Wisconsin Rapids Bro League
Our ninth official season of blaming Cole Walters for morally sketchy individuals making good art.
Bro...
The Rams and Bengals better be careful because there is a new curse causing a stir in the football world... The Buck/Aikman curse. Going back to Week 15 of the 2022 season, we've seen Kyler Murray, Damar Hamlin, Aaron Rodgers and now, Nick Chubb go down with life-altering Monday night injuries that have us wondering if any of the four will play in a regular season game any time soon. The fear of this curse carrying a fifth week have already weary owners like Nick Zurawski wondering if it's even worth it to finally stick stud rookie wide receiver Puka Nacua into his lineup at the risk of watching Cooper Kupp 2.0 get sacrificed live on national television. For Cole, it can't get much worse than Tee Higgins going from 0.0 in the 96ers' week one win to 28.9 on his week 2 bench during a loss so Higgins will just stay there in case he falls prey whilst reaching for an errant Joe Burrow pass attempt. Speaking of Burrow, if he plays on a bad calf there's no doubt that he's the odds on favorite to leave early during the second of a Monday night doubleheader (I don't know why we're doing this for multiple weeks but it has my full support). Consider yourself warned, Gabe Stoltz. As a new subscriber of the NFL's Sunday Ticket... here are my takeaways from the boatloads of football I saw this weekend...
- That's the type of game Daniel Jones needs to have to prevent the Giants from flirting with trading up in the 2024 NFL draft.
- A.J. Dillon needs to learn how to stand up. That was an otherwise extremely well-played Packer-Falcon game with one bad Desmond Ridder half and a few very off-putting Dillon carries.
- The big difference between Arizona's poor offense and the Steelers is that Pittsburgh has no idea what the hell they are supposed to ask Kenny Pickett or Najee Harris to do. George Pickens bailed their offense out in a similar manner to how Garrett Wilson saves the Jets' face week in and week out.
- Do the Chiefs have the best defense now? No but, they will be a top two all-around team with Dallas by the end of the season if the receivers naturally grow into their roles. Miami is in consideration too once Jalen Ramsey is healthy and Xavien Howard quits trying to break my record of women simultaneously impregnated (nice try, X).
- Speaking of Miami... *DOLPHIN SCREECH* Tua is MVP favorite. Very cool to see. 1 like = 1 prayer for health.
- Tampa Bay is shockingly competent with Baker Mayfield being the only QB to take fewer hits (in the backfield) than Tua so far. It's a very small sample size but they have the defensive pieces in line to win a hilariously competitive NFC South.
- I love New Orleans' passing game and just wish Sean Payton were still coaching that team instead of wasting his time in Denver creating nothing besides headlines. I don't even think Russell Wilson has been bad considering what's around him now but, it's still an ugly team that needs more than one Hail Mary to undo their bad vibes that started the minute Tim Patrick went down again.
- What is Frank Reich doing? Why has Andy Dalton been substituted for multiple ___ and 1s? He isn't Jacoby Brissett in terms of build and he's certainly not Cam Newton in terms of mobility. Bryce Young supposedly isn't fully healthy (which might explain his very DAVID Carr-like performance so far) but if that were the case, why would you even waste the kid at all? Reich might be a one-and-done if he doesn't get this looking respectable by the trade deadline or before Adam Thielen (Young's only safety blanket out there) gets hurt.
- The Bills are BACK. More James Cook! The Jets are DEAD. Bring in Colt McCoy!
Before we get to a week three where we can blame Cole Walters for things like convincing Alec to drop Tua Tagovailoa onto waivers so that Nick might pull the ultimate homer move and pick the MVP favorite off waivers, here's the summary of things we blamed Cole for in 2022...
Things we blamed Cole Walters for in 2022
1. Spitting on Chris Pine.
2. Haribo Gummy Bears' after effects.
3. Adam Levine's texting etiquette.
4. The emergence of another social media service.
5. My car taking a Cal Raleigh-sized dumper as I turned off the highway.
6. Using ayahuasca instead of studying.
7. 80% of the ocean being unexplored.
