As The WRBL Turns, S04E01

The Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Week 1
Our 4th semi-official season of blaming Cole Walters for making Taylor Swift put her own spin on Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy"

Current Standings (with regular season won-loss streaks) 
Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty) 1-0 W1
The Engine That Could (Andy Todd) 1-0 W1
Tremendous Big League (Nick Zurawski) 1-0 W3
Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 1-0 W2
Scott Bless Scott Damn (Scott Aschebrook) 0-1 L1
SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 0-1 L2
Team Chowhounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 0-1 L1
Kissin' TDs (Alec Swanson) 0-1 L4

Week One Final Scores

WALTERS  98 SWANSON  81

TODD  129 ASCHEBROOK JR.  114

ZURAWSKI  110 ASCHEBROOK SR.  81

DOUGHERTY  149 SNEEN  81
843

Hero of the Week: RB Kareem Hunt (The Engine That Could)

Heroes of the Week: RB Kareem Hunt (Todd), WR Antonio Brown (Zurawski), DF Los Angeles Rams (Todd)

Upcoming Week 2 Match-ups & NFL Schedule (in CT)

Cole vs. Andy

Tyler vs. Nick

Darrin vs. Ryan

Scott vs. Alec

Thursday: Houston @ Cincinnati 7:25 PM

Sunday: Cleveland @ Baltimore NOON

Buffalo @ Carolina NOON

Arizona @ Indianapolis NOON

Tennessee @ Jacksonville NOON

Philadelphia @ Kansas City NOON

New England @ New Orleans NOON

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh NOON

Tampa Bay @ Chicago NOON
Miami @ LA Chargers 3:05 PM

NY Jets @ Oakland 3:05 PM

Dallas @ Denver 3:25 PM

Washington @ LA Rams 3:25 PM

San Francisco @ Seattle 3:25 PM

Green Bay @ Atlanta 7:30 PM

Monday: Detroit @ NY Giants 7:30 PM

Bro...

Another offseason has come and gone and despite many NFL veterans changing squads, the real story (as always) was the 4th annual draft/preseason gathering of the Wisconsin Rapids Bro League (WRBL). Of course, it would not be a true WRBL meeting without some form of drama and/or controversy. This year's draft drama was provided by the railroad system of Wiscompton Trapids and their inability to follow proper crossing protocol (Alex Silka is triggered somewhere). On the west side of Trapids, there are three potential routes that I could have taken that night at 8:00 PM that would have had me arrive at the WRBL's draft location on time (8:45 PM) without any trains. As I left the house, a train approached as if it were hunting me down as prey and blocked my first choice of intersection, one I use on a daily basis. Luckily for me, the train was quickly moving southward and naturally, I opted to head to option #2, the northern route. Of course, this was the worst possible decision.

After last season's snowmobile trail fiasco, I was all set to try out my new GPS in the car over my 30-minute drive. The voice on my GPS quickly had to recalculate my potential route and timing as I arrived at railroad crossing #2. Once there, the train was still southbound and the newly installed GPS read an arrival time of 8:30 PM. The 75°F temperature and beautiful sunset were painting a scene symbolic of what a perfect night this random Friday evening was going to be, amongst friends, devouring wings and drafting in person as a league now set up for years upon years of success after the weeding out of careless and uninterested owners (this does not apply to every former WRBL participant as they are mostly gentlemen and scholars). By the end of the night, I was the owner who appeared careless and uninterested. 

After three minutes of waiting at this alternate intersection, the body of this seemingly never-ending train halted it's motion temporarily. With a twelve minute gap between my estimated arrival time and the commencement of our 4th annual draft meeting, I did not even break a sweat as in my 22 years of life, I have witnessed many trains stop and start the way it appeared this engine from hell was intending to do. Another handful of minutes passed and any opportunity to exit traffic was effectively erased by two cars and a semi blocking me from all escape angles. It was at this moment that the never-ending train reversed direction whilst moving at 1/16th of it's previous speed. Again, I have witnessed this many times in 22 years but, I began to feel that nervous anxiety I usually reserve for when I'm driving through construction zones. After another few minutes passed, the train was obviously no longer blocking the other two crossings as the engine of this train was only two carts away from clearing my intersection when suddenly.... this WRBL-hating, anti-Toddite of a locomotive decided to kill it's movement altogether.

After another minute of nothing happening and stalled traffic, I heard one vehicle honk it's horn at the train. "That'll help a whole lot" I stated out loud to myself in my most sarcastic of tones. Once the train had been motionless for a bit, I could have sworn I saw it crawling ever so slightly toward the direction it had just returned from. At this point, I turned off my hipster music and rolled down my window so that I could listen to the train. "Perhaps..." I thought to myself "if I listen to the outside world, I can determine whether or not this train is actually moving". Once the window was down, a loud SCREEEEEEEEECHing alerted me as unpleasantly as possible that my fear had become reality and the train commenced motion so that it was headed back in the direction it just came and was originally headed. Meanwhile, every possible escape route was still unavailable to me thanks to traffic. 

