As The WRBL Turns, S03 E12

The Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 12
Our 3rd semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for the lack of streaming Tight End options this season.

Current Standings
Bo Levi Mitchell Division
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 8-4 L3
Moon's Microdongs (Nick Zurawski) 8-4 L1
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 6-6 W3
Team Moon (Evan Moon) 1-11 L11

Henry Burriss Division

Bought Not Built (Scott Aschebrook) 9-3 W4

TyRod Henke (Andy Todd) 6-6 W1

Fuck The Playoff System (Cole Walters) 6-6 W1

Team Swanson (Alec Swanson) 4-8 L1

Week Twelve Final Scores

WALTERS  135 ASCHEBROOK SR.  125
ASCHEBROOK JR.  161 ZURAWSKI  115
TODD  109 MOON  95
SNEEN  154 SWANSON  97

991

(AP/Michael Ainsworth)
Hero of the Week: TE Jordan Reed (Sneen Machine)

Heroes of the Week: WR Antonio Brown (Walters), TE Jordan Reed (Sneen), WR Mike Evans (Aschebrook Jr.)

Zeroes of the Week: TE Antonio Gates (Zurawski), WR Brandin Cooks (Walters), K Adam Vinatieri (Zurawski)

David Grunfeld - NOLA.com
Zero of the Week: WR Brandin Cooks (Fuck The Playoff System)

Upcoming Week 13 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

SNEEN MACHINE vs. TyRod Henke

Moon's Microdongs vs. Fuck The Playoff System

Team ChowHounds vs. Team Swanson

Team Moon vs. Bought Not Built

Final 2 Bye Week Teams: Cleveland and Tennessee

Thursday: Dallas @ Minnesota 7:25 PM

Sunday: Kansas City @ Atlanta NOON

Detroit @ New Orleans NOON

Los Angeles @ New England NOON

Denver @ Jacksonville NOON

Houston @ Green Bay NOON

Philadelphia @ Cincinnati NOON

Miami @ Baltimore NOON

San Francisco @ Chicago NOON

Buffalo @ Oakland 3:05 PM

NY Giants @ Pittsburgh 3:25 PM

Washington @ Arizona 3:25 PM

Tampa Bay @ San Diego 3:25 PM

Carolina @ Seattle 7:30 PM

Monday: Indianapolis @ NY Jets 7:30 PM

Bro...

When Cole Walters went into Monday night up by 13 with only Davante Adams to counter Team ChowHounds' Aaron Rodgers and Mason Crosby, it was seen as very possible and with about a 55% likelihood (totally making up that number) that Cole was staring at a 5-7 record with Sneen and I playing for the fourth seed this week. Aaron Rodgers had other plans for both Cole and Scott's dad. The Green Bay quarterback led one of the most sufficient offensive attacks they've had all season and it was entirely reliant on the usual pinpoint accuracy of Rodgers plus the sudden-miracle hands of none other than Fuck The Playoff System's Davante Adams. The deficit at the beginning of the night was +13 Cole and the deficit at the end of the night and week was +10 Cole. This has created a cluster of fun and drama around the final playoff spot with no signs of being solved before the last possible moment (Week 14). Somehow among the three teams with 8 wins, only one won (congratulations to our hero and cult leader Scott Aschebrook) and among the three mediocre 5-6 teams, everybody won and the strength of schedule looks tougher for the rest of the league. It's too bad we don't have a committee because that wouldn't stir up controversy whatsoever!

I forgot to mention Aaron Rodgers' ice fishing excursion mid-game. Oh well.

