Week 7
Our 3rd semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for Fruit Stripes Gum.
Current Standings
Knope Division
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 6-1 W3
Moon's Microdongs (Nick Zurawski) 5-2 W5
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 2-5 L1
Team Moon (Evan Moon) 1-6 L6
Perkins Division
Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam? (Scott Aschebrook) 5-2 W2
TyRod Henke (Andy Todd) 3-4 L2
Team Swanson (Alec Swanson) 3-4 L2
Fuck The Playoff System (Cole Walters) 3-4 W1
TyRod Henke (Andy Todd) 3-4 L2
Team Swanson (Alec Swanson) 3-4 L2
Fuck The Playoff System (Cole Walters) 3-4 W1
Week Seven Final Scores
ZURAWSKI 140 SWANSON 129
ASCHEBROOK SR. 117 TODD 104
ASCHEBROOK JR. 144 SNEEN 79WALTERS 136 MOON 87
936
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| (Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images) Hero of the Week: RB Melvin Gordon (Fuck The Playoff System) |
Heroes of the Week: RB Melvin Gordon (Walters), WR A.J. Green (Swanson), WR Mike Evans (Aschebrook)
Zeroes of the Week: Owner Evan Moon (Moon), Chicago Bears, Overtime kickers
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| (Getty Images) Zero of the Week: The Chicago Bears |
Upcoming Week 8 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)
Moon's Microdongs vs. Team ChowHounds
Fuck The Playoff System vs. Team Swanson
TyRod Henke vs. Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam?
SNEEN MACHINE vs. Team Moon
Fuck The Playoff System vs. Team Swanson
TyRod Henke vs. Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam?
SNEEN MACHINE vs. Team Moon
Bye Weeks: Los Angeles, Miami, NY Giants, Baltimore, Pittsburgh & San Francisco
Thursday Game: Jacksonville @ Tennessee 7:25 PM
Stupid Sunday Morning London Game: Washington vs. Cincinnati 8:30 AM
Sunday: Kansas City @ Indianapolis NOON
Oakland @ Tampa Bay NOON
Seattle @ New Orleans NOON
Detroit @ Houston NOON
NY Jets @ Cleveland NOON
New England @ Buffalo NOON
Arizona @ Carolina NOON
San Diego @ Denver 3:05
Green Bay @ Atlanta 3:25
Philadelphia @ Dallas 7:30
Monday: Minnesota @ Chicago 7:30
Bro...
There are no good teams in the NFL besides New England. I have given up on trying to understand the league beyond this fact and you should too. Every team has had one week where they look like a playoff team and then three weeks where, in true M. Night Shyamalan fashion, their souls get sucked from their bodies and they look like trash (see: Arizona, Green Bay & Oakland). The NBA season has begun and I have already moved on from football because at least the NBA makes it obvious who the good teams are. The NFL's quality of play and refereeing and coaching is just too watered down for my expensive taste anymore. Also, Baseball's World Series is going on and it's Cubs-Indians so, no matter who wins, the narrative around a bad luck baseball team will change forever.
This week in the WRBL, I don't deserve to have a team anymore. I've made a lot of fantasy football decisions in the past but, not starting every Packer receiver I owned (Randall Cobb, Jordy Nelson, Ty Montgomery) against Aaron Rodgers is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever done. Yep, Scott's dad only beat me this week because I defeated myself with Montgomery (22 points) & the recently-dealt Cobb (28) on the bench and instead, I had Cameron Meredith (2) starting in a game where his quarterback turned into Matt Barkley. I would have won by 7 with Montgomery in and 13 with Cobb in. I am not the only one to make a lineup mistake this week as Team Swanson kept the underachieving duo of Allen Robinson (2) and Alshon Jeffery (6) in his lineup instead of Jet running back Matt Forte (29) and lost by 11 as a result. The silver lining for each of us is that we remain tied (although now with Cole as well) in our division and at least we weren't alone in getting screwed over by the Packer-Bear game.
