WRBL Week 2, 2024

 Wisconsin Rapids Bro League

Our tenth official season of blaming Cole Walters for hacking Shannon Sharpe's Instagram.

Bro... 

One thing I never got to talk about last season that wasn't known until the Super Bowl was the retirement of the Monday Morning Quarterback himself, Peter King. Back before there was an emphasis on everybody and their mother having a platform for themselves to spout the most asinine b.s. on a podcast, I discovered an affinity for King's MMQB column in both Sports Illustrated and the magazine's website. I even had my dad print out his column (which took up a whopping twelve pages pretty regularly) for some weeks in the 2007 season which I believe I even shared with my friend Tyler when he needed something to make him look busy during study hall. As the years went by, Peter moved his work over to NBCSports' website (or wherever they put their sportswriting) and I gravitated toward Grantland writers like Bill Barnwell and Robert Mays before I basically stopped reading any football insider with any consistency as I had less free time for my eyes. In a way, I listen to the podcasts I do now for entertainment and hash out any trends or hot takes I have right here in my weekly Bro League update. In honor of the cappuccino aficionado's 44-year career in sports coming to an end, I'm going to steal a recurring bit of his...

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. After combining for an ugly 5 TDs in Week 1, NFL tight ends totaled 3 Touchdown catches in Week 2...and 2 of the 3 were by Darnell Washington (Could have a Marcedes Lewis length of career if he stays off the Kelvin Benjamin diet plan) and Elijah Higgins (WHO?), the other being by George Kittle (Note: This does not include Trey McBride's offensive fumble recovery TD). I think that the Tight End position is in a massive transitional period where Travis Kelce simply has to be on the decline at this point and Mark Andrews looks washed as far as his original youthful burst contributed to consistent Top 4 finishes at the position. So, where is all the new blood? Kyle Pitts remains trapped in an offense that has a 36-year old coming off a Torn Achilles, David Njoku is hurt again, T.J. Hockenson is still on IR, Dallas Goedert touches Jalen Hurts's ass more than he does the football and Brock Bowers seemingly is the next "it guy" but good luck finding the end zone with Davante Adams stealing all the shine. Oh, and the one touchdown catch by a Tight End who actually mattered in week two? George Kittle. He is now injured.

2. Banning the two-high safety design of defense is a wild take from Mel Kiper Jr. (who somehow has yet to retire) that I don't 100% hate. Where have all the fun offenses gone? Scoring has gone down MASSIVELY through the first two weeks of the 2024 NFL season. So far, there have only been a nice 69 passing touchdowns compared to 86 a year ago and triple digits the prior four seasons. If the average of 2.14 touchdowns per game that each team is scoring held for the remainder of the year, this would be the lowest touchdown total since 1992. What gives? It's not like this style of defense has prevented Patrick Mahomes from winning more super bowls but alas, this has become the popular style of defense in the NFL since some coordinator somewhere thought they finally cracked the code on him. Jokes on everyone else though because Mahomes just had his lowest passing yardage total from a start in his career outside of the 2019 night game against the Broncos where he hurt his knee on a QB sneak and the man still won because much like T-Pain, that's all he does. It's not like NFL Running Backs are becoming more durable the more teams have to shy away from a deep passing game. I can't wait for the next innovative offensive coordinator that comes around and helps the Derek Carrs of the universe ascend. Come to think of it... maybe Klint Kubiak is that dude?

3.  Andy Dalton is going to look like a top 20 starting QB in the NFL behind the rebuilt Panthers offensive line. They didn't spend all that money in free agency just for their second-year quarterback to regress and completely waste a potential bounce-back year for their offensive unit. I'm not alone in believing that choosing Bryce Young over C.J. Stroud, Anthony Richardson and the best fit in the moment for this Carolina squad, Will Anderson Jr. was a weird decision with little to no juice behind it. In retrospect, I'm left wondering whether or not Bryce Young is the least talented quarterback to start this decade outside of Tim Boyle. Think of it this way... if JaMarcus Russell had Bryce Young's work ethic, he'd have had a longer career than he did and I feel pretty certain in that despite Oakland failing to build anything around the most notorious NFL bust to date (Ryan Leaf tied for first and Titans OT Isaiah Wilson being a distant third). 

