WRBL 2017 Review: Really Just The Cold Hard Facts

Congratulations to Ryan Dougherty once again on not only losing to the Vikings in the second round of the playoffs but, also winning the 3rd (We're actually not even counting 2014 anymore. Sorry, 2014 champions... whoever you were Upon further review: Nick Zurawski was the 2014 champion) Wisconsin Rapids Bro League Championship. It was about as easy a road as one could possibly ask for but, we've seen easier paths fucked up along the way. Not only was Ryan a top 4 scoring team in an 8-team league for 15 of the 16 weeks we played but, he had the highest-scoring player in the league in Running Back Todd Gurley (a now two-time league champion), another top-5 RB in LeSean McCoy (5th, 247 points), a top-5 receiver (Keenan Allen, 5th, 256 points) and both the fifth and sixth-highest scoring quarterbacks in Drew Brees and Carson Wentz. Fantasy Football is 10% skill and 90% luck (varies by the season, not at all a serious statistical analysis) and Ryan just coasted to a championship during his rookie season. Granted, Andy Todd gave him a mediocre fight in the finale but, the war of attrition favored Team Easy Breesy that Christmas weekend and I'm sure he received the trophy from the absent Cole Walters at some point. Will he be a one-hit wonder or is sophomore success in the near future? It's the WRBL so, anything COULD happen.

Typically, I would have a much longer review of the season but, I spent some of the offseason digging up our All-Time scoring leaders (player-wise) and my blog has become a tougher thing to manage through the offseason months (football is the only thing motivating me to come on here outside of music) so, this is all I have to give to you all for now. The season ahead is still certain to be a fun one and an active one so, let's just pin this one on Ryan for not providing offseason trophy pictures. Good luck to all in the upcoming September 5th, 8:00 PM ONLINE (sheds a tear) draft. May the best man (is Ryan even legally a man yet?) emerge victorious. Haters gonna hate. Potatoes gonna potate. Enjoy The Shelby.

Remember all of those players that were injured in week 15? Yeah, that wasn't great.

You jerk.

Final Standings
1st - Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty)
2nd - The Engine That Could (Andy Todd)
3rd - Scott Bless Scott Damn (Scott Aschebrook)
4th - Tremendous Big League (Nick Zurawski)
5th - SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen)
6th - Launders Money With The WRPD (Alec Swanson)
7th - Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook)
8th - Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters)

Things we blamed Cole Walters for in 2017
1. Making Taylor Swift put her own spin on Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy".
2. Sneaky erorrs in spelling.
3. Fleas.
4. The lack of a perfect flavor of Pop Tart.
5. The death of journalism.
6. This awfully hot coffee pot.
7. Gordon Hayward's ankle injury.
8. Online shopping destroying retail chains.
9. The Madden franchise barely improving over the past decade.
10. Misshapen earholes, unable to hold earbuds.
11. The rampant greed that has destroyed Thanksgiving.
12. Low talkers.
13. Crying over spilled milk.
14. Rafael Palmeiro's delusions.
15. The NFL's stupid Christmas Eve & Day scheduling in 2017.
16. Prioritizing the new Star Wars movie over the league.

Team-by-Team Results

Key: Opponent's Name, Result. It's really that simple. 

Team ChowHounds (Darrin Aschebrook) 7th, 3-11

Week 1 - Nick Zurawski L 81-110

Week 2 - Ryan Dougherty L 125-135

Week 3 - Tyler Sneen L 102-134

Week 4 - Scott Aschebrook L 89-117

Week 5 - Cole Walters L 133-151

Week 6 - Alec Swanson L 64-96

Week 7 - Andy Todd L 84-110

Week 8 - Nick Zurawski L 117-162

Week 9 - Ryan Dougherty L 101-123

Week 10 - Tyler Sneen W 144-91

Week 11 - Scott Aschebrook W 106-79

Week 12 - Cole Walters W 114-104

Week 13 - Alec Swanson L 121-131

Week 14 - Andy Todd L 101-107

Week 15 - #5 Alec Swanson L 115.48-117.38 (Tiebreaker scoring)

