WRBL Week 6, 2016

The Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 6
Our 3rd semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for the Fonz jumping over a shark.

Current Standings
Hilton Division
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 5-1 W2
Moon's Microdongs (Nick Zurawski) 4-2 W4
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 2-4 W1
Team Moon (Evan Moon) 1-5 L5

Ritchie Division

Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam? (Scott Aschebrook) 4-2 W1
TyRod Henke (Andy Todd) 3-3 L1
Team Swanson (Alec Swanson) 3-3 L1
Fuck The Playoff System (Cole Walters) 2-4 L2

Week Six Final Scores

ASCHEBROOK JR.  132 MOON  118

ASCHEBROOK SR.  113 SWANSON  88

SNEEN  160 TODD  113

ZURAWSKI  129 WALTERS  86

939

(Al Bello/Getty Images)
Hero of the Week: WR Odell Beckham Jr. (SNEEN MACHINE)

Heroes of the Week: WR Odell Beckham Jr. (Sneen), RB David Johnson (Zurawski), RB LeSean McCoy (Aschebrook Sr.)

Zeroes of the Week: NFL Schedule Makers, My TD-only keeper team (Todd's Tornados), NFL Officials

Zero of the Week: Todd's Tornados. 0 TD's & 12 points from my kicker.
It Hurts To Live.

Upcoming Week 7 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

Team ChowHounds vs. TyRod Henke

Moon's Microdongs vs. Team Swanson

SNEEN MACHINE vs. Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam?

Team Moon vs. Fuck The Playoff System

Bye Weeks: Dallas & Carolina

Thursday Game: Chicago @ Green Bay 7:25 PM

Stupid Sunday Morning London Game: NY Giants vs. Los Angeles 8:30 AM

Sunday: New Orleans @ Kansas City NOON

Indianapolis @ Tennessee NOON

Minnesota @ Philadelphia NOON

Cleveland @ Cincinnati NOON

Washington @ Detroit NOON

Oakland @ Jacksonville NOON

Buffalo @ Miami NOON

Baltimore @ NY Jets NOON

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco 3:05

San Diego @ Atlanta 3:05

New England @ Pittsburgh 3:25

Seattle @ Arizona 7:30

Monday: Houston @ Denver 7:30

Bro...

Did anybody actually watch football this Sunday? I'm curious to know because it was a perfect autumn day and I had a birthday party to attend, therefore I only saw the last 7 minutes & OT of the Colts-Texans game (The Texans went from trailing 9-23 to winning 26-23 based on pure shittiness of their opponent and nothing else). Typically this opening would be filled with observations and general summaries of the past week in the NFL but, not today. It was the first time I had taken an entire Sunday off from football intentionally in as long as I can remember. It was a pretty wonderful, stress-free day (minus the scoring updates I got from a family member who kept telling my dad and I about the Cowboys' non-Ezekiel Elliott touchdowns). I chatted with family, I tried a pumpkin spice latte' for the first time because I had to see what the hype was all about (meh) and enjoyed one of the last tolerable temperature days we'll have in 2016. It was great because I had no idea that SNEEN MACHINE's entire lineup was juicing that afternoon and I had no idea that the Titans just plain forgot Delanie Walker. Ignorance is bliss.

There's still only one trade that's been made and it has made zero difference on the standings. Also, I've sent out at least two trade offers per week. Coincidence? It's a conspiracy to take down TyRod Henke I say! Other than the entire MACHINE functioning at 100%, Scott won by 14 because Evan, his opponent, had Carson Palmer and Palmer was not trusted by Arizona very much Monday night when they opted to run David Johnson (rightfully so) in to the end zone three times before he finally tossed a pointless, barely-registered-in-the-fantasy-sense touchdown to Michael Floyd to beat the Jets 28-3. Now, if Scott didn't have the Cardinals defense, the result may have been different had he picked up the Niners' defense but alas, the Cards' D racked up 11 points and Palmer had 12. Scott remains in first place in his division and Evan falls to a helpless and hopeless 1-5. Scott's dad still leads his division as well (it runs in the family) and protected that lead with an easier win over the inconsistent Team Swanson. Nick Zurawski rode Rob Gronkowski to another blowout of Cold Saltwaters Cole Walters. Waltdog was so salty after this loss that he changed his team name to "Fuck The Playoff System" even though there is no four-team playoff format that exists in which he would make the playoffs. It's easy to tell which one of these two doesn't go to Columbia. In league smack talk news....

