Week 5
Our 5th official season of blaming Cole Walters for every job opportunity being replaced with robots.
Current Standings (with regular season won-loss streaks)
Steven Nett Division
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 4-1 W1
Rise From The Asches (Scott Aschebrook) 3-2 W3
Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 1-4 L4
Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty) 1-4 L1
Shooter McGavin Division
30 to 50 Feral Hogs (Andy Todd) 5-0 W6
I Want 2 Lick Coles Hairy Ass (Tyler Sneen) 3-2 L1
Tax Paying Homeowner (Alec Swanson) 2-3 W1
[Kathy Walters' Actual Phone Number] (Nick Zurawski) 1-4 L2
DARRIN 157 - COLE 153
ANDY 180 - RYAN 150
ALEC 123 - SNEEN 112
SCOTT 148 - NICK 114
Heroes of the Week: RB Aaron Jones (48 points), RB Christian McCaffrey (47), QB DeShaun Watson (41)
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| Vernon Bryant/ Dallas Morning News Hero of the Week: RB Aaron Jones (Team Easy Breesy) |
Waiver Wonders: WR Will Fuller V (53 points), QB Teddy Bridgewater (26), WR Michael Gallup (24)
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| USA TODAY Sports Waiver Wonder: WR Will Fuller V (14 catches, 217 yards, 3 TDs) |
Cole vs. Nick
Andy vs. Sneen
Alec vs. Darrin
Scott vs. Ryan
Andy vs. Sneen
Alec vs. Darrin
Scott vs. Ryan
Thursday Night Football: NY Giants @ New England 7:20 PM
SUNDAY MORNING GAME: Carolina vs. Tampa Bay in London 8:30 AM
SUNDAY MORNING GAME: Carolina vs. Tampa Bay in London 8:30 AM
Sunday NOON: Seattle @ Cleveland
Houston @ Kansas City
Washington @ Miami
Philadelphia @ Minnesota
New Orleans @ Jacksonville
Baltimore @ Cincinnati
Philadelphia @ Minnesota
New Orleans @ Jacksonville
Baltimore @ Cincinnati
3:05 PM: San Francisco @ LA Rams
Atlanta @ Arizona
Atlanta @ Arizona
3:25 PM: Tennessee @ Denver
Dallas @ NY Jets
Dallas @ NY Jets
Sunday Night Football: Pittsburgh @ LA Chargers 7:20 PM
Monday Night Football: Detroit @ Green Bay 7:15 PM
Bro...
Before I touch on anything that happened this week, I think it's time to address some of the league's chosen team names. Perhaps adding some context behind the names will clear up why the standings look especially random right now, not including the won-loss records. Some team names have just stuck for whatever reason, Darrin has always been some variation of "Chowhounds" and SNEEN MACHINE was one of those names until Tyler lost some sort of bet behind the scenes to either Cole or Nick and now, his punishment is changing his team name to "I Want 2 Lick Coles Hairy Ass" for an unknown frame of time. Ryan, being a huge Saints' fan because when he was first getting into a football as an elementary school football prospect, the Saints were the talk of the league and won their first Super Bowl behind Drew Brees, some dude Teddy Bridgewater used to know. Alec's name is pretty self-explanatory as he was the first married, first to father a child (that we know of), first Tax Paying Homeowner of the WRBL. Cole's name originated after the 2016 championship, where he erased a 96-point lead by Darrin and was ultimately crowned as our league's second official champion. Scott's team name (Rise from the Asches) is a pun on his own last name and that's a classic example of how to make a solid fantasy football team name, only it doesn't really work as a team name because nobody says "and there's Nick Chubb, Rise from the Ash, out of Georgia". Nick's team name will remain censored because I'm not here to provide the rest of the internet with anybody's private contact information unless they note otherwise. With each Zurawski loss, his dissent into madness continues and he'll keep changing his team name, with each loss, to a different phone number of each of our parental units because the yellow pages are still a thing for that demographic and they're easy targets of his borderline terrorist activity. Oh yeah, and my team name is based on the greatest threat Canada has sent our way. Also, there is the tweet...