Week 16 - #7 Cole Walters W 109-89

Scott Bless Scott Damn (Scott Aschebrook) 3rd, 8-6

Week 1 - Andy Todd L 114-129

Week 2 - Alec Swanson W 83-68

Week 3 - Cole Walters W 146-85

Week 4 - Darrin Aschebrook W 117-89

Week 5 - Nick Zurawski L 73-111

Week 6 - Ryan Dougherty W 155-125

Week 7 - Tyler Sneen W 124-102

Week 8 - Andy Todd W 117-107

Week 9 - Alec Swanson W 135-116

Week 10 - Cole Walters W 107-102

Week 11 - Darrin Aschebrook L 79-106

Week 12 - Nick Zurawski L 107-113

Week 13 - Ryan Dougherty L 116-125

Week 14 - Tyler Sneen L 84-99

Week 15 - #1 Andy Todd L 111-117

Week 16 - #2 Nick Zurawski W 17-10

Team Easy Breesy (Ryan Dougherty) CHAMPION, 9-5

Week 1 - Tyler Sneen W 149-81

Week 2 - Darrin Aschebrook W 135-125

Week 3 - Nick Zurawski W 149-87

Week 4 - Alec Swanson L 126-136

Week 5 - Andy Todd L 97-126

Week 6 - Scott Aschebrook L 125-155

Week 7 - Cole Walters W 124-104

Week 8 - Tyler Sneen W 123-87

Week 9 - Darrin Aschebrook W 123-101

Week 10 - Nick Zurawski L 108-109

Week 11 - Alec Swanson L 127-170

Week 12 - Andy Todd W 121-99

Week 13 - Scott Aschebrook W 125-116

Week 14 - Cole Walters W 151-121

Week 15 - #2 Nick Zurawski W 161-106

Week 16 - #1 Andy Todd W 135-118

SNEEN MACHINE (Tyler Sneen) 5th, 6-8

Week 1 - Ryan Dougherty L 81-149

Week 2 - Nick Zurawski W 150-115

Week 3 - Darrin Aschebrook W 134-102

Week 4 - Cole Walters L 89-123

Week 5 - Alec Swanson L 91-106

Week 6 - Andy Todd W 114-60

Week 7 - Scott Aschebrook L 102-124

Week 8 - Ryan Dougherty L 87-123

Week 9 - Nick Zurawski L 74-94

Week 10 - Darrin Aschebrook L 91-144

Week 11 - Cole Walters W 127-99

Week 12 - Alec Swanson W 161-124

Week 13 - Andy Todd L 79-119

Week 14 - Scott Aschebrook W 99-84

Week 15 - #7 Cole Walters W 123-122

Week 16 - #5 Alec Swanson W 106-85

Launders Money With The WRPD (Alec Swanson) 6th, 6-8

Week 1 - Cole Walters L 81-98

Week 2 - Scott Aschebrook L 68-83

Week 3 - Andy Todd L 116-125

Week 4 - Ryan Dougherty W 136-126

Week 5 - Tyler Sneen W 106-91

Week 6 - Darrin Aschebrook W 96-64

Week 7 - Nick Zurawski W 138-116

Week 8 - Cole Walters L 102-122

Week 9 - Scott Aschebrook L 116-135

Week 10 - Andy Todd L 103-128

Week 11 - Ryan Dougherty W 170-127

Week 12 - Tyler Sneen L 124-161

Week 13 - Darrin Aschebrook W 131-121

Week 14 - Nick Zurawski L 140-149

Week 15 - #8 Darrin Aschebrook W 117.38 - 115.48 (Tiebreaker)

