WRBL Week 5, 2016

The Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 5
Our 3rd semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for those Neil Patrick Harris Heineken ads.

Current Standings
Tolliver Division
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 4-1 W1
Moon's Microdongs (Nick Zurawski 3-2 W3
Team Moon (Evan Moon) 1-4 L4
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 1-4 L3

Hobert Division
Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam? (Scott Aschebrook) 3-2 L1
TyRod Henke (Andy Todd) 3-2 W1
Team Swanson (Alec Swanson) 3-2 W2
The Alec Crushers (Cole Walters) 2-3 L1

Week Five Final Scores

ZURAWSKI  185 ASCHEBROOK JR.  124

TODD  134 MOON  116

ASCHEBROOK SR.  154 WALTERS  86

SWANSON  127 SNEEN  93

1019

(Chris Sweda/Chicago Tribune)
Hero of the Week (2nd in 3 weeks): WR T.Y. Hilton (Moon's Microdongs)

Heroes of the Week: WR T.Y. Hilton (Zurawski), RB David Johnson (Zurawski), RB Ezekiel Elliott (Moon)

Zeroes of the Week: DF Cincinnati Bengals (Zurawski), DF Houston Texans (Walters), Owner Evan Moon

Zero of the Week: Owner Evan Moon (Team Moon)

Upcoming Week 6 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

Team Swanson vs. Team ChowHounds

The Alec Crushers vs. Moon's Microdong

Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam? vs. Team Moon

TyRod Henke vs. SNEEN MACHINE (2015 Championship Rematch)

Bye Weeks: Tampa Bay & Minnesota

Thursday Game: Denver @ San Diego 7:25 PM

Sunday: San Francisco @ Buffalo NOON

Philadelphia @ Washington NOON

Cleveland @ Tennessee NOON

Baltimore @ NY Giants NOON

Carolina @ New Orleans NOON

Jacksonville @ Chicago NOON

Los Angeles @ Detroit NOON

Pittsburgh @ Miami NOON

Cincinnati @ New England NOON

Kansas City @ Oakland 3:05

Atlanta @ Seattle 3:25

Dallas @ Green Bay 3:25

Indianapolis @ Houston 7:30

Monday: NY Jets @ Arizona 7:30

Bro...

Thanks to Nick Zurawski's "Moon's Microdongs" team, we set a new league record this week for average points per team (127.4 rounded up). Yes, there were still three players/defenses that recorded zeros or worse this week and we still set a record so, round of applause for us, the greatest league on earth... this week. Team ChowHounds owner, Darrin Aschebrook Senior, suffered a torn meniscus according to Scott Aschefterbrook and the waiver wire for our corresponding fantasy father league has never been busier. As the player with the first waiver claim, I took Ron Swanson, a sleeper of sorts that consistently kills it in the "household chores" category. Scott then snatched up Mike Brady from The Brady Bunch as he always has a high volume of fatherhood responsibilities with so many kids running around. Alec, unafraid of a potential IR-stint, leaped at the opportunity to draft-and-stash Scott's dad as there is a possibility for a strong comeback, just in time for the fantasy dad playoffs.

While it is true that "you don't need a meniscus for fantasy football" as Alec has pointed out to the rest of the league, you do in fact still need a quarterback as proven by Team Moon in his 18-point loss to TyRod Henke. Moon has one hell of a team (or at least he did this week) and all he had to do was add a Brian Hoyer or a Derek Carr or even a Marcus Mariota and he would have beaten my team (Jarvis Landry certainly tried helping Moon's cause with a lackluster performance). Life gets in the way sometimes and that is totally understandable (especially with those annoying and worthless Thursday night games) but, fantasy football does not know forgiveness and is just plain cruel and heartless sometimes. In other Bro League battles, Scott's 124 points were somehow not even enough for a hypothetical win as Nick's aforementioned dongs (starring David Johnson, T.Y. Hilton & Philip Rivers) brutalized an anonymous Julio Jones & company. Cole lost by 68 points to Team ChowHounds with a surprising lack of whining from Cole and an abundance of winning from a fantasy player on the 60-day DL. Despite 25 points from Theo Riddick, Eli killed SNEEN as SNEEN fell to 1-4 with a loss to Team Swanson and now enters a critical match-up versus 3-2 TyRod Henke in a rematch of last year's championship.