4. One of the three rookie quarterbacks will throw their first touchdown pass this week. Odds are Bo Nix will get benched if he doesn't since the 24-year old Bronco looks totally lost out there and I've pretty much given up on him already. Drew Brees worked out so well with Sean Payton because he already had that NFL experience from his time in San Diego (RIP) and Payton drew up plays that got receivers consistently open. Now in Denver, Nix may have the fullest college resume' of any quarterback we've seen in a long time but the NFL is a different sport and his receiving unit is not solving any new defensive riddles that the Steelers or Seahawks had drawn up. Tampa Bay is a tough opponent and I'll take Caleb Williams against the Colts for first TD pass by a 2024 rookie quarterback before Jayden Daniels probably sneaks one in against Cincinnati on Monday night. 

5. Tua Tagovailoa returns at the end of his 4-week IR stint wearing the guardian cap. Of all the talking heads that has thrown their opinion into the ring as to whether or not this man should continue playing football, how come not a single person has mentioned the Marvin the Martian-like guardian caps that are being normalized by the likes of Colts RB Jonathan Taylor and Browns LB Jeremiah Owusu-Koromoah? It would seem like the natural next step for someone with an unnatural abundance of head injuries. I think Tua can make it through the season if he spends a majority of his time in the pocket like he did in 2023. Then if another concussion appears next season, everything and anything should be on the table for him as I'm sure he'd like to at least play until the conclusion of his recent extension.

Christine Tannous/IndyStar
Tua Lipa RB Jonathan Taylor (right) sporting the newly approved guardian cap helmet.

6. This is the best year of music since... 1984? maybe ever? It's all being led by the return of mainstream pop music that's worth a damn and fun again amidst all the madness going on in the news. The last time I can remember being this invested was when Black Eyed Peas "I Gotta Feeling" got absolutely driven into the ground during the recession. It all reminds me of the attitude Giannis Antetokounmpo showed during the 2021 NBA postseason when his missed free throws became the main story and his response was "It's only going up from here!". Sometimes you just have to speak that positivity into existence. 

 

7. On a more negative note, the Rams are running out of players and with Matthew Stafford constantly knocking on IR's door anytime a single piece of his high-flying offenses goes missing, it shouldn't be long before his hand or 36-year old back gives out on him. There is seriously going to be a 49ers-Rams game this weekend likely missing Christian McCaffrey, Deebo Samuel, George Kittle, Cooper Kupp, Puka Nacua, multiple starting Rams linemen and we're just expected to be okay with that??! Nick has to console himself with tickets to a Dua Lipa concert at Madison Square Garden one year from now because of how many fantasy points he's probably losing from this game taking place (Jordan Mason isn't the receiving back that McCaffrey is). I'm sure we'll probably all put a claim in on Tuesday morning for one of DeMarcus Robinson, Tutu Atwell, Jordan Whittington or whichever receiver Stafford and Sean McVay hyper-focus on now. Personally, I'd like to introduce some "New Rules" to fantasy football and the first one is turning off the injuries like this is some kind of video game.

Director David Lynch with an injury update for Nick Zurawski's ailing Tua Lipa roster.

8. The people at EA Sports really knocked it out of the park with CFB25. Is anyone else playing this or are you just pretending to be too much of an adult to bother getting any enjoyment out of a video game in the year of our lord 2024? It certainly made me reconsider my favorite sports video games of all time...

Andy's Top 5 Sports Video Games Ever

1. NFL 2K5

2. NBA Street Vol. 2

3. Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004

4. MVP Baseball 2005

5. fuck it, CFB 25

Keep in mind that I stopped gaming from 2011 through 2020 after my house was robbed and yes, I'm looking forward to the return of Backyard Baseball even if it should be targeted at Generation Alpha.

9. Shohei Ohtani is the second best baseball player I've ever seen and could probably be first if Barry Bonds never took steroids. 

10. Not every WRBL recap has to focus on the final scores, especially when we're so far away from the league's main stories taking shape. With that said...