Week 16 - #6 Tyler Sneen L 85-106

The Engine That Could (Andy Todd) 2nd, 10-4

Week 1 - Scott Aschebrook W 129-114

Week 2 - Cole Walters W 123-113

Week 3 - Alec Swanson W 125-116

Week 4 - Nick Zurawski W 130-93

Week 5 - Ryan Dougherty W 126-97

Week 6 - Tyler Sneen L 60-114

Week 7 - Darrin Aschebrook W 110-84

Week 8 - Scott Aschebrook L 107-117

Week 9 - Cole Walters W 130-66

Week 10 - Alec Swanson W 128-103

Week 11 - Nick Zurawski L 74-186

Week 12 - Ryan Dougherty L 99-121

Week 13 - Tyler Sneen W 119-79

Week 14 - Darrin Aschebrook W 107-101

Week 15 - #4 Scott Aschebrook W 117-111

Week 16 - #3 Ryan Dougherty L 118-135

Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 8th, 4-9-1

Week 1 - Alec Swanson W 98-81

Week 2 - Andy Todd L 113-123

Week 3 - Scott Aschebrook L 85-146

Week 4 - Tyler Sneen W 123-89

Week 5 - Darrin Aschebrook W 151-133

Week 6 - Nick Zurawski T 134-134

Week 7 - Ryan Dougherty L 104-124

Week 8 - Alec Swanson W 122-102

Week 9 - Andy Todd L 66-130

Week 10 - Scott Aschebrook L 102-107

Week 11 - Tyler Sneen L 99-127

Week 12 - Darrin Aschebrook L 104-114

Week 13 - Nick Zurawski L 124-130

Week 14 - Ryan Dougherty L 121-151

Week 15 - #6 Tyler Sneen L 122-123

Week 16 - #8 Darrin Aschebrook L 89-109

Tremendous Big League (Nick Zurawski) 4th, 9-4-1

Week 1 - Darrin Aschebrook W 110-81

Week 2 - Tyler Sneen L 115-150

Week 3 - Ryan Dougherty L 82-149

Week 4 - Andy Todd L 93-130

Week 5 - Scott Aschebrook W 111-73

Week 6 - Cole Walters T 134-134

Week 7 - Alec Swanson L 116-138

Week 8 - Darrin Aschebrook W 162-117

Week 9 - Tyler Sneen W 94-74

Week 10 - Ryan Dougherty W 109-108

Week 11 - Andy Todd W 186-74

Week 12 - Scott Aschebrook W 113-107

Week 13 - Cole Walters W 130-124

Week 14 - Alec Swanson W 149-140

Week 15 - #3 Ryan Dougherty L 106-161

Week 16 - #4 Scott Aschebrook L 10-17

Player Scoring By Team

Key: * = Scored for another team as well.

