As The WRBL Turns, S04E03

Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 3
Our 4th semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for fleas.

Current Standings (with regular season won-loss streaks)
Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty) 3-0 W3
The Engine That Could (Andy Todd) 3-0 W3
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 2-1 W2
Scott Bless Scott Damn (Scott Aschebrook) 2-1 W2
Tremendous Big League (Nick Zurawski) 1-2 L2
Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 1-2 L2

Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 0-3 L3

Kissin' TDs (Alec Swanson) 0-3 L6

Week Three Final Scores

TODD  125 SWANSON  116
DOUGHERTY  149 ZURAWSKI  87

ASCHEBROOK JR.  146 WALTERS  85

SNEEN  134 ASCHEBROOK SR.  102

944

Heroes of the Week: RB Todd Gurley (Dougherty), WR Stefon Diggs (Dougherty), QB Tom Brady (Sneen)

Hero of the Week: RB Todd Gurley (Team Easy Breesy)

Zeroes of the Week: DF Seattle Seahawks (Swanson), DF Baltimore Ravens (Walters)

Zero of the Week: DF Seattle Seahawks (Kissin' TDs)

Upcoming Week 4 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

Alec vs. Ryan
Scott vs. Darrin
Andy vs. Nick
Cole vs. Tyler

Thursday: Chicago @ Green Bay 7:25 PM

Sunday: (LONDON GAME) New Orleans vs. Miami 8:30 AM

Buffalo @ Atlanta NOON

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore NOON

Cincinnati @ Cleveland NOON

LA Rams @ Dallas NOON

Tennessee @ Houston  NOON

Detroit @ Minnesota NOON

Carolina @ New England NOON

Jacksonville @ NY Jets NOON
San Francisco @ Arizona 3:05 PM

Philadelphia @ LA Chargers 3:05 PM

NY Giants @ Tampa Bay 3:05 PM

Oakland @ Denver 3:25 PM

Indianapolis @ Seattle 7:30 PM

Monday: Washington @ Kansas City 7:30 PM

Bro...
Football is back! It has been approximately three years and nine months since regular season football was truly exciting and not just an overhyped game with a drought on offensive linemen and even decent coaching. All that changed with Thursday Night's instant classic Rams-49ers match... No, seriously. Former Washington offensive coordinator Sean McVey has given new life to the Rams' offense (along with receivers Sammy Watkins & Robert Woods, center John Sullivan and left tackle Andrew Whitworth) and Jared Goff looks like a completely different quarterback while Todd Gurley is in the running for MVP one season after being an average #2 RB in fantasy for Andy Todd's TyRod Henke squad.

Sunday carried on the entertainment value from there with a 61-yard kick from rookie kicker Jake Elliott winning the Eagles' game over the Giants, Jordan Howard returning to his 2016 form in an overtime Bears' upset of the Steelers and Tom Brady doing some magical shut like he always does and holding off Houston by a score of 36-33. Those were just the Noon games! At 3, Russell Wilson finally showed up and still fell to the wildly entertaining Titans while Aaron Rodgers threw dart after dart but, still needed overtime to take out the now 0-3 Bengals. It was a great weekend for the on-field product despite the Raiders' and Ravens' no-shows in marquee games and none of it was discussed on Monday because of the National Anthem, Carmelo Anthony going to Oklahoma City and Aaron Judge hitting 50 home runs because baseballs are juiced.

What a bizarre NBA offseason.

The only WRBL matchup with any type of drama this week felt somewhat manufactured as well. After leaving Jordan Howard's 30 points and Brandin Cooks's 32 points on Alec's bench and keeping T.Y. Hilton's 28 and Chris Hogan's 22 on my own bench, Alec and I headed into Sunday Night Football with a 4-point deficit. After an unnerving 4-point showing by Oakland's Giorgio Tavecchio, it was 103-103 with my Dak Prescott (a 2016 championship hero) versus Kissin' TDs' Dez Bryant AND Dan Bailey. Only one team mattered on Monday Night and they were the Dallas Cowboys. Going into the night, Alec was projected to win because this is a PPR league and Dez is the clear #1 WR on Dak's team and Dan Bailey is the greatest kicker alive. The problem is that Dez Bryant has taken a backseat since Dallas created the best o-line in the sport and crafted their team around Ezekiel Elliott instead of their aging receiver so, as the game was about to begin I thought to myself "As long as Dak runs one in, they can stick to their gameplan and I might just pull this win off". Lo and behold, Dak Prescott ran for a touchdown in the second quarter and things were looking great for The Engine That Could until Dez Bryant caught a touchdown in the third quarter. It was one hell of a battle with so much potential for both teams to embarrass themselves but in the end, Dan Bailey just could not get any field goal opportunities with Dak throwing beautiful bombs to Brice Butler and Terrence Williams while Patrick Peterson blanketed Dez. Final score: Andy 125, Alec 116. Also in week 3, Ryan is having the greatest three-week stretch in WRBL history, Cole is 1-2 (he loves those difficult championship roads) and after two 3-0 starts, Darrin is 0-3.

We are about to reach October already and the only two undefeated teams remaining in the NFL are the Kansas City Chiefs and the Atlanta Falcons (Raise your hands if you had that one right because you are under arrest for being a wizard). In comparison, there are just as many undefeated teams remaining in the WRBL with Team Easy Breesy taking on 0-3 Alec this week as undefeated The Engine That Could tries to outdo Nick Zurawski, coming off a 62-point loss. Also in our legendary league, it'll be father versus son as Team ChowHounds look for their first win against Scott Bless Scott Damn. The SNEEN MACHINE is fully on a roll with Tom Brady and will look for the GOAT to continue his successes against the Panthers as SNEEN will try to tame the timid Cold Waters and the Colieveland 96ers. It should be a fun one with Alec's Bears playing Thursday night versus Darrin's Packers, Cutler and Brees in the UK and plenty of WRBL week-deciding plays on Monday Night when Kirk Cousins takes the field in Arrowhead against the Chiefs. I'm looking forward to it and hopefully, you all are too.