Speaking of committees, the NCAA football season turned it up another notch this past weekend with the double overtime Michigan-Ohio State game and with the Ohio State win, the Wolverines should have virtually been eliminated from the college football playoff. Now, if any of the three top four ranked teams that play this weekend lose (Alabama, Clemson, Washington), the committee will likely rely on the winner of the Big Ten Championship to sneak in over Michigan due to a "strong" win while Michigan does not play this weekend. It's all setting up a pretty fun weekend where everybody will be watching the same exact handful of games unlike most weeks when there are college football games on every network at all times until 2 AM. In professional news, Thanksgiving saw two great games end in improved playoff odds for both the now 10-1 Dallas Cowboys and the now 7-4 Detroit Lions and a harder road forward for the 6-4-1 Washington team and the 6-5 Minnesota Vikings. Scott Tolzien was not starter-worthy, Matt Barkley surprisingly was and neither the Colts nor Bears won because why would good things happen to front offices with such weak recent histories? Sunday saw the Raiders beat the Panthers in a Summary of 2016 game and the Falcons beat the Cardinals in another game with similar vibes. The Jets gave the limping Pats a scare and the Chiefs pulled off an incredible last-second OT win over Denver but otherwise, it was a pretty predictable weekend from an NFL standpoint. Sidenote: The NFL's teams are so bad this year that a team that has trailed in all 11 4th quarters they've played (the Lions) are now in first place in the NFC North.

USA TODAY
He didn't have to hit a 62-yarder but, Cairo Santos still won the battle of the kickers Sunday night.

I've pretty much covered all WRBL results up to this point but, just in case it wasn't made clear enough by the won-loss record changes from last week to this week... Cole beat Scott's dad in an upset thanks to Davante Adams turning his career around (how convenient, considering it was only 18 months of my life and a 2nd rounder that I will never get back because of Adams in my TD-only league before I gave up on him for the likes of Ty Montgomery). SNEEN destroyed Swanson with no regards for swan life after Jordan Reed (who I conveniently traded to my opponent in my TD-only league for a conditional 3rd rounder & Jimmy Graham only to lose by 22 points, a margin that would have been +2 in favor of the Todds had the deal not gone through) tore an AC joint in his arm only to return and have his best fantasy week of the season. I half-assed my way to victory over full-ass Team Moon (who conveniently remembered to stick a QB in his lineup for the first time in a month and it was 20 points of big 'ol Ben Rottenburger) and most importantly, Scott's god dream of a dynasty team put up a buck sixty one on Moon's slightly limp Microdongs (115 was only fifth in points this week, good job league!). Despite a loss last week, I moved up to 4th and despite a win this week, I moved down to 5th. CLEARLY the world is conspiring against me and this doesn't have anything to do with my individual points total on a week-to-week basis in comparison to Cole Walters' (last week I led by 14, this week I'm losing by 12).

USA TODAY
Davante Adams is the #2 Green Bay payed Randall Cobb to be.

Enough about me (the man who won the league unofficially in 2013 and officially in '15), this week is filled with intense WRBL action including... Sneen and I in a "loser feels nothing but intense pain and doom after making the finals only a year ago" matchup. Realistically neither of us deserve the final playoff spot based on both points and karmic forces for making the big game last year. The problem with that logic is that constantly-griping Cole Walters and his "Fuck The Playoff System" attitude might actually be allowed into the playoffs with a virtual bye week coming in week 14 (Team Moon) and an upset victory over Nick Zurawski? #Way3Intense5Me. Aschebrook Senior gets a chance to get back on the right path with an easier week versus 4-8 Team Swanson after Darrin has dropped 3 in a row. Also, Scott could set his worst possible lineup and still be the #1 seed since he faces Team Moon. Back to life, back to reality: The Vikings attempt to stay alive in postseason discussions by pulling off the upset of the season over the red-hot Dallas Cowboys, the Rams try to bounce back from covering Brandin Cooks and nobody else to covering Rob Gronkowski or Julian Edelman and nobody else. Now that we know who the respectable teams are (there aren't many), the slate of games on Sunday looks much more worthwhile than previous weeks and that's why I'm surprised that ESPN still has to air Colts-Jets on Monday night (eww). At the end of the week, it will likely come down to either Sneen or I rooting for T.Y. Hilton, Adam Vinatieri and Brandon Marshall having a Monday to remember for Nick, who will likely need a comeback win with only 6/9 players going on Sunday, to defeat the venomous Cole Walters.

