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| Victory tastes delicious. |
"This year's draft was a doozy as we were not even sure who would show up, be available or even slightly aware as to who all of the team owners might be (at least, I wasn't) and it wasn't until the very last minute that all ten team owners were huddled in front of a computer, set to make their picks. Why not have an actual gathering at Buffalo Wild Wings like last season? Cole Walters. I was not aware until what I had assumed was going to be the evening of the draft that the wings & picks would not happen and when I found out, I took off my Vincent Jackson jersey and joined a random ESPN league to feed my addiction to this fake sport of real players and sometimes cash. Despite all the chaos, the online draft was still alive in trash talk and general league discussions one would come to expect (trades, why Cole Walters is the worst, league trophy possibilities)."
Yes, Cole Walters disrupted the fun of draft night so that he could see a Brewer game (because he never saw another game the rest of the season, I'm sure even though I ran into him at a few different games). After delaying the draft once, he nearly delayed it again as he HAD THE NERVE to work the night of the online draft (totally understandable, not at all like the Buffalo Wild Wings draft that never took place). In stepped Yanni to save the day as he drafted most of Cole's team despite declaring his lack of knowledge on just what the hell we were all doing. Cole nearly made the playoffs, God bless Yanni. Of course, he also asked fellow owner Evan Moon at some point to draft his team which would have probably resulted in Cole's starting quarterback being Rex Grossman.
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| Photo via: Evan Moon. "dude, solid battery charge" - Nick Zurawski, 9/9/15. |
Week one saw the first controversy of many this season as there was a tie between Moon and Team Aschebrook, which would have been the only tie of the season except for the fact that it was not a tie at all (ZOINKS!). An Antonio Cromartie fumble recovery led to Team Moon getting a mid-week stat change and a pity win in the lowest scoring match-up of the week. If only we got points for the amount of women each of our players impregnated, Cromartie would have handed Moon a win much earlier. In response to Moon's performance, fellow owner Nick Zurawski was quoted as saying "for getting a combined 7 points from your two starting WRs in a PPR league you are officially a disgrace to the game of fantasy football". Week one also saw the first of many instances of Cole feeling cheated out of a win as he lost despite scoring 136 points to my 166. I subsequently fell irrationally in love with Ameer Abdullah after throwing a dart that hit the bulls' eye and landed Spider 2 Y Banana a nice 19 points. Carlos Hyde's 31 also turned out to be a season highlight for his production and I had the leading scorer at QB (Tom Brady w/27), RB (Hyde) and WR (JULIOOO!!! w/35). After the week, Scott and Alec made a six player deal that would forever deem Scott's 1-0 team irrelevant while Team Swanson went on an upward trajectory after an 0-1 start.
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| Actual photo of Scott's team after dealing away Adrian Peterson, Brandon Marshall, Greg Olsen, Julio Jones, Demaryius Thomas (TWICE), Carlos Hyde, A.J. Green, Larry Fitzgerald and Terrance Williams for Marshawn Lynch, Dez Bryant, Arian Foster, Dwayne Allen, Jamaal Charles and Golden Tate. I mean... holy shit. |
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| During his week off, Walker signed autographs for orphaned children because he is the greatest living human being. Not pictured: Him saving a trio of elderly women, a puppy and Beyonce' from a burning vehicle. |
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| Sneen did originally pick the name "Scott's Winless Issue Tissues" which had a short tenure as the team name.. |
Week four was a frustrating week for Spider 2 Y Banana as Carlos Hyde lamed his way to 3 points while my other RB, Ameer Abdullah doubled that with 6 measly points when I needed 13 on Monday Night Football. The worst part about all of this? The Lions had a chance to win the game inside the ten-yard line and gave the ball to Zach Zenner twice, threw to Theo Riddick once and in typical Lions fashion, lost the game on a controversial Calvin Johnson fumble at the goal line. Ameer Abdullah would have hung on to that specific football. None of the other footballs but, I felt good about that one in particular. That was the week Jim Caldwell should have been on the hot seat as his pathetic team sat at 0-4 (He still has that job as I write this). I did take some great positives out of this week though as I was the first one to buy into the Blake Bortles bandwagon (got me 18 points, went on to start for everybody) and Charles Clay filled in nicely with twenty points while Tom Brady and Delanie Walker rested through their bye weeks.
That busy week also featured Team Moon's first triple digit scoring performance because as I said back then, "Even a full Moon comes around once every four weeks". The bad news was he still lost by 14 to Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness, who should have just switched his team name to Nick's Elated Team of Joy when Le'Veon Bell showed why he was worth a top-three pick despite the two-game suspension with his first Hero of the Week Award. More bad news for Team Moon was Jordan Matthews continued to disappoint with just 8 points as he could have used a 2014-type performance out of the suddenly-mediocre Eagle receiver. Despite his best (or worst?) efforts, Silka could not hand Team Tiffany his first win as he eked out a 78-76 win in a match-up sponsored by Ambien. Tiffany's fourth straight loss prompted the good owners of Spider 2 Y Banana (that's me) to start a charity that would give Josh a point the next week for each like received on that week's WRBL review (It got four likes). Alec defeated Cole to stay atop the division over S2YB thanks to a tiebreaker and Aschebrook Sr.'s hands went up and they stayed there because, much like T-Pain, all he did early on was win no matter what.
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| One of the biggest stories of the 2015 NFL season was the Eagles not living up to their preseason hype. |
Scott's dad continued his reign of terror with a fifth win in a row to begin the season behind RB Devonta Freeman's third consecutive Hero of the Week win. Devonta Freeman was so unconvincing in the first two weekends that his backup, Tevin Coleman was a popular waiver wire pickup. This just goes to show how unpredictable this fragile sport can sometimes be. Also happening during week five, a new running back created his own waves in Seattle with Thomas Rawls going for 169 yards with Marshawn Lynch inactive, QB Josh McCown scored 35 points for nobody and I defeated Team Tiffany despite not starting WR James Jones, who again proved totally awesome on my bench and totally worthless whenever I started him. Jones was the one case I could not crack this season. Many thanks to Todd Gurley for his 15 points in his first start for Spider 2 Y Banana and no thanks to Alex Silka for not accepting my Charles Clay for (pre-starter era) David Johnson trade offer, forcing me to cut Clay for nothing while his value was high.
Heading into week six, former Pro Bowl WR DeSean Jackson was released among many other transactions made by the suddenly-conscious J-Tiff. Nick Zurawski pounced on Jackson's freshly released potential quicker than a cheetah would jump on a wounded gazelle. This move created it's own minor controversy when Scott claimed "Wow so interesting how Desean Jackson fell into Nick Zurawski's hands! In what world does someone drop him!? The betting odds on a repeat champion is at 2:1 and I've just bet my entire house! Congrats on finding your flex position.... Dick!". Scott responded to this move with an obvious sarcasm that could only be matched by tweets from Donald Trump. Scott's frustration was only fueled by his previously "unfair" Barnidge-Matthews-Randle-Gates trade turning into a week six loss to the now 1-5 Team Tiffany who, as mentioned previously, fixed his lineup for the first time ALL SEASON. I forwarded some advice to the now 1-5 owner of Bilbo Unable To Braggins that he should seek treatment for his anger and he only responded with more vitriol. I then thanked him for giving me Julio Jones and Carlos Hyde for the injured Jamaal Charles and "Bronze" Tate. The argument went unresolved but again, I clearly took the W. Poor performance by Scott. Sad.
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| "But Carlos Hyde only had one good game!" - real quote from Scott Aschebrook, as if Hyde was the main piece of the deal. |
All of the hype surrounding week 7's Sneen v. Silka match was severely misplaced as Sneen ran over Silka with his car and then put the car in reverse just to make sure his job was finished adequately in a 93-45 snoozer of a contest (Alex did not set his lineup accordingly). Also surprisingly mismatched was the face-off between 3-3 Spider 2 Y Banana and thee 6-0 Chowhounds that ended in a 150-100 victory for yours truly. My #1 hero that specific weekend was Todd Gurley and RB Branden Oliver was a total guess on my part that worked out perfectly as he scored a valuable (albeit, not totally necessary) 12 points. Of course whenever a coach is fired, that tends to be a fantasy-altering move for the remainder of the season but, when Miami chose to dump Joe Philbin for Dan Campbell, Miami's offense did not really change at all and the team was only inspired by the INTENSITY of Campbell for a couple of weeks before they realized "Oh yeah, we're still the Dolphins in a post-Marino, pre-post-Brady world and we will always be .500 or below". Starting RB Lamar Miller was one player whose value was temporarily altered in lieu of Miami's decision and he had his best game of the season that first post-Philbin week with a Hero of the Week award to show for it as he handed Scott his 2nd win of the season (this one being over Alec). Nick also surprisingly squeezed out a victory over Tiffany despite PPR GOD Danny Woodhead going absolutely nuts versus Oakland with a 32-point performance.