Scoring Leaders

QB

Tom Brady 74 (SNEEN)

Aaron Rodgers 57 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Russell Wilson 54 (SWANSON)

Dak Prescott 53 (TODD) 

Ben Roethlisberger 44 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Matt Ryan 44 (WALTERS)

Drew Brees 42 (DOUGHERTY)

Derek Carr 39 (ZURAWSKI)

Marcus Mariota 18 (DOUGHERTY)

Matthew Stafford 15 (ZURAWSKI)

RB

Kareem Hunt 94 (TODD)

Todd Gurley 82 (DOUGHERTY)

Ty Montgomery 58 (SNEEN)

Devonta Freeman 56 (SNEEN)

Leonard Fournette 51 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Melvin Gordon 51 (WALTERS)

C.J. Anderson 43 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

LeSean McCoy 42 (DOUGHERTY)

Ezekiel Elliott 41 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Le'Veon Bell 40 (SWANSON)

Christian McCaffrey 38 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Lamar Miller 28 (WALTERS)

Carlos Hyde 24 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

James White 20 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jay Ajayi 17 (ZURAWSKI)

Dalvin Cook 16 (DOUGHERTY)

Jordan Howard 15 (SWANSON)
Tarik Cohen 13 (SWANSON)

Isaiah Crowell 13 (TODD)
Frank Gore 12 (TODD)

David Johnson 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Marshawn Lynch 11 (ZURAWSKI)

Ameer Abdullah 10 (TODD)

DeMarco Murray 10 (ZURAWSKI)

Paul Perkins 3 (TODD)

WR 

Antonio Brown 67 (ZURAWSKI)

Stefon Diggs 65 (DOUGHERTY)

A.J. Green 50 (WALTERS)

Michael Crabtree 47 (ZURAWSKI)

Doug Baldwin 46 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

DeAndre Hopkins 46 (ZURAWSKI)

Jordy Nelson 43 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Emmanuel Sanders 43 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Michael Thomas 43 (TODD)

Julio Jones 41 (SNEEN)

Demaryius Thomas 39 (SNEEN)

Odell Beckham Jr. 35 (TODD)

Mike Evans 35 (DOUGHERTY)

Davante Adams 30 (WALTERS)

Keenan Allen 30 (DOUGHERTY)

Tyreek Hill 27 (SWANSON)

Martavis Bryant 26 (SNEEN)

Golden Tate 26 (DOUGHERTY)

Amari Cooper 25 (WALTERS)

DeVante Parker 21 (SWANSON)

Adam Thielen 21 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Larry Fitzgerald 18 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Chris Hogan 18 (TODD)

Terrelle Pryor 17 (SWANSON)

Brandin Cooks 16 (SWANSON)

Dez Bryant 15 (SWANSON)

Jarvis Landry 10 (WALTERS)

T.Y. Hilton 6 (TODD)

Mike Wallace 1 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

TE

Rob Gronkowski 50 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Travis Kelce 34 (TODD)

Jack Doyle 22 (DOUGHERTY)

Jimmy Graham 18 (ZURAWSKI)

Jordan Reed 18 (SNEEN)

Martellus Bennett 16 (WALTERS)

Vernon Davis 16 (SNEEN)
Kyle Rudolph 9 (SWANSON)

Greg Olsen 5 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Eric Ebron 2 (WALTERS)

Tyler Eifert 1 (SWANSON)
Jason Witten 1 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

K

Matt Bryant 40 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Matt Prater 34 (WALTERS)

Wil Lutz 33 (DOUGHERTY)

Dan Bailey 26 (SWANSON)

Stephen Gostkowski 25 (SNEEN)

Adam Vinatieri 17 (ZURAWSKI)

Justin Tucker 14 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Giorgio Tavecchio 13 (TODD)

Chris Boswell 3 (TODD)

DF

Los Angeles Rams 31 (TODD)

Denver Broncos 28 (DOUGHERTY)

Carolina Panthers 24 (ASCHEBROOK JR.) 

Kansas City Chiefs 20 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Houston Texans 12 (WALTERS)

Minnesota Vikings 12 (SNEEN)

Arizona Cardinals 11 (ZURAWSKI)

Seattle Seahawks 11 (SWANSON)

Buffalo Bills 10 (ZURAWSKI)

Pittsburgh Steelers 9 (TODD)

Miami Dolphins 4 (ZURAWSKI)

Philadelphia Eagles 1 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)
Baltimore Ravens -6 (WALTERS)

Hypothetical Standings

Team Easy Breesy 3-0
The Engine That Could 3-0
SNEEN MACHINE 2-1
Scott Bless Scott Damn 2-1
Team ChowHounds 1-2
Tremendous Big League 1-2
Colieveland 96ers 0-3
Kissin' TDs 0-3

As The WRBL Turns, S04E02

Week 2
Our 4th semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for sneaky erorrs in spelling.

Current Standings (with regular season won-loss streaks) 
Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty) 2-0 W2
The Engine That Could (Andy Todd) 2-0 W2
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 1-1 W1
Tremendous Big League (Nick Zurawski) 1-1 L1
Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 1-1 L1
Scott Bless Scott Damn (Scott Aschebrook) 1-1 W1
Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 0-2 L2
Kissin' TDs (Alec Swanson) 0-2 L5

Week Two Final Scores

DOUGHERTY  135 ASCHEBROOK SR.  125

TODD  123  WALTERS  113

SNEEN  150 ZURAWSKI  115

ASCHEBROOK JR.  83 SWANSON  68

912

Hero of the Week: WR Michael Crabtree (Tremendous Big League)

Heroes of the Week: WR Michael Crabtree (Zurawski), QB Tom Brady (Sneen), RB C.J. Anderson (Aschebrook Sr.)