Cardiac Cole Walters has the first Monday Night miracle of 2024 as he fended off sworn rival Gabe Stoltz by 2.12 points after Jalen Hurts shocked the world by floating an interception into Atlanta Safety Jessie Bates' waiting arms. Gabe's quarterback appeared to be leading the game-winning drive up to midfield before that turnover and an imminent 0.12-point deficit that could have been 96er loss turned into a 2-0 tie atop the standings between Mr. Walters and the explosive Jaime Sparkes, fresh off a blowout over Nick's hospitalized lineup. Another lopsided loser in week 2 was Alec the Tax Paying Homeowner, our lone double-digit scorer of week 2 with DK Metcalf's 28.9 points just sitting on his bench like an eyesore. I can't blame him for not buying into the rollercoaster ride that is trusting Metcalf as he faced a widely touted New England defense. My team was lucky enough to win that match yet just good enough to somehow sneak into being the only Hypothetical winner both weeks so far. T-o-d-d Todd To Go now trails Nick by 0.12 points in the standings, which is amazingly 0.06 points behind Brett as we all sit at 1-1 in the Shooter McGavin Division. It's almost like those old Highlights magazine Spot The Difference Puzzles where there's like one stripe missing on Waldo's shirt (I might be combining two examples in my metaphor here). Finally from week two, another close call down the wire on Monday night was Hoefs losing to Brett on the Falcons final drive as WR Drake London caught the game-winning touchdown for Brett's Caleb Williams Nail Polish after Brett's other WR Marvin Harrison Jr. had a first quarter for the ages, clinching Hero of the Week status with 29 fantasy points before Arizona decided they didn't need him to complete the 41-10 blowout of the Rams. Other NFL highlights included the Ravens choking against Las Vegas to a now 0-2 start where Justin Tucker looks like any other kicker out there in a year where kickers are thriving beyond belief, the Packers running the ball down Indy's throat as Malik Willis got his first W in GB and the Buccaneers somehow winning a game where Aidan Hutchinson sacked Baker Mayfield five times (4.5 sacks with one shared sack). This week? The Malik Willis revenge game in Tennessee, The first loss for one of the Chargers and Steelers and thankfully, a more balanced schedule of games with the only oddity being a Monday Night doubleheader (I welcome this!). Can it get any crazier than Sam Darnold, Geno Smith and Derek Carr as leading MVP candidates? Tune in next week where up will be down, down will be up and against all odds, the Bears will still suck.

AP Photo/Eric Gray
I'm so sorry Alec, I had my hopes up too!

Official WRBL Standings 

Steven Nett Division

Colieveland 96ers (Cole Walters) 2-0 W2 (267.24)

Dad Weights and Protein Shakes (Jaime Sparkes) 2-0 W2 (255.78)

Stoltzya's Electric Orcas (Gabe Stoltz) 1-1 L1 (233.74)

LIVE.LAUGH.COOK. (Nathaniel Hoefs) 0-2 L2 (268.06)

Shooter McGavin Division

Caleb Williams Nail Polish (Brett Weinfurter) 1-1 W1 (249.5)

Tua Lipa (Nick Zurawski) 1-1 L1 (249.44)

T-o-d-d Todd To Go (Andy Todd) 1-1 W1 (249.32)

Tax Paying Homeowner (Alec Swanson) 0-2 L2 (193.2)

Week Two Final Scores

COLE defeats GABE 117.24-115.12

BRETT defeats HOEFS 159.88-153.7

ANDY defeats ALEC 120.4-92.16

SPARKY defeats NICK 147.94-105.56

Heroes of the Week: RB Alvin Kamara (44, Sparky), RB De'Von Achane (29.5, Hoefs), WR Marvin Harrison Jr. (29, Brett)

Waiver Wonders: WR Quentin Johnston (22.1), K Austin Seibert (22), QB Derek Carr (21.82)

Benchwarmers of the Week: WR DK Metcalf (28.9, Alec), QB Kyler Murray (28.54, Gabe), WR Calvin Ridley (24.7, Hoefs)

Tim Heitman
Hero of the Week: RB Alvin Kamara (Dad Weights and Protein Shakes)

Upcoming Week 3 Schedule for both WRBL and NFL (in CST)
Hoefs v. Cole

Gabe v. Brett

Sparky v. Andy

Alec v. Nick

Thursday @ 7:15 PM: New England @ NY Jets

Sunday @ NOON: NY Giants @ Cleveland 

Philadelphia @ New Orleans (QUADBOX)

Houston @ Minnesota (QUADBOX)

Denver @ Tampa Bay

Green Bay @ Tennessee

Chicago @ Indianapolis (QUADBOX)

LA Chargers @ Pittsburgh (QUADBOX)

Sunday @ 3:05 PM: Miami @ Seattle

Carolina @ Las Vegas

Sunday @ 3:25 PM: San Francisco @ LA Rams

Detroit @ Arizona

Baltimore @ Dallas

Sunday @ 7:20 PM: Kansas City @ Atlanta

Monday @ 6:30 PM: Jacksonville @ Buffalo

Monday @ 7:15 PM: Washington @ Cincinnati

Scoring Leaders

QB

Lamar Jackson 41.5 (Brett)

