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 3-2 W2
Scott Bless Scott Damn (Scott Aschebrook) 3-2 L1
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 2-3 L2
Tremendous Big League (Nick Zurawski) 2-3 W1
Kissin' TDs (Alec Swanson) 2-3 W2
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 0-5 L5
Week Five Final Scores
WALTERS 151 ASCHEBROOK SR. 133
TODD 126 DOUGHERTY 97
ZURAWSKI 111 ASCHEBROOK JR. 73
SWANSON 106 SNEEN 91
Heroes of the Week: QB DeShaun Watson (Walters), RB Melvin Gordon (Walters), RB Leonard Fournette (Aschebrook Sr.)
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| Hero of the Week: QB DeShaun Watson (Colieveland 96ers) |
Zeroes of the Week: TE Evan Engram (Aschebrook Jr.), DF New England Patriots (Todd), Owner Tyler Sneen (Sneen)
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| Zero of the Week: TE Evan Engram (Scott Bless Scott Damn) |
Scott v. Ryan
Cole v. Nick
Andy v. Tyler
Alec v. Darrin
Thursday: Philadelphia @ Carolina 7:25 PMCole v. Nick
Andy v. Tyler
Alec v. Darrin
Sunday: Miami @ Atlanta NOON
Chicago @ Baltimore NOON
Cleveland @ Houston NOON
Green Bay @ Minnesota NOON
Detroit @ New Orleans NOON
New England @ NY Jets NOON
San Francisco @ Washington NOON
Tampa Bay @ Arizona 3:05 PM
LA Rams @ Jacksonville 3:05 PM
Pittsburgh @ Kansas City 3:25 PM
LA Chargers @ Oakland 3:25 PM
NY Giants @ Denver 7:30 PM
Cleveland @ Houston NOON
Green Bay @ Minnesota NOON
Detroit @ New Orleans NOON
New England @ NY Jets NOON
San Francisco @ Washington NOON
Tampa Bay @ Arizona 3:05 PM
LA Rams @ Jacksonville 3:05 PM
Pittsburgh @ Kansas City 3:25 PM
LA Chargers @ Oakland 3:25 PM
NY Giants @ Denver 7:30 PM
Monday: Indianapolis @ Tennessee 7:30 PM
BYE WEEKS: Dallas, Cincinnati, Seattle, Buffalo
BYE WEEKS: Dallas, Cincinnati, Seattle, Buffalo
Bro...
Last night, I was listening to the radio as I worked on updating the WRBL Scoring Leaders and this song "New Rules" by 22-year old pop singer Dua Lipa came on. The rules that she lists in the ridiculously catchy song are as follows...
1. Don't pick up the phone, you know he's only calling because he's drunk and alone.
2. Don't let him in, you'll have to kick him out again.
3. Don't be his friend, you know you're going to wake up in his bed in the morning.
and then the chorus kicks in and the beat drops and it's just a really fun song but it got me to thinking... what are the 3 do-or-die rules of the Bro League? Upon further review...
1. Don't bench your studs, you know the replacement is always a dud.
2. Don't start on bye, you'll leave the rest of us asking "why?"
3. Don't "See ya Sneen", you know you're going to lose and it's really stupid.
Last week, Ryan benched a stud (Todd Gurley) and lost as a result. Sneen may not have started any of his wide array of bye week players but, did have an inactive Ty Montgomery in his lineup, leading to the week's closest loss. As for that third rule, see the 2015 semifinals, AKA: Tim Hightower week. I got new rules, I count 'em.