-Proceeds to pick up James White one week later-

Baseball is the strongest active sport in entertainment terms right this moment. The Giants even year magic has ceased production after a 1-3 series loss to the Cubs, the Blue Jays and Indians both swept their opponents in the first round and now Cleveland leads Toronto 3-1 as the series heads back to Ohio and the Dodgers had to play five games to eliminate the Nationals plus they now lead the Chicago Cubs (-shocked emoji-) 2-1. Clayton Kershaw has cured his postseason jitters and Cleveland just seems to be on a roll as a city (no, not you, Browns). In other sports news none of you probably care about, my TD-only keeper team is now 2-4 and close to trading for Aaron Rodgers because fuck everything about the Tornados except the running backs (<3 Zeke & Gurley). Also, BASKETBALL STARTS NEXT WEEK LIKE WHAT? HOW?

Coming up in week 7, I try to break the tie for second place in my division with an upset over Scott's dad (who is now 11-1 in the week 1-6 range these past two seasons). Speaking of Scott's dad, Scott's dad's son Scott looks to keep first place all to himself in his division despite Cam Newton's bye week and the unpredictability of the Seahawks-Cardinals matchup (he owns both defenses). If Scott takes out Sneen, that could be the curtain call on Sneen's attempt at returning to the championship. Moon probably can't trust Carson Palmer anymore but, he may not need to when he takes on 2-4 Cole Salters. Lastly, Nick and Alec duel each other in a matchup that would shake up both divisions if Alec were to win or Scott's dad were to lose. Alec no longer has the #1 scoring QB as Ben Roethlisberger suffered his annual injury and Nick has yet to see anybody show up consistently at wide receiver (Brandon Marshall's QB is now Geno Smith). The NFL's product has not looked worse in a long time and the result is a bunch of uninspired performances from reliable fantasy receivers like Allen Robinson, Randall Cobb, Jeremy Maclin and so many more. I don't know if things will ever get better but if they do, it will likely be this week when A-Rob plays the shitty Colts, Cobb plays the Bears with the Packers leaning extremely heavily on their passing game and Maclin takes on the worst defense in the league with the Saints in Arrowhead. In other NFL games to look forward to, the Eagles look to define their season with an upset at home against the undefeated Vikings, the Patriots face Landry Jones and the no-longer-terrifying Steelers and the Cardinals face Seattle in a legitimately interesting Sunday Night Football game. All of this is nice and all but, the real story of Week 7 is what will Jon Gruden pull out of his bag of announcer tricks when the Broncos-Brock Osweiler reunion goes horribly wrong for Houston? We got virtual reality glasses this week, a pool noodle in week two and last year, he used a blender to make the "Spider 2 Y Banana smoothie". If we can't give the MVP to running backs anymore then Jon Gruden is the NFL MVP so far. 

I'm shedding tears of joy at this beautiful quote.

Scoring Leaders

QB

Ben Roethlisberger 119 (SWANSON)
Cam Newton 102 (ASCHEBROOK)
Aaron Rodgers 90 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Drew Brees 81 (TODD)

Carson Palmer 68 (MOON)

Matthew Stafford 65 (WALTERS)

Tom Brady 56 (TODD)

Philip Rivers 55 (ZURAWSKI)

Russell Wilson 34 (SNEEN)

Eli Manning 29 (SNEEN)

Kirk Cousins 27 (ZURAWSKI)

Blake Bortles 20 (WALTERS)

Andy Dalton 15 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Matt Ryan 14 (ASCHEBROOK)

Alex Smith 8 (ZURAWSKI)

RB

David Johnson 143 (ZURAWSKI)

LeSean McCoy 127 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Ezekiel Elliott 114 (MOON)

Devonta Freeman 89 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Lamar Miller 87 (SNEEN)

DeMarco Murray 81 (ASCHEBROOK)

C.J. Anderson 80 (WALTERS)

Todd Gurley 74 (TODD)
Mark Ingram 67 (ASCHEBROOK)

Christine Michael 65 (SNEEN)

DeAngelo Williams 64 (ASCHEBROOK)

Le'Veon Bell 63 (ASCHEBROOK)

Carlos Hyde 63 (SWANSON)

Melvin Gordon 61 (WALTERS)

Frank Gore 53 (ZURAWSKI)

Latavius Murray 44 (SWANSON)

Theo Riddick 43 (SNEEN)

Matt Forte 38 (SWANSON)

Jordan Howard 35 (ZURAWSKI)

LeGarrette Blount 32 (SWANSON)

Duke Johnson Jr. 31 (MOON)

Ameer Abdullah 25 (TODD)

