As The WRBL Turns, S03 E15

The Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 15
Our 3rd semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for the ESPN Fantasy app.

Playoff Results
Round 2
#4 Fuck The Playoff System  119 #1 Kathy Walters + Scott = Forever  112
#2 Team ChowHounds  151 #3 Moon's Microdongs  91
#8 Team Moon  115 #5 SNEEN MACHINE  95
#7 Team Swanson  76 #6 TyRod Henke  68

Mark J. Rebilas - USA TODAY Sports
Hero of the Week: WR Brandin Cooks (Fuck The Playoff System)

Heroes of the Week: WR Brandin Cooks (Walters), RB Devonta Freeman (Aschebrook Sr.), RB LeSean McCoy (Aschebrook Sr.)

Zeroes of the Week: NFL Referee Walt Coleman, Jaguars HC Gus Bradley (sorry bro), Skip Bayless

Zero of the Week: Skip Bayless (Come on, man)

Upcoming Week 15 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

Championship: #2 Darrin Aschebrook (Team ChowHounds versus #4 Cole Walters (Fuck The Playoff System)

Moon Bowl: #5 Tyler Sneen (SNEEN MACHINE) versus #6 Andy Todd (TyRod Henke)

Former Unofficial Champs Bro Bowl: #1 Scott Aschebrook (Kathy Walters + Scott = Forever) versus #3 Nick Zurawski (Moon's Microdongs)

How The Fuck Is Moon Here, This Is Stupid Bowl (AKA: The Uninspired Team Name Bowl): #7 Alec Logan Swanson (Team Swanson) versus #8 Evan Moon (Team Moon)

Thursday: NY Giants @ Philadelphia 7:25 PM
Saturday(!): Miami @ Buffalo NOON
NY Jets @ New England NOON
Tennessee @ Jacksonville NOON
Minnesota @ Green Bay NOON
San Diego @ Cleveland NOON
Washington @ Chicago NOON
Atlanta @ Carolina NOON
Indianapolis @ Oakland 3:05 PM
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans 3:25 PM
Arizona @ Seattle 3:25 PM
San Francisco @ Los Angeles 3:25 PM
Cincinnati @ Houston 7:25 PM
Sunday (Christmas!): Baltimore @ Pittsburgh 3:30 PM
Denver @ Kansas City 7:30 PM

Monday: Detroit @ Dallas 7:30 PM

Bro...
Of course the dumbest possible collection of teams are playing for both first and last place, it's 2016. Why the fuck did we expect anything else? The entire losers bracket this week was LITERALLY the mirror-image of last year's playoffs. If that isn't dumb enough for you, a team named "Fuck The Playoff System" is in the finals after a .500 season because the difference between making the finals and missing the finals was Superteam Scott benching Ezekiel Elliott despite using Justin Tucker from the same trade. What an awkward moment that must have been for Superteam Scott, benching Elliott while Kenneth Farrow only scored as many points as TODD GURLEY and we all know he's just the worst, right?. Congratulations to Darrin Aschebrook as well for making the finals because of three 30-point games from his running backs this week (Devonta Freeman, LeSean McCoy, Ty Montgomery). Even when my own team barely has any impact whatsoever, my cuts either screwed someone over (Emmanuel Sanders) or propelled one into the "Big Game" (Ty Montgomery). Meanwhile Moon dodged the Moon Bowl in an ironic twist that Alanis Morissette would have been proud of. A reasonable league would have found a way to avoid Moon having anything to do with anything but, we lucked out thanks to his sudden desire to care with what is technically last place on the line. 

One question that is still up in the air is just what exactly will "The Moon" award for last place be? Obviously we have some time to brainstorm ideas for this and one has already come to my mind... The Moon should be a photo of Cole's ass nailed to a block of wood. That's right, double entendres all up in this league! Besides, we now have Cole's ass on video (multiple unfortunate times) and I can't be the only one that shields my eyes or throws the screen accross the room every time. What would be a more embarrassing thing to add to one's trophy case? Thanks to Brandin Cooks and Bilal "I'm just here so Scott will get mad" Powell, we have more celebration or trash-talking videos to look forward to/away from.