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| AP, Lenny Ignelzi Despite a 32-point performance, Danny Woodhead's fantasy team came up short. Really? Height jokes, Andy? |
After a 6-44 record over his last 50 games as a head coach, Ken Whisenhunt was canned by the Tennessee Titans after week eight. The move had zero fantasy impact as the Titans replaced him with a career 16-32 Mike Mularkey, a guy who is just happy to be around the league. Whisenhunt wasn't the only casualty of week eight as a handful of superstars and many other fantasy-relevant names finished their games on the injury report. The biggest loss was Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness losing Steelers' RB Le'Veon Bell to a torn MCL for the remainder of the season. Everyone else seemed to suffer at least one major injury besides myself, as Kendall Wright was basically the last man on my roster at that point.
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| Pictured here: One of the players on my team trying to avoid injuries. |
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| This Year in Review is brought to you by the Syfy channel. |
In reality football, three teams were still undefeated because their level of competition is far weaker than ours (or something like that) and the Pats, Panthers and Bengals were off to historic starts. The Colts and Nick were both effectively boned when Andrew Luck's kidney was lacerated without any indication of such an event occurring during that week's game. I just assume Zoro finally caught up to him. The Atlanta Falcons were far away from the days of once being undefeated and spooky as Blaine "Yo Gabba" Gabbert waltzed through Atlanta with a W in his first start since 2013 and Steelers' WR Antonio Brown had the biggest game for a player at his position with 17 catches for 284 yards, somehow without a touchdown. Either way, it was the single best individual performance in the Bro League this season.
Week 10 was the first week that I had first place overall to myself as I beat Swanson by 66 points and the other two 6-3 teams (Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds and Sneen Machine) also surprised with losses. There was a total change in how Thee Chowhounds' season was viewed as they went from being uncontested at 6-0 to suddenly in danger of missing the playoffs after dropping four in a row. With Matt Forte on the mend, Walters added Jeremy Langford (Forte's backup) and rode the Michigan State rookie to a 57-point victory and a return to a .500 record. Off in the distance, a new challenger arose as Team Moon entered the 6-4 logjam with a quiet fifth consecutive win over Scott's 3-7 ragtag team of rodeo clowns playing the wrong sport.
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| Week 10 saw Sneen Machine WR Antonio Brown as a Hero for the second consecutive week. |
My reign of being the lone first place team ended quickly when now 5-6 Team Silka pulled off a stunner of a win over me in a week where scoring was ridiculously low. Much like IHOP's red velvet crepes, not much is better than a highly competitive fantasy league and with every owner but one fully invested in their teams, the Bro League was competitive and exciting. No week showcased that better than week 11 when both divisions had two teams at the top at 7-4 (Nick's Mopey Team Of Sadness/Team Moon and Spider 2 Y Banana/Alec's "Arian Fosters' Achilles Heel) and three teams were one game out at 6-5 (Aschebrook Sr./Sneen/Walters). Basically, it was J-Tiff not caring, Scott self-sabotaging and a bunch of equally lucky/skilled fantasy owners near the top.
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| This Year in Review is also brought to you by IHOP. |
Much like Facebook is just a disgusting cesspool of people trying to one-up each other's lives, the Dallas Cowboys' quarterback conundrum was filled with the worst cesspool of quarterbacks (for a team not based in Cleveland), that were all trying to one-up one another in shittyness. Jerry Jones's team handed over the reigns to Brandon Weeden, Matt Cassel and even Kellen Moore later on for the last couple of games. This was all caused by Tony Romo's twice broken collarbone. Most teams that just barely miss out on the playoffs can point to one injury in particular that crushed their chances at a title and I feel like week 12's re-injury to Romo was THE defining moment of Cole's fantasy season. Walters ended up having to turn to Eli Manning as a Romo replacement and he was okay but, he just was not Tony Romo.
Cole's "John, Can I Use The Suburban?" team still managed to somehow win despite Tony Romo taking a shit out of his collarbone and the best defense that week as a result of Thanksgiving's chaos, the Carolina Panthers (then owned by Alec's "Carolina Loves Romo"). The first two playoff teams were finally set in place with one week to spare as Zurawski's "Moon's Microdongs" breezed past my "Spider 2 Y Banana" 131-105 thanks to Jarvis Landry juicing his fantasy orange against the Jets and Evan told Scott to go to Super Weenie Hut Juniors in a 158-110 thrashing that was rated-R for violence. With both Moon's Microdongs and 50 Shades of Ginger in the postseason, it was down to the final week of the regular season with both 7-5 Sneen Machine and Thee now 6-6 Wisconsin Chowhounds in need of sweet, sweet victory. In the adjacent division, everybody was in the chase besides Team Tiffany, who was unsurprisingly co-owned by Sam Hinkie.
Scott invited discussion/controversy to the league again when he casually mentioned that he was dealing a fifth rounder to Cole as part of the Fitzgerald/Randle trade and that he would be getting Cole's third rounder. For some reason people actually cared about this when both owners have proven to be sub-par at this game that they'll find a way to screw those picks up anyway (at least for 2015. Don't worry guys, you'll get your bragging rights back next year). The whole point of a long post by Scott within the group about this trade was that the league is going to become a keeper league, likely next season, and that he and Cole should have been able to deal the picks as next year was the first year we would officially become a keeper league. Of course, this trade would still involve two players' stats for the present season and after a league-wide vote, John Cena was declared victorious. Actually, the majority voted "yes" and I GUESS the traded picks still stand?
In the NFL, jaws dropped and tears fell as Rob "GOAT NFL tight end" Gronkowski suffered a leg injury in the regular season's best game (an overtime win in the snow for the Osweiler-led Broncos over the Patriots) the week previously. Luckily for Nick's Moon's Microdong (a team name I cannot use enough), Gronk only missed this one week and Nick won with Larry Donnell anyway because sometimes it's just not enough being the smartest person in the league. The Lions won a third consecutive game by obliterating the pathetic 4-7 Eagles, the 5-6 Bears beat the 7-4 Packers on a rainy night used to celebrate Brett Favre's career and the Ravens beat the Browns in a meaningless game on a cool-as-the-other-side-of-the-pillow blocked field goal return.
With Khiry Robinson already out for the season, it was not surprising to see Nick Zurawski's team make the fantasy postseason with Mark Ingram carrying a heavier load for New Orleans. What was surprising was the breaking news mid-week right before the playoffs that Ingram suffered a torn labrum and would miss the remainder of the season. This ended up being the news with the largest fantasy impact of the 2015 season and it's safe to say that none of us saw it coming. As a result of the injury, Nick lost another key to his team's success and his championship odds took a big hit. The Ingram injury also indicated that one of two running backs was going to see a large increase in playing time. C.J. Spiller was the running back that the Saints spent a bunch of money on in the off-season and the option with the most recent NFL success. Tim Hightower had not played a down of regular season football in four years. I heard rumblings about Hightower potentially taking over and Spiller sticking in the same role but, thought I might be able to wait a week before trusting the guy who wasn't even that good when he was supposedly in his prime with the Arizona Cardinals. Spider 2 Y Banana became C.J. Spiller's team and the sneaky Sneen Machine swiped up Tim Hightower before anybody else could get a chance. A line was drawn in the metaphorical sand.
The 13th week was the final week anybody payed attention to 3-10 Bilbo Unable To Braggins or 1-12 Team Tiffany as both were obvious locks for the loser's bracket weeks earlier. With a 145-89 victory over the now Ingram-less, Zurawski-led "Cole Top, Moon Bottom", Moon's 50 Shades of Ginger clinched a first-round bye for the playoffs. Also clinching a bye? Spider 2 Y Banana, after a 39-point win over Team Tiffany that was heavily aided by Delanie Walker's 23-point Jaguar poaching. Obviously, Tom Brady's 31 points (including a 36-yard catch) versus the Eagles helped but, even Marcus Mariota had 35 points on my bench (including an 87-yard touchdown run) in the crazy Titans-Jaguars game that produced 81 reality points.