Charles Sims 25 (ZURAWSKI)
Danny Woodhead 25 (ZURAWSKI)

Eddie Lacy 24 (MOON)

Spencer Ware 15 (TODD)

Doug Martin 14 (WALTERS)

Jamaal Charles 12 (TODD)

Isaiah Crowell 9 (WALTERS)

DeAndre Washington 9 (TODD)

Jeremy Langford 7 (WALTERS)

Adrian Peterson 6 (MOON)

Jerick McKinnon 5 (SNEEN)

Giovani Bernard 4 (SNEEN)

Chris Ivory 2 (TODD)

WR

Julio Jones 118 (ASCHEBROOK)

Antonio Brown 116 (WALTERS)

Larry Fitzgerald 108 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Odell Beckham Jr. 107 (SNEEN)

Amari Cooper 101 (MOON)

Mike Evans 98 (ASCHEBROOK)

A.J. Green 97 (SWANSON)

Jarvis Landry 93 (TODD)

T.Y. Hilton 88 (ZURAWSKI)

Demaryius Thomas 86 (MOON)

Brandin Cooks 85 (WALTERS)

DeAndre Hopkins 82 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Alshon Jeffery 75 (SWANSON)

Brandon Marshall 75 (ZURAWSKI)

Allen Robinson 68 (SWANSON)

Jordy Nelson 65 (TODD)

Eric Decker 39 (SNEEN)

Travis Benjamin 36 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jeremy Maclin 36 (ASCHEBROOK)

Marvin Jones 34 (MOON)

Randall Cobb 30 (TODD)

DeSean Jackson 27 (ZURAWSKI)

Willie Snead 27 (SNEEN)

Emmanuel Sanders 21 (TODD)

Donte Moncrief 19 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Julian Edelman 18 (WALTERS)

Stefon Diggs 17 (TODD)

Terrelle Pryor 15 (TODD)

Dez Bryant 14 (SNEEN)
Golden Tate 14 (WALTERS)

Michael Crabtree 13 (ASCHEBROOK)

Keenan Allen 12 (ZURAWSKI)

Kelvin Benjamin 12 (SWANSON)

Sammy Watkins 12 (ZURAWSKI)

John Brown 10 (SNEEN)

Steve Smith Sr. 5 (SNEEN)

TE

Greg Olsen 112 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jordan Reed 75 (SNEEN)
Travis Kelce 60 (WALTERS)

Delanie Walker 52 (TODD)

Rob Gronkowski 46 (ZURAWSKI)

Hunter Henry 46 (TODD/MOON)

Martellus Bennett 42 (SWANSON)

Julius Thomas 31 (MOON)

Dennis Pitta 26 (ASCHEBROOK)

Coby Fleener 25 (SNEEN)

Eric Ebron 17 (SWANSON)

Jason Witten 15 (ASCHEBROOK/WALTERS)

Jimmy Graham 14 (ASCHEBROOK)

Zach Miller 7 (ZURAWSKI)

Jared Cook 1 (ASCHEBROOK)

K

Adam Vinatieri 78 (ZURAWSKI)
Justin Tucker 64 (MOON)

Brandon McManus 50 (TODD)

Graham Gano 45 (SWANSON)

Stephen Gostkowski 44 (SNEEN)

Steven Hauschka 42 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dan Bailey 38 (WALTERS)

Mason Crosby 34 (ASCHEBROOK/ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dustin Hopkins 22 (ASCHEBROOK)

Matt Prater 13 (WALTERS)

DF

Minnesota Vikings 70 (TODD)

Denver Broncos 64 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Houston Texans 37 (WALTERS)

Arizona Cardinals 35 (ASCHEBROOK)

Kansas City Chiefs 33 (MOON)

Carolina Panthers 28 (SWANSON)

Cincinnati Bengals 26 (ZURAWSKI)

Seattle Seahawks 24 (ASCHEBROOK)

Philadelphia Eagles 21 (TODD)

Green Bay Packers 18 (SNEEN/WALTERS)

New England Patriots 15 (SNEEN)

Baltimore Ravens 10 (MOON)

Chicago Bears 7 (ZURAWSKI)

Tennessee Titans 6 (SWANSON)

Indianapolis Colts 2 (SNEEN)

Hypothetical Standings
Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam? 5-1
Team ChowHounds 5-1

Moon's Microdongs 4-2

Team Swanson 4-2

TyRod Henke 2-4

SNEEN MACHINE 2-4

Fuck The Playoff System 1-5

Team Moon 1-5