8. Overly complicated Halloween costumes.
9. Back-shoulder fades to David Bakhtiari on 4th down.
10. Inflation.
11. Fruit flies.
12. My typo on Week 11's title.
13. My first time getting pulled over.
14. Nick forgetting to update the ESPN settings again.
15. Nepo Babies.
16. Ice patches on the morning roads.
To quote Pretenders' lead singer Chrissie Hynde, "Don't get me wroooooong"... a lot of those things were my fault but it's just more fun to point at Cole and say hey, maybe if he didn't almost get some of us shot in a Pizza Hut parking lot, none of these future actions would have transpired. Much like a butterfly effect, Jordan Addison's dog (Brett) and the Tax Paying Homeowner (Alec) are looking to burst from their proverbial 0-2 cocoons as they are potentially in do-or-die situations this week against Nick and Gabe (respectively). The Chargers and Vikings are both too good to face 0-3 themselves but alas, the odds have not been in their favor so far whether that be coaching or poor defense or a little of both and now they enter a loser-leaves-town game already. It'll be sad to see Brandon Staley end up in an advisory role for the Rams again just in time for their playoff push. Speaking of changing jobs, I'm back at the place I was working last year before I went back to the other much darker place and things are different yet improved, much like Sparky's 2023 lineup that now stars a trio of Patrick Mahomes, Justin Jefferson and George Kittle. Now, if only the two non-Jeffersons could please show up, he'd be able to dampen my 2-0 spirit a bit and the Shooter McGavin division could look a little less bleak. Oh yeah that's right, we have divisions again even though I completely neglected to place them in last week's post. It's a completely understandable error considering I'm trying to post the 2022 wrap-up one week at a time here before I eventually put it all together in one massive post while doing these but that's just my biased opinion. Nathaniel has a chance to do something very funny and put our defending champion at the bottom of the Steven Nett division for a second consecutive week (!) by sending him to 1-2 which with Jaylen Waddle questionable is entirely possible! For now, I challenge anyone to top my NFL Immaculate Grid score of 34 from this week without cheating!
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| After completing this, I eventually remembered that Punter Craig Hentrich played for both Green Bay and Tennessee and felt myself die a little. |
Official WRBL Standings
Steven Nett Division
LIVE.LAUGH.OLAVE. (Nathaniel Hoefs) 2-0 W2 (283.98)
Dad Weights and Protein Shakes (Jaime Sparkes AKA: Sparky) 1-1 L1 (245.64)
Stoltzya's Electric Orcas (Gabe Stoltz) 1-1 W1 (212.66)
Coleiveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 1-1 L1 (211)
Shooter McGavin Division
Lord Pretty Flacco Joey (Andy Todd) 2-0 W2 (269.88)
Scott's Many Endeavors (Nick Zurawski) 1-1 W1 (252.62)
Tax Paying Homeowner (Alec Swanson) 0-2 L2 (235.16)
Jordan Addison's Dog (Brett Weinfurter) 0-2 L2 (194.34)
Week Two Final Scores
ANDY defeats ALEC 135.74-130.8
HOEFS defeats BRETT 138.34-108.58
GABE defeats COLE 114.28-97.06
NICK defeats SPARKY 139.62-120.3
Heroes of the Week: WR Keenan Allen (31.1, Nick), WR Mike Evans (29.1, Andy), RB Saquon Barkley (27.2, Gabe)
Waiver Wonders: QB Daniel Jones (30.74), RB Kyren Williams (28), WR Nico Collins (27.6)
