WRBL Week 1, 2016

The Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 1
Our 3rd semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for the ending of the movie, Titanic

Current Standings (with regular season won-loss streaks) 
Le'Veon Division
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 1-0 W2
Team Moon (Evan Moon) 1-0 W9
Team Zurawski (Nick Zurawski) 0-1 L2
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 0-1 L1

DeAngelo Division
The Alec Crushers (Cole Walters) 1-0 W1
In DeAngelo I Trust (Scott Aschebrook) 1-0 W1
Team Swanson (Alec Swanson) 0-1 L3
TyRod Henke (Andy Todd) 0-1 L1

Week One Final Scores
ASCHEBROOK SR.  133 ZURAWSKI  96
ASCHEBROOK JR.  138 TODD  127
MOON  96 SNEEN  85
WALTERS  184 SWANSON  136

Hero of the Week: RB DeAngelo Williams (In DeAngelo I Trust)

Heroes of the Week: WR A.J. Green (Swanson), RB DeAngelo Williams (Aschebrook Jr.), WR Brandin Cooks (Walters)

Zeroes of the Week: DF Kansas City Chiefs (Moon), Owner Nick Zurawski (Zurawski), TE Gary Barnidge (Swanson)

Denny Medley/USA TODAY SportsZero of the Week: DF Kansas City Chiefs (Team Moon)

Upcoming Week 2 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)
Team ChowHounds vs. Team Moon
In DeAngelo I Trust vs. Team Swanson
The Alec Crushers vs. TyRod Henke
SNEEN MACHINE vs. Team Zurawski

Thursday Game: NY Jets @ Buffalo 7:25 PM
Sunday: Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh NOON
Tennessee @ Detroit NOON
Baltimore @ Cleveland NOON
Dallas @ Washington NOON
New Orleans @ NY Giants NOON
San Francisco @ Carolina NOON
Miami @ New England NOON
Houston @ Kansas City NOON
Seattle @ Los Angeles 3:05
Tampa Bay @ Arizona 3:05
Jacksonville @ San Diego 3:25
Atlanta @ Oakland 3:25
Indianapolis @ Denver 3:25
Green Bay @ Minnesota 7:30
Monday: Philadelphia @ Chicago 7:30

Bro...
It has been eight and a half months since the epic finale between Sneen and I ended with a Todd Gurley touchdown run eventually putting my name onto the league trophy across from (or under, we'll figure it out once it's actually engraved) Nick Zurawski's 2014 team. In those eight and a half months much has happened including the introductions of players like Carson Wentz and Ezekiel Elliott, the goodbyes to players like Peyton Manning and Calvin Johnson and most importantly, the 3rd semi-annual Bro League Draft sponsored by Buffalo Wild Wings at... you guessed it... Buffalo Wild Wings. The trophy was there for it all and as the random draft order determined, I (Andy Todd) landed the #1 overall pick. Of course with the pressure of winning the championship off my shoulders for a year, I played mind games with the entire table, throwing Antonio Brown onto the trading block before the draft even began but, nobody was biting. Ultimately, I decided that Julio was a wonderful piece of 2015 champions Spider 2 Y Banana but, forget him because Kyle Shanahan. Also, Antonio Brown was ridiculously fun to root for and watch when I owned him in 2014 on the long-forgotten SpottieOttieToddalicious but, that team did not even qualify for the playoffs. So, I decided that I'd take loyalty to the man that ultimately clinched my title over the safety of the obvious PPR #1 choice (Brown) and the sexy on-the-rise choice (DeAndre Hopkins) and I selected Todd Gurley #1 overall. #YODO (You Only Draft Once). I don't even want this trophy anymore and here's why...

The trophy is legit cursed now. I had 10 mice in my living room in a span of 14 days. Nothing like that has ever happened before. Nobody should want this. I'm also balding now and my plane crashed in South America, where I contracted the Zika Virus. Luckily, the Shelby protected me and I was the lone survivor from said crash but still, I could've done without the five days of eating human flesh just to survive (see: the absence of Josh Tiffany). Speaking of wanting things, this league is already infuriating for me because it's such a small league that free agency is packed with players I want/NEED to roster and yet, there is not a single player worth cutting. I can already tell that the waiver wire is going to be hell this year with plenty of #2 running backs and sneaky valuable QBs available. 

Speaking of Tiffany's absence, We did lose two owners this year and it was sad to part with Alex Silka but, we are definitely open to bringing him back next year or in week four when Cole ultimately rage-quits after his first injury. Cole nearly quit right out of the gate this year as there was a bet at the draft stating that if Alec defeated Cole this week, the owner of "The Alec Crushers" would forever retire from the fake sport of Fantasy Football. I don't know what Alec's end of the deal was and frankly, he doesn't deserve too harsh a punishment as Cole's team was just THAT awesome this opening weekend. Every one of Walters' starters scored in the double digits and his team set a new Bro League record for points in a week with 184 (previous high was 181, Week 9 in 2015 by Sneen Machine). In another blowout of a match, Aschebrook Sr. beat a dazed and confused Team Zurawski as Nick rediscovered that Kirk Cousins is a joke while Sammy Watkins and Keenan Allen re-injured themselves (Watkins week-to-week, Allen out for the season) and for some reason, an inactive Rob Gronkowski was in his lineup, giving Nick his first ever Zero of the Week award. Despite a nice Monday night effort from Jordan Reed, Sneen Machine still lost in the battle of the two lowest scorers to Team Moon. Moon winning with Adrian Peterson being rendered completely useless this week and a scoreless defense should terrify the league as once those two are hitting on all cylinders, Moon will start racking up deserved wins and it will be spooky. Headed into the Monday Night Football doubleheader, my team was still known as the "Golden Tate Warriors" (overused, needed to switch it up anyway) and delivered on that team name by basically blowing a 3-1 lead by watching DeAngelo Williams drop 34 points. Once I realized that the deficit had changed from +18 in my favor to -16 in Scott's favor, I knew I was just doing what Golden State had done in the 2016 NBA Finals which was lose a huge lead and needed to alter my fate by changing my team name to "TyRod Henke" but, it was too late. 2016 is definitely not 2015 and the standings are certainly showing that so far.

