As The WRBL Turns, S03 E09

The Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 9
Our 3rd semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for the catchy tune that is Aqua's "Barbie Girl".

Current Standings
Lombardi Division
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 8-1 W5
Moon's Microdongs (Nick Zurawski) 6-3 W1
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 3-6 L1
Team Moon (Evan Moon) 1-8 L8

Stram Division

Bought Not Built (Scott Aschebrook) 6-3 W1

Fuck The Playoff System (Cole Walters) 5-4 W3

TyRod Henke (Andy Todd) 4-5 L1

Team Swanson (Alec Swanson) 3-6 L4

Week Eight Final Scores

ASCHEBROOK JR.  187 SWANSON  161
ZURAWSKI  106 SNEEN  88
WALTERS  152 TODD  92
ASCHEBROOK SR.  128 MOON  71

985

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Hero of the Week: Team Owner Scott Aschebrook (Bought Not Built)

Heroes of the Week: Owner Scott Aschebrook (Aschebrook), WR Mike Evans (Aschebrook), RB Melvin Gordon III (Walters)

Zeroes of the Week: Owner Evan Moon (Moon), DF Denver Broncos (Aschebrook Sr.), NFL Referees

Twitter
Zero of the Week: DF Denver Broncos (Team ChowHounds)

Upcoming Week 10 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

Bought Not Built vs. Fuck The Playoff System
TyRod Henke vs. Team Swanson
Team ChowHounds vs. SNEEN MACHINE
Moon's Microdongs vs. Team Moon

Bye Weeks: Indianapolis, Buffalo, Detroit, Oakland

Thursday Game: Cleveland @ Baltimore 7:25 PM

Sunday: Green Bay @ Tennessee NOON

Minnesota @ Washington NOON

Chicago @ Tampa Bay NOON

Kansas City @ Carolina NOON

Atlanta @ Philadelphia NOON

Los Angeles @ NY Jets NOON
Denver @ New Orleans NOON
Houston @ Jacksonville NOON

Miami @ San Diego 3:05

Dallas @ Pittsburgh 3:25

San Francisco @ Arizona 3:25

Seattle @ New England 7:30
Monday: Cincinnati @ NY Giants 7:30

Bro...

It was just one week ago when word broke of a potential trade that would upset many Americans to the point that there would be demands for a recount on veto votes and many fantasy owners contemplated fleeing the country until all of the league's problems were magically solved without them in something called the #Broxit. Yes, after all of the debates and name-calling, Ezekiel Elliott is officially a member of the formerly-known-as "Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam?". It was a deal so huge that not even our freakishly undersized hands could be prevented from typing paragraphs upon paragraphs about why the deal should not stand and just what the future of the WRBL looks like or if there is any hope for the league's future at all. Ultimately, As a bandwagon WRBL fan, I am now 100% rooting for Scott to win the league because I embrace those that get too much hatred for taking advantage of a clearer, legal path to victory (see: The 2010-15 Miami Heat). Everybody is welcome to join me on the Scott bandwagon as there are many open seats and remember, a Scott win means a later draft pick for crooked Moon. The trade ended up going through as follows...

Scott acquires RB Ezekiel Elliott, WR Amari Cooper and K Justin Tuvcker along with Moon's 2017 9th & 10th rounders for RB Terrance West, K Dustin Hopkins and Scott's 2017 1st & 4th rounders.

Moon reportedly sent Scott baskets upon baskets of handwritten letters scheming this trade to forever tilt the league's power favorably into their hands. Those letters mysteriously disappeared and an investigation is now ongoing and that is all commissioner Zurawski can reveal at this time.

What a coincidence that Scott set a new record for team points in a week (187) the week that the trade was upheld. Poor loser Alec never stood a chance really. All the polls and ESPN's projections said so. Sad! Commissioner Nick Zurawski (who I'm being told is not even a native Wisconsinite on his birth certificate) shut down Sneen's machine and crushed Tyler's hopes at a playoff birth (which has the same likelihood as the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals). Cole had good players... the best players... all of the top players in the best sport in the greatest country on the top planet score in the double-digits as he never gave me any room to win despite everyone wanting me to. It's basically a rigged league at this point. Oh yeah, and rumors of deterioration in Moon's health continue to gain strength as he forgot to put a quarterback in his lineup and effectively tanked his way to 1-8 in comparison to his opponent Team ChowHound's now 8-1 record because if there's one thing that doesn't have enough power in the game of football, it's an old white man.

Lindsey Wasson/Seattle Times
Richard Sherman's controversial special teams play highlighted a strong weekend of football.