Scoring Leaders

QB

Aaron Rodgers 248 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Tom Brady 159 (TODD)

Cam Newton 155 (ASCHEBROOK)

Ben Roethlisberger 139 (SWANSON/MOON)

Drew Brees 105 (TODD)

Carson Palmer 103 (MOON)

Jameis Winston 89 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Dak Prescott 87 (WALTERS)

Philip Rivers 86 (ZURAWSKI)

Russell Wilson 78 (SNEEN)

Matt Ryan 76 (ASCHEBROOK)

Andrew Luck 75 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI)

Marcus Mariota 67 (SNEEN)

Matthew Stafford 65 (WALTERS)

Kirk Cousins 56 (ZURAWSKI)

Blake Bortles 44 (WALTERS)

Eli Manning 29 (SNEEN)

Andy Dalton 15 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Alex Smith 8 (ZURAWSKI)

RB

David Johnson 273 (ZURAWSKI)

DeMarco Murray 197 (ASCHEBROOK)

Le'Veon Bell 189 (ASCHEBROOK)

Melvin Gordon 180 (WALTERS)

LeSean McCoy 168 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Devonta Freeman 166 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Ezekiel Elliott 161 (MOON/ASCHEBROOK)

Lamar Miller 142 (SNEEN)

Todd Gurley 130 (TODD)

Frank Gore 101 (ZURAWSKI)

C.J. Anderson 96 (WALTERS)

Christine Michael 90 (SNEEN)

Matt Forte 89 (SWANSON)

Latavius Murray 86 (SWANSON)

Duke Johnson Jr. 78 (MOON)

Theo Riddick 77 (SNEEN)

Mark Ingram 76 (ASCHEBROOK)

LeGarrette Blount 75 (SWANSON)

Jordan Howard 70 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Spencer Ware 70 (TODD/SWANSON)

DeAngelo Williams 64 (ASCHEBROOK)

Carlos Hyde 63 (SWANSON)

Jay Ajayi 51 (ZURAWSKI)

Isaiah Crowell 47 (WALTERS)

Jonathan Stewart 38 (MOON)

Giovani Bernard 37 (SNEEN)

Doug Martin 35 (WALTERS)

Devontae Booker 30 (TODD)

Jacquizz Rodgers 29 (TODD)

Ameer Abdullah 25 (TODD)

Charles Sims 25 (ZURAWSKI)

Darren Sproles 25 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Danny Woodhead 25 (ZURAWSKI)

Eddie Lacy 24 (MOON)

James White 15 (ASCHEBROOK)

Tevin Coleman 14 (WALTERS)

Ryan Mathews 14 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jamaal Charles 12 (TODD)
Ty Montgomery 11 (TODD)
Matt Asiata 9 (WALTERS)
DeAndre Washington 9 (TODD)

Charcandrick West 9 (ZURAWSKI)
Rashad Jennings 7 (ZURAWSKI)

Jeremy Langford 7 (WALTERS)

Adrian Peterson 6 (MOON)

Jerick McKinnon 5 (SNEEN)
Thomas Rawls 3 (TODD)
Chris Ivory 2 (TODD)

WR

Antonio Brown 237 (WALTERS)

Mike Evans 232 (ASCHEBROOK)

Julio Jones 204 (ASCHEBROOK)

Odell Beckham Jr. 197 (SNEEN)

Larry Fitzgerald 187 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

A.J. Green 167 (SWANSON)

T.Y. Hilton 159 (ZURAWSKI)

Brandin Cooks 157 (WALTERS)

Demaryius Thomas 157 (MOON)

Allen Robinson 144 (SWANSON)

Amari Cooper 142 (MOON)

DeAndre Hopkins 129 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jordy Nelson 126 (TODD)

Jarvis Landry 113 (TODD)

Brandon Marshall 106 (ZURAWSKI)

Dez Bryant 98 (SNEEN)

Alshon Jeffery 89 (SWANSON)

Emmanuel Sanders 79 (TODD/ZURAWSKI)

Willie Snead 75 (SNEEN)

Mike Wallace 73 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Doug Baldwin 71 (MOON)