Now onto the NFL, I don't even remember what Torrey Smith's jersey number is anymore and he 100% needs to be traded to a team that will at least get something out of him instead of letting Blaine Gabbert release the ball before Smith's route even develops. The 49ers made a choice (no idea if it's the right one or not) and Colin Kaepernick is now the starting quarterback once again. This dude just had three arm surgeries in the offseason so, I'm sure nothing will go wrong there. Jay Cutler probably shouldn't quarterback the Bears ever again as Brian Hoyer is just as mediocre as Cutler without the costs or the headlines. Tom Brady is back and now every Patriot player is relevant to our league again (Oh hi, Martellus Bennett). The Cowboys look awesome while the Giants don't (Is Eli Manning done?) and Philly gathered their first loss in a close game versus Detroit. I'm not fact-checking this but, I'm pretty sure that 95% of Matthew Stafford's career wins are comebacks. 

Football is nice and all but, the real sports story this week was baseball and just how much better the MLB postseason is compared to any other television right now (NBA preseason, Derek Anderson in primetime games, debates, anything on CBS). The Cubs have made it one step closer to ending a 108-year curse by taking out MadBum and the Even Year Bullshits (my new band name) in a series that really deserved more games than four. The Dodgers and Nationals are playing a winner-takes-all game this Thursday to decide who gets to face the Chicago-based team of destiny. Meanwhile in the American League, two upsets occurred in shocking fashion as the Indians ended David Ortiz's career in a sweep and the Blue Jays swept the rival Texas Rangers because it's always better to get punched in May than get knocked out in October (shout out to the person who made that sign)

Joey Sweeps.

Coming up this week, the Blue Jays take on the Indians in a best-of-7 and the NLCS also occurs. In football, the Gary Kubiak-less Broncos get Trevor Siemian back to continue San Diego's streak of heartbreaking losses on Thursday Night Football. On Sunday, the panic meter will be full in Cincinnati as the Bengals will have to upset New England for any hopes at keeping up with the Steelers. Later on, the Seahawks return home from their bye week and take on the league's #1 offense (still? still!) in the Atlanta Falcons and the Cowboys and Packers single-handedly rebuild the NFL's 2016 television ratings. Unfortunately for the NFL, Sunday Night Football features two weak offensive lines and a struggling Brock Osweiler PLUS no J.J. Watt and Monday Night sees the Jets likely getting embarrassed by Arizona. In Bro League madness, there's more to the week than a championship rematch as 3-2 Alec will play against 4-1 Scott's dad in a potential championship preview (Settle down, it's week 6). Moon will try and save his season by upsetting Scott somehow and Moon's Microdongs takes on The Alec Crushers and if the Crushers walk away with a win, everyone in that division will be .500 or better. The Bro League is currently somewhere between the NFL and the MLB playoffs in terms of dramatic value.

Scoring Leaders

QB

Ben Roethlisberger 110 (SWANSON)
Drew Brees 81 (TODD)
Aaron Rodgers 79 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Cam Newton 76 (ASCHEBROOK)

Matthew Stafford 65 (WALTERS)

Carson Palmer 56 (MOON)

Philip Rivers 55 (ZURAWSKI)

Tom Brady 29 (TODD)

Eli Manning 29 (SNEEN)

Kirk Cousins 27 (ZURAWSKI)

Russell Wilson 24 (SNEEN)

Andy Dalton 15 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Matt Ryan 14 (ASCHEBROOK)

Blake Bortles 10 (WALTERS)

RB

David Johnson 109 (ZURAWSKI)

Ezekiel Elliott 96 (MOON)

LeSean McCoy 93 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Devonta Freeman 81 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

C.J. Anderson 70 (WALTERS)

DeMarco Murray 69 (ASCHEBROOK)

DeAngelo Williams 64 (ASCHEBROOK)

Todd Gurley 62 (TODD)
Mark Ingram 60 (ASCHEBROOK)

Carlos Hyde 58 (SWANSON)

Lamar Miller 56 (SNEEN)

Melvin Gordon 52 (WALTERS)

Le'Veon Bell 45 (ASCHEBROOK)
Latavius Murray 44 (SWANSON)

Christine Michael 43 (SNEEN)

Theo Riddick 43 (SNEEN)

Frank Gore 42 (ZURAWSKI)

Matt Forte 38 (SWANSON)

Ameer Abdullah 25 (TODD)