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| Stacy Revere/Getty Images Not even halfway through the season and my starting running backs are Jacquizz Rodgers and a wide receiver. I would have bet good money against that in week one. |
Also occurring in the WRBL, Moon's Microdongs have won five consecutive weeks after earning L's the first two weeks. Streaks like this just show that you can never truly count yourself out until week 10-ish if you have a severe case of the losing record blues. Team Swanson was the dongs latest victim despite 129 points and a win in the hypothetical standings where the top 4 highest scoring teams each week earn a win (in case you had forgotten the rules to that). As previously mentioned, Scott's dad is now 6-1 for the second consecutive season after my embarrassing lineup choices. The other two matchups were barely worth mentioning as Cole easily disposed of Team Moon (who had an open slot in his lineup at RB) and Scott destroyed now 2-5 SNEEN MACHINE (LOUD NOISES!).
In Week 8, the final London game is here and thank the lord for that because this past Sunday's 15 hours of football was overkill. The Titans and Jags play a likely forgettable Thursday night game which should only be relevant for DeMarco Murray owners. The noon slate is packed despite six teams on bye weeks and the highlight games are the Chiefs-Colts rematch of the 2014 playoff game featuring Andrew Luck's incredible comeback. Also, the Cardinals and Panthers play a loser-leaves-town game that nobody saw coming so soon in the season. At 3, there are just two games including the second Bronco-Charger game in three weeks and a highly intriguing Packers-Falcons game. The Sunday night game has two NFC East rivals playing for their playoff hopes and it stars two rookie quarterbacks so, what could possibly go wrong there? Speaking of what could possibly go wrong, we get the Bears in primetime again on Monday. Yipee fucking Ki Yay. At least Jay Cutler is back from his injury so, the game will be entertaining. In the WRBL, Scott's 6-1 dad and Moon's 5-2 dongs battle it out for first place in their division, Cole and Alec potentially play for second in the other division, I play Scott and am reminded of why Julio Jones is so awesome and Moon and Sneen slap-fight to avoid last place.
Trade: Cole acquires WR Randall Cobb from Andy for WR Julian Edelman.
Scoring Leaders
QB
Ben Roethlisberger 119 (SWANSON)
Aaron Rodgers 113 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Cam Newton 102 (ASCHEBROOK)Drew Brees 81 (TODD)
Carson Palmer 81 (MOON)
Tom Brady 73 (TODD)
Philip Rivers 69 (ZURAWSKI)
Russell Wilson 44 (SNEEN)
Blake Bortles 32 (WALTERS)
Kirk Cousins 27 (ZURAWSKI)
Andrew Luck 27 (SWANSON)
Andrew Luck 27 (SWANSON)
Matt Ryan 26 (ASCHEBROOK)
Alex Smith 8 (ZURAWSKI)
RB
David Johnson 167 (ZURAWSKI)
LeSean McCoy 127 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Ezekiel Elliott 114 (MOON)
Devonta Freeman 103 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
DeMarco Murray 102 (ASCHEBROOK)
C.J. Anderson 96 (WALTERS)
Melvin Gordon 96 (WALTERS)
Todd Gurley 88 (TODD)
Le'Veon Bell 87 (ASCHEBROOK)
Christine Michael 73 (SNEEN)
DeAngelo Williams 64 (ASCHEBROOK)
Carlos Hyde 63 (SWANSON)
LeGarrette Blount 57 (SWANSON)
Theo Riddick 43 (SNEEN)
Matt Forte 38 (SWANSON)