Team ChowHounds

QB - Cam Newton 168 

QB - Aaron Rodgers 103

QB - Case Keenum 17

RB - Alvin Kamara 225

RB - Leonard Fournette 203

RB - C.J. Anderson 91

RB - Chris Thompson 56

RB - James White 47

RB - Alfred Morris 42

RB - Javorius Allen 19*

RB - David Johnson 12

WR - Adam Thielen 178

WR - Emmanuel Sanders 87

WR - Jamison Crowder 45

WR - Danny Amendola 28

WR - Nelson Agholor 24

WR - Ted Ginn Jr. 15

WR - Mike Wallace 1

TE - Jason Witten 77 

TE - Greg Olsen 5

TE - Jared Cook 4*
PK - Matt Prater 66*

PK - Matt Bryant 45*

PK - Greg Zuerlein 31*

DF - Kansas City Chiefs 50

DF - Los Angeles Rams 22*

DF - Arizona Cardinals 14*

DF - Oakland Raiders 13

DF - New York Giants -2

Scott Bless Scott Damn

QB - Ben Roethlisberger 126

QB - Alex Smith 99
QB - Jameis Winston 18*

QB - Philip Rivers 10*

RB - Christian McCaffrey 183

RB - Ezekiel Elliott 164

RB - Carlos Hyde 106

RB - Jerick McKinnon 45

RB - Doug Martin 20

WR - Doug Baldwin 147 

WR - Larry Fitzgerald 146

WR - Jordy Nelson 95

WR - Devin Funchess 22

WR - Kelvin Benjamin 15

WR - Randall Cobb 6*

WR - Sammy Watkins 2

TE - Rob Gronkowski 204

TE - Jack Doyle 24*

PK - Jake Elliott 53*
PK - Harrison Butker 47*

PK - Brandon McManus 20

PK - Justin Tucker 17*

DF - Carolina Panthers 58

DF - Houston Texans 31*

DF - Denver Broncos 13*

DF - Seattle Seahawks 13*

DF - Philadelphia Eagles 9*

2017 Champions Team Easy Breesy

QB - Drew Brees 149

QB - Carson Wentz 127

QB - Marcus Mariota 18*

RB - Todd Gurley 332

RB - LeSean McCoy 247

RB - Dalvin Cook 27

RB - LeGarrette Blount 19

WR - Keenan Allen 222

WR - Mike Evans 147

WR - Stefon Diggs 103

WR - Golden Tate 99

WR - Marvin Jones Jr. 70

WR - JuJu Smith-Schuster 28

WR - Randall Cobb 21*

WR - Rishard Matthews 7

WR - John Brown 1

TE - Hunter Henry 68

TE - Charles Clay 28

TE - Jack Doyle 22*

TE - Vernon Davis 13*

PK - Wil Lutz 136

PK - Justin Tucker 13*

PK - Robbie Gould 8*

DF - Baltimore Ravens 98*

DF - Denver Broncos 43*

DF - Los Angeles Chargers 21*

DF - Arizona Cardinals 12*

DF - New Orleans Saints 6*

SNEEN Machine

QB - Tom Brady 270

QB - Kirk Cousins 7

RB - Devonta Freeman 164

RB - Ty Montgomery 74

RB - Latavius Murray 72

RB - Tevin Coleman 51

RB - Frank Gore 30*

RB - Danny Woodhead 16

WR - Julio Jones 231

WR - Demaryius Thomas 181

WR - Pierre Garcon 46

WR - Marqise Lee 41

WR - Martavis Bryant 34

WR - Eric Decker 7

WR - Marquise Goodwin 6

TE - Zach Ertz 144

TE - Jordan Reed 18

TE - Vernon Davis 16*

PK - Stephen Gostkowski 152

PK - Ryan Succop 12*

DF - Minnesota Vikings 110

DF - Detroit Lions 25*

Launders Money With The WRPD

QB - Russell Wilson 312

QB - Mitchell Trubisky 9

RB - Le'Veon Bell 325

RB - Jordan Howard 155

RB - Matt Forte' 24

RB - Tarik Cohen 13

RB - Alex Collins 5

WR - Tyreek Hill 208 

WR - Brandin Cooks 159

WR - Dez Bryant 142

WR - DeVante Parker 57

WR - Terrelle Pryor 22

TE - Delanie Walker 100

TE - Kyle Rudolph 25

TE - Cameron Brate 23

TE - Tyler Eifert 1

PK - Matt Bryant 94*

PK - Dan Bailey 40*

PK - Robbie Gould 10*

DF - Seattle Seahawks 74*
DF - Los Angeles Chargers 24*

DF - Pittsburgh Steelers 21*

DF - Atlanta Falcons 10*

DF - Dallas Cowboys 7*

DF - Detroit Lions 2*

The Engine That Could

QB - Dak Prescott 236

QB - Philip Rivers 14*

RB - Kareem Hunt 264

RB - Joe Mixon 95

RB - Ameer Abdullah 53

RB - Duke Johnson Jr. 45

RB - Samaje Perine 40

RB - Dion Lewis 31*

RB - Frank Gore 22*

RB - Isaiah Crowell 13*

RB - Rex Burkhead 8

RB - Paul Perkins 3

WR - Michael Thomas 236

WR - Chris Hogan 81

WR - Odell Beckham Jr. 71

WR - Sterling Shepard 57

WR - Mohamed Sanu 16

WR - T.Y. Hilton 8

WR - Corey Davis 7

TE - Travis Kelce 226

TE - Tyler Kroft 1

PK - Greg Zuerlein 84*

PK - Giorgio Tavecchio 27*

PK - Kai Forbath 16*

PK - Jake Elliott 7*

PK - Chris Boswell 3*

PK - Dan Bailey 2*

DF - Los Angeles Rams 74*

DF - Philadelphia Eagles 24*

DF - New England Patriots 17*

DF - Pittsburgh Steelers 9*

DF - Buffalo Bills 4*

Colieveland 96ers

QB - Matt Ryan 96

QB - DeShaun Watson 91

QB - Matthew Stafford 27*

QB - Andy Dalton 18

QB - Jared Goff 9

QB - Brett Hundley 7

QB - Jameis Winston 2*

RB - Melvin Gordon 255

RB - Lamar Miller 156

RB - Chris Ivory 8

RB - Jamaal Williams 8

RB - Bilal Powell 6*

RB - Isaiah Crowell 5*

RB - Aaron Jones 5

WR - A.J. Green 217

WR - Jarvis Landry 211

WR - Davante Adams 131

WR - Amari Cooper 54

WR - DeSean Jackson 27

TE - Evan Engram 105

TE - Martellus Bennett 37

TE - Jared Cook 9*

TE - Eric Ebron 2
PK - Justin Tucker 82*
PK - Matt Prater 53*
PK - Ryan Succop 14*
PK - Kai Forbath 4*
DF - Cincinnati Bengals 24
DF - Pittsburgh Steelers 24*
DF - Tennessee Titans 21
DF - Chicago Bears 13*
DF - Houston Texans 12*
DF - New Orleans Saints 7*
DF - Washington 5
DF - Baltimore Ravens -6*