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| Shout out to singer/songwriter Jason Isbell. |
Never in my wildest dreams have I seen a week with as much high-action, absent of injuries week in fantasy football as this, week five of the 2019 season. A record FIVE (DeShaun Watson, Christian "Not Patrick Mahomes" McCaffrey, Aaron Jones, Will Fuller V and Michael Thomas) players scored 40 points in standard PPR leagues (like the WRBL). For comparison's sake, there were no 40 point scorers last week. Do not get used to every team eclipsing the century mark, Scott won't score 148 in a hypothetical loss again, it isn't supposed to be THIS crazy. Besides, we're all just one Earl Thomas cheap shot away from being down a superstar. No offense to Mason Rudolph but, we're all pretty lucky that the randomness of the football gods chose him to get carted off instead of another player of Saquon Barkley's caliber.
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| Carted? Nope, can't afford a second, functional injury cart. |
Despite the hypothetically painful hypothetical loss (I'll hypothetically pay for your therapist, Scott), Rise from the Asches averaged over 18 points per players not named Mike Evans (who put up a shocking donut versus Marcus Lattimore's coverage) and won 148-114 over fading Nick Zurawski as Lamar Jackson's 11 points were no match for Kyler Murray's surprising career-high 25 points as the Cardinals unleash the #1 picks' scrambling ability. Only during this of all weeks could Alec have put up 123, placed SIXTH in league scoring and still managed to pull off a win over hairy ass licker Tyler Sneen. Patrick Mahomes (who is not Christian McCaffrey) may have had an incredible start to the season but, former Feral Hog and current Tax Paying Homeowner Russell Wilson is the favorite to win MVP right now. Watching Wilson has turned what should be the ideal season for me (I mean, I'm 5-0 for god's sake) into an exercise in anxiety management as I worry the post-week one release of Wilson will still come back to haunt me, potentially even in the playoffs if Alec and I are lucky enough to make it that far. This week, Tom Brady was back in my lineup and put up a very nice 23 points to support a personal-best 180 points over Ryan's surprising 150 showcase put on by Aaron Jones and his four touchdowns and Allen Robinson's 28 points overseas. Cole has made 23 free agency moves already in our fairly young season but, now is when he should panic. With nobody else making more than 10 moves (Scott & I are 13 behind Cole), the now 1-4 96ers suffered the most painful loss of the season in a 153-157 shootout versus the 96'eed himself, Darrin Aschebrook. Between a gimpy Mahomes and a non-100% T.Y. Hilton barely showing up on Sunday night, it's amazing Cole was able to keep up with DeShaun Watson, Amari Cooper and bailout target monster Le'Veon Bell. At least Melvin Gordon inspired some confidence coming back from a holdout. Wait a minute... that didn't happen either.
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| Sports Illustrated 7 fantasy points were not enough to re-solidify Gordon (in his new #25 jersey), especially when teammate Austin Ekeler still put up 21 points with FIFTEEN receptions. |
Week six might have four teams on bye (Bills, Bears, Colts and Raiders) but, there's a still a very active schedule of enticing football games on the horizon this weekend. Coming up, we have our first Sunday morning London football game of 2019! It's the second of two nationally televised Panther-Buccaneer games except now Kyle Allen starts instead of still-hurt Cam and Jameis might finally be good (!). After that, the noon slate has an intriguing Saints-Jags match plus possible NFC wildcard decider Eagles-Vikings and the holy grail for quarterback of tomorrow enthusiasts Chiefs versus Texans. Monday night's Lion-Packer winner will be at the top of the NFC North no matter what anyone else does and that makes the Monday night game the highlight of the primetime games this week after a solid month of Monday nighters that were duds. In the WRBL, I'm looking to go 6-0 and take a 3-game lead in the Shooter McGavin division by taking out Sneen whether he has his first-rounder Davante Adams or not. Cole versus Nick might be a loser-leaves-town matchup but don't tell that to Nick, we're still trying to talk him off the ledge after Odell Beckham Jr. turned into this season's Dropula. Darrin still leads the Steven Nett division and with the Bears on bye, Alec might be a tad lighter in talent so the odds are in The ChowHounds favor. Lastly, we get Scott versus Ryan, who is technically Darrin while Ryan digs for oil or something... I don't know, I'm not following that storyline. Ryan's now starting Gardner Minshew II (who is also not who he claims to be, as there is no Gardner Minshew the first) and with Scott playing Kyler, we've got our first rookie QB vs. rookie QB in (I believe) WRBL history! I'm not fact-checking that and you shouldn't either!
