As The WRBL Turns, S03 E11

The Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 11
Our 3rd semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for how some people pronounce "mature".

Current Standings
Thunder Division
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 8-3 L2
Moon's Microdongs (Nick Zurawski) 8-3 W3
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 5-6 W2
Team Moon (Evan Moon) 1-10 L10

Lightning Division

Bought Not Built (Scott Aschebrook) 8-3 W3

TyRod Henke (Andy Todd) 5-6 L1

Fuck The Playoff System (Cole Walters) 5-6 L2

Team Swanson (Alec Swanson) 4-7 W1

Week Eleven Final Scores

ZURAWSKI  136 TODD  135
ASCHEBROOK JR.  107 ASCHEBROOK SR.  89
SNEEN  138 WALTERS  99
SWANSON  79 MOON  52

835

USA TODAY
Hero of the Week: RB David Johnson (Moon's Microdongs)

Heroes of the Week: RB Le'Veon Bell (Aschebrook), RB David Johnson (Zurawski), QB Aaron Rodgers (Aschebrook Sr.)

Zeroes of the Week: Owner Evan Moon (Moon), DF Baltimore Ravens (Moon), DF Philadelphia Eagles (Aschebrook Sr.)

Ronald Martinez/Getty Images
Zero of the Week: DF Baltimore Ravens (Team Moon)

Upcoming Week 12 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

Bought Not Built vs. Moon's Microdongs
Fuck The Playoff System vs. Team ChowHounds
Team Swanson vs. SNEEN MACHINE
TyRod Henke vs. Team Moon

Bye Weeks: THERE ARE NONE BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF AVAILABLE SUNDAY GAMES!

Gobble, Gobble, Motherfuckers: Minnesota @ Detroit 11:30 AM
Washington @ Dallas 3:30 PM
Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis 7:30 PM

Sunday: Tennessee @ Chicago NOON

Jacksonville @ Buffalo NOON

Cincinnati @ Baltimore NOON

Arizona @ Atlanta NOON

NY Giants @ Cleveland NOON

Los Angeles @ New Orleans NOON

San Francisco @ Miami NOON

San Diego @ Houston NOON

Seattle @ Tampa Bay 3:05 

Carolina @ Oakland 3:25

New England @ NY Jets 3:25

Kansas City @ Denver 7:30

Monday: Green Bay @ Philadelphia 7:30

Bro...

The entire focus of the WRBL Reviews this year seems to be the race for the fourth playoff seed. As we now realize nobody actually wants the #4 seed (3 5-6 teams), the focus is on the race for the #1 seed, where Team ChowHounds have cooled off and both Nick and the spawn of chow have improved via trades and the waiver wire, grouping all three together at 8-3. What a mess we have created this year. Speaking of messes, it's time to bury the Green Bay Packers, Arizona Cardinals and Cincinnati Bengals. Speaking of teams to bury... Cleveland is the first team officially eliminated from playoff contention and the fact that it took them 0-11 to get eliminated should mean a ban for the AFC North from having any playoff teams. It's rivalry weekend in college football and if you are not a fan but want to be, check out Ohio State-Michigan or Alabama-Auburn on Saturday or (sleeper pick) Washington-Washington State the day after Thanksgiving at 2:30 PM on FOX. College basketball also started this past weekend... you're right, I'll move on.

USA TODAY
ABOVE: A photo of a college sport that has not been relevant in 30 years.