In a classic rivalry of father versus son, Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds barely took care of Bilbo 112-110 all thanks to Darren McFadden losing two fumbles on Monday Night Football in the second-most painful way to lose. Sneen beat Swanson by a fifty-burger thanks to his well oiled machine of a team and both teams found themselves in the first round of the playoffs with no bye week to assist them like Chris Paul in those creepy State Farm ads. Of course, a final regular-season week would not be complete without another controversy. Cole Walters' team had hit some cold waters and lost 104-142 to Silka's "Your GF Likes Mike Ditka" and both teams were sent to the loser's bracket. The controversy revolved around what the tiebreaker would be between the four 7-6 teams across both divisions (PS: Let's not do divisions again, just a suggestion). Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds (who won their final game after six-game winning and losing streaks) ended up in the playoffs, surprising me and upsetting the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of Cole. You see, the tiebreaker ended up being one's won-loss record among their division (Seriously, divisions are weird in fantasy unless it's a 32-team league) and Cole's "John, Can I Use The Suburban?" finished with the worst record among all the 7-6 teams within his division (which featured Alec, Silka, Tiffany and I). As a result, both Silka and Cole hit the bricks and joined the loser's bracket while four teams advanced from one division (Moon, Nick, Ashy Sr. and Sneen) with only two from the other division (Alec and my fine self).
Final Regular Season Standings (with won-loss streaks at the end)
Cole Top, Moon Bottom (Nick Zurawski) 8-5 L1
Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds (Father Aschebrook) 7-6 W1
The Wall Division
Carolina Loves Romo (Alec Swanson) 7-6 L2
John, Can I Use The Suburban? (Cole Walters) 7-6 L1
That's not all that happened week 13 as Thursday Night Football lost it's damn mind when Aaron Rodgers may or may not have had his facemask held by the Lions defense before throwing a game-winning Hail Mary pass to Richard "The Other" Rodgers. Also occurring were the Falcons' sixth consecutive loss (coincidentally also managed by Darrin Aschebrook), a Jets-Giants OT that saw Ryan Fitzpatrick win the title of New York's best quarterback of 2016 (sort of) and Seattle made both the NFC North and West races far more interesting with a 38-7 pummeling of the Vikings. Shout out to Cordarrelle Patterson for not letting the score take away from his happiness on a kick return touchdown though.
In the opposing playoff match-up of the 14th weekend, Nick's "Cole Top, Moon Bottom" put up the second-highest point total of the week. Sadly, that point total was twenty points short of his probably juicing (ALLEGEDLY) opponent "Where's Cole? Not Here" owned by Alec. 128-148 was the final score and consistency was key as none of Swanson's players were Heroes that week. In the loser's bracket, "virtual bye week" Josh Tiffany handed Scott an 88-112 victory and Odell Beckham Jr.'s 35-point Monday Night Football performance was just enough for Cole to beat Silka by a whopping two points. To be completely honest, nobody cares one bit about the loser's bracket outside of who wins the dreaded "sacko" by finishing in last place. The two bye week teams seriously lucked out as both The Donald and Spider 2 Y Banana played atrociously, scoring 79 and 80 points respectively with an automatic advancement into the semifinals. Our odds had significantly decreased.
Things we blamed Cole Walters for in 2015
NOTE: The MVP Award will always go to a player on the winning team.
MVP (Chosen by the league champion as it was last season when Nick won, I asked him via text in mid-June who he thought his MVP was and he replied "Hmm... DeMarco Murray?") - TE Delanie Walker
Trades That Occurred
Preseason: Scott traded RB Carlos Hyde & WR Demaryius Thomas to Andy for RB Jamaal Charles & WR Golden Tate.
Scott traded RB Adrian Peterson, WR Brandon Marshall & TE Greg Olsen to Moon for RB Arian Foster, WR Julio Jones & TE Dwayne Allen.
Scott traded WR Julio Jones to Andy for WR Demaryius Thomas.
Week 1: Scott traded WR's A.J. Green, Demaryius Thomas, Larry Fitzgerald & Terrance Williams to Alec for RB Marshawn Lynch & WR Dez Bryant.
Week 4: Scott's dad traded WR Sammy Watkins to Scott for WR Stevie Johnson.
Week 5: Scott traded RB Arian Foster, RB Karlos Williams & WR Travis Benjamin to Alec for RB Lamar Miller, WR's Jeremy Maclin & Larry Fitzgerald.
Scott traded WR Rishard Matthews & TE Gary Barnidge to Josh for RB Joseph Randle & TE Antonio Gates.
Week 11: Scott traded WR Larry Fitzgerald and a 2016 5th round draft pick to Cole for WR Rueben Randle and a 2016 3rd round draft pick.
LITERALLY not one trade did not include Scott. I'd say he went 2-6 on these deals.
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| "By golly, I don't think I can do this" Manning thought to himself as Cole called upon him to lead his team to the playoffs. |
Scott invited discussion/controversy to the league again when he casually mentioned that he was dealing a fifth rounder to Cole as part of the Fitzgerald/Randle trade and that he would be getting Cole's third rounder. For some reason people actually cared about this when both owners have proven to be sub-par at this game that they'll find a way to screw those picks up anyway (at least for 2015. Don't worry guys, you'll get your bragging rights back next year). The whole point of a long post by Scott within the group about this trade was that the league is going to become a keeper league, likely next season, and that he and Cole should have been able to deal the picks as next year was the first year we would officially become a keeper league. Of course, this trade would still involve two players' stats for the present season and after a league-wide vote, John Cena was declared victorious. Actually, the majority voted "yes" and I GUESS the traded picks still stand?
In the NFL, jaws dropped and tears fell as Rob "GOAT NFL tight end" Gronkowski suffered a leg injury in the regular season's best game (an overtime win in the snow for the Osweiler-led Broncos over the Patriots) the week previously. Luckily for Nick's Moon's Microdong (a team name I cannot use enough), Gronk only missed this one week and Nick won with Larry Donnell anyway because sometimes it's just not enough being the smartest person in the league. The Lions won a third consecutive game by obliterating the pathetic 4-7 Eagles, the 5-6 Bears beat the 7-4 Packers on a rainy night used to celebrate Brett Favre's career and the Ravens beat the Browns in a meaningless game on a cool-as-the-other-side-of-the-pillow blocked field goal return.
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| ESPN Gronk meets his therapy cat, who helped him return to action quicker than expected. |
The 13th week was the final week anybody payed attention to 3-10 Bilbo Unable To Braggins or 1-12 Team Tiffany as both were obvious locks for the loser's bracket weeks earlier. With a 145-89 victory over the now Ingram-less, Zurawski-led "Cole Top, Moon Bottom", Moon's 50 Shades of Ginger clinched a first-round bye for the playoffs. Also clinching a bye? Spider 2 Y Banana, after a 39-point win over Team Tiffany that was heavily aided by Delanie Walker's 23-point Jaguar poaching. Obviously, Tom Brady's 31 points (including a 36-yard catch) versus the Eagles helped but, even Marcus Mariota had 35 points on my bench (including an 87-yard touchdown run) in the crazy Titans-Jaguars game that produced 81 reality points.
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| Real photo of Super Mariota's 87-yard touchdown run. No wonder it looked so easy. |
Final Regular Season Standings (with won-loss streaks at the end)
Dark Side of the Moon Division
50 Shades of Ginger (Evan Moon) 9-4 W8
Sneen Machine (Tyler Sneen) 8-5 W2
Bilbo Unable To Braggins (Scott Aschebrook) 3-10 L4
The Wall Division
Spider 2 Y Banana (Andy Todd) 8-5 W1
Your GF Likes Mike Ditka (Alex Silka) 7-6 W4
Team Tiffany (Josh Tiffany) 1-12 L7
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| At least he can still run this route, right Moon? |
Just like that, the entire playoff bracket was set. The excitement was higher than ever and the match-ups were as follows...
Byes: (1) Evan Moon, (2) Andy Todd
Round 1 Matchups:
(3) Nick Zurawski v. (6) Alec Swanson
(4) Tyler Sneen v. (5) Scott's Dad
The Vegas odds were also dug up by degenerate gambler Nick Z...