In case anybody needed more proof that American football is a brutal, unforgiving sport, we lost the two biggest personalities in the NFL to season-ending injuries this week with J.J. Watt breaking a leg and Odell Beckham Jr. breaking his ankle. The real league just got far less interesting while the WRBL is now far more even with 5-0 The Engine That Could losing their first round pick. Speaking of the WRBL leaders, the Dallas Cowboys' defense has the team at 2-3, overshadowing the fact that Dak Prescott has become one of the league's best quarterbacks. My QB is in a closely knit race with Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers (unquestionably the top two at their position) for the top spot among WRBL quarterbacks. Also, Travis Kelce has taken the scoring lead at Tight End while Kareem Hunt maintained a steady lead among scoring running backs despite a quiet-for-him 13-point week. I am seriously afraid of the Chiefs' week 10 bye week.
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| Andy Reid counting how many games he and I have won in a row on his left hand. |
There weren't any dramatic showdowns in the Bro League this week. Unfortunately, there were no 96-point leads for Darrin Asvhebrook to blow as his team threw plenty of punches, just to have Cole return fire in a most extreme fashion (again?) with DeShaun Watson dropping 35 on Sunday night in garbage time. Team ChowHounds now sit at 0-5 despite a hypothetical 2-3 record and the Rodgers/Fournette combination scoring 208 points so far. Despite the Packers' passing game successes, Scott had a total dud of a week with Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb combining for 16 points. Davante Adams may not have been a part of Cole's point explosion but, Nick benefited from Adams' miraculous Sunday performance as Scott never posed a threat to Z this week. If it weren't for starting Ty Montgomery, Sneen could have added an actually active player this week like Jerick McKinnon and he'd be 3-2 but, he already waved his white flag by drafting so many players on bye this week. It's a miracle he got as close to winning as he did.
Well, the bye week blues continue with Dak, Zeke, Dez, A.J. Green, Russell, Doug Baldwin and LeSean McCoy resting for week 6. The Giants have a 0.001% chance in Denver Sunday night with their starting wideouts as Roger Lewis and Travis Rudolph after losing 'Ol Dirty Beckham and Brandon Marshall for the season. By the way, the Giants are 0-5. Don't worry about the quality of the nationally televised games though, because the potential Jacoby Brissett-Matt Cassel Monday Night Football showdown is here to save the sport! In our little fantasy league of greatness, Andy's two-game standings lead will be challenged by a well-rested 2-3 Sneen. One of Scott and Ryan will fall back to .500 as the winner will be in decent shape for the upcoming playoffs (still 9 weeks away). Nine weeks is hopefully enough time for 0-5 Darrin to gather himself and return to contention. He better start winning now though as statistically, Alec's Kissin' TDs present the league's weakest scoring threat. Nick and Cole will be a fun matchup after Nick's offensive line coach snorted cocaine and I'm pretty sure Cole's on cocaine during 50% of our interactions so, the trash talk will be interesting as Cole's tits are all the way out for DeShaun Watson, whom he acquired from Nick.
Scoring Leaders
QB
Tom Brady 106 (SNEEN)
Aaron Rodgers 103 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Ben Roethlisberger 44 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Alex Smith 26 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Dak Prescott 104 (TODD)
Russell Wilson 90 (SWANSON)
DeShaun Watson 68 (WALTERS)
Drew Brees 60 (DOUGHERTY)
Matt Ryan 44 (WALTERS)
Derek Carr 39 (ZURAWSKI)
Matthew Stafford 30 (ZURAWSKI)
Carson Wentz 27 (DOUGHERTY)Alex Smith 26 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Marcus Mariota 18 (DOUGHERTY)