Josh Allen 40.94 (Nick)

Jalen Hurts 40.24 (Gabe)

Patrick Mahomes 28.08 (Sparky)

Brock Purdy 24.3 (Alec)

Tua Tagovailoa 24.12 (Andy)

Jordan Love 16.4 (Cole)

Aaron Rodgers 15.14 (Cole)

C.J. Stroud 14.3 (Hoefs)

Joe Burrow 8.06 (Hoefs)

RB

Alvin Kamara 66 (Sparky)

Saquon Barkley 50.8 (Cole)

Breece Hall 42.7 (Andy)

James Cook 41.8 (Hoefs)

Jordan Mason 39.6 (Nick)

James Conner 38.7 (Brett)

Jahmyr Gibbs 35 (Gabe)

Joe Mixon 34.8 (Cole)

Bijan Robinson 32.3 (Andy)

Isiah Pacheco 31.9 (Gabe)

Kyren Williams 29.6 (Alec)

De'Von Achane 29.5 (Hoefs)

Aaron Jones 28.7 (Sparky)

Travis Etienne 26.7 (Cole)

Jonathan Taylor 26.3 (Nick)

Josh Jacobs 25.5 (Alec)

Kenneth Walker 18.9 (Hoefs)

Rhamondre Stevenson 17 (Alec)

Derrick Henry 16.6 (Nick)

Rachaad White 16.6 (Nick)

D'Andre Swift 13.2 (Brett)

Najee Harris 8.9 (Sparky)

Jerome Ford 7.4 (Hoefs)

WR

Nico Collins 45.2 (Andy)

Malik Nabers 40.3 (Hoefs)

Cooper Kupp 39.7 (Nick)

Justin Jefferson 39.2 (Sparky)

Davante Adams 36.9 (Sparky)

Deebo Samuel 36.7 (Andy)

Tyreek Hill 32.6 (Alec)

CeeDee Lamb 32.6 (Gabe)

Marvin Harrison Jr. 30.4 (Brett)

Mike Evans 30.3 (Andy)

Stefon Diggs 29.6 (Gabe)

Amon-Ra St. Brown 27.2 (Brett)

Chris Godwin 24.7 (Cole)

A.J. Brown 22.9 (Hoefs)

Garrett Wilson 22.2 (Cole)

Drake London 20.9 (Brett)

Ja'Marr Chase 19.7 (Hoefs)

Jaylen Waddle 16.2 (Cole)

Chris Olave 15.9 (Gabe)

D.J. Moore 11.3 (Nick)

Puka Nacua 8.2 (Alec)

Michael Pittman Jr. 7.1 (Alec)

Jayden Reed 6.6 (Sparky)

Amari Cooper 3.6 (Nick)

Tank Dell 2.3 (Alec)

TE

George Kittle 28.6 (Brett)

Brock Bowers 18.8 (Cole)

Kyle Pitts 16.6 (Alec)

Mark Andrews 12.5 (Gabe)

Sam LaPorta 11.8 (Nick)

Dalton Kincaid 9.4 (Sparky)

David Njoku 8.4 (Hoefs)

Travis Kelce 8 (Andy)

Dallas Goedert 6.8 (Hoefs)

Evan Engram 1.5 (Cole)

K

Brandon Aubrey 38 (Brett)

Ka'imi Fairbairn 37 (Hoefs)

Jake Moody 31 (Cole)

Evan McPherson 22 (Nick)

Harrison Butker 19 (Sparky)

Justin Tucker 19 (Alec)

Jake Bates 18 (Andy)

Jake Elliott 17 (Gabe)

DF

Dallas Cowboys 19 (Gabe)

San Francisco 49ers 13 (Sparky)

New York Jets 13 (Hoefs)

New Orleans Saints 13 (Nick)

Cleveland Browns 11 (Brett)

Baltimore Ravens 11 (Alec)

Pittsburgh Steelers 10 (Andy)

Los Angeles Chargers 8 (Nick)

Miami Dolphins 6 (Cole)

New England Patriots 3 (Cole)

Cincinnati Bengals 2 (Andy)

Final Hypothetical Standings (Top 4 scorers win, bottom 4 lose, no divisions)

Andy 2-0

Hoefs 1-1

Cole 1-1

Sparky 1-1

Brett 1-1

Nick 1-1

Gabe 1-1

Alec 0-2