Benchwarmers of the Week: WR Puka Nacua (30.1, Nick), RB Brian Robinson (28.9, Alec), WR Tee Higgins (28.9, Cole)
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George Walker IV/Associated Press
Hero of the Week: WR Keenan Allen (Scott's Many Endeavors) |
Upcoming Week 3 Schedule for both WRBL and NFL (in CST)
HOEFS v. COLE
SPARKY v. ANDY
ALEC v. NICK
GABE v. BRETT
Thursday @ 7:15 PM: NY Giants @ San Francisco
Sunday @ NOON: LA Chargers @ Minnesota
New Orleans @ Green Bay
Denver @ Miami
Atlanta @ Detroit
Houston @ Jacksonville
Indianapolis @ Baltimore
Tennessee @ Cleveland
New England @ NY Jets
Sunday @ 3:05 PM: Carolina @ Seattle
Sunday @ 3:25 PM: Chicago @ Kansas City
Dallas @ Arizona
Sunday @ 7:20 PM: Pittsburgh @ Las Vegas
Monday @ 6:15 PM: Philadelphia @ Tampa Bay
Monday @ 7:15 PM: LA Rams @ Cincinnati
Scoring Leaders
QB
Justin Herbert 43.12 (Alec)
Patrick Mahomes 40.74 (Sparky)
Jalen Hurts 37.72 (Nick)
Josh Allen 32.7 (Cole)
Lamar Jackson 29.44 (Brett)
Justin Fields 29.28 (Hoefs)
Trevor Lawrence 26.98 (Andy)
Joe Burrow 18.56 (Gabe)
RB
Christian McCaffrey 48.4 (Alec)
Tony Pollard 42.1 (Cole)
Bijan Robinson 41.5 (Andy)
Saquon Barkley 36.5 (Gabe)
Derrick Henry 32.4 (Hoefs)
Rhamondre Stevenson 29.9 (Brett)
Rachaad White 28.2 (Andy)
Travis Etienne 27.6 (Cole)
Aaron Jones 26.7 (Sparky)
Austin Ekeler 26.4 (Gabe)
Joe Mixon 23.8 (Nick)
Nick Chubb 23.1 (Nick)
Jahmyr Gibbs 20.6 (Sparky)
James Cook 19.9 (Hoefs)
Josh Jacobs 19 (Brett)
Alexander Mattison 18.3 (Nick)
James Conner 16.6 (Gabe)
Najee Harris 10.6 (Alec)
Isiah Pacheco 8 (Gabe)
Javonte Williams 7.8 (Cole)
A.J. Dillon 7.3 (Sparky)
Dameon Pierce 6.7 (Hoefs)
WR
Tyreek Hill 59.5 (Hoefs)
Justin Jefferson 48.9 (Sparky)
Mike Evans 47.7 (Andy)
Keenan Allen 45.3 (Nick)
DeVonta Smith 40.8 (Gabe)
Stefon Diggs 39.8 (Cole)
CeeDee Lamb 37 (Sparky)
Chris Olave 33.8 (Hoefs)
Amon-Ra St. Brown 33.3 (Andy)
Davante Adams 33 (Alec)
Garrett Wilson 30.7 (Brett)
Calvin Ridley 29.3 (Andy)
Tyler Lockett 28.9 (Nick)
DK Metcalf 27.2 (Alec)
Jaylen Waddle 24.2 (Cole)
A.J. Brown 21.8 (Hoefs)
DeAndre Hopkins 21.5 (Sparky)
Chris Godwin 20.9 (Gabe)
Ja'Marr Chase 17.2 (Brett)
Michael Pittman Jr. 13.6 (Brett)
Deebo Samuel 11.3 (Brett)
Brandon Aiyuk 7.3 (Alec)
Amari Cooper 6.7 (Gabe)
D.J. Moore 4.5 (Alec)
TE
T.J. Hockenson 37.1 (Alec)
Evan Engram 21.6 (Hoefs)
Mark Andrews 15.5 (Andy)
Travis Kelce 12.6 (Nick)
David Njoku 11.2 (Brett)
George Kittle 10.9 (Sparky)
Dallas Goedert 8.2 (Gabe)
Tyler Higbee 7.9 (Nick)
Pat Freiermuth 7.3 (Cole)
Kyle Pitts 6.4 (Andy)
Luke Musgrave 4.5 (Cole)
K
Jake Elliott 29 (Hoefs)
Tyler Bass 21 (Cole)
Younghoe Koo 20 (Andy)
Justin Tucker 15 (Sparky)
Harrison Butker 13 (Alec)
Greg Zuerlein 11 (Brett)
Daniel Carlson 10 (Gabe)
Evan McPherson 9 (Nick)
Riley Patterson 7 (Brett)
DF
Dallas Cowboys 46 (Nick)
Pittsburgh Steelers 30 (Hoefs)
New York Jets 20 (Gabe)
Philadelphia Eagles 19 (Andy)
San Francisco 49ers 17 (Sparky)
Buffalo Bills 14 (Brett)
Miami Dolphins 11 (Alec)
Denver Broncos 4 (Cole)
Final Hypothetical Standings (Top 4 scorers win, bottom 4 lose, no divisions)
Live.Laugh.Olave. 2-0
Lord Pretty Flacco Joey 2-0
Scott's Many Endeavors 1-1
Dad Weights And Protein Shakes 1-1
Tax Paying Homeowner 1-1
Colieveland 96ers 1-1
Stoltzya's Electric Orcas 0-2
Jordan Addison's Dog 0-2
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