Spider 2 Y Banana 3:1
50 Shades of Ginger 11:2
Carolina Loves Romo 13:2
Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds 15:2
Cole Top, Moon Bottom 10:1
Sneen Machine 14:1
I was the metaphorical Vegas champion and was satisfied to know that everyone would be gunning for me (or more realistically, whoever their playoff opponents were).
If Cole Walters was a 10 on an angry scale that ranges from 1-10 when he found out about his team missing the playoffs, he was a 100 on that same scale (but that's not how numbers work!) after he watched Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds fail to even force Sneen to break a sweat in week 14's first round of the playoffs. Sneen Machine advanced to take on Moon's "The Donald" after the Machine's 118-76 elimination of Thee Chowhounds. Cole accomplished the task of outscoring the winner of the Sneen-Chow match-up and made sure to pour all of his saltiness over the league with messages like "Darin you put up a good fight.... 76 points good job. During that... I out scored you and I would have beaten Sneen. #didntdeservetheplayoffs".
In the opposing playoff match-up of the 14th weekend, Nick's "Cole Top, Moon Bottom" put up the second-highest point total of the week. Sadly, that point total was twenty points short of his probably juicing (ALLEGEDLY) opponent "Where's Cole? Not Here" owned by Alec. 128-148 was the final score and consistency was key as none of Swanson's players were Heroes that week. In the loser's bracket, "virtual bye week" Josh Tiffany handed Scott an 88-112 victory and Odell Beckham Jr.'s 35-point Monday Night Football performance was just enough for Cole to beat Silka by a whopping two points. To be completely honest, nobody cares one bit about the loser's bracket outside of who wins the dreaded "sacko" by finishing in last place. The two bye week teams seriously lucked out as both The Donald and Spider 2 Y Banana played atrociously, scoring 79 and 80 points respectively with an automatic advancement into the semifinals. Our odds had significantly decreased.
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| Prince wondering whether or not it was right that Moon and I advanced despite brutal bye weeks. |
The final four was set and the losers were forced to decide whether their allegiance was with #intodditrust, #inmoonyousuck, #leanonsneen or #swanyischampilicious (Scott came up with these, not me). Tom Brady, Todd Gurley, Delanie Walker and I would face Blake Bortles, A.J. Green, Doug Martin and Alec while Drew Brees, Justin Tucker, Julius Thomas and Sneen would be going up against #1 seed The Donald and his deadly receiving trio of Allen Robinson, Brandon Marshall and Mike Evans that had him on a 7-game winning streak. The only things left to be decided in the NFL were the AFC South and NFC East winners while Andy Dalton broke his thumb and was forced to sit out the remainder of the season, thus dooming the Cincinnati Bengals' title aspirations.
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| A text provided to the league by Nick Zurawski featuring "#nocontext" |
The stage was ready for a set of epic week 15 performances by the remaining four "winners". Unfortunately, one battle went seemingly uncontested as the #2 seed Spider 2 Y Banana threw #6 Where's Cole? Not Here into a blender and then threw him in the trash out of spite. The final score was the year's most uneven final of 162-84 but, with Ted Ginn Jr. and Amari Cooper in his lineup instead of on the bench, Alec would have had quite the weekend and the results would have been much less appalling to the Alec Swanson fan club. My entire team was en fuego including another stellar week from all of my players in my favorite meaningless garbage game of the season, Patriots versus Titans. I watched intensely as Tom Brady picked up a solid 18 points and James White defied all the odds with 20 points, all coming strictly through the air even though he was a terrible receiving back at Wisconsin. Of course, no great Spider 2 Y Banana game was complete without the volcano known as Delanie Walker erupting for 20 points (great considering his position) on a very loud two catches (which both came from Zach GOATtenburger, RIP. He's not dead, just his NFL career is).
But really, nobody gave one iota of a shit about that game because...
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| This now hangs from the rafters at Sneen Machine headquarters. |
I respect the confidence shown by Moon here but, if I were given teleprompter capabilities and pictures of both Sneen and Moon's lineups, I would circle the names of Drew Brees, Antonio Brown and Tim Hightower (who surely would not be a major factor in a fantasy game after going on a five-year vacation) and I would say "This is what you still have to worry about if you're coach Moon here. I don't know how coach Sneen is going to make a late-game adjustment radical enough to change an imminent outcome but, if you look over here at The Donald's roster (proceeds to cross out Moon's entire team), he doesn't have a single player remaining. Kevin Garnett once told me anything was possible and I've seen jinxes worse than this (circles "see ya sneen -emoji-) but, you CANNOT call your shots in a game as fluky as fantasy football ever and that's what I love about this sport".
Alas, Brees, Brown and Hightower whipped out their dicks and pissed all over The Donald (which would probably be a best-selling bumper sticker if somebody with real talent actually felt like stealing this idea) and a last-second dump-off (ON A PLAY DESIGNED AS A HAIL MARY MIND YOU) to Hightower from Brees gave Sneen a literal last second win of 131-129. It was the first ever fantasy match-up decided on the final play of a weekend of football in two unofficial seasons of broness. Brown and Hightower won Hero of the Week honors (along with RB David Johnson of Silka's team) and Sneen avoided winning the dreaded Zero of the Week although, his RB DeMarco Murray was not quite as lucky to avoid the public shaming. Really, it just felt like it would have been too harsh for Moon to take so many L's in the same week and the Zero of the Week is usually reserved for under-performing players (Murray) and unresponsive owners (Tiffany).
The aforementioned rookie RB David Johnson exploded for 44 points in week 15 and the rest of Your GF Likes Mike Ditka (Silka's team) put up 63 points in a shocker of a loss to Team Tiffany's six active players, who dropped 130 like it was no big deal that Josh was going to avoid the Sacko somehow. Scott beat Cole by 10 and the Sacko Bowl was set as two teams with solid regular seasons and poor postseason showings were forced to battle for the title of "not last". Also, the final pairing for a new, spiffy league trophy was locked in as Spider 2 Y Banana versus Sneen Machine. As I said in WRBL Week 15's review...
"Does anybody honestly care who wins the league now that all the evil dragons (Moon, Walters, The Commish) have been slayed? I mean, I know Sneen and I do but, it's not like we're in a longtime heated rivalry or anything. We're the most cordial, non-trash talk dependent owners in the league and I know I didn't throw money into the pool so, it's probably going to be a pretty chill Sunday until one of our players gets injured. My team probably blew their wad this week by rubbing it in a bit too much in a 162-84 dominant victory over Alec's Where's Cole? Not Here just one week after putting up a lame 80 points on bye but, Sneen's team is a bit dinged up now with Drew Brees tearing his Plantar Fascia and T.J. Yeldon still on the mend. Anything could happen during Championship week, hopefully it just stays close all day to keep things exciting."
and thankfully for the sake of the league, it did.
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| The Times-Picayune One could argue that no fantasy player was more relevant to this league than Tim Hightower. |
Many different tales can be told over a fantasy football season as it lasts four months and there are so many different variables that could account for the successes and failures of each team. There are so many things that went through my head and so many players that went through my team this season that I would need to have carried around a notepad all season in order to fully explain just how unlikely it was that Spider 2 Y Banana of all teams would ultimately go on to win the second semi-official WRBL championship (or maybe ESPN could have just kept our league page up through the off-season like they have EVERY YEAR until this year as a result of their website being redesigned). I probably added and dropped Christine Michael (RB for the Cowboys, Washington and Seahawks) twenty times and did not start him once but, that was really a huge part of the Spider 2 Y Banana storyline in 2015.
 |
| "All aboard the C-Mike train!" - Me, about twenty different times this season. |
Another major part of any season is one's real life and real life was a huge part of what I will remember about this season and it all began back on Saturday, October 10th. My mother had just recently had a decreased role at her job as a result of her arthritis becoming too much to handle for a 40-hour work week and woke up that Saturday, one day after being perfectly fine and working a normal shift without much noticeably different to her health-wise, barely able to get out of bed. Throughout the day, it became increasingly clear that this wasn't just the combination of the flu and a weakened arthritic body as a result. Something was up and after spending a majority of the day with her, slipping in and out of sleep in a living room recliner, Father Todd (he's not a pastor or anything, I just often refer to him as Father Todd when talking to anyone) took her to an emergency room and they gave her a small diagnosis of which I do not recall because this happened eight months ago and sent her back home with my dad.