Zero of the Week: RB Jordan Howard (Swanson)

Zero of the Week: RB Jordan Howard (Kissin' TDs) 

Upcoming Week 3 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

Cole vs. Scott

Ryan vs. Nick

Alec vs. Andy

Darrin vs. Tyler 

Thursday: LA Rams @ San Francisco 7:25 PM

Sunday: (LONDON GAME) Baltimore vs. Jacksonville 8:30 AM

Denver @ Buffalo NOON

New Orleans @ Carolina NOON

Pittsburgh @ Chicago NOON

Atlanta @ Detroit NOON

Cleveland @ Indianapolis NOON

Tampa Bay @ Minnesota NOON

Houston @ New England NOON

Miami @ NY Jets NOON

NY Giants @ Philadelphia NOON

Seattle @ Tennessee 3:05 PM

Cincinnati @ Green Bay 3:25 PM

Kansas City @ LA Chargers 3:25 PM

Oakland @ Washington 7:30 PM

Monday: Dallas @ Arizona 7:30 PM

Bro...

After re-browsing the WRBL Recap from Week 1, I realized that one of the most unique trades in fantasy football history went unrecognized. Sometime between the draft and the first week, Nick Zurawski traded DeShaun Watson  (a rookie quarterback who was a backup at the time) to defending champion Cole Walters for Derek Carr and a photo of Cole's chesticles every week. As if trading a rookie backup for proven pro bowler Derek Carr weren't strange enough, Nick demanded that Walters threw his nipples into the trade for some bizarre cheap thrills that I will never understand. Z didn't want Cole's money, he loves cheap thrills. 

They said I couldn't turn a conversation about Cole's tits into a Sia reference... I proved them all wrong. Congratulations, you played yourself.

This week got off to another ugly yet interesting start on Thursday night when the aforementioned Watson made his first start with zero help and still managed to take out the Bengals in a 13-9 snoozer (NOTE: This is the only NFL game I have watched this season and my god, Marvin Lewis is the worst coach in the NFL). Sunday was unsurprisingly more interesting but, still filled with sloppiness. Tom Brady returned to Tom Brady standards, much to the delight of Tyler Sneen. The more games that the Colts lose, the less likely it is that we ever see Andrew Luck in 2017. At least Jacoby Brissett is a huge improvement from Scott Tolzien. The Zero of the Week Award made it's return this week as Alec trusted Jordan Howard despite an injury and in return, Howard gave him four quarters of no fantasy production. The WRBL Recaps have decided to take a more positive route this year by not handing out zeroes of the week unless they were truly earned by singular fantasy players or by Moon-like incompetence in ownership. Lastly in the NFL, the Packers sought redemption from last season's NFC Championship Game and the Giants sought redemption from their week one offensive no-show and both were destroyed. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

In the Bro League, new owner Ryan Dougherty has been making some impressive statement wins (that statement being "I'm here and will be respected!") on the back of former #1 pick Todd Gurley. Speaking of former #1 picks, Eddie Lacy was a healthy inactive for Seattle this week and Scott continues to hang on to the former Packer in the hopes that he somehow dethrones Chris Carson AND Thomas Rawls AND C.J. Prosise on the depth chart. In the battle between former champions, my Odell Beckham Jr. seemed to be playing at half-speed with his injured ankle but, his 7 points were enough to outlast Cold Waters' impressive week as I already had an 11-point advantage before Matt Prater cut that down a point. My early season success is brought to you by the Kansas City Chiefs, America's Greatest Football Team, and both Scottfucker Hunt and Colescrewer Hunt. Nick greatly benefited from having Derek Carr and Michael Crabtree connecting for three touchdowns (six total) while in his lineup but, Sneen's 66-point Sunday Night comeback was enough for the win and most points for the week. In our final matchup of the week, wtf Scott? and wtf Alec? It was as ugly as Bengals-Texans but, someone had to win and Scott did. Of course, the Hypothetical Standings will tell a different story.

It's hard to believe that we're in week 3 already but, with the amount of injuries already ruining the fantasy seasons of many (David Johnson, Greg Olsen, Allen Robinson, Andrew Luck), it should be further along than we actually are. This Thursday night will be a rematch of one of the best worst games ever (remember 2016 week 1's 28-0 match?) between the 49ers and Rams. Set your alarms as Sunday Morning again sees the terrible tradition of London Football kicking off at 8:30 AM between the Ravens and Jaguars, 2 teams that are all defense. The 2-0s battle when Detroit and Atlanta (the exact opposite of Baltimore-Jacksonville) highlight the noon slate of games. The Seahawks and Titans try to stand upright after shaky 1-1 beginnings. With that game in Tennessee, any result is in play. Two young teams with some fun athletes will be on display this Sunday night as the Raiders head to our nation's capitol and Ezekiel Elliott looks to rebound from his zero fucks given versus Denver as the Cowboys take on faltering Arizona. The Bro League will be filled with accusations of cheating and general talking just for the sake of talking as Cole takes on Scott. The weather forecast says there will be a 100% chance of salt after the conclusion of this matchup. Tyler Sneen is looking to continue riding the Brady-Montgomery ticket and give Darrin Aschebrook his first 0-3 start after two 3-0 starts. Nick has the top three wide receivers in scoring at the moment and I can't think of a better opponent to prevent the newbie takeover that is currently happening in our standings (Ever heard of beginner's luck, Ryan?). Lastly, 2-0 Andy versus 0-2 Alec could either squeeze the standings closer together or send us both on very different paths quickly. Either way everything is sure to be fun because everything always is in the Bro League.