DeSean Jackson 70 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Julian Edelman 56 (WALTERS/TODD)

Marvin Jones 53 (MOON)

Davante Adams 49 (WALTERS)

Kelvin Benjamin 45 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI)

Steve Smith Sr. 45 (SNEEN)

Eric Decker 39 (SNEEN)

Tyrell Williams 39 (SWANSON)

Randall Cobb 37 (TODD/WALTERS)

Jordan Matthews 37 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Travis Benjamin 36 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jeremy Maclin 36 (ASCHEBROOK)

Michael Crabtree 34 (ASCHEBROOK)

Terrelle Pryor 33 (TODD)

Donte Moncrief 32 (ASCHEBROOK SR./TODD)

Corey Coleman 30 (MOON)

Golden Tate 25 (WALTERS)

Michael Thomas 24 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Stefon Diggs 17 (TODD)

Jamison Crowder 16 (TODD)
Keenan Allen 12 (ZURAWSKI)

Sammy Watkins 12 (ZURAWSKI)

John Brown 10 (SNEEN)

Quincy Enunwa 3 (SWANSON)

Cameron Meredith 2 (TODD)

TE

Greg Olsen 153 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jordan Reed 148 (SNEEN)

Delanie Walker 147 (TODD)

Travis Kelce 140 (WALTERS)

Rob Gronkowski 94 (ZURAWSKI)

Jimmy Graham 68 (ASCHEBROOK)

Martellus Bennett 57 (SWANSON)

Julius Thomas 53 (MOON)

Hunter Henry 51 (TODD/MOON)

Jason Witten 42 (ASCHEBROOK/WALTERS/SWANSON)

Coby Fleener 38 (SNEEN)

Tyler Eifert 35 (ASCHEBROOK)

Antonio Gates 34 (ZURAWSKI)

Eric Ebron 33 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI)

Dennis Pitta 26 (ASCHEBROOK)

Zach Miller 14 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Kyle Rudolph 10 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jared Cook 1 (ASCHEBROOK)

K

Justin Tucker 121 (MOON/ASCHEBROOK)

Adam Vinatieri 103 (ZURAWSKI)
Brandon McManus 91 (TODD)

Stephen Gostkowski 82 (SNEEN)

Mason Crosby 76 (ASCHEBROOK/ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dan Bailey 60 (WALTERS/SNEEN/TODD)

Matt Bryant 57 (SWANSON/WALTERS)

Matt Prater 52 (WALTERS)

Graham Gano 45 (SWANSON)

Steven Hauschka 42 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dustin Hopkins 34 (ASCHEBROOK)

Wil Lutz 30 (MOON)

Cairo Santos 13 (SWANSON)

Josh Lambo 7 (WALTERS)

DF

Denver Broncos 110 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Minnesota Vikings 83 (TODD)

Carolina Panthers 72 (SWANSON)

Baltimore Ravens 64 (MOON)

Arizona Cardinals 58 (ASCHEBROOK)

Houston Texans 49 (WALTERS/SNEEN)

New York Giants 49 (ZURAWSKI/SNEEN)

Seattle Seahawks 35 (ASCHEBROOK)

New England Patriots 34 (SNEEN/WALTERS)

Kansas City Chiefs 33 (MOON)

Pittsburgh Steelers 33 (TODD)

Cincinnati Bengals 32 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Green Bay Packers 23 (SNEEN/WALTERS)

Miami Dolphins 22 (WALTERS/ZURAWSKI)

Philadelphia Eagles 21 (TODD)
Chicago Bears 17 (ZURAWSKI/WALTERS)

New York Jets 12 (ZURAWSKI)
Dallas Cowboys 9 (SNEEN)

Tennessee Titans 6 (SWANSON)

Indianapolis Colts 2 (SNEEN)

Hypothetical Standings

Bought Not Built 10-2

Team ChowHounds 9-3

Team Swanson 7-5

Moon's Microdongs 6-6

Fuck The Playoff System 5-7

TyRod Henke 5-7

SNEEN MACHINE 5-7

Team Moon 1-11