Jordan Howard 37 (ZURAWSKI)
Duke Johnson Jr. 37 (MOON)
Spencer Ware 35 (TODD/SWANSON)
Ameer Abdullah 25 (TODD)Danny Woodhead 25 (ZURAWSKI)
Eddie Lacy 24 (MOON)
Jacquizz Rodgers 16 (TODD)
Giovani Bernard 19 (SNEEN)
Tevin Coleman 14 (WALTERS)
Doug Martin 14 (WALTERS)
Jamaal Charles 12 (TODD)
James White 11 (ASCHEBROOK)
James White 11 (ASCHEBROOK)
Isaiah Crowell 9 (WALTERS)
DeAndre Washington 9 (TODD)
Jeremy Langford 7 (WALTERS)
Ryan Mathews 6 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Ryan Mathews 6 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Adrian Peterson 6 (MOON)
Jerick McKinnon 5 (SNEEN)
Chris Ivory 2 (TODD)
WR
Julio Jones 144 (ASCHEBROOK)
Antonio Brown 134 (WALTERS)
Mike Evans 127 (ASCHEBROOK)
A.J. Green 127 (SWANSON)
Larry Fitzgerald 124 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Odell Beckham Jr. 116 (SNEEN)
T.Y. Hilton 114 (ZURAWSKI)
Jarvis Landry 107 (TODD)
Brandin Cooks 103 (WALTERS)
DeAndre Hopkins 90 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Alshon Jeffery 81 (SWANSON)
Brandon Marshall 81 (ZURAWSKI)
Allen Robinson 70 (SWANSON)
Jordy Nelson 66 (TODD)
Marvin Jones 47 (MOON)
Willie Snead 44 (SNEEN)
Eric Decker 39 (SNEEN)
Travis Benjamin 36 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Jeremy Maclin 36 (ASCHEBROOK)
Randall Cobb 30 (TODD)
DeSean Jackson 27 (ZURAWSKI)
Mike Wallace 22 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Emmanuel Sanders 21 (TODD)
Donte Moncrief 19 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Julian Edelman 18 (WALTERS)
Stefon Diggs 17 (TODD)
Terrelle Pryor 15 (TODD)
Dez Bryant 14 (SNEEN)
Golden Tate 14 (WALTERS)
Golden Tate 14 (WALTERS)
Michael Crabtree 13 (ASCHEBROOK)
Keenan Allen 12 (ZURAWSKI)
Kelvin Benjamin 12 (SWANSON)
Sammy Watkins 12 (ZURAWSKI)
John Brown 10 (SNEEN)
Steve Smith Sr. 5 (SNEEN)
Cameron Meredith 2 (TODD)TE
Greg Olsen 112 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Jordan Reed 75 (SNEEN)
Delanie Walker 73 (TODD)
Rob Gronkowski 65 (ZURAWSKI)
Hunter Henry 48 (TODD/MOON)
Martellus Bennett 43 (SWANSON)
Coby Fleener 31 (SNEEN)
Dennis Pitta 26 (ASCHEBROOK)
Jimmy Graham 24 (ASCHEBROOK)
Eric Ebron 17 (SWANSON)
Jason Witten 15 (ASCHEBROOK/WALTERS)
Kyle Rudolph 10 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Zach Miller 7 (ZURAWSKI)
Jared Cook 1 (ASCHEBROOK)
K
Justin Tucker 78 (MOON)
Brandon McManus 59 (TODD)
Stephen Gostkowski 47 (SNEEN)
Mason Crosby 42 (ASCHEBROOK/ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Dustin Hopkins 26 (ASCHEBROOK)
Matt Prater 21 (WALTERS)
Matt Bryant 12 (SWANSON)
Matt Bryant 12 (SWANSON)
DF
Minnesota Vikings 80 (TODD)
Denver Broncos 74 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Arizona Cardinals 42 (ASCHEBROOK)
Cincinnati Bengals 32 (ZURAWSKI/SWANSON)
Green Bay Packers 29 (SNEEN/WALTERS)
Baltimore Ravens 27 (MOON)
Philadelphia Eagles 21 (TODD)
New York Giants 20 (ZURAWSKI)
New York Giants 20 (ZURAWSKI)
New England Patriots 17 (SNEEN)
Chicago Bears 7 (ZURAWSKI)
Tennessee Titans 6 (SWANSON)
Indianapolis Colts 2 (SNEEN)
Hypothetical Standings
Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam? 6-1
Team ChowHounds 5-2
Moon's Microdongs 5-2
Team Swanson 5-2
TyRod Henke 2-5
Fuck The Playoff System 2-5
SNEEN MACHINE 2-5
Team Moon 1-6
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