Scoring Leaders

QB

Tom Brady 39 (SNEEN)

Derek Carr 39 (ZURAWSKI)

Aaron Rodgers 33 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Ben Roethlisberger 33 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Dak Prescott 31 (TODD) 

Matt Ryan 31 (WALTERS)

Drew Brees 22 (DOUGHERTY)

Russell Wilson 22 (SWANSON)

Marcus Mariota 18 (DOUGHERTY)

RB

Kareem Hunt 69 (TODD)

Ty Montgomery 46 (SNEEN)

Todd Gurley 45 (DOUGHERTY)

C.J. Anderson 38 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Melvin Gordon 38 (WALTERS)

Leonard Fournette 35 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Devonta Freeman 34 (SNEEN)

LeSean McCoy 29 (DOUGHERTY)

Ezekiel Elliott 23 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Lamar Miller 22 (WALTERS)

Le'Veon Bell 19 (SWANSON)

Christian McCaffrey 18 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

James White 17 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dalvin Cook 16 (DOUGHERTY)

Jordan Howard 15 (SWANSON)
Jay Ajayi 14 (ZURAWSKI)

Isaiah Crowell 13 (TODD)

David Johnson 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

DeMarco Murray 10 (ZURAWSKI)

Marshawn Lynch 9 (ZURAWSKI)

Paul Perkins 3 (TODD)

WR 

Michael Crabtree 46 (ZURAWSKI)

Antonio Brown 40 (ZURAWSKI)

DeAndre Hopkins 32 (ZURAWSKI)

Davante Adams 30 (WALTERS)

Emmanuel Sanders 29 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Stefon Diggs 28 (DOUGHERTY)

Golden Tate 26 (DOUGHERTY)

Julio Jones 25 (SNEEN)

Amari Cooper 24 (WALTERS)

Demaryius Thomas 24 (SNEEN)

A.J. Green 23 (WALTERS)

Mike Evans 22 (DOUGHERTY)

Michael Thomas 22 (TODD)

Martavis Bryant 21 (SNEEN)

Doug Baldwin 20 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Jordy Nelson 20 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Keenan Allen 19 (DOUGHERTY)

Larry Fitzgerald 18 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Chris Hogan 18 (TODD)

Terrelle Pryor 17 (SWANSON)

Brandin Cooks 16 (SWANSON)

Tyreek Hill 8 (SWANSON)

Odell Beckham Jr. 7 (TODD)
Adam Thielen 7 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dez Bryant 6 (SWANSON)

T.Y. Hilton 6 (TODD)

Mike Wallace 1 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

TE

Travis Kelce 33 (TODD)

Rob Gronkowski 28 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Jordan Reed 18 (SNEEN)

Martellus Bennett 16 (WALTERS)

Jack Doyle 15 (DOUGHERTY)
Kyle Rudolph 8 (SWANSON)

Jack Doyle 6 (DOUGHERTY)

Greg Olsen 5 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Jimmy Graham 4 (ZURAWSKI)

Tyler Eifert 1 (SWANSON)

K

Matt Bryant 26 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Dan Bailey 22 (SWANSON)

Wil Lutz 22 (DOUGHERTY)

Stephen Gostkowski 21 (SNEEN)

Matt Prater 15 (WALTERS)

Justin Tucker 13 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Adam Vinatieri 10 (ZURAWSKI)

Giorgio Tavecchio 9 (TODD)

Chris Boswell 3 (TODD)

DF

Los Angeles Rams 29 (TODD)

Carolina Panthers 24 (ASCHEBROOK JR.) 

Denver Broncos 22 (DOUGHERTY)

Seattle Seahawks 15 (SWANSON)

Houston Texans 12 (WALTERS)

Arizona Cardinals 11 (ZURAWSKI)

Buffalo Bills 10 (ZURAWSKI)

Kansas City Chiefs 9 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Pittsburgh Steelers 9 (TODD)

Minnesota Vikings 3 (SNEEN)

Hypothetical Standings

Team Easy Breesy 2-0
The Engine That Could 2-0
SNEEN MACHINE 1-1
Tremendous Big League 1-1
Scott Bless Scott Damn 1-1
Team ChowHounds 1-1
Colieveland 96ers 0-2
Kissin' TDs 0-2

As The WRBL Turns, S04E01

The Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 1
Our 4th semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for making Taylor Swift put her own spin on Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy"

Current Standings (with regular season won-loss streaks) 
Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty) 1-0 W1
The Engine That Could (Andy Todd) 1-0 W1
Tremendous Big League (Nick Zurawski) 1-0 W3
Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 1-0 W2
Scott Bless Scott Damn (Scott Aschebrook) 0-1 L1
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 0-1 L2
Team Chowhounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 0-1 L1
Kissin' TDs (Alec Swanson) 0-1 L4

Week One Final Scores

WALTERS  98 SWANSON  81

TODD  129 ASCHEBROOK JR.  114

ZURAWSKI  110 ASCHEBROOK SR.  81

DOUGHERTY  149 SNEEN  81
843

Hero of the Week: RB Kareem Hunt (The Engine That Could)

Heroes of the Week: RB Kareem Hunt (Todd), WR Antonio Brown (Zurawski), DF Los Angeles Rams (Todd)

Upcoming Week 2 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

Cole vs. Andy

Tyler vs. Nick

Darrin vs. Ryan

Scott vs. Alec

Thursday: Houston @ Cincinnati 7:25 PM

Sunday: Cleveland @ Baltimore NOON

Buffalo @ Carolina NOON

Arizona @ Indianapolis NOON

Tennessee @ Jacksonville NOON

Philadelphia @ Kansas City NOON

New England @ New Orleans NOON

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh NOON

Tampa Bay @ Chicago NOON
Miami @ LA Chargers 3:05 PM

NY Jets @ Oakland 3:05 PM

Dallas @ Denver 3:25 PM

Washington @ LA Rams 3:25 PM

San Francisco @ Seattle 3:25 PM

Green Bay @ Atlanta 7:30 PM

Monday: Detroit @ NY Giants 7:30 PM

Bro...