Without a functional phone or any way of contacting the league, my car had suddenly transformed into a glass case of emotions. At first, I shook my head in disgust and jokingly laughed out more words to myself (as my mental state was clearly beginning to break), "I'm going to have to turn around and go home." I slightly chuckled the words out in disbelief as there was still nothing that could have possibly detracted me from arriving at my destination outside of major disaster. Meanwhile, the train was still moving at 1/4th of it's original pace down it's original route until it wasn't anymore. Once the train stopped moving again, my destination arrival time was estimated at 8:55 PM. "Okay..." I said to myself as I nervously squirmed around behind the wheel, "If I miss one round, it's no big deal as everybody in the first round is a fantasy stud I will happily welcome on my team with open arms whether they are autopicked according to ESPN's rankings or chosen by myself". I was NOT going to miss any more live picks after the first round though and that is where this all went wrong.

The draft was held at Buffalo Wild Wings but, it also needed to be online at the specific time of 8:45 PM that Friday night because owner Nick Zurawski had to catch a flight out east that very weekend and owner Tyler Sneen was the only owner unable to attend in person as he drafted in a cabin up north during what I can only assume was a hostage situation. Otherwise, it was the most convenient time for the 7 non-Sneen owners to draft including myself as that Friday was one of my two days off from work that week. Scheduling was simultaneously perfect and the worst. 

Once the clock in my car hit 8:30 PM (the time I was originally told I would arrive at BWW), I said in a much shakier tone usually reserved for sad occasions like audible eulogies, "I'm going to have to turn around and go home." Five minutes and a prayer later, a miracle occurred and the car that had been sitting behind me for about three minutes fewer than I had been waiting for the train had finally moved. An escape route had appeared and I was just about ready to head back in the direction from where I came. I decided to give the intersection another minute or two to clear as traffic was nice enough to hold my escape route open but, the train was moving at a hopeful pace. At 8:36 PM, all hope was crushed as the train again stopped. "I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TURN AROUND AND GO HOME!?" I angrily exclaimed to no audience. I U-turned out of that mess and went back home. Of course, before I arrived home there is one stop sign and a right turn that I needed to make. It was at this stop sign that I saw something I had never seen in my 22 years of amateur train expertise, living next to the tracks. I witnessed the clear intersection outside my house drop it's crossbars and I saw another train coming from the opposite direction of where the train from hell was currently stationary. Luckily for my mental wellbeing, I had given up all hopes of getting to the draft in time and the vehicles in front of me were wise enough to turn away from the train so that I could make it home. That night I wore my Andrew Luck jersey, ate some imitation boneless wings by myself and made every pick for my team on my couch by myself. I have lived a pretty chill life up to this point because that is easily the most angry I have ever been. At one point, about nine or ten rounds into the draft, my intersection outside my house was finally clear of all trains. Midway through the first round, commissioner Nick Zurawski stated that he could delay the draft for any reason whatsoever. At that point, the train still would have delayed the draft another hour and I was not willing to be the all-important "draft delay guy". I can only assume that a good time was had by all.

Pictured: No longer the world's most hated Train.

The only way to make up for time missed hanging with the league of bros is to win a championship so, I drafted the shit out of my team and turned a negative into a positive by naming my team "The Engine That Could" because draft night is the most enjoyable night of the season for me and if an engine is going to ruin my favorite night, it might as well ruin some of your future nights. For instance, Kareem "Scottfucker" Hunt and the L.A. Rams defense had incredible season debuts and simultaneously ruined at least a part of Scott's weekend. CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKERS, I'm out for blood.

In other league news, Evan Moon was replaced by Ryan Dougherty. All I know of this man is that he is the youngest member of our league, enjoyed beating me in NBA 2K at a previous league meeting and he destroyed the SNEEN MACHINE by a 68-point margin thanks to former #1 overall pick Todd Gurley and a cast of solid players. Defending champion Cole Walters did not need to crack triple-digits to defeat Alec thanks to sleepy showings by both Russell Wilson and Le'Veon Bell. In likely the most important revelation of the week, the #1 overall pick in this season's draft (order was randomly decided by ping-pong ball process #TrustTheProcess) RB David Johnson only got to lead Darrin's Team Chowhounds for one week before injuring his wrist and at least temporarily landing on Injured Reserve. The worst part is that even with Darrin's Johnson present, he came up short to the team formerly known as Moon's Microdongs (now called Tremendous Big League).