Jameis Winston 18 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)Tyrod Taylor 12 (ZURAWSKI)
RB
Kareem Hunt 123 (TODD)
Leonard Fournette 105 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Le'Veon Bell 92 (SWANSON)
Melvin Gordon 87 (WALTERS)
Ezekiel Elliott 83 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
LeSean McCoy 69 (DOUGHERTY)
C.J. Anderson 57 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Lamar Miller 56 (WALTERS)
Jordan Howard 36 (SWANSON)
James White 32 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Jay Ajayi 29 (ZURAWSKI)
Dalvin Cook 27 (DOUGHERTY)
Frank Gore 22 (TODD)
Joe Mixon 18 (TODD)
DeMarco Murray 18 (ZURAWSKI)
Tarik Cohen 13 (SWANSON)
Isaiah Crowell 13 (TODD)
David Johnson 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
David Johnson 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Marshawn Lynch 11 (ZURAWSKI)
Javorius Allen 9 (ZURAWSKI)
Mark Ingram 9 (ZURAWSKI)
Latavius Murray 6 (SNEEN)
Bilal Powell 6 (WALTERS)
Mark Ingram 9 (ZURAWSKI)
Latavius Murray 6 (SNEEN)
Bilal Powell 6 (WALTERS)
Chris Thompson 1 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
WR
Antonio Brown 99 (ZURAWSKI)
DeAndre Hopkins 99 (ZURAWSKI)
A.J. Green 96 (WALTERS)
Odell Beckham Jr. 71 (TODD)
Mike Evans 61 (DOUGHERTY)
Keenan Allen 58 (DOUGHERTY)
Chris Hogan 56 (TODD)
Doug Baldwin 53 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Tyreek Hill 51 (SWANSON)
Michael Crabtree 47 (ZURAWSKI)
Julio Jones 47 (SNEEN)
Davante Adams 39 (WALTERS)
Adam Thielen 38 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Brandin Cooks 35 (SWANSON)
Jarvis Landry 35 (WALTERS)
Martavis Bryant 34 (SNEEN)
Dez Bryant 31 (SWANSON)
Larry Fitzgerald 31 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Golden Tate 26 (DOUGHERTY)
Amari Cooper 25 (WALTERS)
Pierre Garcon 24 (SNEEN)
Nelson Agholor 19 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Terrelle Pryor 17 (SWANSON)
Danny Amendola 15 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Danny Amendola 15 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
DeSean Jackson 15 (WALTERS)
Eric Decker 7 (SNEEN)
Eric Decker 7 (SNEEN)
Randall Cobb 6 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
T.Y. Hilton 6 (TODD)
Alshon Jeffery 6 (ZURAWSKI)
Sammy Watkins 2 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Alshon Jeffery 6 (ZURAWSKI)
Sammy Watkins 2 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Mike Wallace 1 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
TE
Travis Kelce 75 (TODD)
Martellus Bennett 33 (WALTERS)
Zach Ertz 31 (SNEEN)
Kyle Rudolph 25 (SWANSON)
Jack Doyle 22 (DOUGHERTY)
Charles Clay 21 (DOUGHERTY)
Jason Witten 14 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Greg Olsen 5 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Tyler Eifert 1 (SWANSON)
K
Stephen Gostkowski 55 (SNEEN)
Matt Prater 45 (WALTERS)
Dan Bailey 40 (SWANSON)
Justin Tucker 30 (ASCHEBROOK JR./DOUGHERTY)
Adam Vinatieri 17 (ZURAWSKI)
Jake Elliott 10 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Chris Boswell 3 (TODD)
Greg Zuerlein 3 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Greg Zuerlein 3 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
DF
Denver Broncos 38 (DOUGHERTY)
Kansas City Chiefs 37 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Minnesota Vikings 29 (SNEEN)
Pittsburgh Steelers 13 (TODD/WALTERS)
Houston Texans 12 (WALTERS)
Arizona Cardinals 11 (ZURAWSKI)
Jacksonville Jaguars 10 (ZURAWSKI)
Cincinnati Bengals 9 (WALTERS)
Cincinnati Bengals 9 (WALTERS)
Philadelphia Eagles 9 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Baltimore Ravens 8 (WALTERS/DOUGHERTY)
Detroit Lions 2 (SWANSON)
New England Patriots 2 (TODD)
Hypothetical Standings
The Engine That Could 5-0
Team Easy Breesy 4-1
Colieveland 96ers 2-3
Scott Bless Scott Damn 2-3
Team ChowHounds 2-3
Tremendous Big League 2-3
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