Another offseason has come and gone and despite many NFL veterans changing squads, the real story (as always) was the 4th annual draft/preseason gathering of the Wisconsin Rapids Bro League (WRBL). Of course, it would not be a true WRBL meeting without some form of drama and/or controversy. This year's draft drama was provided by the railroad system of Wiscompton Trapids and their inability to follow proper crossing protocol (Alex Silka is triggered somewhere). On the west side of Trapids, there are three potential routes that I could have taken that night at 8:00 PM that would have had me arrive at the WRBL's draft location on time (8:45 PM) without any trains. As I left the house, a train approached as if it were hunting me down as prey and blocked my first choice of intersection, one I use on a daily basis. Luckily for me, the train was quickly moving southward and naturally, I opted to head to option #2, the northern route. Of course, this was the worst possible decision.

After last season's snowmobile trail fiasco, I was all set to try out my new GPS in the car over my 30-minute drive. The voice on my GPS quickly had to recalculate my potential route and timing as I arrived at railroad crossing #2. Once there, the train was still southbound and the newly installed GPS read an arrival time of 8:30 PM. The 75°F temperature and beautiful sunset were painting a scene symbolic of what a perfect night this random Friday evening was going to be, amongst friends, devouring wings and drafting in person as a league now set up for years upon years of success after the weeding out of careless and uninterested owners (this does not apply to every former WRBL participant as they are mostly gentlemen and scholars). By the end of the night, I was the owner who appeared careless and uninterested. 

After three minutes of waiting at this alternate intersection, the body of this seemingly never-ending train halted it's motion temporarily. With a twelve minute gap between my estimated arrival time and the commencement of our 4th annual draft meeting, I did not even break a sweat as in my 22 years of life, I have witnessed many trains stop and start the way it appeared this engine from hell was intending to do. Another handful of minutes passed and any opportunity to exit traffic was effectively erased by two cars and a semi blocking me from all escape angles. It was at this moment that the never-ending train reversed direction whilst moving at 1/16th of it's previous speed. Again, I have witnessed this many times in 22 years but, I began to feel that nervous anxiety I usually reserve for when I'm driving through construction zones. After another few minutes passed, the train was obviously no longer blocking the other two crossings as the engine of this train was only two carts away from clearing my intersection when suddenly.... this WRBL-hating, anti-Toddite of a locomotive decided to kill it's movement altogether.

After another minute of nothing happening and stalled traffic, I heard one vehicle honk it's horn at the train. "That'll help a whole lot" I stated out loud to myself in my most sarcastic of tones. Once the train had been motionless for a bit, I could have sworn I saw it crawling ever so slightly toward the direction it had just returned from. At this point, I turned off my hipster music and rolled down my window so that I could listen to the train. "Perhaps..." I thought to myself "if I listen to the outside world, I can determine whether or not this train is actually moving". Once the window was down, a loud SCREEEEEEEEECHing alerted me as unpleasantly as possible that my fear had become reality and the train commenced motion so that it was headed back in the direction it just came and was originally headed. Meanwhile, every possible escape route was still unavailable to me thanks to traffic. 

Without a functional phone or any way of contacting the league, my car had suddenly transformed into a glass case of emotions. At first, I shook my head in disgust and jokingly laughed out more words to myself (as my mental state was clearly beginning to break), "I'm going to have to turn around and go home." I slightly chuckled the words out in disbelief as there was still nothing that could have possibly detracted me from arriving at my destination outside of major disaster. Meanwhile, the train was still moving at 1/4th of it's original pace down it's original route until it wasn't anymore. Once the train stopped moving again, my destination arrival time was estimated at 8:55 PM. "Okay..." I said to myself as I nervously squirmed around behind the wheel, "If I miss one round, it's no big deal as everybody in the first round is a fantasy stud I will happily welcome on my team with open arms whether they are autopicked according to ESPN's rankings or chosen by myself". I was NOT going to miss any more live picks after the first round though and that is where this all went wrong.

The draft was held at Buffalo Wild Wings but, it also needed to be online at the specific time of 8:45 PM that Friday night because owner Nick Zurawski had to catch a flight out east that very weekend and owner Tyler Sneen was the only owner unable to attend in person as he drafted in a cabin up north during what I can only assume was a hostage situation. Otherwise, it was the most convenient time for the 7 non-Sneen owners to draft including myself as that Friday was one of my two days off from work that week. Scheduling was simultaneously perfect and the worst. 

Once the clock in my car hit 8:30 PM (the time I was originally told I would arrive at BWW), I said in a much shakier tone usually reserved for sad occasions like audible eulogies, "I'm going to have to turn around and go home." Five minutes and a prayer later, a miracle occurred and the car that had been sitting behind me for about three minutes fewer than I had been waiting for the train had finally moved. An escape route had appeared and I was just about ready to head back in the direction from where I came. I decided to give the intersection another minute or two to clear as traffic was nice enough to hold my escape route open but, the train was moving at a hopeful pace. At 8:36 PM, all hope was crushed as the train again stopped. "I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TURN AROUND AND GO HOME!?" I angrily exclaimed to no audience. I U-turned out of that mess and went back home. Of course, before I arrived home there is one stop sign and a right turn that I needed to make. It was at this stop sign that I saw something I had never seen in my 22 years of amateur train expertise, living next to the tracks. I witnessed the clear intersection outside my house drop it's crossbars and I saw another train coming from the opposite direction of where the train from hell was currently stationary. Luckily for my mental wellbeing, I had given up all hopes of getting to the draft in time and the vehicles in front of me were wise enough to turn away from the train so that I could make it home. That night I wore my Andrew Luck jersey, ate some imitation boneless wings by myself and made every pick for my team on my couch by myself. I have lived a pretty chill life up to this point because that is easily the most angry I have ever been. At one point, about nine or ten rounds into the draft, my intersection outside my house was finally clear of all trains. Midway through the first round, commissioner Nick Zurawski stated that he could delay the draft for any reason whatsoever. At that point, the train still would have delayed the draft another hour and I was not willing to be the all-important "draft delay guy". I can only assume that a good time was had by all.