Reason #875 why everyone needs a creative team name.

Week 1 overreactions are easy, week 2 overreactions are even more fun as some have actual value to them while others turn out to be totally bogus. Having acknowledged this, I'm not going to touch on much of the NFL action that happened this weekend but, there are still a few things that feel necessary to point out.

1. Cleveland WAS the worst team playing on Sunday and RG3 is never going to happen.
2. Dak Prescott will have training wheels on for a few weeks until Jerry Jones sees that Dallas is sub-.500 and tells him to go hog-wild.
3. Denver and Minnesota have very good defenses. Some might overreact and say the best but, this is week one and I am not going to do that just yet.
4. The Chargers keep finding fun ways to lose and the clock is ticking on Mike McCoy.
5. No pre-game anthem protest could ever be as insulting to America as the decision to put Rams-49ers on national broadcast. It was the second-worst MNF game ever (behind Giants-Vikings, 2013. AKA: The Josh Freeman game).

St. Louis sends their regards.

Trade made prior to Week 1: Cole traded RB Mark Ingram to Scott for RB C.J. Anderson.

2016 Scoring Leaders
QB
Drew Brees 30 (TODD)
Matthew Stafford 25 (WALTERS)
Aaron Rodgers 22 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Ben Roethlisberger 22 (SWANSON)
Cam Newton 20 (ASCHEBROOK)
Carson Palmer 18 (MOON)
Russell Wilson 11 (SNEEN)
Kirk Cousins 9 (ZURAWSKI)

RB
DeAngelo Williams 34 (ASCHEBROOK)
C.J. Anderson 29 (WALTERS)
Ameer Abdullah 22 (TODD)
Carlos Hyde 22 (SWANSON)
David Johnson 22 (ZURAWSKI)
Danny Woodhead 22 (ZURAWSKI)
LeSean McCoy 16 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Lamar Miller 15 (SNEEN)
Doug Martin 14 (WALTERS)
Latavius Murray 13 (SWANSON)
Ezekiel Elliott 12 (MOON)
Mark Ingram 9 (ASCHEBROOK)
Devonta Freeman 8 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Eddie Lacy 8 (MOON)
Todd Gurley 5 (TODD)
Giovani Bernard 4 (SNEEN)
Adrian Peterson 3 (MOON)

WR
A.J. Green 36 (SWANSON)
Brandin Cooks 33 (WALTERS)
Antonio Brown 32 (WALTERS)
Larry Fitzgerald 28 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Amari Cooper 21 (MOON)
Mike Evans 20 (ASCHEBROOK)
Donte Moncrief 18 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Jeremy Maclin 17 (ASCHEBROOK)
DeAndre Hopkins 16 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Julio Jones 16 (ASCHEBROOK)
Jordy Nelson 15 (TODD)
Alshon Jeffery 14 (SWANSON)
Allen Robinson 13 (SWANSON)
Keenan Allen 12 (ZURAWSKI)
Randall Cobb 12 (TODD)
Jarvis Landry 12 (TODD)
Odell Beckham Jr. 11 (SNEEN)
Eric Decker 11 (SNEEN)
Golden Tate 11 (WALTERS)
Demaryius Thomas 8 (MOON)
Sammy Watkins 8 (ZURAWSKI)
Brandon Marshall 6 (ZURAWSKI)
Dez Bryant 1 (SNEEN)

TE
Julius Thomas 17 (MOON)
Greg Olsen 14 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Travis Kelce 13 (WALTERS)
Jordan Reed 13 (SNEEN)
Delanie Walker 7 (TODD)
Jared Cook 1 (ASCHEBROOK)

K
Dan Bailey 17 (WALTERS)
Stephen Gostkowski 14 (SNEEN)
Adam Vinatieri 12 (ZURAWSKI)
Mason Crosby 9 (ASCHEBROOK)
Justin Tucker 9 (MOON)
Graham Gano 8 (SWANSON)
Steven Hauschka 6 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Brandon McManus 3 (TODD)

DF
Minnesota Vikings 21 (TODD)
Seattle Seahawks 12 (ASCHEBROOK)
Houston Texans 10 (WALTERS)
Carolina Panthers 8 (SWANSON)
Cincinnati Bengals 5 (ZURAWSKI)
Denver Broncos 5 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Green Bay Packers 5 (SNEEN)

Hypothetical Standings (Top 4 teams in scoring win each week)
The Alec Crushers 1-0
In DeAngelo I Trust 1-0
Team Swanson 1-0
Team ChowHounds 1-0
TyRod Henke 0-1
Team Moon 0-1
Team Zurawski 0-1
SNEEN MACHINE 0-1