Kathleen Malone-Van Dyke
Bilal Powell's 11-catch, 26-point performance will go down in history next to Tim Hightower's 2015 Monday Night Dumpoff as another Semifinal classic.

The NFL's playoff picture is beginning to shape up as well with New England, Oakland, Dallas and Seattle all locked in as teams we'll be seeing more of in January. Currently, Detroit, Pittsburgh, Atlanta and Houston are all leading their divisions but, those are all far from guarantees with Green Bay, Baltimore, Tampa Bay and the dreaded Indianapolis/Tennessee combo creeping up behind all of them as contenders with two weeks remaining in the regular season. Jacksonville tried their best to make the AFC South fun again but, their best included under 100 passing yards and blowing a two-score lead to Tom Savage (who took over for a sadly benched giraffe, Brock Osweiler). In the NFC, the Giants are really starting to look eerily similar to the team that won their previous two Super Bowls (All pass-rush, Eli somehow not fucking it all up). If none of that tickles your fancy, the Packers are LITERALLY starting a Wide Receiver at Running Back and he just ran for 162 yards this past week so, that's pretty fun and weird.

Pictured here: Every relevant Bears defender.

After 15 weeks of fun and emotional turmoil, the championship game has been set and what a treat this year's championship is as none of the founding members (Scott, Nick, etc., nobody really knows) are involved. It's Scott's dad versus Cole for all the marbles... or the big shiny thing sitting next to my Christmas tree... whatever. Here are the lineups for the two targeting the trophy as of Wednesday...

Fuck The Playoff System (Cole Walters)
QB - Dak Prescott (Rookie of the Year candidate, coming off a 32/36 performance)
RB - Melvin Gordon (Has completely redeemed his career after a terrible rookie year, questionable versus Cleveland)
RB - Bilal Powell (Hero, will have opportunities against New England in garbage time)
WR - Antonio Brown (#1scoring receiver in the league, facing tough Baltimore defense on Christmas day.)
WR - Brandin Cooks (#5 scoring wideout, was a Hero of the Week this week.)
FLEX - WR Golden Tate (Playing Dallas on Monday Night Football, when we are all invited to league headquarters!)
TE - Travis Kelce (#2 scoring Tight End, plays Denver on Sunday night.)
K - Matt Prater (11.8 PPG over the last six weeks, Monday Nighter!)
D/ST - New York Giants (On a hot streak, playing against faltering Philly)

Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook)
QB - Aaron Rodgers (#1 QB in the league, scored 16 in last game against Minnesota)
RB - Devonta Freeman (#5 RB in scoring, scored 13 in last game versus Carolina)
RB - LeSean McCoy (#3 RB in scoring, occasionally loses goal line carries to Mike Gillislee)
WR - Larry Fitzgerald (Reliable but, his QB is washed up and he's going up against Seattle)
WR - Jordan Matthews (Managed 6 catches last week despite a snap count, yards per catch are way down)
FLEX - Ty Montgomery (Week 15 star, still playing Running Back against a far tougher defense than Chicago.)
TE - Greg Olsen (#1 scoring TE in league, LITERALLY one more point than his opponent, Kelce.)
K - Mason Crosby (At home against Minnesota, his real team is on a playoff push.)
D/ST - Denver Broncos (#1 defense in the WRBL, @KC on Sunday night)

None of the other match-ups matter other than for seeding so, best of luck to those who want to finish with a higher seed than their opponent!

Scoring Leaders

QB

Aaron Rodgers 295 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Tom Brady 192 (TODD)

Ben Roethlisberger 173 (SWANSON/MOON)

Cam Newton 155 (ASCHEBROOK)

Matt Ryan 131 (ASCHEBROOK)

Jameis Winston 121 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Andrew Luck 120 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI)

Drew Brees 112 (TODD)

Carson Palmer 103 (MOON)

Dak Prescott 103 (WALTERS)

Matthew Stafford 103 (WALTERS/SNEEN)

Philip Rivers 100 (ZURAWSKI/WALTERS)

Russell Wilson 78 (SNEEN)