Tremendous Big League
QB - Derek Carr 66
QB - Matthew Stafford 64* 
QB - Tyrod Taylor 50
QB - Philip Rivers 27*
QB - Marcus Mariota 7*
RB - Mark Ingram 209
RB - Jay Ajayi 57
RB - Marshawn Lynch 42
RB - DeMarco Murray 41
RB - Dion Lewis 32*
RB - Adrian Peterson 21
RB - Javorius Allen 17*
RB - Bilal Powell 2*
WR - Antonio Brown 305
WR - DeAndre Hopkins 287
WR - Michael Crabtree 106
WR - Alshon Jeffery 20
TE - Jimmy Graham 130
TE - Austin Seferian-Jenkins 16
PK - Chris Boswell 80*
PK - Harrison Butker 21*
PK - Mason Crosby 19
PK - Adam Vinatieri 17
DF - Jacksonville Jaguars 102
DF - Philadelphia Eagles 31*
DF - Arizona Cardinals 11*
DF - Buffalo Bills 10*
DF - Miami Dolphins 4*
DF - Chicago Bears 3*
DF - San Francisco 49ers 3*

All-Time Scoring Leaders By Position (2015-17)
Key = Player Name, Point Total (Owner during highest scoring season)

Quarterbacks

1. Tom Brady 713 (Andy)
2. Aaron Rodgers 708 (Darrin)
3. Cam Newton 582 (Josh)
4. Drew Brees 532 (Sneen)
5. Ben Roethlisberger 410 (Scott)
6. Matt Ryan 384 (Scott)
7. Russell Wilson 380 (Alex)
8. Philip Rivers 371 (Moon)
9. Carson Palmer 317 (Scott)
10. Andrew Luck 256 (Nick)

Running Backs

1. Le'Veon Bell 738 (Alec)
2. LeSean McCoy 687 (Darrin)
3. Devonta Freeman 674 (Darrin)
4. Todd Gurley 652 (Ryan)
5. Lamar Miller 548 (Scott)
6. David Johnson 505 (Nick)
7. Melvin Gordon 494 (Cole)
8. Mark Ingram 489 (Nick)
9. DeMarco Murray 427 (Scott)
10. Ezekiel Elliott 347 (Scott)

Wide Receivers

1. Antonio Brown 947 (Sneen)
2. Julio Jones 807 (Andy)
3. DeAndre Hopkins 749 (Nick)
4. Odell Beckham Jr. 653 (Cole)
5. A.J. Green 643 (Alec)
6. Demaryius Thomas 610 (Moon)
7. Jarvis Landry 595 (Nick)
8. Mike Evans 588 (Scott)
9. Larry Fitzgerald 576 (Darrin)
10. Brandin Cooks 534 (Cole)

Tight Ends

1. Travis Kelce 581 (Andy)
2. Rob Gronkowski 543 (Nick)
3. Delanie Walker 490 (Andy)
4. Greg Olsen 384 (Darrin)
5. Jimmy Graham 351 (Nick)
6. Jason Witten 289 (Josh)
7. Jordan Reed 256 (Sneen)
8. Tyler Eifert 218 (Alec)
9. Martellus Bennett 201 (Sneen)
10. Zach Ertz 201 (Sneen)

Kickers

1. Stephen Gostkowski 446 (Scott)
2. Justin Tucker 408 (Sneen)
3. Matt Bryant 309 (Cole)
4. Mason Crosby 238 (Darrin)
5. Brandon McManus 209 (Alec)
6. Matt Prater 209 (Cole)
7. Wil Lutz 208 (Ryan)
8. Stephen Hauschka 171 (Josh)
9. Dan Bailey 163 (Andy)
10. Adam Vinatieri 136 (Nick)

Defenses

1. Denver Broncos 364
2. Carolina Panthers 312
3. Seattle Seahawks 262
4. Minnesota Vikings 258
5. Arizona Cardinals 207
6. Los Angeles Rams 191
7. New England Patriots 176
8. Houston Texans 172
9. Baltimore Ravens 170
10. Philadelphia Eagles 128 ....    32. Cleveland Browns -3

Heroes of the Week
1 - RB Kareem Hunt, WR Antonio Brown, DF Los Angeles Rams
2 - WR Michael Crabtree, QB Tom Brady, RB C.J. Anderson
3 - RB Todd Gurley, WR Stefon Diggs, QB Tom Brady
4 - RB Le'Veon Bell, QB DeShaun Watson, RB Ezekiel Elliott
5 - QB DeShaun Watson, RB Melvin Gordon, RB Leonard Fournette
6 - RB Melvin Gordon, RB Mark Ingram, WR Antonio Brown
7 - RB Ezekiel Elliott, QB Dak Prescott, RB LeSean McCoy
8 - WR DeAndre Hopkins, QB Russell Wilson, RB LeSean McCoy
9 - RB Alvin Kamara, WR Marvin Jones, QB Dak Prescott
10 - QB Cam Newton, RB Mark Ingram, WR Adam Thielen
11 - WR Antonio Brown, WR Keenan Allen, QB Russell Wilson
12 - WR Julio Jones, WR Antonio Brown, RB Alvin Kamara
13 - WR Tyreek Hill, RB Alvin Kamara, RB Le'Veon Bell
14 - RB Le'Veon Bell, WR DeAndre Hopkins, WR Antonio Brown
15 - RB Todd Gurley, RB Kareem Hunt, RB Mark Ingram
16 - RB Todd Gurley, RB Dion Lewis, RB C.J. Anderson

AP Photo/Keith Srakocic
2016 WRBL MVP Antonio Brown was a Hero of the Week five times as his hands continue to be the most reliable in the game.