This Sunday, THE Shelby actually recognized me, the first ever Shelby winner, while I was at work which is impressive because A. I was actually working at the time, B. I barely knew of her existence once this league began (my fault, not hers) and 3. She only seems to recognize winners as Cole Walters is the only other owner I've heard having any interaction with our trophy's namesake since the WRBL's beginnings. In case you missed it, she is aware of the trophy that holds her namesake and has given it her blessing this offseason so, that's pretty cool.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? The Dolphins and Buccaneers certainly are after their match was postponed for week 11 with a shared bye week taking place last weekend due to Hurricane Irma. Smokin' Jay Cutler will make his Dolphins debut in Los Angeles (against the Chargers) and Tampa will face former Bucs QB Mike Glennon in Chicago. With Allen Robinson done for the season, it has been a depressing start for Florida football despite a Jaguar victory. The only other game with the capability of gluing eyes to televisions (ouch) is the NFC Championship rematch between the Packers and Falcons in Atlanta's new stadium on Sunday night. In the Bro League, all eyes (well, mine and Cole's at least) will be looking to see which 1-0 former champion turns to 2-0 with Matt Prater and possibly Odell Beckham Jr. set to face on Monday Night Football. Cole better take as many more photos with The Shelby as he can because unlike the trains of Wiscompton Trapids, this engine is not slowing down.

Scoring Leaders

QB

Derek Carr 18 (ZURAWSKI)

Marcus Mariota 18 (DOUGHERTY)

Matt Ryan 17 (WALTERS)

Dak Prescott 16 (TODD) 

Aaron Rodgers 16 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Ben Roethlisberger 16 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Tom Brady 10 (SNEEN)

Russell Wilson 8 (SWANSON)

RB

Kareem Hunt 44 (TODD)

Leonard Fournette 21 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Todd Gurley 20 (DOUGHERTY)

LeSean McCoy 20 (DOUGHERTY)

Ezekiel Elliott 18 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Melvin Gordon 18 (WALTERS)

Ty Montgomery 18 (SNEEN)

Dalvin Cook 16 (DOUGHERTY)

Jordan Howard 15 (SWANSON)

David Johnson 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Devonta Freeman 11 (SNEEN)

Lamar Miller 11 (WALTERS)

Isaiah Crowell 10 (TODD)

Christian McCaffrey 10 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

C.J. Anderson 9 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Marshawn Lynch 9 (ZURAWSKI)

Le'Veon Bell 7 (SWANSON)

DeMarco Murray 7 (ZURAWSKI)

Paul Perkins 3 (TODD)

WR 

Antonio Brown 29 (ZURAWSKI)

Stefon Diggs 28 (DOUGHERTY)

Jordy Nelson 20 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Golden Tate 20 (DOUGHERTY)

DeAndre Hopkins 18 (ZURAWSKI)

Amari Cooper 17 (WALTERS)

Michael Crabtree 14 (ZURAWSKI)

Larry Fitzgerald 13 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

A.J. Green 12 (WALTERS)

Terrelle Pryor 12 (SWANSON)

Brandin Cooks 11 (SWANSON)

Demaryius Thomas 11 (SNEEN)

Doug Baldwin 10 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Julio Jones 10 (SNEEN)

Michael Thomas 9 (TODD)

Davante Adams 7 (WALTERS)

Dez Bryant 6 (SWANSON)

T.Y. Hilton 6 (TODD)

Emmanuel Sanders 5 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Martavis Bryant 3 (SNEEN)

Mike Wallace 1 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

TE

Travis Kelce 9 (TODD)

Jordan Reed 8 (SNEEN)

Martellus Bennett 7 (WALTERS)

Jack Doyle 6 (DOUGHERTY)

Rob Gronkowski 5 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Jimmy Graham 3 (ZURAWSKI)

Greg Olsen 3 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Tyler Eifert 1 (SWANSON)

K

Dan Bailey 15 (SWANSON)

Wil Lutz 14 (DOUGHERTY)

Matt Bryant 12 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Stephen Gostkowski 9 (SNEEN)

Justin Tucker 8 (ASCHEBROOK JR.)

Matt Prater 7 (WALTERS)

Chris Boswell 3 (TODD)

Adam Vinatieri 2 (ZURAWSKI)

DF

Los Angeles Rams 29 (TODD)

Carolina Panthers 14 (ASCHEBROOK JR.) 

Buffalo Bills 10 (ZURAWSKI)

Denver Broncos 7 (DOUGHERTY)

Seattle Seahawks 6 (SWANSON)

Houston Texans 2 (WALTERS)

Kansas City Chiefs 2 (ASCHEBROOK SR.)

Minnesota Vikings 1 (SNEEN)

Hypothetical Standings

Team Easy Breesy 1-0

The Engine That Could 1-0

Scott Bless Scott Damn 1-0

Tremendous Big League 1-0

Colieveland 96ers 0-1

Team Chowhounds 0-1

SNEEN MACHINE 0-1

Kissin' TDs 0-1