Scoring Leaders
QB
Patrick Mahomes 118 (Cole)
Aaron Rodgers 72 (Sneen)
Tom Brady 67 (Andy)
Carson Wentz 62 (Scott)
Kyler Murray 40 (Scott)
Russell Wilson 98 (Andy/Alec)
Lamar Jackson 84 (Nick)
DeShaun Watson 83 (Darrin)Carson Wentz 62 (Scott)
Dak Prescott 27 (Darrin)
Drew Brees 19 (Ryan)
Matt Ryan 18 (Nick)
Josh Allen 17 (Ryan)
Gardner Minshew II 16 (Ryan)
Josh Allen 17 (Ryan)
Gardner Minshew II 16 (Ryan)
Cam Newton 16 (Alec)
Daniel Jones 12 (Andy)
Jacoby Brissett 10 (Ryan)
Daniel Jones 12 (Andy)
Jacoby Brissett 10 (Ryan)
RB
Christian McCaffrey 155 (Scott)
Nick Chubb 94 (Scott)
David Johnson 89 (Nick)
Derrick Henry 80 (Darrin)
Ezekiel Elliott 79 (Ryan)
Aaron Jones 79 (Ryan)
Marlon Mack 69 (Alec)
James Conner 67 (Sneen)
Leonard Fournette 72 (Nick)
Todd Gurley 72 (Ryan)
Le'Veon Bell 67 (Darrin)
Josh Jacobs 32 (Nick)
Damien Williams 24 (Sneen)
Kerryon Johnson 22 (Andy)
Chris Thompson 18 (Cole)
Melvin Gordon 7 (Cole)
Kenyan Drake 4 (Cole)
WR
Michael Thomas 115 (Andy)
Julio Jones 84 (Alec)
Mike Evans 77 (Scott)
DeAndre Hopkins 74 (Nick)
Allen Robinson 62 (Ryan)
Davante Adams 61 (Sneen)
Brandin Cooks 58 (Ryan)
Cooper Kupp 53 (Andy)
Tyrell Williams 49 (Cole)
Emmanuel Sanders 37 (Scott)
Sterling Shepard 35 (Darrin)
Tyler Boyd 28 (Nick)
Tyler Lockett 24 (Cole)
John Brown 20 (Darrin)
Courtland Sutton 19 (Alec)
Larry Fitzgerald 20 (Sneen)
Jarvis Landry 17 (Scott)
Robert Woods 17 (Sneen)
Antonio Brown 15 (Darrin)
Stefon Diggs 14 (Alec)
Marquise Brown 6 (Alec)
Kenny Golladay 3 (Alec)
Tyreek Hill 3 (Ryan)
TE
Evan Engram 80 (Darrin)
Travis Kelce 75 (Andy)
Zach Ertz 66 (Sneen)
Austin Hooper 35 (Scott)
David Njoku 12 (Nick)
Hunter Henry 10 (Ryan)
Jared Cook 9 (Scott)
Mark Andrews 4 (Nick)
Greg Olsen 2 (Cole)
T.J. Hockenson 1 (Scott)
Greg Olsen 2 (Cole)
T.J. Hockenson 1 (Scott)
PK
Greg Zuerlein 56 (Ryan)
Wil Lutz 50 (Andy)
Justin Tucker 50 (Alec)
Jake Elliott 30 (Sneen)
Mason Crosby 19 (Cole)
Ka'imi Fairbairn 16 (Scott)
Mike Nugent 9 (Scott)
Joey Slye 2 (Darrin)
Mike Nugent 9 (Scott)
Joey Slye 2 (Darrin)
DF
New England Patriots 87 (Scott)
Chicago Bears 53 (Nick)
Los Angeles Rams 27 (Sneen)
Buffalo Bills 44 (Darrin)
New Orleans Saints 36 (Alec)
Los Angeles Chargers 35 (Ryan)
Philadelphia Eagles 35 (Cole)
Philadelphia Eagles 35 (Cole)
Baltimore Ravens 18 (Andy)
Dallas Cowboys 11 (Andy)
Carolina Panthers 7 (Cole)
Jacksonville Jaguars 7 (Scott/Cole)
Tennessee Titans 7 (Andy)
Tennessee Titans 7 (Andy)
Hypothetical Standings
30 to 50 Feral Hogs 5-0Team ChowHounds 3-2
Colieveland 96ers 3-2
Rise From The Asches 2-3
Tax Paying Homeowner 2-3
I Want 2 Lick Coles Hairy Ass 2-3
Team Easy Breesy 2-3
[Kathy Walters' Actual Phone Number] 1-4
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