Week 15
Our 4th semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for the NFL's stupid Christmas Eve and Day scheduling this year.
Playoff Results
Round 2
#1 The Engine That Could 117 #4 Scott Bless Scott Damn 111
#3 Team Easy Breesy 161 #2 Tremendous Big League 106
#8 Team ChowHounds 115.48 #5 Launders Money With The WRPD 117.38 (First ever tiebreaker, settled by Commissioner Zurawski's math)
#7 Colieveland 96ers 122 #6 SNEEN MACHINE 123
Heroes of the Week: RB Todd Gurley (Dougherty), RB Kareem Hunt (Todd), RB Mark Ingram (Zurawski)
#7 Colieveland 96ers 122 #6 SNEEN MACHINE 123
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| Hero of the Week: RB Todd Gurley (Team Easy Breesy) |
Heroes of the Week: RB Todd Gurley (Dougherty), RB Kareem Hunt (Todd), RB Mark Ingram (Zurawski)
Upcoming Week 16 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)
Championship: #1 Andy Todd (The Engine That Could) versus #3 Ryan Dougherty (Team Easy Breesy)
MoonBak Bowl: #7 Cole Walters (Colieveland 96ers) versus #8 Darrin Aschebrook (Team ChowHounds)
Annual 3rd-Place Comissioner's Bowl: #2 Nick Zurawski (Tremendous Big League) versus #4 Scott Aschebrook (Scott Bless Scott Damn)
Butthurt Winning Losers Bowl sponsored by Preparation H: #5 Alec Swanson (Launders Money With The WRPD) versus #6 Tyler Sneen (SNEEN MACHINE)
Saturday(!): Indianapolis @ Baltimore 3:30 PM
Minnesota @ Green Bay 7:25 PM
Minnesota @ Green Bay 7:25 PM
Sunday: Cleveland @ Chicago NOON
Detroit @ Cincinnati NOON
Detroit @ Cincinnati NOON
LA Rams @ Tennessee NOON
Miami @ Kansas City NOON
Buffalo @ New England NOON
Atlanta @ New Orleans NOON
LA Chargers @ NY Jets NOON
Denver @ Washington NOON
Tampa Bay @ Carolina NOON
Tampa Bay @ Carolina NOON
Jacksonville @ San Francisco 3:05 PM
Seattle @ Dallas 3:25 PM
NY Giants @ Arizona 3:25 PM
Monday (Christmas Day): Pittsburgh @ Houston 3:30 PM
Oakland @ Philadelphia 7:30 PM
Bro...
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want the team I own
Oh, to win the Shelby Bowl
Let my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you.
- Sung to the trophy from afar, Lyrics co-written by Ryan Dougherty & Andy Todd, the only two who wanted it badly enough this season.
Welcome to the Polar Express. I am your captain, Andy Todd and I may not be going anywhere with this fantasy football rando-squad MacGyver would be proud of but damn it, I might as well let down the crossbars and cross through the first round of the playoffs, blocking traffic to the championship for six anxious vehicles. Oh no, that's not enough though as this is a looooong locomotive of a season and there's another path that this seventh vehicle took that I need to pass through. Team Easy Breesy has taken a path unlike the other six teams, by being one of the four highest scoring teams every week but one (a five-game advantage over second place in the hypothetical standings). Unfortunately for Ryan, his destination (The Shelby Bowl) also lies on the other end of my railroad and this engine does not stop for oncoming vehicles, as proven by our unnecessarily loud horns and injuries overcome (Odell Beckham Jr., Chris Hogan, Aaron Rodgers I guess and apparently Greg Zuerlein). This train analogy might not have worked but fuck it, there are only so many ways to spin a Ryan-Andy final when everybody knows they are the most boring people in the league and a win by either one is just another year of nobody getting a plaque put on The Shelby itself. One question remains... Will The Engine That Could block Ryan from fully embracing the holiday spirit the same way that mid-August, hour-long train blocked me from fully embracing this football season or will Ryan just say "fuck you, you should have drafted Gurley in the first like you wanted to in a bold doubling down of your #1 pick a year ago, you coward. Did Odell even play this season? LOL. Eat turds."?. Here's a quick preview of the week ahead for each team's lineup as of 2:30 AM Saturday morning...
Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty)
QB - Drew Brees (Backup for Carson Wentz for most of season, will play mediocre Falcons' defense, on my team last year)
RB - LeSean McCoy (#5 scoring RB in WRBL, looking to improve on 11-point week 13 showing vs. New England)
RB - Todd Gurley (#2 scoring RB in WRBL, coming off a 44-point game, will play Titans, on my team last year)
WR - Mike Evans (Having worst season of his career. @Carolina)
WR - Keenan Allen (10-100-1 streak is over, returning from mysterious back injury that required him to be carted off, easy game versus Jets)
FLEX - WR Marvin Jones Jr. (Revenge potential against former team [Bengals], deep threat)
TE - Charles Clay (replacing now-on-IR Hunter Henry, 5 points 3 weeks ago against Patriots)
K - Wil Lutz (Only averaging 6 points past 3 weeks, 5 points in week 14 against Atlanta)
D/ST - Baltimore Ravens (Playing cupcake Colts on Saturday, 21 points last week)
The Engine That Could (Andy Todd)
QB - Dak Prescott (#3 QB in the league, will benefit on play-actions with Ezekiel Elliott returning from suspension, playing Seattle in Dallas)
RB - Kareem Hunt (#3 RB in scoring, scored 39 last week, playing Dolphins bad run defense)
RB - Dion Lewis (Waiver pickup this week, may occasionally lose goal line carries to Mike Gillislee, 9 points three weeks ago in same matchup [Bills])
WR - Michael Thomas (#3 WR in WRBL, coming off his two best games, should always benefit more from Brees-Thomas connections)
WR - Sterling Shepard (Scored 30 on my bench last week, will probably be covered by Patrick Peterson all game)
FLEX - RB Joe Mixon (Returning from concussion that cost him two games, ran for 100 yards in last complete game, playing Lions in Cincinnati)
TE - Travis Kelce (#1 scoring TE in league, also playing bad Miami defense)
K - Jake Elliott (Will never be Greg Zuerlein :(, Another waiver pickup this week, plays Christmas night against Raiders)
D/ST - Pittsburgh Steelers (Play Christmas day versus T.J. Yates and the Texans, Yet another waiver pickup made this week)
In other news, WE DID IT FAM!!! Cole and Darrin are back in the cage, duking it out over who should win/lose the MoonBak Bowl, just one year removed from Cole completing a 96-point comeback in last season's Shelby Bowl. Could you imagine what an entire offseason of Darrin Aschebrook "Don't Let ___ Distract You" jokes would be like? For the second season in a row, we have Scott and Nick fighting for third after Nick got smoked by Ryan last week through no real faults in Nick's lineup. It truly is our league's most underrated rivalry as the two seem to be the only one's we consider for commissioner each season and they are in charge of hosting/setting up our meetings so far. Sneen and Alec will also play this week and find out who among the league will be the bitterest knitter as the fifth-place team always feels like they never got any reward for being Most Valuable Loser.
It's the most wonderful time of the year, championship time. Best of luck to those who want to finish with a higher seed than their opponent! Stay tuned for next week's season finale.
Dak Prescott 231 (TODD)
Drew Brees 138 (DOUGHERTY)
Carson Wentz 127 (DOUGHERTY)
Aaron Rodgers 103 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
DeShaun Watson 91 (WALTERS)
Derek Carr 66 (ZURAWSKI)
Tyrod Taylor 50 (ZURAWSKI)
Jameis Winston 20 (ASCHEBROOK JR./WALTERS)
Melvin Gordon 234 (WALTERS)
Alvin Kamara 210 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Leonard Fournette 188 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Ezekiel Elliott 164 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Lamar Miller 156 (WALTERS)
Jordan Howard 139 (SWANSON)
Joe Mixon 90 (TODD)
C.J. Anderson 64 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Jay Ajayi 57 (ZURAWSKI)
Tevin Coleman 51 (SNEEN)
Duke Johnson Jr. 45 (TODD)
Alfred Morris 42 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
DeMarco Murray 41 (ZURAWSKI)
Javorius Allen 36 (ZURAWSKI/ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Dalvin Cook 27 (DOUGHERTY)
