The NBA Playoffs from Hell

By now, everyone holds the same, correct opinion that this year's NBA Postseason has been absolute trash in so many unimaginable ways. The Cavaliers and Warriors were the obvious favorites in their respective conferences but, even naive mid-April Andy Todd didn't have both teams sweeping their conferences the way they are about to do. Every game featuring Golden State has been a similar experience to that time as an 8-year old when I sprayed that grape spray candy in my eyes (accidental, not an experiment at all, I swear. 2/10 would not reccomend).

These had to be far less expensive than pepper spray. Somebody alert the police.

The problem with Golden State is not at all a problem for Golden State as it is for the NBA. The problem isn't an issue at all for the team itself as this is working magnificently well for them but, they just plain do not need Kevin Durant until the NBA Finals and he's ruined the exciting "let's just shoot threes from half court blindfolded because Steph has a bet to settle" style with which the Warriors used to play. Why shoot highly contested 35 footers when someone's being double-covered and either KD or Draymond are wide open from Splashville, USA? It is just unwatchable thus far and the wheezing, robotic Spurs are highly unlikely to present a challenge or any heightened sense of excitement.

It isn't fair to solely place the blame on America's most boring superstar, Kevin Durant, on this being Charles Barkley's "Worst playoffs ever, Erneh". In fact, I think it's time we overhaul the entire rule book and figure out a way to not give the MVP award to Russell Westbrook or James Harden. We were all wrong about both of them being anything more than stat-padders that never cared about winning the championship as much as their own personal brands as Lebron and the Bay Area Quartet rested up for the only four-to-seven games from this postseason that anybody will be able to recall (barring more blowouts). Who can blame either guy for never truly being all in when inevitable defeat was in their futures no matter how hard they tried? At least they'll both be healthy for next season's pointless regular season victory laps.

That sounded far less harsh in my head than it does in print and these two players do not deserve as much criticism as they will and have received either when their coaches set them up for disastrous failures. Whether or not Russell Westbrook has the greatest teammates in the world was made entirely irrelevant when Billy Donovan set a new record for Usage Rate of a single player (Westbrook) over the regular and somehow made things even harder and more ball-hoggish in the postseason only for the entire Thunder bandwagon to go down in flames after five games.

Donovan is not even the worst example of coaching "expertise" from the western conference this past month. According to Mike D'antoni, trotting out a seven-player rotation featuring one true big (the still too young to be 100% trusted Clint Capela) is the ideal supporting cast for his one superstar player. Good luck convincing free agents to build a big three when they'll be forced to make up for Harden's defense and drive to the paint for forty minutes a game come playoff time. There's a reason this man has lost all five postseason series he has been involved in against Gregg Popovich and it's his constant refusal to make adjustments in high-intensity situations. Strictly sticking to D'Antoni-ball and not at least trying to mix things up defensively will guarantee that the fantastic regular season coach never wins a championship. We've seen enough of him, unlike Donovan, Westbrook and Harden, to determine he's never going to hold up the Larry O'Brien trophy due to stubbornness. He is the NBA's Andy Reid and without a sudden change of thinking in his sixties, Houston has a problem.

Kirby Lee - USA TODAY Sports
Regular season success? Check. Likeable personality? Check. Mustache? Yes!

Cleveland has at least managed to keep their games close (Indiana) or fun in a "ha, there's no way we're blowing this" manner (Toronto). There are some legitimate questions about Tyronn Lue's defense and the team could actually drop a game or two in either Boston or Washington but, there are very few who believe the Cavaliers will lose in the third round. I'm not even certain those conspiracy theorists exist. We are all impatiently awaiting the finals and this is exactly what every pessimistic fan said we'd be doing all the way back in July and it honestly sucks because I too want to see the Warriors and Cavs play right away but, what if one of them doesn't make it? Wouldn't that be an even darker timeline?

The nice thing about the lackluster postseason is that it has given me some time to enjoy this surprisingly long Spring season. I have also been pleasantly surprised by the never-ending cycle of great music these last few weeks from Perfume Genius's No Shape record to Feist's quietly badass new album to the latest from Sylvan Esso. I guess the playoffs haven't totally consisted of trash. After all, my dynasty fantasy baseball team is in third and nothing motivates me quicker than losing interest in a basketball game to work on some unfinished business (wink, wink, there's a post a-comin' along). The Inside The NBA watched:Actual live basketball watched ratio has never been more even for me.

Here are my picks for the conference finals...

Warriors over Spurs in 4.
Cavaliers over whomever in 4.

Those takes 🔥🔥🔥 enough for you?