Zeros of the Week

1 - NONE

2 - RB Jordan Howard

3 - DF Seattle Seahawks, DF Baltimore Ravens

4 - NONE

5 - TE Evan Engram, DF New England Patriots, Owner Tyler Sneen

6 - TE Coby Fleener

7 - NONE

8 - NONE

9 - DF Cincinnati Bengals, DF Kansas City Chiefs, Owner Tyler Sneen

10 - DF New York Giants, Owner Tyler Sneen

11 - DF Los Angeles Rams, QB Dak Prescott, DF New Orleans Saints

12 - WR Michael Crabtree, TE Vernon Davis

13 - NONE

14 - TE Jimmy Graham, DF Seattle Seahawks, Owner Tyler Sneen

15 - NONE

16 - Owner Cole Walters

AP Photo/Matt Dunham
The Ravens' awful -6 point showing in week 3 on defense is the WRBL record for worst scoring performance by anyone ever in a week.

End-of-season Awards

First Team All-Bro

QB - Russell Wilson (Alec Swanson)

RB - Todd Gurley (Ryan Dougherty)

RB - Le'Veon Bell (Alec Swanson)
WR - Antonio Brown (Nick Zurawski)

WR - DeAndre Hopkins (Nick Zurawski)

TE - Travis Kelce (Andy Todd)

FLEX - Kareem Hunt* (Andy Todd)

K - Stephen Gostkowski (Tyler Sneen)

D/ST - Minnesota Vikings (Tyler Sneen)

Second Team All-Bro

QB - Tom Brady (Tyler Sneen)

RB - Melvin Gordon (Cole Walters)

RB - LeSean McCoy (Ryan Dougherty)

WR - Michael Thomas (Andy Todd)

WR - Julio Jones (Tyler Sneen)

TE - Rob Gronkowski (Scott Aschebrook)

FLEX - Alvin Kamara* (Darrin Aschebrook)

K - Matt Bryant (Darrin Aschebrook/Alec Swanson)

D/ST - Jacksonville Jaguars (Nick Zurawski)

* = rookie.

Voted on by the people

WRBL Rookie of the Year - RB Alvin Kamara (Darrin Aschebrook)

Kareem Hunt had the consistency but, Kamara's late season push helped The ChowHounds avoid losing the MoonBak Bowl and an all-time dismal season performance.

WRBL Draft Bust of the Year - #1 overall pick RB David Johnson (Darrin Aschebrook)

Can a player be considered a draft bust for getting injured? "Yes" apparently, according to our league.

The Waiver Wonder of the Year - RB Alvin Kamara (Darrin Aschebrook)

Instead of trophies, we gave Alvin Kamara Airheads for his award winnings this season.

WRBL Comeback Player of the Year - RB Todd Gurley (Ryan Dougherty)

After an average season for the 2016 #1 draft pick, Gurley lead the WRBL with 332 points.

Zero of the Year - Cleveland Browns Head Coach Hue Jackson

Hue Jackson has learned that an 0-16 season will have him join infamous Zero of the Year company like Josh Tiffany and the Aschebrook family driveway.

MVP (Chosen by the league champion) - RB Todd Gurley (Ryan Dougherty)

Todd Gurley brought back memories of Sean Alexander, Priest Holmes and even Ladanian Tomlinson with his 19 touchdowns last season. It's no wonder that Team Easy Breesy was the force that it was.

The Shelby Trophy... Now with plaques!

"I say we take a stand and ban every player accused of domestic abuse right now" - Scott Aschebrook, owner of Ben Roethlisberger, Jameis Winston and Ezekiel Elliott.