LeGarrette Blount 19 (DOUGHERTY)
DeAndre Hopkins 287 (ZURAWSKI)
Keenan Allen 211 (DOUGHERTY)
Julio Jones 210 (SNEEN)
Tyreek Hill 192 (SWANSON)
Adam Thielen 174 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Doug Baldwin 147 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Larry Fitzgerald 146 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Mike Evans 131 (DOUGHERTY)
Stefon Diggs 103 (DOUGHERTY)
Jordy Nelson 95 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
DeVante Parker 57 (SWANSON)
Pierre Garcon 46 (SNEEN)
JuJu Smith-Schuster 28 (DOUGHERTY)
DeSean Jackson 27 (WALTERS)
TE
Rob Gronkowski 204 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Zach Ertz 127 (SNEEN)
Jason Witten 69 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Jack Doyle 46 (DOUGHERTY/ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Martellus Bennett 37 (WALTERS)
Charles Clay 21 (DOUGHERTY)
Austin Seferian-Jenkins 16 (ZURAWSKI)
Jared Cook 13 (WALTERS/ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Eric Ebron 2 (WALTERS)
Wil Lutz 136 (DOUGHERTY)
Greg Zuerlein 115 (ASCHEBROOK SR./TODD)
Justin Tucker 101 (ASCHEBROOK JR./DOUGHERTY/WALTERS)
Jake Elliott 53 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Dan Bailey 42 (SWANSON/TODD)
Brandon McManus 20 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Mason Crosby 19 (ZURAWSKI)
Seattle Seahawks 87 (SWANSON/ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Carolina Panthers 58 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Philadelphia Eagles 55 (ASCHEBROOK JR./ZURAWSKI/TODD)
Kansas City Chiefs 50 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Houston Texans 43 (WALTERS/ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Pittsburgh Steelers 37 (TODD/WALTERS/SWANSON)
Oakland Raiders 13 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Dallas Cowboys 7 (SWANSON)
Launders Money With The WRPD 7-8
The Engine That Could 8-7
Scott Bless Scott Damn 6-9
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want the team I own
Oh, to win the Shelby Bowl
Let my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you.
- Sung to the trophy from afar, Lyrics co-written by Ryan Dougherty & Andy Todd, the only two who wanted it badly enough this season.
Welcome to the Polar Express. I am your captain, Andy Todd and I may not be going anywhere with this fantasy football rando-squad MacGyver would be proud of but damn it, I might as well let down the crossbars and cross through the first round of the playoffs, blocking traffic to the championship for six anxious vehicles. Oh no, that's not enough though as this is a looooong locomotive of a season and there's another path that this seventh vehicle took that I need to pass through. Team Easy Breesy has taken a path unlike the other six teams, by being one of the four highest scoring teams every week but one (a five-game advantage over second place in the hypothetical standings). Unfortunately for Ryan, his destination (The Shelby Bowl) also lies on the other end of my railroad and this engine does not stop for oncoming vehicles, as proven by our unnecessarily loud horns and injuries overcome (Odell Beckham Jr., Chris Hogan, Aaron Rodgers I guess and apparently Greg Zuerlein). This train analogy might not have worked but fuck it, there are only so many ways to spin a Ryan-Andy final when everybody knows they are the most boring people in the league and a win by either one is just another year of nobody getting a plaque put on The Shelby itself. One question remains... Will The Engine That Could block Ryan from fully embracing the holiday spirit the same way that mid-August, hour-long train blocked me from fully embracing this football season or will Ryan just say "fuck you, you should have drafted Gurley in the first like you wanted to in a bold doubling down of your #1 pick a year ago, you coward. Did Odell even play this season? LOL. Eat turds."?. Here's a quick preview of the week ahead for each team's lineup as of 2:30 AM Saturday morning...
Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty)
QB - Drew Brees (Backup for Carson Wentz for most of season, will play mediocre Falcons' defense, on my team last year)
RB - LeSean McCoy (#5 scoring RB in WRBL, looking to improve on 11-point week 13 showing vs. New England)
RB - Todd Gurley (#2 scoring RB in WRBL, coming off a 44-point game, will play Titans, on my team last year)
WR - Mike Evans (Having worst season of his career. @Carolina)
WR - Keenan Allen (10-100-1 streak is over, returning from mysterious back injury that required him to be carted off, easy game versus Jets)
FLEX - WR Marvin Jones Jr. (Revenge potential against former team [Bengals], deep threat)
TE - Charles Clay (replacing now-on-IR Hunter Henry, 5 points 3 weeks ago against Patriots)
K - Wil Lutz (Only averaging 6 points past 3 weeks, 5 points in week 14 against Atlanta)
D/ST - Baltimore Ravens (Playing cupcake Colts on Saturday, 21 points last week)
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| USA TODAY The Ravens have a chance to set the tone before anyone else in the 3rd Annual Shelby Bowl. |
The Engine That Could (Andy Todd)
QB - Dak Prescott (#3 QB in the league, will benefit on play-actions with Ezekiel Elliott returning from suspension, playing Seattle in Dallas)
RB - Kareem Hunt (#3 RB in scoring, scored 39 last week, playing Dolphins bad run defense)
RB - Dion Lewis (Waiver pickup this week, may occasionally lose goal line carries to Mike Gillislee, 9 points three weeks ago in same matchup [Bills])
WR - Michael Thomas (#3 WR in WRBL, coming off his two best games, should always benefit more from Brees-Thomas connections)
WR - Sterling Shepard (Scored 30 on my bench last week, will probably be covered by Patrick Peterson all game)
FLEX - RB Joe Mixon (Returning from concussion that cost him two games, ran for 100 yards in last complete game, playing Lions in Cincinnati)
TE - Travis Kelce (#1 scoring TE in league, also playing bad Miami defense)
K - Jake Elliott (Will never be Greg Zuerlein :(, Another waiver pickup this week, plays Christmas night against Raiders)
D/ST - Pittsburgh Steelers (Play Christmas day versus T.J. Yates and the Texans, Yet another waiver pickup made this week)
In other news, WE DID IT FAM!!! Cole and Darrin are back in the cage, duking it out over who should win/lose the MoonBak Bowl, just one year removed from Cole completing a 96-point comeback in last season's Shelby Bowl. Could you imagine what an entire offseason of Darrin Aschebrook "Don't Let ___ Distract You" jokes would be like? For the second season in a row, we have Scott and Nick fighting for third after Nick got smoked by Ryan last week through no real faults in Nick's lineup. It truly is our league's most underrated rivalry as the two seem to be the only one's we consider for commissioner each season and they are in charge of hosting/setting up our meetings so far. Sneen and Alec will also play this week and find out who among the league will be the bitterest knitter as the fifth-place team always feels like they never got any reward for being Most Valuable Loser.
It's the most wonderful time of the year, championship time. Best of luck to those who want to finish with a higher seed than their opponent! Stay tuned for next week's season finale.
Scoring Leaders
QB
Russell Wilson 299 (SWANSON)
Tom Brady 256 (SNEEN)
Cam Newton 153 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Ben Roethlisberger 126 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Alex Smith 99 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Matt Ryan 96 (WALTERS)
Matthew Stafford 81 (ZURAWSKI/WALTERS)
Philip Rivers 51 (TODD/ASCHEBROOK JR./ZURAWSKI)
Marcus Mariota 25 (DOUGHERTY/ZURAWSKI)
Andy Dalton 18 (WALTERS)
Case Keenum 17 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Jared Goff 9 (WALTERS)
Mitchell Trubisky 9 (SWANSON)
Kirk Cousins 7 (SNEEN)
Brett Hundley 7 (WALTERS)
Kirk Cousins 7 (SNEEN)
Brett Hundley 7 (WALTERS)
RB
Le'Veon Bell 306 (SWANSON)
Todd Gurley 284 (DOUGHERTY)
Kareem Hunt 244 (TODD)
LeSean McCoy 228 (DOUGHERTY)
Mark Ingram 209 (ZURAWSKI)
Christian McCaffrey 183 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Devonta Freeman 159 (SNEEN)
Carlos Hyde 106 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Ty Montgomery 74 (SNEEN)