I did not imagine that a 118-61 lead over TyRod Henke could be deemed an "unsafe" margin but, my team crushed expectations thanks to Julian Edelman's biggest game of the season (thanks Cole), Todd Gurley's longest run of the season (24-yard TD) and a 4 touchdown game from Tom Brady. Of course, Nick had Jay Ajayi get a respectable-yet-underwhelming 10 points and 8 points from Miami's defense so, there was still work to be done on TyRod Henke's part. I LITERALLY made a last-minute decision before kickoff of the Sunday night game to dump Emmanuel Sanders (</3) for Jamison Crowder and thought about moving Crowder into my lineup for Jordy Nelson for five seconds before not pressing the button. When Nelson caught a touchdown that totally could have maybe, for sure, who knows, been an incomplete pass, I thought things might end well for the squad this week. Of course, fresh in my mind was still Jordy Nelson completely embarrassing fantasy owners last month on the Thursday night game from hell (vs. Chicago) so, I tempered my expectations. Alas, the Packers offense was pretty solid and their defense couldn't do anything so, that SHOULD have been the perfect recipe for some Jordy-based success, right? Nope. Nick still led by three and despite Mike McCarthy inexplicably keeping all of his offensive starters in on the last drive besides Aaron Rodgers, Brett Hundley could only complete one pass out of four and shockingly, it was to Nelson. The problem was that Jordy ran sideways instead of forward and with 28 yards on the evening, Moon's Microdongs won by two yards and are now tied with both Aschebrook owners with Scott holding the points advantage necessary for the #1 seed. Jordy Nelson was not enough with his three catches (28 yards & a TD) Jamison Crowder would have been enough with his three catches (102 & a TD).

My excuse for talking about my own matchup first this week is that none of the other matchups were THAT close and what am I supposed to talk about? Swanson-Moon? That's a balk. The YUUUGEST match this week was between father and son as Scott's Bought Not Built beat Team ChowHounds as a result of injuries to Darren Sproles and LeSean McCoy and Le'Veon Bell just being the beast that he is. Both Aschebrooks and Nick are now 8-3 and with three weeks remaining and are all likely locks for the playoffs. SNEEN MACHINE LITERALLY upset Cole as Cole has now gone back into full bitter Walters mode, claiming that his team "sucks" and accepting a fate of being robbed out of a playoff spot again despite there being plenty of time for him to make up ground. Did I mention that despite my loss, I had enough points in a low-scoring week to pass up Cole for the #4 seed? Even when I lose I win! You people must despise me. Sneen's team is coming on strong now with two of his three quarterbacks playing MVP-caliber football (Mariota & Russell Wilson) and one of the Dez/ODB combo coming through on seemingly alternating weeks. Much like the matchup where the top scoring team beat the second-highest scoring team for the week, the second-lowest scoring team (Team Swanson) beat the lowest scoring smoldering crater of vast nothingness (Team Moon) 79-52. So... Alec is even still technically alive at 4-7. That's how little people want the 4th seed.

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Is this the face of a man that you want in the postseason? DIDN'T THINK SO.

ALERTALERTALERT! The fantasy championship basically takes place on Saturday, Christmas Eve and Sunday, Christmas Day. This almost definitely causes a scheduling conflict for some people in the league as that is typically the week we meet and yadayadayada, a trophy is won. I just thought I would bring this to everyone's attention so that we may reschedule the end-of-season meeting. 

Ohhhhhhweeeee the tension is high in the WRBL this week as Moon's smoldering crater of 1-10 awesomeness plays against 4th seed TyRod Henke and I'm sure it'll end up being unnecessarily close because of Duke Johnson Jr. finally turning into Le'Veon Bell or Doug Baldwin catching three touchdowns again. Fighting for playoff seeding is fun and all but, ultimately both 8-3 Moon's Microdongs and 8-3 Bought Not Built will be in the postseason and the winner of this battle will only boost their reputation (and odds at the #1 seed) more than anything else. Cole is still bitter at Scott's dad for making the playoffs last year by having more points than Cole and is currently listed as a -6 point favorite as I type this so, expect this matchup to be the best of the weekend as Fuck The Playoff System is desperate and Team ChowHounds are slipping again. The last game is Team Swanson versus SNEEN MACHINE and SNEEN wants a win badly as he needs to keep up with Cole and I's point totals being around 100 points higher than his MACHINE's. Swanny Dog is just looking for some hope in the dark void that is his 2016 football season. Good news: There are no bye weeks this week! Bad news: 3 games TOMORROW. Set your lineups accordingly. The great news is that every games looks awesome on paper this Turkey Day. The bad news is that it is Turkey Day and your relatives have shitty opinions. Enjoy the holiday and remember, do the right thing at the right time because CHARACTER is your destiny!