Marcus Mariota 72 (SNEEN)

Kirk Cousins 65 (ZURAWSKI)

Blake Bortles 44 (WALTERS)

Eli Manning 29 (SNEEN)

Andy Dalton 15 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Alex Smith 8 (ZURAWSKI)

RB

David Johnson 354 (ZURAWSKI)

Le'Veon Bell 278 (ASCHEBROOK)

LeSean McCoy 247 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

DeMarco Murray 230 (ASCHEBROOK)

Devonta Freeman 226 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Melvin Gordon 203 (WALTERS)

Lamar Miller 179 (SNEEN)

Ezekiel Elliott 161 (MOON/ASCHEBROOK)

Todd Gurley 151 (TODD)

Jordan Howard 132 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Latavius Murray 110 (SWANSON)

Matt Forte 102 (SWANSON)

Frank Gore 101 (ZURAWSKI)

Duke Johnson Jr. 97 (MOON)

C.J. Anderson 96 (WALTERS)

Carlos Hyde 95 (SWANSON/SNEEN)

Spencer Ware 95 (TODD/SWANSON)

Christine Michael 90 (SNEEN)

LeGarrette Blount 89 (SWANSON)

Theo Riddick 89 (SNEEN)

Mark Ingram 87 (ASCHEBROOK)

Jay Ajayi 76 (ZURAWSKI)

Jonathan Stewart 68 (MOON)

DeAngelo Williams 64 (ASCHEBROOK)

Doug Martin 63 (WALTERS)

Isaiah Crowell 47 (WALTERS)

Ty Montgomery 41 (TODD/ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Thomas Rawls 39 (TODD)

Giovani Bernard 37 (SNEEN)

Jeremy Hill 34 (ZURAWSKI)

Devontae Booker 30 (TODD)

Jacquizz Rodgers 29 (TODD)
Bilal Powell 26 (WALTERS)

Ameer Abdullah 25 (TODD)

Charles Sims 25 (ZURAWSKI)

Darren Sproles 25 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Danny Woodhead 25 (ZURAWSKI)

Eddie Lacy 24 (MOON)

Tevin Coleman 21 (WALTERS)

Robert Kelley 16 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

James White 15 (ASCHEBROOK)

Ryan Mathews 14 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jamaal Charles 12 (TODD)
Matt Asiata 9 (WALTERS)
DeAndre Washington 9 (TODD)

Charcandrick West 9 (ZURAWSKI)
Rashad Jennings 7 (ZURAWSKI)

Jeremy Langford 7 (WALTERS)

Adrian Peterson 6 (MOON)

Jerick McKinnon 5 (SNEEN)
Kenneth Farrow 4 (ASCHEBROOK)
Chris Ivory 2 (TODD)

WR

Antonio Brown 274 (WALTERS)

Mike Evans 257 (ASCHEBROOK)

Odell Beckham Jr. 254 (SNEEN)

Julio Jones 222 (ASCHEBROOK)

Brandin Cooks 219 (WALTERS)

Larry Fitzgerald 218 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

T.Y. Hilton 215 (ZURAWSKI)

Demaryius Thomas 207 (MOON)

A.J. Green 167 (SWANSON)

Allen Robinson 153 (SWANSON)

DeAndre Hopkins 148 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Amari Cooper 142 (MOON)

Dez Bryant 132 (SNEEN)

Jarvis Landry 132 (TODD)

Jordy Nelson 126 (TODD)

Emmanuel Sanders 118 (TODD/ZURAWSKI)

Brandon Marshall 114 (ZURAWSKI)

Doug Baldwin 108 (MOON)

Willie Snead 104 (SNEEN)

Alshon Jeffery 89 (SWANSON)

Julian Edelman 88 (WALTERS/TODD)

Mike Wallace 84 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

DeSean Jackson 70 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Tyrell Williams 65 (SWANSON)

Steve Smith Sr. 56 (SNEEN)

Davante Adams 55 (WALTERS)

Marvin Jones 53 (MOON)

Michael Crabtree 52 (ASCHEBROOK)

Kelvin Benjamin 45 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI)

Jordan Matthews 45 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Eric Decker 39 (SNEEN)