Pictured: No longer the world's most hated Train.

The only way to make up for time missed hanging with the league of bros is to win a championship so, I drafted the shit out of my team and turned a negative into a positive by naming my team "The Engine That Could" because draft night is the most enjoyable night of the season for me and if an engine is going to ruin my favorite night, it might as well ruin some of your future nights. For instance, Kareem "Scottfucker" Hunt and the L.A. Rams defense had incredible season debuts and simultaneously ruined at least a part of Scott's weekend. CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKERS, I'm out for blood.

In other league news, Evan Moon was replaced by Ryan Dougherty. All I know of this man is that he is the youngest member of our league, enjoyed beating me in NBA 2K at a previous league meeting and he destroyed the SNEEN MACHINE by a 68-point margin thanks to former #1 overall pick Todd Gurley and a cast of solid players. Defending champion Cole Walters did not need to crack triple-digits to defeat Alec thanks to sleepy showings by both Russell Wilson and Le'Veon Bell. In likely the most important revelation of the week, the #1 overall pick in this season's draft (order was randomly decided by ping-pong ball process #TrustTheProcess) RB David Johnson only got to lead Darrin's Team Chowhounds for one week before injuring his wrist and at least temporarily landing on Injured Reserve. The worst part is that even with Darrin's Johnson present, he came up short to the team formerly known as Moon's Microdongs (now called Tremendous Big League).

This Sunday, THE Shelby actually recognized me, the first ever Shelby winner, while I was at work which is impressive because A. I was actually working at the time, B. I barely knew of her existence once this league began (my fault, not hers) and 3. She only seems to recognize winners as Cole Walters is the only other owner I've heard having any interaction with our trophy's namesake since the WRBL's beginnings. In case you missed it, she is aware of the trophy that holds her namesake and has given it her blessing this offseason so, that's pretty cool.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? The Dolphins and Buccaneers certainly are after their match was postponed for week 11 with a shared bye week taking place last weekend due to Hurricane Irma. Smokin' Jay Cutler will make his Dolphins debut in Los Angeles (against the Chargers) and Tampa will face former Bucs QB Mike Glennon in Chicago. With Allen Robinson done for the season, it has been a depressing start for Florida football despite a Jaguar victory. The only other game with the capability of gluing eyes to televisions (ouch) is the NFC Championship rematch between the Packers and Falcons in Atlanta's new stadium on Sunday night. In the Bro League, all eyes (well, mine and Cole's at least) will be looking to see which 1-0 former champion turns to 2-0 with Matt Prater and possibly Odell Beckham Jr. set to face on Monday Night Football. Cole better take as many more photos with The Shelby as he can because unlike the trains of Wiscompton Trapids, this engine is not slowing down.

Scoring Leaders

QB

Derek Carr 18 (ZURAWSKI)

Marcus Mariota 18 (DOUGHERTY)

Matt Ryan 17 (WALTERS)

Dak Prescott 16 (TODD) 

Aaron Rodgers 16 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Ben Roethlisberger 16 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Tom Brady 10 (SNEEN)

Russell Wilson 8 (SWANSON)

RB

Kareem Hunt 44 (TODD)

Leonard Fournette 21 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Todd Gurley 20 (DOUGHERTY)

LeSean McCoy 20 (DOUGHERTY)

Ezekiel Elliott 18 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Melvin Gordon 18 (WALTERS)

Ty Montgomery 18 (SNEEN)

Dalvin Cook 16 (DOUGHERTY)

Jordan Howard 15 (SWANSON)

David Johnson 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Devonta Freeman 11 (SNEEN)

Lamar Miller 11 (WALTERS)

Isaiah Crowell 10 (TODD)

Christian McCaffrey 10 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

C.J. Anderson 9 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Marshawn Lynch 9 (ZURAWSKI)

Le'Veon Bell 7 (SWANSON)

DeMarco Murray 7 (ZURAWSKI)

Paul Perkins 3 (TODD)

WR 

Antonio Brown 29 (ZURAWSKI)

Stefon Diggs 28 (DOUGHERTY)

Jordy Nelson 20 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Golden Tate 20 (DOUGHERTY)

DeAndre Hopkins 18 (ZURAWSKI)

Amari Cooper 17 (WALTERS)

Michael Crabtree 14 (ZURAWSKI)

Larry Fitzgerald 13 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

A.J. Green 12 (WALTERS)

Terrelle Pryor 12 (SWANSON)

Brandin Cooks 11 (SWANSON)

Demaryius Thomas 11 (SNEEN)

Doug Baldwin 10 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Julio Jones 10 (SNEEN)

Michael Thomas 9 (TODD)

Davante Adams 7 (WALTERS)

Dez Bryant 6 (SWANSON)

T.Y. Hilton 6 (TODD)

Emmanuel Sanders 5 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Martavis Bryant 3 (SNEEN)

Mike Wallace 1 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

TE

Travis Kelce 9 (TODD)

Jordan Reed 8 (SNEEN)

Martellus Bennett 7 (WALTERS)

Jack Doyle 6 (DOUGHERTY)

Rob Gronkowski 5 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Jimmy Graham 3 (ZURAWSKI)

Greg Olsen 3 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Tyler Eifert 1 (SWANSON)

K

Dan Bailey 15 (SWANSON)

Wil Lutz 14 (DOUGHERTY)

Matt Bryant 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Stephen Gostkowski 9 (SNEEN)

Justin Tucker 8 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Matt Prater 7 (WALTERS)

Chris Boswell 3 (TODD)

Adam Vinatieri 2 (ZURAWSKI)

DF

Los Angeles Rams 29 (TODD)

Carolina Panthers 14 (ASCHEBROOK JR.) 