Instant First-Listen Reactions, Track-By-Track: Drake's "Scorpion"

Drake is not my favorite rapper by any measure of my musical favoritism but, it's easy to recognize when a song of his is a genuine bop ("Hotline Bling") and that the man has the potential to release an Album of the Year at some point (see: If You're Reading This, It's Too Late and Take Care as his closest examples). The problem is that Aubrey Graham throws so much damn music at us constantly that he cannot control his own desire to one day own every Billboard countdown record known to mankind. He is popular enough that he could release a 50-track album and chart every song. The recent Pusha T dis track "The Story of Adidon", about Drake's secret son that he allegedly rarely acknowledges in his day-to-day life, has scorched the hip-hop universe and left Drake as an easy target for criticism at the moment and his response??? Releasing another bloated 25-track album after 2 hot singles and 1 dud sent mixed signals on just what we, the listeners were in for. So far, the reviews are brutally similar to 2016's Views and DEAR GOD PLEASE NO DON'T BE ANOTHER VIEWS. I've taken five days to even set up a time period to listen to this whole project and I'm ready for whatever it brings in another instant track-by-track review of every song on Drake's latest album, Scorpion.

As much as I appreciate Drake's self-awareness here, simply addressing the criticism you receive does not absolve from future critics.

A Side
1. "Survival" - "My Mt. Rushmore is me with four different expressions" = MEME GOLD. Generic as fuck boasts set over trap drums and a video game sound effect make for a memorable yet not great intro that's only a smidgen above two minutes. Congrats to 40 on making something out of nothing here.
2. "Nonstop" - This bass is pretty abrupt and awesome. Drake seems to have a problem with consistently jacking other rappers' deliveries and this is clearly his 21 Savage song. It is reminiscent of 21's flow on Post Malone's "Rockstar" early on and Drake does this weird thing where he quiets his own voice for ad-lib purposes and it's a nice change to the usual recipe of a Drake song but, this is still not that interesting of a song after the first minute and a half.
3. "Elevate" - Some angelic choir is used behind more trap beats skittering about repetitively. The choir of the beat and the piano make for what should be a more emotional IYRTITL-caliber track and instead, it's just more Drake bragging about Drake, which would be fine if he had anything interesting to say.
4. "Emotionless" - A 27-year old Mariah Carey sample? Yes please. The bass is back. Drake knows a lot of girls and this is easily the best song so far as he tells different stories of different women's struggles amidst the most conscious lyricism of the early-going here. This feels like the single "Nice For What"'s slightly less attractive twin.
5. "God's Plan" - We've all heard this. It's a genuinely catchy af hit but, it's also a mediocre song as a whole in my opinion. If the "My bed/Mahbed and my momma" line is actually confirmed to be as well thought out as conspiracy Drake theorists would have one believe then, I'm all in on this song. Until we find out Adidon's middle name, I'm not convinced. I always thought "Diplomatic Immunity" was the better of the two songs off his Scary Hours release earlier this year.
6. "I'm Upset" - It's 3 AM and I nearly dozed off to the third single from this album. That is not a good sign.
7. "8 out of 10" - This song is a return to form with a luxurious beat very present. "I've settled into the role of the good guy" is the line that describes part of why the internet is turning against Drake right now and Drake still can't shut up about Drake (it's okay to branch out and I know he can do better so, why isn't he yet?)
8. "Mob Ties" - I can't take this song title seriously when its Drake (WHAT MOB is letting Drake in?). Nothing really separates this song from the rest of Side A so far and my attention is seriously fading.
9. "Can't Take A Joke" - Again, I nearly doze off (probably did for a minute-ish.
10. "Sandra's Rose" - DJ Premier did an excellent job making a perfect album closer to bookend the braggadocio of the opener, "Survival". I'm glad the energy of this album has been revived after "I'm Upset" really derailed what would have been an okay disc and the next three songs did absolutely nothing for me.
11. "Talk Up (ft. Jay Z)"- 44-year old Jay Z brings some of the liveliest rapping thus far and I am just sad that this is the reality of where my grade for this album is headed.
12. "Is There More" - This warbled trap beat is unlistenable and for some reason Drake is suddenly giving macho vibes that are completely anti-Drake? "I'd rather lose my leg than lose your respect" is pretty random and man, this is just not good in any way. The only good part is the usage of Aaliyah's "More Than A Woman", where the late singer's best hit is slightly altered and no Drake is anywhere to be found at the very end. Disc A is a failure.

Disc A = F.

NOTE: I TOOK A BREAK BETWEEN DISC A AND B, SAVING B FOR THE FOLLOWING MORNING BECAUSE DISC A WAS ENOUGH OF A STRUGGLE BETWEEN CONSCIOUSNESS AND DULL AS EVER DRAKE, THAT I NEEDED A BREAK.