The NFL's quality continues to regain it's strength as every national game was entertaining even with the unexpected play of teams we had no opinion of yet and the always-bad refereeing. Atlanta and Tampa Bay saw a ton of points and most importantly, a ton of fantasy points. Pittsburgh and Baltimore reminded fans of what a good rivalry used to look like (competent-to-great defenses and sloppy-to-average offenses). Green Bay nearly had an incredible comeback against Andrew Luck and Buffalo's offense shined really brightly despite the defense's refusal to stop a resurgent Russell Wilson. All of that was nothing compared to the first Sunday night football game in Oakland in 11 years. I had completely forgotten how awesome primetime Oakland football games looked when the Raiders are good because I had not seen the sight since the Irving Favre game. Intense to a fault, Raiders fans are one of the most dedicated fanbases in the league when the team is rolling on most cylinders. Derek Carr was barely even relevant as the offensive line paved the way for the best game of Latavius Murray's fantasy career in a 30-20 win over their division rivals from Denver. 

We are already headed into week 10(!) and with the Cubs crowned as World Series champions and the election (praise the lord baby Jesus) over, the ratings for the NFL NEED to step up or there will be legitimate concerns that could lead to changes in how we consume the sport forever. What better way to gain viewers back halfway through the season than to have the Steelers and Cowboys as the late-afternoon national game and a rematch of one of the greatest Super Bowls ever (Super Bowl IL) on Sunday Night Football between New England and Seattle. In the WRBL, there is not one interesting matchup with any type of serious immediate implications outside of Scott's freshly named "Bought Not Built" versus rival Cole Walters' "Fuck The Playoff System". The entirety of the league's eyes will be focused on this duel so... no pressure guys.

Other trade completed before last week's deadline: Alec acquires QB Jameis Winston, RB Jordan Howard & WR DeSean Jackson from Nick for QB Andrew Luck & WR Kelvin Benjamin.

Scoring Leaders

QB

Aaron Rodgers 171 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Ben Roethlisberger 119 (SWANSON)

Drew Brees 105 (TODD)

Carson Palmer 103 (MOON)

Tom Brady 102 (TODD)

Cam Newton 102 (ASCHEBROOK)

Matt Ryan 76 (ASCHEBROOK)

Philip Rivers 69 (ZURAWSKI)

Matthew Stafford 65 (WALTERS)

Russell Wilson 53 (SNEEN)

Andrew Luck 57 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI)

Dak Prescott 49 (WALTERS)

Jameis Winston 39 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Blake Bortles 32 (WALTERS)

Eli Manning 29 (SNEEN)

Kirk Cousins 27 (ZURAWSKI)
Marcus Mariota 25 (SNEEN)

Andy Dalton 15 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Alex Smith 8 (ZURAWSKI)

RB

David Johnson 184 (ZURAWSKI)

Melvin Gordon 150 (WALTERS)

DeMarco Murray 141 (ASCHEBROOK)

Ezekiel Elliott 136 (MOON/ASCHEBROOK)

Devonta Freeman 135 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

LeSean McCoy 127 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Lamar Miller 109 (SNEEN)

Le'Veon Bell 99 (ASCHEBROOK)

Todd Gurley 98 (TODD)

C.J. Anderson 96 (WALTERS)

Christine Michael 90 (SNEEN)

Latavius Murray 86 (SWANSON)

Frank Gore 85 (ZURAWSKI)

Matt Forte 77 (SWANSON)

Mark Ingram 67 (ASCHEBROOK)

DeAngelo Williams 64 (ASCHEBROOK)

Carlos Hyde 63 (SWANSON)

Duke Johnson Jr. 59 (MOON)

LeGarrette Blount 57 (SWANSON)

Theo Riddick 51 (SNEEN)

Spencer Ware 40 (TODD/SWANSON)

Jordan Howard 37 (ZURAWSKI)

Giovani Bernard 32 (SNEEN)

Isaiah Crowell 32 (WALTERS)

Jacquizz Rodgers 29 (TODD)

Ameer Abdullah 25 (TODD)

Charles Sims 25 (ZURAWSKI)
Danny Woodhead 25 (ZURAWSKI)

Eddie Lacy 24 (MOON)

Jay Ajayi 21 (ZURAWSKI)

Devontae Booker 20 (TODD)

James White 15 (ASCHEBROOK)

Tevin Coleman 14 (WALTERS)

Doug Martin 14 (WALTERS)

Ryan Mathews 14 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jamaal Charles 12 (TODD)
Ty Montgomery 11 (TODD)
Matt Asiata 9 (WALTERS)
Darren Sproles 9 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

DeAndre Washington 9 (TODD)
Charcandrick West 9 (ZURAWSKI)

Jeremy Langford 7 (WALTERS)
Adrian Peterson 6 (MOON)

Jerick McKinnon 5 (SNEEN)
Jonathan Stewart 4 (MOON)