Buffalo Bills 10 (ZURAWSKI)

Denver Broncos 7 (DOUGHERTY)

Seattle Seahawks 6 (SWANSON)

Houston Texans 2 (WALTERS)

Kansas City Chiefs 2 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Minnesota Vikings 1 (SNEEN)

Hypothetical Standings

Team Easy Breesy 1-0

The Engine That Could 1-0

Scott Bless Scott Damn 1-0

Tremendous Big League 1-0

Colieveland 96ers 0-1

Team Chowhounds 0-1

SNEEN MACHINE 0-1

Kissin' TDs 0-1

Andy Todd's 2017 NFL Preview

With players exiting the league at a quicker pace than ever before (thanks to improved injury detection and the heightened disparity in contracts), the NFL has never been this difficult to keep track of. Fantasy owners have had to become legal experts (thanks to Ezekiel Elliott, Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice) and entire organizations are choosing irrelevancy over mediocrity, making the product on the field less exciting as a whole. College football has never held as clear of an advantage in terms of entertainment over the NFL since at least the 1960's. I'm saying all of this as a way of excusing my mediocre knowledge of what the hell is going on in the NFL. I thought I was all caught up and ready to roll into the new season until the roster cutdowns went straight from 90-man rosters to 53-man rosters and a whole bunch of relevant players moved either through trade (something becoming more prevalent in the NFL, finally) or free agency (Joe Haden, Jonathan Williams, Victor Cruz). There's usually not much difference between the predictions made by professional writers in magazines that are released in May and those rushed to blogs everywhere this week prior to kick-off but, the trading of Sheldon Richardson, the signing of Joe Haden and even Dallas's signing of DT Brian Price are all last-minute decisions that had a real impact on how those teams are perceived prior to hitting the field in week one. None of these transactions were as crazy as Sam Bradford getting traded last off-season and none of these moves match what's going on in baseball (Verlander to Houston!) or the NBA (Kyrie to the Celtics!) but, it's an intriguing trend that could make it more difficult for fans to latch onto teams, something the NFL has never really had a problem with.

I've tried my hardest to predict the upcoming season despite a seemingly record amount of turnover so, here are my thoughts on each division...

The Boston Globe
Prediction: The Patriots demolish the AFC East.

AFC East
New England Patriots 14-2
Miami Dolphins 8-8
Buffalo Bills 2-14
New York Jets 1-15

The Patriots have, by far, the easiest road to the postseason and should receive all credit at the end of the year for making their path so easy. Whether it's adding Brandin Cooks and Stephon Gilmore to a Super Bowl-winning roster or the continued domination of their division leading to two different teams fully tanking (Jets & Bills), the Patriots have this division locked down with or without Tom Brady. Miami is staring at another .500 season as Jay Cutler barely moves the team's win trajectory backwards from Ryan Tannehill. This is an absolute mess of a division and yet, New England will not go undefeated.

AFC North
Baltimore Ravens 11-5
Pittsburgh Pirates 9-7
Cleveland Browns 7-9
Cincinnati Bengals 6-10

I'm not totally OUT on the Steelers and I actually love their defense headed into 2017. I just went through every team's schedule and I favored Baltimore's schedule and Cleveland's offensive line enough to cut into the odds that Pittsburgh dominates again. Cincinnati decided to reunite the entire 2016 gang but, decided to part with two of their offensive linemen and downgraded at both positions. Starting DeShone Kizer from day one of his NFL career could prove costly for Cleveland but if the preseason is any indication, he is ready to play now and with a quality team that's already halfway there during a rebuild, this team just needs time before they're ready to escape their ugly recent history. Baltimore may have already lost RB Kenneth Dixon and LB Albert McClellan for the season but, Ozzie Newsome spent the off-season trying to recapture the greatness of past Baltimore defenses. It only takes one injury to change things dramatically and with Ben Roethlisberger considering retirement this off-season, it does not appear this team will be able to get on the same page for a Super Bowl run.

AFC South
Tennessee Titans 10-6
Houston Texans 9-7
Indianapolis Colts 8-8
Jacksonville Jaguars 4-12

The health of Andrew Luck will answer whether or not Indianapolis lives up to their 8-8 potential. Luck's presence also could swing virtually every divisional game on the Colts' schedule. The Texans have one of the league's top defenses with J.J. Watt healthy and on the field but, Deshaun Watson, Will Fuller and Braxton Miller appear to need more time to develop into effective NFL players so, the offense is not quite ready for the postseason. Mike Mularkey has never been a flashy name as a head coach as his ground-and-pound mentality is a throwback in today's game and luckily for him, GM Jon Robinson picked up an excellent duo of running backs last off-season in addition to having one of the best offensive lines in the NFL. Jacksonville will only be something if they trade for Tyrod Taylor and their free agents pay off for the first time in years.

AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs 12-4
Oakland Raiders 11-5
Los Angeles Chargers 8-8
Denver Broncos 7-9

Denver can only rely on their defense for so long and Trevor Siemian is not an NFL Quarterback, sorry I'm not sorry. The Chargers' significant lack of a crowd in their new stadium might feel demoralizing for some of the players that thrive on performing for huge audiences. Oakland is still everyone's favorite up-and-coming team but, it still seems like every Raider should be at least a little bit better than they actually are. Kansas City's last-minute addition of second year linebacker Reggie Ragland might prove wise if Derrick Johnson goes down again. I'll take the Chiefs experience and lack of turnover above Oakland's potential and inconsistent defense.