B Side
1. "Peak" - This is a chill as hell intro and I am into it. It's giving dark vibes that I am ready to explore but, even disc A had a promising beginning, only to fall into Views territory.
2. "Summer Games" - Noah "40" Shebib really brings out the best in Drake's music. This song is perfect 2018 #SadBoi music. I'm really enjoying the start of the B Side. This is a genuinely solid R&B song despite Drake's continuously monotone vocals. There is subtle crowd noise in the background as if this song were a sporting event and I appreciate that the mix is keeping that specific sample to a low volume because it could have easily taken over the track and tainted it's smoothness.
3. "Jaded" - Ty Dolla $ign ad-libs are the biggest trend of Summer 2018 and honestly, when an artist puts his work in at the rate Ty Dolla $ign does, it's about time he gets some more recognition. I am here for the summer of Dolla $ign. I'm okay with mellow Drake but, he's keeping it too mellow and monotone on many tracks so far, this one included. You can't just throw a song this forgettable three tracks into a disc.
4. "Nice For What" - We've all heard this one. It's one of Drake's 3 best songs ever. The Lauryn Hill sample is exquisite, the video is awesome, the lyrics are #WokeDrake. It's a major bop.
5. "Finesse" - Drake instructs the listener to "Turn everything up", only it's a piano beat and here come's more monotone #SadBoi delivery. His delivery on the word "Finesse" is uniquely annoying. This song is perfectly inoffensive. It should not be anybody's favorite or least favorite of the 25 tracks. At this point, I'm wondering why the fuck this is a double album? He should have at least separated the music somehow instead of scattering bops, snoozers, rap and R&B all over the damn place. There aren't any good transitions.
6. "Ratchet Happy Birthday" - For instance, this transition from track #5 to "Ratchet Happy Birthday" is also abrupt. Drake finally digs into the obvious autotune and something that would usually seem lazier is actually a welcome surprise at this point. This song is the strangest one so far with it's lack of direction and random "Birrrrrrrrrrrrrrthday" adlib.
7. "That's How You Feel" - I'm okay with this song and Nicki Minaj just popped up and turned the energy up with a sample from a live performance of hers (unless that was just a fake audience). Nicki Minaj rapping over Drake beats would make for one hell of an interesting album. Drake rapping over Drake beats... is stale.
8. "Blue Tint" - Future ad libs and background vocals 20 tracks in. Amazing that we haven't heard him until this point after these two released a tandem album three years ago. This track is perfectly fine with how quick it is. Drake needs to cut down on his albums or songs at the very least going forward. This works as a sub-three minute song.
9. "In My Feelings" - I see he's still really into the bounce scene as this song has a Magnolia Shorty sample on it. I can't detect where the sample from the FX show Atlanta is but, it's nice to know that Drake saw the episode and oh shit, there it is! Lol. This song is alright.
10. "Don't Matter To Me (ft. Michael Jackson)" - Again, 40 brings out the best in Drake. His production just has so much more life to it than anything else on this album. Even this middling beat that has no explosion to it feels so much more vibrant than anything else. I don't know, maybe Michael Jackson just adds enough to this song that it immediately covers up an otherwise mediocre song. Personally, my ears are loving this song and the Drake that lets other legendary artists shine on his songs is the best Drake because absolutely none of the best parts about this album involve the artist himself.
11. "After Dark (ft. Static Major & Ty Dolla $ign)" - Again, we have a Maxwell sample over a 40 beat and it's exquisite. The song as a whole? just typical generic lyrics from #SadBoi Drake over retro chill production.
12. "Final Fantasy" - There is a beat switch mid song, thank god. Nope, more of the same. Carry on. This is chill but this track is an unnecessary addition to a woefully over-hyped and over-packed album. In case you couldn't tell yet, this is not getting a good grade.
13. "March 14" - Something a bit more upbeat? It's about damn time. Oh, and he's finally addressing his personal life outside of vague lyrics about some girl and her sister and her family and zzzzzz... Drake does know how to make an album closer that always leaves the listener wanting more, I just don't see how he has anything left after a 25-track project with 5 good songs on it.

Disc B = D+

If you're only hitting on 25% of your songs, you're losing. Pusha T has more good songs on Daytona,than Drake has on Scorpion. I'm not shocked but, I am disappointed. This album will be a hit with kids 16 and under that have grown up listening to Drake, take everything he does as the best thing right now and will use lyrics I slept through as Instagram captions but overall, this is a dud. I only love If You're Reading This It's Too Late and More Life, I'm sorry.

Overall Grade for Scorpion: D-