Scoring Leaders

QB

Aaron Rodgers 226 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Tom Brady 140 (TODD)

Cam Newton 136 (ASCHEBROOK)

Ben Roethlisberger 119 (SWANSON)

Drew Brees 105 (TODD)

Carson Palmer 103 (MOON)

Philip Rivers 86 (ZURAWSKI)

Russell Wilson 78 (SNEEN)

Matt Ryan 76 (ASCHEBROOK)

Andrew Luck 75 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI)

Jameis Winston 74 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Dak Prescott 67 (WALTERS)

Matthew Stafford 65 (WALTERS)

Marcus Mariota 46 (SNEEN)

Blake Bortles 44 (WALTERS)

Eli Manning 29 (SNEEN)

Kirk Cousins 27 (ZURAWSKI)
Andy Dalton 15 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Alex Smith 8 (ZURAWSKI)

RB

David Johnson 244 (ZURAWSKI)

DeMarco Murray 184 (ASCHEBROOK)

Melvin Gordon 168 (WALTERS)

Le'Veon Bell 165 (ASCHEBROOK)

Devonta Freeman 145 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

LeSean McCoy 139 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Ezekiel Elliott 136 (MOON/ASCHEBROOK)

Lamar Miller 135 (SNEEN)

Todd Gurley 118 (TODD)

Frank Gore 101 (ZURAWSKI)

C.J. Anderson 96 (WALTERS)

Christine Michael 90 (SNEEN)

Matt Forte 89 (SWANSON)

Latavius Murray 86 (SWANSON)

Mark Ingram 76 (ASCHEBROOK)

Duke Johnson Jr. 72 (MOON)

LeGarrette Blount 69 (SWANSON)

Theo Riddick 67 (SNEEN)

DeAngelo Williams 64 (ASCHEBROOK)

Carlos Hyde 63 (SWANSON)

Spencer Ware 59 (TODD/SWANSON)

Jordan Howard 55 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Isaiah Crowell 47 (WALTERS)

Jay Ajayi 39 (ZURAWSKI)

Giovani Bernard 37 (SNEEN)

Devontae Booker 30 (TODD)

Jacquizz Rodgers 29 (TODD)

Doug Martin 27 (WALTERS)

Ameer Abdullah 25 (TODD)

Charles Sims 25 (ZURAWSKI)

Darren Sproles 25 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Danny Woodhead 25 (ZURAWSKI)

Eddie Lacy 24 (MOON)

Jonathan Stewart 17 (MOON)

James White 15 (ASCHEBROOK)

Tevin Coleman 14 (WALTERS)

Ryan Mathews 14 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jamaal Charles 12 (TODD)
Ty Montgomery 11 (TODD)
Matt Asiata 9 (WALTERS)
DeAndre Washington 9 (TODD)

Charcandrick West 9 (ZURAWSKI)

Jeremy Langford 7 (WALTERS)

Adrian Peterson 6 (MOON)

Jerick McKinnon 5 (SNEEN)
Chris Ivory 2 (TODD)

WR

Antonio Brown 205 (WALTERS)

Mike Evans 202 (ASCHEBROOK)

Julio Jones 197 (ASCHEBROOK)

Larry Fitzgerald 178 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Odell Beckham Jr. 170 (SNEEN)

A.J. Green 167 (SWANSON)

Brandin Cooks 157 (WALTERS)

T.Y. Hilton 151 (ZURAWSKI)

Demaryius Thomas 146 (MOON)

Amari Cooper 142 (MOON)

Allen Robinson 140 (SWANSON)

Jordy Nelson 126 (TODD)

DeAndre Hopkins 117 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jarvis Landry 113 (TODD)

Brandon Marshall 106 (ZURAWSKI)

Alshon Jeffery 89 (SWANSON)

Dez Bryant 86 (SNEEN)

Mike Wallace 65 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Doug Baldwin 61 (MOON)

Willie Snead 61 (SNEEN)

Marvin Jones 53 (MOON)