Whatever the weekend emergency doctors prescribed to her, those pills did not work up to expectations and she still felt miserable, unable to get out of bed or even walk through the house without assistance as a result. We gave her two more days to recover from whatever this mystery ailment was until the morning of Tuesday, October 13th. That morning, my father placed the call to have an ambulance come to the house and take her back to the emergency room as her symptoms did not magically disappear and she had barely slept a continuous ten minutes at any point over a three-and-a-half day span. It would be safe to say that Father Todd and I were freaked the fuck out. Later that day, we found out that the main cause of her discomfort at that time was a bout with pneumonia that somehow the weekend emergency room people had totally missed but, thankfully she finally had one answer for her condition at the time.
That was not the end of this story though, as there was a list of other problems that had caused this sudden nearly-crippling affect on her abilities. Pneumonia, a blood clot around her lungs, rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis (both she had previously known about), back spasms, an infection and bed sores (as a result of a two-week stay in a hospital where she probably did not move around as much as she should have) made this a winter-long adventure that I would not recommend to anybody. After a two-week stay in said hospital, she was transferred to a recovery center once the pneumonia was out of her system so that she could still have nurses around her 24/7 to help care for her bed sores. After two months of bouncing around from hospital to recovery center, unable to walk on her own or even get out of bed on her own, one doctor had finally figured out what was causing the severe back spasms that she had experienced prior to the pneumonia but, had only gotten more and more intense during her stays in the hospital and said recovery center. It took another unexpected trip to the emergency room in the middle of a weekday in order for this to happen.
As it turned out, she needed a spinal realignment surgery in addition to all of the things that had already been piled up on her list of ailments. The surgery was a success and she gained a ton of mobility back as she recovered from her surgery in Wausau. It was the week of Christmas when she finally had this operation finally done but, with all of the bad news we kept getting ("As it turns out she has pneumonia", "Oh, by the way, blood clot", "the medicine she was taking for her arthritis made it so that her body did not recognize how much of a problem her back was sooner"), I just assumed that there would be another thing in the way of finally bringing her back to her home even though I, at the same time, thought that there was no way this could get much worse for her or stressful for my father. Seemingly, my only escape from worrying about my mom being transferred to another hospital or having her condition worsen was this stupidly awesome fantasy game that we all played this season. Never before had this game had so much significance in my life. I took each loss harder than I had ever before (don't get me started on how I benched Russell Wilson for Ryan Tannehill TWICE just as he was turning into an MVP candidate) and I took each victory as a sign that everything was going to be okay. It was a bizarre couple of months for the Todd family and winning the Bro League really made my optimistic attitude toward everything (that coincided with my dad's extreme stress at the time) feel validated in some ridiculous way.
It still took another transfer to another recovery facility for two more months along with the rehabilitation of basically gaining back the strength to walk again for her to come back home. She still needs the assistance of a walker and does have a nurse come to her every week as there is still a wound to be taken care of from the surgery but, as long as she is back home, we'll all gladly take it over where she was back in October. She has made it through this whole ordeal and my dad has made it through this whole ordeal and if I can have the determination that my mother has had through this, I can overcome anything, even a 30-point game from Tim fucking Hightower.
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| Taken on Mother's Day. I told her not to blink. Apparently, she has my sense of humor. |
The Aschebrook family graciously hosted this year's WRBL Bro Ha Ha (as opposed to Bru Ha Ha) and after a long day and night of bro-ing out, watching football, eating pizza and my car door getting frozen shut, Cole Walters was crowned the winner of the Sacko. Don't ask me how this happened when Tiffany had the year that he did but, Alex Silka defeated Cole 142-129 and despite having more points than either team in the finals, Cole won the award for last place. He still disagrees with this title but, league rule #62 states "Fuck you Cole". I didn't write the rule book, I am simply a messenger of sorts. I also won the championship by two points in one of the closest, most exciting and (overused word alert!) EPIC finals the league may ever see. 126-124 was the final and it was all thanks to my wonderful team of wonderful people and a fluky Rams win over Seattle highlighted by Todd Gurley rushing for a 4th quarter goal line touchdown, clinching my victory. Nick and I played 2K with Scott until 3 AM and I got to go home with the trophy (Thank you again to our commissioner Scott Aschebrook). In case you needed any more evidence that this game is incredibly fluky, if I would have started RB Charcandrick West (who I had for a few weeks consecutively and gotten positive results) instead of giving RB James White his first and only start of the season, Sneen would have taken home the trophy.
In the NFL, the final two weeks played out and the playoffs were set with Washington, Green Bay, Minnesota, Seattle, Carolina and Arizona representing the NFC and Kansas City, Houston, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, New England and Denver representing the AFC. The Denver Broncos went on to face the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50 and Peyton Manning got to walk away, while shoving more endorsements in our face, with one last Super Bowl ring in a really annoying/dull Super Bowl. I guess after the triumphant week 16 of Spider 2 Y Banana, nothing was going to live up to that hype.
I hope we have all learned that this game (as dumb and fluky as it may be) is super fun whether you win or not (ok, it's more fun when I win but, seriously...) and that all ten of us should come back and do it again next year so that we don't have to tear down the Berlin Wall only to re-stack the bricks six months later again. I'd like to somebody else win this trophy next year (I don't have a great place to put it and my off-season plan of taking photos of it in random places is an assignment I should not have given myself as I keep forgetting to bring it on road trips with me) just so that somebody else can know the joy of winning and WAKING UP IN A NEW BUGATTI because, I'm such a giving person that way (-tears up at self-). In all seriousness, this league was dope and you guys are dope so, see ya next year.... losers.
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| Blurry final photo of the trophy in 2015. |
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| First photo of the trophy in 2016. |
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| Cole bows to the trophy for good luck and forgiveness. |
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| I take the trophy on a road trip. |
 |
| The trophy meets the ELITE Grandmother Todd. |
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| The trophy goes for a spin. |
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| The trophy celebrates St. Patrick's Day. |
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| The trophy acknowledges the commissioner's birthday. |
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| The trophy conceals an egg for Easter. |
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| I acknowledge Sneen's birthday with the trophy and eat a piece of cake in his honor. |
1. All of life's hardships.
2. DraftKings.com sponsored by FanDuel.com.
3. Jonathan Papelbon's existence.
4. Replacement referees.
5. Nancy Kerrigan screaming "WHYYY?!"
6. All these &#*$%@$*%&#$ snakes on this $&$^*%&@^#%$&* plane!
7. Greg Hardy's attitude.
8. Whatever happened to the 49ers.
9. The ladybug apocalypse of 2015.
10. Thursday Night Football.
11. A turkey-less Thanksgiving.
12. Britney Spears' 2007 VMA "Comeback".
13. DeSean Jackson's punt return awareness.
14. Controversial rules.
15. The semi-underwhelming Fargo finale.
16. Balks.
 |
| NONONONONONO YESYESYES... NOOO!!! |
Divisional Names by Week in 2015
1. Itchy & Scratchy
2. Siskel & Ebert
3. SVP & Rusillo
4. Arrieta & Cole
5. Simon & Garfunkel
6. Timon & Pumbaa
7. O'Neal & Barkley
8. Herbstreit & Fowler
9. Thelma & Louise
10. ESPN & FoxSports1
11. Mac & Cheese
12. Arnold & Gerald
13. Last Name, London & First Name, Theophilus
14. -No divisional update due to PLAYOFFS-
15. -PLAYOFFS-
16. -PLAYOFFS-
Year in Review. Dark Side of the Moon & The Wall
NOTE: All evidence of the draft was deleted by ESPN. It would have been posted here had the league page stayed up through the off-season.
Final Standings
1st - Spider 2 Y Banana (Andy Todd)
2nd - Sneen Machine (Tyler Sneen)
3rd - The Donald (Evan Moon)
4th - Where's Cole? Not Here (Alec Swanson)
5th - Cole Top, Moon Bottom (Nick Zurawski)
6th - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds (Darrin Aschebrook)
7th - Bilbo Unable To Braggins (Scott Aschebrook)
8th - Team Tiffany (Josh Tiffany)
9th - Your GF Likes Mike Ditka (Alex Silka)
10th - John, Can I Use The Suburban? (Cole Walters)
Team-by-Team Results
Key: Opponent (Name at time of match-up), Result. It's really that simple.
Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 6th, 7-6
Week 1 - Team Tiffany W 122-113
Week 2 - Columbia Lions W 114-95
Week 3 - Team Moon W 160-114
Week 4 - Scott's Winless Issue Tissues W 117-93
Week 5 - Sneen Machine W 133-118
Week 6 - Harder Better Foster Stronger W 154-130
Week 7 - Spider 2 Y Banana L 100-150
Week 8 - Show Stoppers L 89-148
Week 9 - Sneen Machine L 134-181
Week 10 - Team Silka L 69-79
Week 11 - Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness L 96-102
Week 12 - 50 Shades of Ginger L 110-158
Week 13 - Bilbo Unable To Braggins W 112-110
Week 14 - #4 Sneen Machine L 76-118
Week 15 - #3 Cole Top, Moon Bottom W 129-124
Week 16 - #3 Cole Top, Moon Bottom L 82-109
Bilbo Unable To Braggins (Scott Aschebrook) 7th, 3-10
Week 1 - Team Moon L 80-82
Week 2 - Team Silka L 103-142
Week 3 - Sneen Machine L 104-111
Week 4 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds L 93-117
Week 5 - Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness W 133-106
Week 6 - Team Tiffany L 112-134
Week 7 - Arian Foster's Achilles Heel W 136-114
Week 8 - Spider 2 Y Banana L 124-147
Week 9 - Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness W 129-112
Week 10 - Team Moon L 87-138
Week 11 - Show Stoppers L 90-101
Week 12 - Sneen Machine L 92-103
Week 13 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds L 110-112
Week 14 - #10 Team Tiffany W 112-88
Week 15 - #8 John, Can I Use The Suburban? W 118-108
Week 16 - #10 Team Tiffany W 128-51
The Donald (Evan Moon) 3rd, 9-4
Week 1 - Team Aschebrook W 82-80
Week 2 - Sneen Machine L 83-126
Week 3 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds L 114-160
Week 4 - Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness L 110-124
Week 5 - Harder Better Foster Stronger L 109-147
Week 6 - Spider 2 Y Banana W 144-106
Week 7 - Show Stoppers W 127-102
Week 8 - Team Silka W 128-91
Week 9 - Team Tiffany W 111-95
Week 10 - Bilbo Unable To Braggins W 138-87
Week 11 - Sneen Machine W 87-70
Week 12 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds W 158-110
Week 13 - Cole Top, Moon Bottom W 145-89
Week 14 - -BYE WEEK-
Week 15 - #4 Sneen Machine L 129-131
Week 16 - #6 Where's Cole? Not Here W 174-96
Your GF Likes Mike Ditka (Alex Silka) 9th, 7-6
Week 1 - Team Swanson W 116-102
Week 2 - Team Aschebrook W 142-103
Week 3 - Spider 2 Y Banana L 82-135
Week 4 - Team Tiffany W 76-74
Week 5 - Show Stoppers L 83-122
Week 6 - Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness L 115-142
Week 7 - Sneen Machine L 45-93
Week 8 - Team Moon L 91-128
Week 9 - Arian Foster's Achilles Heel L 67-114
Week 10 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds W 79-69
Week 11 - Spider 2 Y Banana W 106-102
Week 12 - Team Tiffany W 151-62
Week 13 - John, Can I Use The Suburban? W 142-104
Week 14 - #8 John, Can I Use The Suburban? L 118-120
Week 15 - #10 Team Tiffany L 107-130
Week 16 - #8 John, Can I Use The Suburban? W 142-129
Sneen Machine (Tyler Sneen) 2nd, 8-5
Week 1 - Columbia Lions L 132-157
Week 2 - Team Moon W 126-83
Week 3 - Team Aschebrook W 111-104
Week 4 - Spider 2 Y Banana W 100-94
Week 5 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds L 118-133
Week 6 - Show Stoppers L 99-105
Week 7 - Team Silka W 93-45
Week 8 - Team Tiffany W 146-105
Week 9 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds W 181-134
Week 10 - Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness L 108-136
Week 11 - Team Moon L 70-87
Week 12 - Bilbo Unable To Braggins W 103-92
Week 13 - Carolina Loves Romo W 133-83
Week 14 - #5 Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds W 118-76
Week 15 - #1 The Donald W 131-129
Week 16 - #2 Spider 2 Y Banana L 124-126
Where's Cole? Not Here (Alec Swanson) 4th, 7-6
Week 1 - Team Silka L 102-116
Week 2 - Spider 2 Y Banana W 115-111
Week 3 - Team Tiffany W 145-104
Week 4 - Show Stoppers W 106-84
Week 5 - Team Moon W 147-109
Week 6 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds L 130-154
Week 7 - Bilbo Unable To Braggins L 114-136
Week 8 - Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness W 130-101
Week 9 - Team Silka W 114-67
Week 10 - Spider 2 Y Banana L 73-139
Week 11 - Team Tiffany W 109-67
Week 12 - John, Can I Use The Suburban? L 136-143
Week 13 - Sneen Machine L 83-133
Week 14 - #3 Cole Top, Moon Bottom W 148-128
Week 15 - #2 Spider 2 Y Banana L 84-162
Week 16 - #1 The Donald L 97-174
Team Tiffany (Josh Tiffany) 8th, 1-12
Week 1 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds L 113-122
Week 2 - Frick The Haters L 78-83
Week 3 - Team Swanson L 104-145
Week 4 - Team Silka L 74-76
Week 5 - Spider 2 Y Banana L 75-109
Week 6 - Bilbo Unable To Braggins W 134-112
Week 7 - Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness W 139-132
Week 8 - Sneen Machine L 105-146
Week 9 - Team Moon L 95-111
Week 10 - Show Stoppers L 87-144
Week 11 - Arian Foster's Achilles Heel L 67-109
Week 12 - Team Silka L 62-151
Week 13 - Spider 2 Y Banana L 88-127
Week 14 - #9 Bilbo Unable To Braggins L 88-112
Week 15 - #7 Your GF Likes Mike Ditka W 130-107
Week 16 - #9 Bilbo Unable To Braggins L 51-128
Spider 2 Y Banana (Andy Todd) CHAMPION!, 8-5
Week 1 - Frick The Haters W 166-136
Week 2 - Team Swanson L 111-115
Week 3 - Team Silka W 135-82
Week 4 - Sneen Machine L 94-100
Week 5 - Team Tiffany W 109-75
Week 6 - Team Moon L 106-144
Week 7 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds W 150-100
Week 8 - Bilbo Unable To Braggins W 147-124
Week 9 - Show Stoppers W 144-123
Week 10 - Arian Foster's Achilles Heel W 139-73
Week 11 - Team Silka L 102-106
Week 12 - Moon's Microdong L 105-131
Week 13 - Team Tiffany W 127-88
Week 14 - -BYE WEEK-
Week 15 - #6 Where's Cole? Not Here W 162-84
Week 16 - #4 Sneen Machine W 126-124
John, Can I Use The Suburban? (Cole Walters) SACKO!, 7-6
Week 1 - Spider 2 Y Banana L 136-166
Week 2 - Team Tiffany W 83-78
Week 3 - Nick's Mopey Team of Sadness L 94-124
Week 4 - Team Swanson L 84-106
Week 5 - Team Silka W 122-83
Week 6 - Sneen Machine W 105-99
Week 7 - Team Moon L 102-127
Week 8 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds W 148-89
Week 9 - Spider 2 Y Banana L 123-144
Week 10 - Team Tiffany W 144-87
Week 11 - Bilbo Unable To Braggins W 101-90
Week 12 - Carolina Loves Romo W 143-136
Week 13 - Your GF Likes Mike Ditka L 104-142
Week 14 - #7 Your GF Likes Mike Ditka W 120-118
Week 15 - #9 Bilbo Unable To Braggins L 108-118
Week 16 - #7 Your GF Likes Mike Ditka L 129-142
Cole Top, Moon Bottom (Nick Zurawski) 5th, 8-5
Week 1 - Sneen Machine W 157-132
Week 2 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds L 95-114
Week 3 - Frick The Haters W 124-94
Week 4 - Team Moon W 124-110
Week 5 - Bilbo Unable To Braggins L 106-133
Week 6 - Team Silka W 142-115
Week 7 - Team Tiffany W 139-132
Week 8 - Arian Foster's Achilles Heel L 101-130
Week 9 - Bilbo Unable To Braggins L 112-129
Week 10 - Sneen Machine W 136-108
Week 11 - Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds W 102-96
Week 12 - Spider 2 Y Banana W 131-105
Week 13 - 50 Shades of Ginger L 89-145
Week 14 - #6 Where's Cole? Not Here L 128-148
Week 15 - #5 Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds L 124-129
Week 16 - #5 Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds W 109-82
Player Scoring By Team
Key: * = Scored for another team as well.
Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds
QB - Aaron Rodgers 274
QB - Blake Bortles* 13
RB - Devonta Freeman 268
RB - Matt Forte 179
RB - Frank Gore 95
RB - Dion Lewis 58
RB - Spencer Ware 20
RB - Ryan Mathews 11
RB - Rashad Jennings 7
RB - Darren Sproles 6
WR - Emmanuel Sanders 183
WR - Donte Moncrief 90
WR - Marvin Jones 75
WR - Stevie Johnson* 47
WR - Danny Amendola* 22
WR - Sammy Watkins* 22
WR - Mike Wallace 18
TE - Jimmy Graham 117
TE - Benajmin Watson* 28
TE - Richard Rodgers 9
K - Mason Crosby 112
K - Dustin Hopkins 7
DF - Seattle Seahawks 119
DF - Philadelphia Eagles* 17
Bilbo Unable To Braggins
QB - Carson Palmer 214
QB - Tyrod Taylor 61
QB - Ryan Tannehill* 11
RB - Lamar Miller* 185
RB - Darren McFadden 109
RB - Jamaal Charles 96
RB - Marshawn Lynch* 62
RB - Thomas Rawls 37
RB - Karlos Williams* 16
RB - Joseph Randle 13
RB - Chris Johnson* 7
RB - Arian Foster* 4
WR - Sammy Watkins* 85
WR - Dez Bryant 64
WR - Larry Fitzgerald* 60
WR - Jeremy Maclin 50
WR - Stefon Diggs 34
WR - Vincent Jackson* 34
WR - Brandon LaFell 32
WR - Golden Tate* 30
WR - Demaryius Thomas* 13
WR - Travis Benjamin* 12
WR - A.J. Green* 11
WR - Stevie Johnson* 7
WR - Brandon Coleman 6
WR - Rishard Matthews* 2
TE - Antonio Gates 123
TE - Dwayne Allen 10
TE - Benjamin Watson* 9
TE - Eric Ebron 5
TE - Kyle Rudolph 5
TE - Austin Seferian-Jenkins 4
TE - Vernon Davis 3
K - Stephen Gostkowski 168
K - Dan Carpenter 5
DF - Arizona Cardinals* 111
DF - Houston Texans* 12
DF - Buffalo Bills* 6
The Donald
QB - Philip Rivers 220
QB - Sam Bradford 40
RB - Adrian Peterson 234
RB - Latavius Murray 149
RB - Jeremy Hill 49
WR - Brandon Marshall 241
WR - Allen Robinson 221
WR - Mike Evans 162
WR - John Brown 60
WR - Davante Adams 17
WR - Charles Johnson 4
TE - Greg Olsen 183
TE - Zach Ertz 30
K - Blair Walsh 116
K - Dan Bailey 37
DF - Minnesota Vikings 58
DF - New York Jets* 44
DF - Arizona Cardinals 43
Your GF Likes Mike Ditka
QB - Russell Wilson 302
RB - DeAngelo Williams 188
RB - David Johnson 106
RB - Eddie Lacy 102
RB - Theo Riddick* 30
RB - Isaiah Crowell 23
RB - Andre Ellington 18
RB - Alfred Morris 14
WR - Calvin Johnson 223
WR - Julian Edelman 168
WR - Danny Amendola* 49
WR - Tyler Lockett 37
WR - Torrey Smith 9
WR - Roddy White 3
TE - Jordan Cameron 60
TE - Coby Fleener 24
K - Robbie Gould 92
K - Cody Parkey 16
DF - Denver Broncos 176
Sneen Machine
QB - Drew Brees 261
QB - Colin Kaepernick 13
QB - Tony Romo* 13
RB - DeMarco Murray 149
RB - Justin Forsett 114
RB - T.J. Yeldon 95
RB - Tim Hightower 42
RB - Javorius Allen* 21
RB - Shane Vereen 20
WR - Antonio Brown 343
WR - Eric Decker 149
WR - Jordan Matthews 90
WR - Martavis Bryant 89
WR - Steve Smith Sr. 77
TE - Martellus Bennett 105
TE - Julius Thomas 68
K - Justin Tucker 126
K - Caleb Sturgis 11
DF - St. Louis Rams 95
DF - Miami Dolphins* 4
DF - Baltimore Ravens* 2
Where's Cole? Not Here
QB - Matt Ryan 138
QB - Blake Bortles* 122
QB - Derek Carr* 13
RB - Doug Martin 172
RB - Arian Foster* 69
RB - Lamar Miller* 28
RB - Antonio Andrews 26
RB - Marshawn Lynch* 17
RB - Ronnie Hillman 15
RB - Chris Johnson* 11
RB - Shaun Draughn 10
RB - Lance Dunbar 5
WR - A.J. Green* 248
WR - Demaryius Thomas* 204
WR - Alshon Jeffery 155
WR - Amari Cooper 75
WR - Larry Fitzgerald* 71
WR - Travis Benjamin* 6
WR - Willie Snead 5
WR - Ted Ginn Jr. 1
TE - Tyler Eifert 172
TE - Zach Miller 25
TE - Charles Clay* 5
K - Brandon McManus 98
K - Josh Lambo 9
K - Adam Vinatieri -1
DF - Carolina Panthers* 130
DF - Atlanta Falcons* 13
DF - Arizona Cardinals* 1
DF - Baltimore Ravens* -3
Team Tiffany
QB - Cam Newton 259
QB - Peyton Manning 57
RB - Danny Woodhead 216
RB - Jonathan Stewart 155
RB - C.J. Anderson 34
WR - Keenan Allen 157
WR - Rishard Matthews* 68
WR - Tavon Austin 10
WR - Marques Colston 6
TE - Jason Witten 140
TE - Gary Barnidge 138
K - Steven Hauschka 129
DF - New England Patriots 95
DF - Green Bay Packers -1
2015 Champion Spider 2 Y Banana
QB - Tom Brady 331
QB - Blake Bortles* 18
RB - Todd Gurley 152
RB - Charcandrick West 83
RB - Carlos Hyde 73
RB - Duke Johnson Jr. 41
RB - Ameer Abdullah 26
RB - James Starks 20
RB - James White 13
RB - Branden Oliver 12
RB - Tevin Coleman* 9
RB - Matt Jones 1
WR - Julio Jones 344
WR - Randall Cobb 174
WR - Brandin Cooks 142
WR - Kendall Wright 41
WR - Vincent Jackson* 14
WR - James Jones 14
TE - Delanie Walker 216
TE - Charles Clay* 20
TE - Jared Cook 9
K - Chandler Catanzaro 118
K - Andrew Franks 14
K - Kai Forbath 3
DF - Cincinnati Bengals* 52
DF - Philadelphia Eagles* 39
DF - Atlanta Falcons* 9
DF - Miami Dolphins* 7
John, Can I Use The Suburban?