Jamison Crowder 38 (TODD)

Randall Cobb 37 (TODD/WALTERS)

Travis Benjamin 36 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jeremy Maclin 36 (ASCHEBROOK)

Golden Tate 36 (WALTERS)

Terrelle Pryor 33 (TODD)

Donte Moncrief 32 (ASCHEBROOK SR./TODD)

Corey Coleman 30 (MOON)

Stefon Diggs 30 (TODD)

Michael Thomas 24 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Sterling Shepard 21 (MOON)

Taylor Gabriel 17 (ASCHEBROOK)

Sammy Watkins 14 (ZURAWSKI/TODD)

Keenan Allen 12 (ZURAWSKI)

John Brown 10 (SNEEN)

Ted Ginn Jr. 4 (SWANSON)

Quincy Enunwa 3 (SWANSON)

Cameron Meredith 2 (TODD)

TE

Greg Olsen 185 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Travis Kelce 184 (WALTERS)

Delanie Walker 163 (TODD)

Jordan Reed 151 (SNEEN)

Rob Gronkowski 94 (ZURAWSKI)

Jimmy Graham 92 (ASCHEBROOK)

Hunter Henry 72 (TODD/MOON)

Jason Witten 61 (ASCHEBROOK/WALTERS/SWANSON)

Martellus Bennett 59 (SWANSON)

Antonio Gates 54 (ZURAWSKI)

Julius Thomas 53 (MOON)

Tyler Eifert 45 (ASCHEBROOK)

Eric Ebron 40 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI/TODD)

Coby Fleener 38 (SNEEN)

Dennis Pitta 26 (ASCHEBROOK)

Zach Ertz 22 (SNEEN)

Zach Miller 14 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Kyle Rudolph 10 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jared Cook 1 (ASCHEBROOK)

K

Justin Tucker 155 (MOON/ASCHEBROOK)

Adam Vinatieri 120 (ZURAWSKI)

Stephen Gostkowski 115 (SNEEN)

Mason Crosby 98 (ASCHEBROOK/ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Brandon McManus 91 (TODD)

Matt Bryant 83 (SWANSON/WALTERS)

Dan Bailey 78 (WALTERS/SNEEN/TODD)

Matt Prater 69 (WALTERS)

Wil Lutz 60 (MOON)

Graham Gano 45 (SWANSON)

Steven Hauschka 42 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dustin Hopkins 34 (ASCHEBROOK)

Cairo Santos 24 (SWANSON)

Josh Lambo 7 (WALTERS)

DF

Denver Broncos 136 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Carolina Panthers 96 (SWANSON)

Minnesota Vikings 90 (TODD/ASCHEBROOK)

Baltimore Ravens 82 (MOON)

Arizona Cardinals 58 (ASCHEBROOK)

Houston Texans 58 (WALTERS/SNEEN)

Seattle Seahawks 55 (ASCHEBROOK)

New York Giants 49 (ZURAWSKI/SNEEN)

New England Patriots 48 (SNEEN/WALTERS)

Cincinnati Bengals 42 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON/WALTERS)

Kansas City Chiefs 33 (MOON)

Miami Dolphins 33 (WALTERS/ZURAWSKI)

Pittsburgh Steelers 33 (TODD)

Green Bay Packers 29 (SNEEN/WALTERS)

Atlanta Falcons 26 (SNEEN)

Philadelphia Eagles 21 (TODD)

Chicago Bears 17 (ZURAWSKI/WALTERS)

New York Jets 12 (ZURAWSKI)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 12 (SNEEN)
Buffalo Bills 10 (ZURAWSKI)
Dallas Cowboys 9 (SNEEN)

Detroit Lions 7 (TODD)

Tennessee Titans 6 (SWANSON)

Indianapolis Colts 2 (SNEEN)

Hypothetical Standings

Kathy Walters + Scott = Forever 12-3

Team ChowHounds 12-3

Moon's Microdongs 8-7

Fuck The Playoff System 7-8 

SNEEN MACHINE 7-8

Team Swanson 7-8

TyRod Henke 5-10

Team Moon 2-13