Latavius Murray 72 (SNEEN)
Chris Thompson 56 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Ameer Abdullah 53 (TODD)
Frank Gore 52 (TODD/SNEEN)
James White 47 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Jerick McKinnon 45 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Marshawn Lynch 42 (ZURAWSKI)
Samaje Perine 40 (TODD)
Dion Lewis 32 (ZURAWSKI)
Matt Forte' 24 (SWANSON)
Adrian Peterson 21 (ZURAWSKI)
Doug Martin 20 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Tarik Cohen 13 (SWANSON)
Isaiah Crowell 13 (TODD)
David Johnson 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Rex Burkhead 8 (TODD)
Chris Ivory 8 (WALTERS)
David Johnson 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Rex Burkhead 8 (TODD)
Chris Ivory 8 (WALTERS)
Bilal Powell 8 (WALTERS/ZURAWSKI)
Danny Woodhead 8 (SNEEN)
Alex Collins 5 (SWANSON)
Aaron Jones 5 (WALTERS)
Paul Perkins 3 (TODD)
Jamaal Williams 3 (WALTERS)
WR
Antonio Brown 305 (ZURAWSKI)
Michael Thomas 226 (TODD)
A.J. Green 203 (WALTERS)
Jarvis Landry 203 (WALTERS)
Demaryius Thomas 172 (SNEEN)
Brandin Cooks 156 (SWANSON)
Dez Bryant 137 (SWANSON)
Davante Adams 131 (WALTERS)
Michael Crabtree 106 (ZURAWSKI)
Golden Tate 99 (DOUGHERTY)
Emmanuel Sanders 87 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Chris Hogan 81 (TODD)
Odell Beckham Jr. 71 (TODD)
Marvin Jones 62 (DOUGHERTY)
Amari Cooper 54 (WALTERS)
Sterling Shepard 48 (TODD)
Marqise Lee 41 (SNEEN)
Martavis Bryant 34 (SNEEN)
Jamison Crowder 31 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Danny Amendola 28 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Randall Cobb 27 (ASCHEBROOK JR./DOUGHERTY)
Nelson Agholor 24 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Devin Funchess 22 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Terrelle Pryor 22 (SWANSON)
Alshon Jeffery 20 (ZURAWSKI)
Mohamed Sanu 16 (TODD)
Kelvin Benjamin 15 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Ted Ginn Jr. 15 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
T.Y. Hilton 8 (TODD)
Corey Davis 7 (TODD)
Corey Davis 7 (TODD)
Eric Decker 7 (SNEEN)
Rishard Matthews 7 (DOUGHERTY)
Rishard Matthews 7 (DOUGHERTY)
Sammy Watkins 2 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
John Brown 1 (DOUGHERTY)
Mike Wallace 1 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
TE
Travis Kelce 212 (TODD)
Jimmy Graham 130 (ZURAWSKI)
Evan Engram 103 (WALTERS)
Delanie Walker 94 (SWANSON)
Hunter Henry 68 (DOUGHERTY)
Vernon Davis 29 (SNEEN/DOUGHERTY)
Kyle Rudolph 25 (SWANSON)
Cameron Brate 23 (SWANSON)
Jordan Reed 18 (SNEEN)
Jared Cook 13 (WALTERS/ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Greg Olsen 5 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Tyler Eifert 1 (SWANSON)
Tyler Kroft 1 (TODD)
Tyler Kroft 1 (TODD)
K
Stephen Gostkowski 138 (SNEEN)
Matt Bryant 131 (ASCHEBROOK SR./SWANSON)
Matt Prater 115 (WALTERS/SWANSON)
Chris Boswell 73 (TODD/ZURAWSKI)
Harrison Butker 51 (ZURAWSKI/ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Kai Forbath 30 (TODD/WALTERS)
Giorgio Tavecchio 27 (TODD)
Ryan Succop 26 (WALTERS/SNEEN)
Adam Vinatieri 17 (ZURAWSKI)
Robbie Gould 10 (SWANSON)
DF
Jacksonville Jaguars 102 (ZURAWSKI)
Minnesota Vikings 98 (SNEEN)
Los Angeles Rams 93 (TODD/ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Baltimore Ravens 85 (WALTERS/DOUGHERTY)
Denver Broncos 56 (DOUGHERTY/ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Los Angeles Chargers 45 (SWANSON/DOUGHERTY)
Arizona Cardinals 37 (ZURAWSKI/DOUGHERTY/ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Detroit Lions 27 (SWANSON/SNEEN)
Cincinnati Bengals 24 (WALTERS)
Tennessee Titans 21 (WALTERS)
New England Patriots 17 (TODD)
Buffalo Bills 14 (ZURAWSKI/TODD)
New Orleans Saints 13 (DOUGHERTY/WALTERS)
Atlanta Falcons 7 (SWANSON)
Washington 5 (WALTERS)
Miami Dolphins 4 (ZURAWSKI)
Chicago Bears 3 (ZURAWSKI)
San Francisco 49ers 3 (ZURAWSKI)
New York Giants -2 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
New York Giants -2 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Hypothetical Standings
Team Easy Breesy 14-1
Tremendous Big League 9-6
The Engine That Could 8-7
Colieveland 96ers 7-8
SNEEN MACHINE 5-10
Team ChowHounds 4-11
Team ChowHounds 4-11
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