QB - Eli Manning 127
QB - Ben Roethlisberger 92
QB - Andy Dalton 23
QB - Tony Romo* 6
RB - Chris Ivory 181
RB - LeSean McCoy 169
RB - Jeremy Langford 73
RB - Melvin Gordon 36
RB - Theo Riddick* 21
RB - Javorius Allen* 17
RB - Karlos Williams* 15
RB - Bishop Sankey 4
WR - Odell Beckham Jr. 302
WR - T.Y. Hilton 148
WR - Larry Fitzgerald* 74
WR - Malcom Floyd 26
WR - Rueben Randle 26
WR - Michael Floyd 17
TE - Travis Kelce 134
TE - Jordan Reed 87
K - Matt Bryant 68
K - Nick Novak 44
DF - Houston Texans* 59
DF - Buffalo Bills* 41
DF - Pittsburgh Steelers 34
DF - Cincinnati Bengals* 8
Cole Top, Moon Bottom
QB - Andrew Luck 112
QB - Ryan Tannehill* 58
QB - Derek Carr* 36
QB - Brian Hoyer 14
QB - Alex Smith 13
RB - Mark Ingram 193
RB - Giovani Bernard 75
RB - LeGarrette Blount 33
RB - Denard Robinson 26
RB - Tevin Coleman* 9
RB - Brandon Bolden 6
RB - Alfred Blue 5
WR - DeAndre Hopkins 307
WR - Jarvis Landry 252
WR - Doug Baldwin 52
WR - Pierre Garcon 48
WR - Golden Tate* 47
WR - Kamar Aiken 38
WR - Andre Johnson 11
WR - DeSean Jackson 4
TE - Rob Gronkowski 245
TE - Scott Chandler 16
TE - Larry Donnell 8
K - Josh Brown 51
K - Cairo Santos 27
K - Matt Prater 19
K - Graham Gano 16
DF - New York Jets* 51
DF - Carolina Panthers* 26
DF - Chicago Bears 8
DF - Indianapolis Colts 1
DF - Baltimore Ravens* -3
DF - Cleveland Browns -3
DF - Philadelphia Eagles* -4
Heroes of the Week
1 - WR Julio Jones, TE Rob Gronkowski, WR DeAndre Hopkins
2 - WR Larry Fitzgerald, WR Antonio Brown, WR Julian Edelman
3 - WR A.J. Green, WR Steve Smith Sr., RB Devonta Freeman
4 - RB Devonta Freeman, WR Vincent Jackson, RB Le'Veon Bell
5 - RB Doug Martin, RB Devonta Freeman, TE Antonio Gates
6 - WR DeAndre Hopkins, RB Devonta Freeman, WR Keenan Allen
7 - RB Lamar Miller, RB Danny Woodhead, RB Todd Gurley
8 - QB Drew Brees, WR Odell Beckham Jr., QB Eli Manning
9 - WR Antonio Brown, RB DeAngelo Williams, RB Lamar Miller
10 - WR Antonio Brown, RB Jeremy Langford, RB Charcandrick West
11 - QB Cam Newton, WR DeAndre Hopkins, QB Russell Wilson
12 - WR Calvin Johnson, WR Jarvis Landry, QB Russell Wilson
13 - WR Allen Robinson, WR Antonio Brown, QB Cam Newton
14 - WR Odell Beckham Jr., WR Doug Baldwin, QB Russell Wilson
15 - WR Antonio Brown, RB David Johnson, RB Tim Hightower
16 - DF Arizona Cardinals, RB DeAngelo Williams, TE Jordan Reed
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| Ronald Martinez/Getty Images Much like Thee Wisconsin Chowhounds, Devonta Freeman had a great start to the year before falling apart. |
Zeros of the Week
1 - K Adam Vinatieri, WR Sammy Watkins, WR DeSean Jackson
2 - WR Roddy White, RB Jeremy Hill, WR Mike Evans
3 - WR Roddy White, RB Chris Ivory, K Andrew Franks
4 - Josh Tiffany, DF Philadelphia Eagles, Lions Head Coach Jim Caldwell
5 - TE Owen Daniels, WR Percy Harvin, DF Baltimore Ravens
6 - WR Tyler Lockett, RB Melvin Gordon, DF Buffalo Bills
7 - RB Isaiah Crowell, WR Torrey Smith, Alex Silka
8 - RB Andre Ellington, DF New York Jets, Former Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt
9 - RB Eddie Lacy, K Robbie Gould, Alex Silka
10 - RB Antonio Andrews, WR Emmanuel Sanders, Josh Tiffany
11 - Josh Tiffany, NFL referees, College football referees
12 - DF St. Louis Rams, Josh Tiffany, WR Rishard Matthews
13 - DF St. Louis Rams, WR Stevie Johnson, DF Houston Texans
14 - Josh Tiffany, DF Atlanta Falcons, The injury gods
15 - RB DeMarco Murray, WR Danny Amendola, DF Carolina Panthers
16 - K Mason Crosby, DF Philadelphia Eagles, Josh Tiffany
End-of-season Awards
First Team All-Bro
QB - Tom Brady (Andy Todd)
RB - Devonta Freeman (Darrin Aschebrook)
RB - Adrian Peterson (Evan Moon)
WR - Julio Jones (Andy Todd)
WR - Antonio Brown (Tyler Sneen)
TE - Rob Gronkowski (Nick Zurawski)
FLEX - DeAndre Hopkins (Nick Zurawski)
K - Stephen Gostkowski (Scott Aschebrook)
D/ST - Denver Broncos (Alex Silka)
Second Team All-Bro
QB - Russell Wilson (Alex Silka)
RB - Danny Woodhead (Josh Tiffany)
RB - Lamar Miller (Alec Swanson/Scott Aschebrook)
WR - Odell Beckham Jr. (Cole Walters)
WR - A.J. Green (Scott Aschebrook/Alec Swanson)
TE - Delanie Walker (Andy Todd)
FLEX - Jarvis Landry (Nick Zurawski)
K - Steven Hauschka (Josh Tiffany)
D/ST - Carolina Panthers (Nick Zurawski/Alec Swanson)
Voted on by the people
WRBL Rookie of the Year - RB Todd Gurley (Andy Todd)
WRBL Draft Bust of the Year - #1 overall pick RB Eddie Lacy (Alex Silka)
The Waiver Wonder of the Year - QB Blake Bortles (3 different teams)
WRBL Comeback Player of the Year - RB Danny Woodhead (Josh Tiffany)
Voted on by the people
WRBL Rookie of the Year - RB Todd Gurley (Andy Todd)
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| Artist rendering of Todd Gurley, Rookie of the Year winner for 2015 champions, Spider 2 Y Banana. |
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| Apparently the 2015 WRBL Draft Bust of the Year, Eddie Lacy, HAS gotten back into shape this off-season. |
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Brian Blanco/Associated Press
Hopefully along with Waiver Wonder Blake Bortles, the color rush jerseys will return for all 16 weeks in 2016. |
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Photo by: Nathan Rupert, San Diego Shooter
Woodhead returned from a torn ACL to score 216 points and land the Comeback Player of the Year award. |
Zero of the Year - Josh Tiffany, Owner of Team Tiffany
NOTE: The MVP Award will always go to a player on the winning team.
MVP (Chosen by the league champion as it was last season when Nick won, I asked him via text in mid-June who he thought his MVP was and he replied "Hmm... DeMarco Murray?") - TE Delanie Walker
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Charles Krupa, STF
Many thought that Walker would have a nice year. Nobody saw 216 points coming
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Trades That Occurred
Preseason: Scott traded RB Carlos Hyde & WR Demaryius Thomas to Andy for RB Jamaal Charles & WR Golden Tate.
Scott traded RB Adrian Peterson, WR Brandon Marshall & TE Greg Olsen to Moon for RB Arian Foster, WR Julio Jones & TE Dwayne Allen.
Scott traded WR Julio Jones to Andy for WR Demaryius Thomas.
Week 1: Scott traded WR's A.J. Green, Demaryius Thomas, Larry Fitzgerald & Terrance Williams to Alec for RB Marshawn Lynch & WR Dez Bryant.
Week 4: Scott's dad traded WR Sammy Watkins to Scott for WR Stevie Johnson.
Week 5: Scott traded RB Arian Foster, RB Karlos Williams & WR Travis Benjamin to Alec for RB Lamar Miller, WR's Jeremy Maclin & Larry Fitzgerald.
Scott traded WR Rishard Matthews & TE Gary Barnidge to Josh for RB Joseph Randle & TE Antonio Gates.
Week 11: Scott traded WR Larry Fitzgerald and a 2016 5th round draft pick to Cole for WR Rueben Randle and a 2016 3rd round draft pick.
LITERALLY not one trade did not include Scott. I'd say he went 2-6 on these deals.
"I'm getting a strange vibe that [The draft] is not going to happen tonight. I could be wrong though. 3 AM drafts are all the rage" - Andy Todd
""I don't have a dog in this fight" - Michael Vick" - Scott Aschebrook
"Scott is a thug... Boom Shaka Laka" - Cole Walters
"You guys are a bunch of assholes!" - Aschebrook Sr. after randomly getting the 10th pick of 10 in the draft order.
"Because I'll have [then-injured Dez Bryant] for the playoffs along with Marshawn Lynch!" - Scott
"Can I vote John Cena? What if John Cena wins?" - Cole
"tbh I'm not sure why I thought naming my team after Moon's microdong wouldn't cause performance issues" - Nick Zurawski
"I think the trophy should literally be called the "whoever wins the championship the trophy is named after them like the Lombardi" trophy" - Z
"Babies are like trophies from that one time two people banged. I won a trophy from a fantasy football league and it doesn't vomit, poop or bitch nearly as much" - Andy
"I WOKE UP IN A NEW BUGATTI" - Future
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