Charles Sims 25 (ZURAWSKI)
Danny Woodhead 25 (ZURAWSKI)

Jordan Howard 24 (ZURAWSKI)

Eddie Lacy 24 (MOON)

LeGarrette Blount 17 (SWANSON)

Duke Johnson Jr. 15 (MOON)

Spencer Ware 15 (TODD)

Doug Martin 14 (WALTERS)

DeAndre Washington 9 (TODD)

Jeremy Langford 7 (WALTERS)

Adrian Peterson 6 (MOON)

Jerick McKinnon 5 (SNEEN)

Giovani Bernard 4 (SNEEN)

Isaiah Crowell 4 (WALTERS)

Chris Ivory 2 (TODD)

WR

Antonio Brown 109 (WALTERS)

Mike Evans 98 (ASCHEBROOK)

Larry Fitzgerald 98 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Julio Jones 92 (ASCHEBROOK)

A.J. Green 83 (SWANSON)

T.Y. Hilton 81 (ZURAWSKI)

Demaryius Thomas 80 (MOON)

Amari Cooper 79 (MOON)
Jarvis Landry 77 (TODD)

Odell Beckham Jr. 67 (SNEEN)

DeAndre Hopkins 66 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Brandon Marshall 65 (ZURAWSKI)

Allen Robinson 61 (SWANSON)

Alshon Jeffery 59 (SWANSON)

Jordy Nelson 56 (TODD)

Brandin Cooks 55 (WALTERS)

Eric Decker 39 (SNEEN)

Travis Benjamin 34 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jeremy Maclin 29 (ASCHEBROOK)

DeSean Jackson 27 (ZURAWSKI)

Marvin Jones 25 (MOON)

Emmanuel Sanders 21 (TODD)

Donte Moncrief 19 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)
Willie Snead 19 (SNEEN)

Julian Edelman 18 (WALTERS)

Stefon Diggs 17 (TODD)

Terrelle Pryor 15 (TODD)

Dez Bryant 14 (SNEEN)
Golden Tate 14 (WALTERS)

Michael Crabtree 13 (ASCHEBROOK)

Keenan Allen 12 (ZURAWSKI)

Kelvin Benjamin 12 (SWANSON)

Randall Cobb 12 (TODD)

Sammy Watkins 12 (ZURAWSKI)

Steve Smith Sr. 5 (SNEEN)

TE

Greg Olsen 97 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jordan Reed 75 (SNEEN)
Travis Kelce 54 (WALTERS)

Delanie Walker 49 (TODD)

Martellus Bennett 33 (SWANSON)

Julius Thomas 31 (MOON)

Hunter Henry 26 (TODD/MOON)

Dennis Pitta 26 (ASCHEBROOK)

Eric Ebron 17 (SWANSON)

Rob Gronkowski 17 (ZURAWSKI)

Jason Witten 15 (ASCHEBROOK/WALTERS)

Zach Miller 7 (ZURAWSKI)

Jared Cook 1 (ASCHEBROOK)

K

Adam Vinatieri 66 (ZURAWSKI)
Justin Tucker 53 (MOON)

Brandon McManus 43 (TODD)

Dan Bailey 38 (WALTERS)
Graham Gano 38 (SWANSON)

Mason Crosby 34 (ASCHEBROOK/ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Stephen Gostkowski 34 (SNEEN)

Steven Hauschka 33 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dustin Hopkins 11 (ASCHEBROOK)

Matt Prater 6 (WALTERS)

DF

Minnesota Vikings 70 (TODD)

Denver Broncos 56 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Houston Texans 37 (WALTERS)

Kansas City Chiefs 33 (MOON)

Carolina Panthers 28 (SWANSON)

Cincinnati Bengals 26 (ZURAWSKI)
Arizona Cardinals 24 (ASCHEBROOK)

Seattle Seahawks 24 (ASCHEBROOK)

Green Bay Packers 16 (SNEEN)

Philadelphia Eagles 12 (TODD)

New England Patriots 11 (SNEEN)

Baltimore Ravens 6 (MOON)

Indianapolis Colts 2 (SNEEN)

Hypothetical Standings
Team ChowHounds 5-0
Julio Beat That Undefeatedteam? 4-1
Team Swanson 4-1

Moon's Microdongs 3-2

TyRod Henke 2-3
The Alec Crushers 1-4

SNEEN MACHINE 1-4

Team Moon 0-5