Emmanuel Sanders 50 (TODD)

DeSean Jackson 49 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Kelvin Benjamin 45 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI)

Steve Smith Sr. 45 (SNEEN)

Julian Edelman 40 (WALTERS/TODD)

Eric Decker 39 (SNEEN)

Randall Cobb 37 (TODD/WALTERS)

Jordan Matthews 37 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Travis Benjamin 36 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jeremy Maclin 36 (ASCHEBROOK)

Michael Crabtree 34 (ASCHEBROOK)

Terrelle Pryor 33 (TODD)

Donte Moncrief 32 (ASCHEBROOK SR./TODD)

Golden Tate 25 (WALTERS)

Michael Thomas 24 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Davante Adams 21 (WALTERS)

Corey Coleman 18 (MOON)

Tyrell Williams 18 (SWANSON)

Stefon Diggs 17 (TODD)
Keenan Allen 12 (ZURAWSKI)

Sammy Watkins 12 (ZURAWSKI)

John Brown 10 (SNEEN)

Quincy Enunwa 3 (SWANSON)

Cameron Meredith 2 (TODD)

TE

Greg Olsen 145 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Delanie Walker 133 (TODD)

Travis Kelce 122 (WALTERS)

Jordan Reed 117 (SNEEN)

Rob Gronkowski 94 (ZURAWSKI)

Jimmy Graham 68 (ASCHEBROOK)

Julius Thomas 53 (MOON)

Martellus Bennett 52 (SWANSON)

Hunter Henry 51 (TODD/MOON)

Jason Witten 42 (ASCHEBROOK/WALTERS/SWANSON)

Coby Fleener 38 (SNEEN)

Antonio Gates 34 (ZURAWSKI)

Eric Ebron 33 (SWANSON/ZURAWSKI)

Dennis Pitta 26 (ASCHEBROOK)

Tyler Eifert 18 (ASCHEBROOK)

Zach Miller 14 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Kyle Rudolph 10 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jared Cook 1 (ASCHEBROOK)

K

Adam Vinatieri 103 (ZURAWSKI)
Justin Tucker 102 (MOON/ASCHEBROOK)

Brandon McManus 91 (TODD)

Stephen Gostkowski 72 (SNEEN)

Mason Crosby 67 (ASCHEBROOK/ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dan Bailey 52 (WALTERS/SNEEN/TODD)

Matt Prater 52 (WALTERS)

Matt Bryant 48 (SWANSON)

Graham Gano 45 (SWANSON)

Steven Hauschka 42 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dustin Hopkins 34 (ASCHEBROOK)

Wil Lutz 23 (MOON)
Josh Lambo 7 (WALTERS)
Cairo Santos 5 (SWANSON)

DF

Denver Broncos 103 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Minnesota Vikings 83 (TODD)

Carolina Panthers 70 (SWANSON)

Arizona Cardinals 58 (ASCHEBROOK)

Baltimore Ravens 56 (MOON)

Houston Texans 49 (WALTERS/SNEEN)

Kansas City Chiefs 33 (MOON)

Cincinnati Bengals 32 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)

Seattle Seahawks 28 (ASCHEBROOK)

New York Giants 27 (ZURAWSKI/SNEEN)

New England Patriots 26 (SNEEN/WALTERS)

Green Bay Packers 23 (SNEEN/WALTERS)
Pittsburgh Steelers 23 (TODD)

Miami Dolphins 21 (WALTERS/ZURAWSKI)

Philadelphia Eagles 21 (TODD)
Chicago Bears 17 (ZURAWSKI/WALTERS)

New York Jets 12 (ZURAWSKI)
Dallas Cowboys 9 (SNEEN)

Tennessee Titans 6 (SWANSON)

Indianapolis Colts 2 (SNEEN)

Hypothetical Standings

Bought Not Built 9-2

Team ChowHounds 8-3

Team Swanson 7-4

Moon's Microdongs 6-5

TyRod Henke 5-6

Fuck The Playoff System 4-7

SNEEN MACHINE 4-7

Team Moon 1-10