Chris Ivory 2 (TODD)

WR

Mike Evans 176 (ASCHEBROOK)

Julio Jones 174 (ASCHEBROOK)

Antonio Brown 155 (WALTERS)

A.J. Green 148 (SWANSON)

Amari Cooper 142 (MOON)

Larry Fitzgerald 141 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Odell Beckham Jr. 136 (SNEEN)

T.Y. Hilton 131 (ZURAWSKI)

Brandin Cooks 128 (WALTERS)

Demaryius Thomas 124 (MOON)

Jarvis Landry 113 (TODD)

Allen Robinson 103 (SWANSON)

Brandon Marshall 101 (ZURAWSKI)

DeAndre Hopkins 98 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jordy Nelson 85 (TODD)

Alshon Jeffery 81 (SWANSON)

Willie Snead 61 (SNEEN)

Marvin Jones 53 (MOON)

Mike Wallace 44 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Emmanuel Sanders 40 (TODD)

Eric Decker 39 (SNEEN)

Dez Bryant 37 (SNEEN)

Jordan Matthews 37 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Travis Benjamin 36 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jeremy Maclin 36 (ASCHEBROOK)

DeSean Jackson 34 (ZURAWSKI)

Terrelle Pryor 33 (TODD)

Michael Crabtree 31 (ASCHEBROOK)

Randall Cobb 30 (TODD)

Golden Tate 25 (WALTERS)

Kelvin Benjamin 24 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI)

Michael Thomas 24 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Donte Moncrief 19 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Julian Edelman 18 (WALTERS)
Tyrell Williams 18 (SWANSON)

Stefon Diggs 17 (TODD)
Davante Adams 14 (WALTERS)
Doug Baldwin 14 (MOON)

Keenan Allen 12 (ZURAWSKI)

Sammy Watkins 12 (ZURAWSKI)

John Brown 10 (SNEEN)
Corey Coleman 7 (MOON)

Steve Smith Sr. 5 (SNEEN)
Quincy Enunwa 3 (SWANSON)

Cameron Meredith 2 (TODD)

TE

Greg Olsen 130 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jordan Reed 99 (SNEEN)

Delanie Walker 99 (TODD)

Travis Kelce 97 (WALTERS)

Rob Gronkowski 86 (ZURAWSKI)

Jimmy Graham 60 (ASCHEBROOK)

Hunter Henry 51 (TODD/MOON)

Martellus Bennett 50 (SWANSON)

Jason Witten 42 (ASCHEBROOK/WALTERS/SWANSON)

Coby Fleener 38 (SNEEN)

Julius Thomas 35 (MOON)

Dennis Pitta 26 (ASCHEBROOK)

Antonio Gates 18 (ZURAWSKI)

Eric Ebron 17 (SWANSON)

Kyle Rudolph 10 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Zach Miller 7 (ZURAWSKI)

Jared Cook 1 (ASCHEBROOK)

K

Adam Vinatieri 97 (ZURAWSKI)
Justin Tucker 87 (MOON/ASCHEBROOK)

Brandon McManus 79 (TODD)

Stephen Gostkowski 60 (SNEEN)

Mason Crosby 55 (ASCHEBROOK/ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Graham Gano 45 (SWANSON)

Dan Bailey 43 (WALTERS/SNEEN)

Matt Prater 43 (WALTERS)

Steven Hauschka 42 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Matt Bryant 38 (SWANSON)

Dustin Hopkins 34 (ASCHEBROOK)

Wil Lutz 11 (MOON)

DF

Denver Broncos 91 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Minnesota Vikings 81 (TODD)

Carolina Panthers 55 (SWANSON)

Arizona Cardinals 44 (ASCHEBROOK)

Baltimore Ravens 42 (MOON)

Houston Texans 37 (WALTERS)

Kansas City Chiefs 33 (MOON)

Cincinnati Bengals 32 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Green Bay Packers 29 (SNEEN/WALTERS)

Seattle Seahawks 28 (ASCHEBROOK)

Philadelphia Eagles 21 (TODD)
New York Giants 20 (ZURAWSKI)

New England Patriots 18 (SNEEN)

Chicago Bears 17 (ZURAWSKI/WALTERS)
Miami Dolphins 13 (WALTERS)
Dallas Cowboys 9 (SNEEN)

Tennessee Titans 6 (SWANSON)

New York Jets 4 (ZURAWSKI)

Indianapolis Colts 2 (SNEEN)

Hypothetical Standings

Bought Not Built 7-2

Team ChowHounds 7-2

Team Swanson 7-2

Moon's Microdongs 5-4

Fuck The Playoff System 4-5

TyRod Henke 3-6

SNEEN MACHINE 2-7

Team Moon 1-8