NFC East
Dallas Cowboys 10-6
New York Giants 10-6
Philadelphia Eagles 8-8
Washington 6-10

With or without Ezekiel Elliott, Dak Prescott is going to be awesome this season behind the best tackle (Tyron Smith), guard (Zack Martin) and center (Travis Frederick) in football. The Cowboys defense will be optional over the long run. Philadelphia needs to support their second-year quarterback slightly better if that team wants to go anywhere near the playoffs soon. The Giants have built an interesting roster around Eli Manning that could both kill him (the offensive line is a joke) and save him (Brandon Marshall, Odell Beckham Jr. and Evan Engram can save the worst passes and their defense is still top 3 in the league). With the sudden departure of 22-year old safety Su'a Cravens, Washington's defense will be in turmoil early on and by the time Jay Gruden figures out what to do with that side of the ball, the absence of former offensive coordinator Sean McVey will become apparent. I'm not buying what Dan Snyder's team is selling.

NFC North
Green Bay Packers 12-4
Minnesota Vikings 9-7
Detroit Lions 6-10
Chicago Bears 4-12

I do not see much change in the NFC North as the Bears still suck, Aaron Rodgers is still Aaron Rodgers, the Vikings are still my favorite sleeper team that is one or two injuries away from being bad and I hate the Lions for whatever reason as they will drop three games from their win total despite the current 100% health of Ameer Abdullah. The Vikings improved their offensive line and running back situations enough that they should make the Packers nervous. The Lions are not all that different from the 2016 iteration of Detroit's team and they're one injury (poor Taylor Decker) away from being in the wildcard hunt.

NFC South
Carolina Panthers 10-6
Atlanta Falcons 9-7
New Orleans Saints 9-7
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 7-9

Carolina still has to get over the loss of Josh Norman and a full season of health from both Cam Newton and Kelvin Benjamin combined with gradual improvement of the defensive backfield will result in another division win for Ron Rivera. The fall of the Falcons will not be as tragic as their Super Bowl loss or the 2016 Arizona Cardinals but, they will miss OC Kyle Shanahan. The addition of Adrian Peterson might be the most hyped transaction for the Saints but with his age and injury history, the former Viking should not have an impact on any team in 2017. Instead, New Orleans will see their first non-atrocious defense in years and Drew Brees will still be awesome and the Saints should be in the wildcard hunt. Tampa Bay, much like Oakland, is getting the "they have ARRIVED!" hype before they've actually put anything together long enough to win a playoff game. Even worse, Tampa hasn't made the playoffs with their core of players yet. I'm not a Buccaneer believer until I see that defense improve and Jameis Winston evolve on being a poor impersonator of Brett Favre.

NFC West
Seattle Seahawks 10-6
Arizona Cardinals 10-6
Los Angeles Rams 6-10
San Francisco 49ers 3-13

Despite Carson Palmer's continued decline in skills and the losses of S Tony Jefferson and DE Calais Campbell, the Cardinals will have just enough great resources (much like the Giants but, with one of the three best running backs in the NFL) for a wildcard spot. Jared Goff is the biggest mystery headed into 2017 after a horrific rookie season quarterbacking for an outdated head coach (Jeff Fisher). Will hiring the NFL's youngest head coach ever help Goff return to #1 pick status? Not yet but, give them a chance with a smarter, more balanced offense. Kyle Shanahan can't suddenly make Brian Hoyer or C.J. Beathard MVP candidates so, the 49ers are screwed this season thanks to letting Colin Kaepernick walk in free agency (but hey, he's still available!). Seattle is now entering year six of their sudden and impressive dominance. Adding Sheldon Richardson to a defense that already had Michael Bennett, Cliff Avril, Bobby Wagner, K.J. Wright, Richard Sherman and Earl Thomas is more Golden State Warriors and KD-ish than anything New England did this Spring or Summer.

When trying to avoid an obvious MVP candidate like Rodgers, Brady or David Johnson, Russell Wilson seems like a fun, realistic pick.

MVP - QB Russell Wilson
OPOTY - QB Aaron Rodgers
DPOTY - S Earl Thomas
OROTY - RB Leonard Fournette
DROTY - DE Myles Garrett
CoachOTY - John Harbaugh
ComebackPOTY - S Earl Thomas
Passing leader - Drew Brees
Rushing leader - Ezekiel Elliott (with no suspension), David Johnson (with suspension)
Receiving leader - Brandin Cooks
1st Coach Fired - John Fox

My Official Super Bowl Prediction
Seahawks 31 - Patriots 20
Before going through every single game and picking every winner, I thought I'd get really weird this year and give the Vikings their first ever Lombardi Trophy. Alas, they fell one game short of a wildcard appearance and instead, Seattle lives up to their fullest potential with a healthy Tyler Lockett, a not-the-worst-in-the-league offensive line and the most important defensive player in the NFL, Earl Thomas. Pete Carroll will make sure to not have a repeat of Super Bowl 49 as Seattle will put up and prevent enough points to make any efforts at a Super Bowl 51 repeat for New England impossible. Russell Wilson has beaten more impressive defenses with worse receivers on his own team in the past and Seattle's defense was not healthy three Super Bowls ago despite Thomas and Sherman playing in the 24-28 loss. All that plus Jimmy Graham points in Seattle's favor. Besides, Ricardo Lockette and Marshawn Lynch aren't on the team anymore so, the temptation to throw inside the five might not even be there for 'ol thrill-seeking Pete Carroll. 

Super Bowl MVP: QB Russell Wilson

Best of luck to your team of choice and may the action on the field live up to the hype being built up this week!